Lethal Lies
by BesserwisserForHire
Summary: Even when everything around you changes, some things always stay the same. All Rei really wants is one single shred of happiness, but none of them even knows what it looks like. Sequel to Fatal Flaws.
1. Forgetive Me

I know, what the duce?! A sequel?! I don't know what came over me, but here I am, back to torture them again. I just couldn't leave them like they were in Fatal Flaws. I had to make one. Don't know how long it will be though.

**Warnings;** Boris, language, boy/boy stuff (no lemons), general suffering, lazy beta-reading.  
**Other; **I'd advice you to read Fatal Flaws before this, if you're new, because otherwise you probably won't understand much. And I know I gave Bor' the wrong eye colour, but it would be weird if he changed all of a sudden. So I'm keeping it grey.  
**Disclaimer;** Do I even have to do these?

All geographic mistakes I blame on google. I hold a grudge towards that search engine.

* * *

**Chapter One  
****For(get)ive Me**

Small yet unpleasant tremors rattled his hands as a feeling of dread overpowered him. Along with its nasty cousin, fear, and their distant cousin twice removed, embarrassment, came the insane beating of his heart. Warmth sizzled in his face as he fought against a relentless blush, nausea shooting butterflies with bazooka in his stomach.

He wanted to run out of there. Wanted to get away from the penetrating, merciless looks of expectation that were directed at him. He wanted to throw up over his worn out shoes and throw the bunch of papers out of his grasp and into the air, creating a manoeuvre of diversion through which he could make his escape.

He could run away from there and when they looked at the place he had abandoned there would be nothing there but the feeling of shame and perhaps a few dapples of his sweat. He could make it to the airport on time, maybe fly to India and hide under a few rocks for…

Rei took a deep breath, in through his nose and out through his mouth as he steeled himself. This was silly. He couldn't chicken out so close to the finish line. There was a limit of every man's cowardice, even his own. What did he have to fear anyway? He just had to look them straight in the eye, keep his papers in order and speak with a steady and confident voice. He didn't even have to be _sincerely_ confident.

After all, they were just people. They were there to hear him talk, not see him flee like a little child. Because really, what would that tell them? That fighting was stupid and only lead to certain doom? No, it didn't matter that he could hear a knell in his head, because the people didn't hear it and they expected something out of him.

They expected him to stand his ground and stick to his guns. Damn it, he could do this!

Rei opened his eyes to look at them, the people placed in ugly, old chairs of a depressing marine blue. Young women and elder ladies, boys and men and victims. All of them tensely waiting, watching, challenging him to step up to the podium and speak. As any other time in his messed up life, Rei swallowed down the thousandth lump in his throat and accepted.

''Hello'' his voice was shaking at the end but he ignored it, forcing his lips to move as his eyes swept across the audience. ''I'm glad to see so many of you here tonight. Or… not glad… I mean it's awful, I really wish you wouldn't be he… not that I… Uh… oh _fuck it_.''

Rei put the papers down, rubbing his forehead tiredly as the nervousness grew. Feeling the confusion from all the eyes set on him, he sighed. Looking up again, Rei shook his head.

''You know what? Let's keep it simple. My name is Rei Kon and I'm the son and boyfriend of alcoholics.''

**X**

He hated his life. Hated it because it had the nerve, the boldness to stand up each and every day and just spit him right in the face. A deep, large, snot-filled gob from the back of its throat. He hated it. He hated them as well. The people who were staring at him through the circle, curiously and a little bit impatient.

They had waited for him for a long, long, long time. They had waited and growing more flustered by each day he refused to meet their demands, their glares grew sharper and their yawns grew louder. He'd rather punch them all through the ground and right into hell. Twice. But this was far bigger than him.

Yeah, Boris couldn't believe it himself. That something, for the first time in his twenty-six years long life, wasn't about him or what he wanted. For the first time in forever, Boris was doing something, not for the sake of his own sadistic pleasure or forever hungry anger, or because he felt like it, or simply because he could. No, this time, it wasn't about him at all.

Or, perhaps in a way it was. In a way it was an act of selfishness, because in the end there would be a reward to show for it. He was going to get something for his displeasure and frustration, something he wanted more than he'd ever really wanted anything. Of course, if someone asked he would just snarl that it was all because he had nothing better to do.

Boris glared. This was it. This was the crossroad where he had to choose. This was when he had to make, perhaps the most important decision of his life. Whether he chose the long, winding, narrow but familiar road of selfishness, or the new unfamiliar, bumpy road of… well, something he couldn't really describe, was up to him now. No refunds, no rainchecks, no second guesses. It was now or never, and he had to decide without knowing the outcome.

The future was completely out of his control, perhaps it had always been but he had always lived under the belief that he decided more than anyone. He had been determined that no one was ever going to toss the dice for him again. But now the game had more than just one player, and the rules had been altered for all eternity. And he actually had to follow them this time.

Their stares were more intense now, the seconds ticking by as time was running out. Boris muttered. He really, really, _really_ didn't want to do this.

He glared back at them, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists as a final sign that he was not going to be pitied. He was not as the rest of them and just because he was going to do something he had avoided for over a year, he was still better than any of them and he'd prove it to anyone who even had the stupidity to disagree. Finally, he sighed angrily.

''My name is Boris and I'm an alcoholic.''

**X**

Well, now he felt silly.

All his fears had been completely unfounded. As soon as he had started talking, his mind had just forgotten that all those people had been there and Rei had just been an unstoppable talking-machine. Everything, even things he hadn't even thought about writing down, just poured out of him like his mouth was a broken faucet. And they had clapped.

People, complete and perfect strangers who all in some way recognized themselves in him, had not only _paid_ – really, with money – to hear him, a nobody, talk about his life and problems, but they had _clapped_. And they had liked what they had heard, they had thought he had a point. And a good one, to boot. Rei wasn't really sure just how he made it through that one hour alive, but he had showed up and he had left, victorious.

It was a complete and unbelievable rush he had never felt before. The adrenaline inside of him pumping to a new level of euphoria and for one single moment, the first one in years, he felt invincible. Like he actually amounted to something. It was like having a Blade in his hand all over again. The battlefield his to conquer and no matter how big or mean or threatening the opponent, Rei felt no fear. Even if he lost, he always left the stadium feeling like a king.

And that was exactly the feeling he got when he left the building. Walking towards the bus stop, Rei couldn't help but smile a little. And in the twilight, he actually felt kind of good. He couldn't even remember the last time that feeling had visited him, he almost didn't recognize it now. It had been a tough year, to say the least. His body had not liked being cut up and his liver had not been happy at him, and it was more than just a pain in the ass to have it heal.

Meeting Boris for the first time since the operation wasn't the easiest thing either. He couldn't really help dreading it. Not a day had passed without him thinking about the Russian, and not a thought had greeted him without making him beat himself up with anger and shame. The first few months had been hell, hating and loving a man at the same time. Wanting to touch him, or just see his face, and at the same time wanting him to rot in the deepest pits of hell… it wasn't an easy thing to do.

He felt bad that he was angry at Boris, and then he felt bad that he felt bad in the first place. He felt bad that it felt good when Yuriy updated them across the phone about how things were in London, it felt bad that he wished he could be there too. It felt bad that he was angry, and it felt bad that he wasn't angry enough. By the sixth month, he had driven himself half insane.

The real breakthrough for him, who hadn't spoken to anyone but Kai and the teacher at the Russian-for-beginners-class in half a year, was when he finally pushed out his chest and booked a ticket to England. Yuriy cheered and celebrated, in the amount that the uptight Ivanov could which wasn't really much to brag about, relieved that he could finally go home.

Yes, the redhead had stayed with Boris in London, keeping an eye on him and reprimanding him every given moment for the mistakes the Falcon had made. It was safe to say Boris' anger issues weren't getting better. Kai didn't even question the Wolf's broken nose when he picked him up at the airport that chilly day in April.

Rei had again, the very same day, found himself at the familiar Heathrow Airport. It had given him a funny feeling, lurking in his gut as he couldn't really put a finger on it. He guessed mostly it was fear, but there was something more to it as well. Perhaps, if he dared think it, it had been suspense. After all, the city held a lot of memories, both good and bad.

Taking a cab to his hotel, Rei was unpleasantly surprised. There, just a few steps away from him, something grey and mean had been walking. He recognized the back of the head as easily as if it had been tattooed into his retina. After all, the owner of it had been constantly muttering in his head for months.

Rei's first instinct had been to run away from there as fast as he could. But surprising himself, he had pushed the feeling aside. Instead he'd taken his bags, paid the driver and before he realized what the hell he was doing, run up to Boris. He was almost a little afraid that the Russian wouldn't recognize him at first, but as soon as their eyes met something familiar flashed through the grey.

Then they had stood there, staring. It hadn't been an awkward silence entirely, because deep down he guessed both of them were just glad that they didn't have to say anything. Both unsure of what was the best first word to utter, they had stared a little while longer until Rei finally said 'hey'. Boris had nodded, frowning but still not looking hostile enough to make Rei turn on his heels.

Then Boris had asked him what he was doing there. Rei wasn't entirely sure of that himself. But he answered with the main reason, mainly that he was going to hold some seminars in town. Boris hadn't asked why _this_ town, of all the cities in the world. He hadn't said anything, just nodded, grunting somewhat to show he understood.

Not that he did. But Rei didn't entirely understand it himself so it was alright.

Then they had said goodbye and parted, Rei leaving Boris somewhat dumbstruck on the sidewalk. The first thing the Russian had done when he had gotten out of his haze, was calling Yuriy to threaten his life because he knew, he just felt it in the deepest core of his being, that somehow, in some way, the redhead was responsible for everything.

Yuriy just told him to grow up and hung up the phone.

Two weeks passed before Rei met Boris again. Their second encounter was just after the Tiger had introduced himself to the boss of the building where the seminars would be held, bumping into each other in the last place Rei ever thought he would find the Russian. That being the grocery store just around the corner of where the liquor store was. Rei had been a little anxious, since he didn't want to look at the Russian's bag to see if it contained bottles.

To his shameful surprise though, Boris had been holding a plastic bag from a clothing store. When they met each other in the register, Rei couldn't help but being proud when he noticed all liquid Boris bought was some milk and grapefruit juice. Rei had put his own groceries on the band, smiling a tired little smile at him. Boris had nodded, feeling unpleasant being so close to the other again. He wasn't sure just how to feel.

He had been beating himself up enough to go around since the operation. The scar above his liver a constant reminder of how he had fucked everything up, scorning him for the asshole and idiot he was. He had been angry, mostly at himself, to the point of wrecking his apartment twice a week. No matter how much it made him want to go Hulk on the entire country, he had swallowed his repulsive tasting pride and thrown every bottle and beer can out his window.

It took him a day before he had bought new ones. But he didn't get further than five drinks, before the fury kicked back in, yanking him by the collar like the furious mother he had never had. And so the rage made him throw it all out the window again. This time he injured someone who was just passing by. And so this procedure, this sick and deranged ritual he had invented went on for another month before Boris' mind, and his wallet, finally had enough.

The look on James' face when he showed up at the AA again was priceless. Boris had sat down in the circle, glaring hatefully at everyone that dared look at him, and kept silent. Sure, a few crude remarks always slipped through his lips, making someone cry or throw a raging tantrum. But he was human after all. Besides, it was making the meetings more fun. If he was lucky, maybe James would go insane.

But his pitiful little act of redemption hadn't been much to brag about when Yuriy knocked on his newly replaced door one morning. Throwing his bags on Boris the Wolf had waltzed into the apartment, wolfed down the fridge and moved in. No matter how many times Boris tried, he was just impossible to get rid of. And once again the fury kicked him in the crotch, sending him to the bar once more.

Yuriy didn't like that. He didn't like it at all. To prove how much he disliked it, he had quite so violently dragged the Falcon towards the second most hateful place Boris knew of. The Hospital. Dr. Dafoe ended up with a broken nose, Yuriy ended up with a migraine, and Boris ended up with his pills. London was just looking worse and worse by each passing day.

But life decided it couldn't be too hard on him, giving him a small break from all the insanity. Even if it was just for a few minutes, it was the best few minutes Boris had had in… well, since the day he ruined everything. It was on his way home from the AA when he had bumped into Rei again. The Tiger had greeted him first, telling him about his new apartment. Boris hadn't said much, and they had parted soon afterwards.

Since then, the Tiger hadn't seen much of him. On his way home now, he wasn't quite sure what to think of that. Maybe he was a bit afraid that if he'd admit his thoughts to himself, they would come true. But deep down he knew that they were, and no matter how much he wished he wouldn't, he did miss having the other bitter man beside him, missed him swearing about how the bus was a useless piece of junk and how he was going to murder every bus driver in the country if it didn't show up soon.

Rei sighed, digging his hands into his pockets. He wasn't hating the Russian as much anymore, time seemed to have brushed the worst of the pain away. But a part of it still lingered, like a shard of glass in his heart that stabbed him every time he breathed. And yes, he was still angry. But that could be mended, it wasn't that hard. The hard part was regaining his trust for Boris. He wasn't sure if it was even possible, but he knew that deep down he wanted to let Boris try.

A question asked by a woman in the audience, hollow face as she gave him a look that resembled glass, suddenly came to his mind. It was the way she said it, more than the question itself, that made him lose his sense of reality for a moment. And as he fought to answer her, he wondered slightly if she was asking herself the very same question.

'_Why did you stay with him?'_

Rei hadn't known what to answer. All he could really give her was a simple, easy yet truthful answer. An answer that felt ridiculously useless for taking so much time to process.

'_Because I love…d him.'_

He wasn't sure about how honest he had been, in the end. How much he was lying towards himself and if the truth he thought himself to know was simply just fabricated, artificial, fake. He didn't know if he had lied to her and he didn't know if she found it helpful. Probably not, at least he didn't. How was he supposed to answer their questions then, if he couldn't even answer his own?

Rei didn't know. Seeing Boris again had been bewildering, complicating everything further than he thought possible. He could sense something, something so vivid and mad inside of him he didn't dare look into it. He wanted to know how the Russian felt. Wanted to know what he was going to do, what he wanted to say, what he himself was supposed to do, what he wanted to hear.

Was it alright to go visit him, or was that just the stupidest thing he could do? He had been mad for so long, Rei didn't want to be mad anymore. It was tiresome, exhausting, draining and he wanted it to stop but somewhere in his heart he was still furious. Even if his wounds were healed the scars were still there, and it all made so little sense to him.

If all they had fought and suffered and hurt for through all that time was worth so little in the end… was Boris even worth crying for?

Was a man who couldn't even tell him he loved him, really worth all that pain? The more Rei thought about it the angrier he got, his good mood slipping further and further away. He wanted the thoughts to silence for a moment so he could breathe. Wanted someone to come and tell him what to do about everything so he could finally get some sleep.

He wanted someone to chase the ghosts away.

''Look what the cat dragged in''

The voice had come from nowhere, unexpected and cold with the unfamiliarity it carried. Rei flinched as he heard it, turning around with slight fear in his eyes, and Boris gave him a peculiar little look.

''Boris… hi''

''Still know how to scare the ladies, I see''

Rei tried to look everywhere except into the grey pits that would undoubtedly be his demise. He could feel them pummelling into the side of his head as the other spoke, wanting him to turn around and face his fears. The Tiger tried to look at anything else, like the sky or the street or his own feet but it was useless, as if some magnetic force drew his eyes to look up at the other. And when their eyes met, a sudden wave of nausea suddenly hit him, much like it had done at the seminar.

''Looking a little pale there'' he said more as a statement than a mockery, which confused Rei further. ''You sniff something?''

''_No_''

''Really. I see. So you look half-past dead why, exactly?''

Rei suddenly got overwhelmed by the urge to get Boris to leave. It wad partially the anger he felt scorching through him, lack of sleep and mental dilemmas doing that to a person's mood. Partially, the longer the Russian stood there the sadder the Chinese felt. The longer he tried to avoid the grey eyes the more empty his chest seemed to grow and Rei knew, knew that somehow he was going to falter in the next minutes.

''Could you just…'' Rei waved his hands in exasperation, brow furrowing madly. ''… stop being you?''

''What the fuck do you mean by that?''

''I mean…'' he meant he missed him, meant he didn't want to but did so anyway, meant he wasn't sure who to hate the most for that. ''Could you for once just _not_ go there?''

Gold met silver and a flash of anger struck between them, splitting their metaphoric ground into two, creating a rift that only grew with the anger. Miles and miles stretched out between them, and none of them dared to leap.

''What's your problem all of a sudden?''

It was a stupid question. He knew very well what the problem was. After all, if it hadn't been for him, there never would have been a problem in the first place. But he wouldn't admit that right then. Stupid enough, he couldn't control the vile poison that flooded through him, bursting out of him like an explosion. Rei just happened to be there, at the wrong time at the wrong place. Or maybe not. Maybe Boris had walked up there on purpose. Maybe he had _wanted_ to fight. Maybe he just had worthless luck.

''What's _my_ problem?!'' Rei couldn't believe his ears, all the anger inside of him swallowing the hurt and the longing, leaving him furious. ''_You're_ my damn problem!''

''What did _I_ do?!''

''What did you _do_?!''

And so, without warning, their argument escalated, grew and bloomed into what could be the worst fight they had ever had. Their yelling voices echoing down several streets, people casting frightened glances at them. The asphalt seemed to tremble, the wind seemed to shy away, the world itself just backing safely as far away from them as it could. But they didn't care, they didn't even notice.

''I hate you! I hate you, I hate you!''

''Likewise, asshole!''

''Why couldn't you just keep out of my life, huh?! What's so hard about that?''

''Fuck you! Just _fuck you_!''

''At least I'm not the cheat!''

''That's it, you're dead!''

All there were was the anger, the frustration, the hatred and fury that had bottled up inside of them for six months. Violent feelings that finally had enough, unleashing without mercy, torrid and foul. They were shoving, spitting, insulting, yelling, hissing, pushing to see just when the line was crossed. Blinded by their confusion, the fight amplified and not until their throats were sore and their heads hurting, their breath was knocked out of them by the silence that followed.

Rei stared, blinking, panting as if he wasn't sure what had just happened. Boris stared back, just as unsure as he was, wiping sweat out of his face as he muttered. The Russian shook his head, facing away from Rei as some strange feeling kept pounding in the back of his heart. Rei hid his face in shaking hands, taking deep breaths to calm himself. Not that it was working, but at least it was a distraction.

It took them ten minutes of silence, ten minutes that felt more like ten years, to finally look at each other. There was something sincere in the silver, reflecting in the exhaustion of the gold, which, if he squinted, looked a little less bright than Boris remembered. They didn't move, didn't blink, didn't breathe. Just staring, they tried to figure out something. Figure out the other, figure out their own selves, figure out their life.

But nothing came to mind. Boris muttered again, something in Russian Rei could have recognized if he'd only listened. It always seemed to be like that with them. Talking two entirely different languages, that they'd understand if only they would listen. Stop in their tracks for a moment, and look.

The awkward silence, much like the one on a bloodied battlefield after the last man has fallen, stretched on a little further before they had enough.

''Fuck it'' it was Boris who spoke, surprising Rei yet again. ''I'm hungry. I'm buying us lunch.''


	2. Despair

I just felt like I couldn't leave the boys at the point of which I did. And yeah, I missed their pointless fighting and dysfunctional ways too much to just let it go.

**Thank you SO MUCH for your support.** Without you this story wouldn't have grown so much. I haven't had time to answer reviews, but my love goes to all of you.

This chapter is mostly pointless arguing.  
Review or Boris will haunt your nightmares!

* * *

_I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

_- _Blue October x Hate Me -

**Chapter Two  
****Despair**

The silence was more than just awkward. Rei couldn't help staring even though he tried to divert his eyes to somewhere, _anywhere_else. Yet he couldn't take them off that ridiculously handsome, albeit sullen, face. Rei thought it hadn't changed at all. Sure, he was a bit thinner and a leaded tinge covered the skin and there was something… hollow in his eyes but Rei thought he looked no different. His silver hair and his clenched jaw, his crooked nose and angry voice. It was like still having one foot in the past.

So Rei couldn't help but miss him. And that more than anything sickened him. The unbelievable pull at his heart, like a hook had pierced it and someone was trying to rip it out. No wonder his food tasted like ash. Boris glanced quietly at him. This hadn't gone like he planned. Not that he really knew what he had planned but it was certainly not this. Mostly he'd been concentrating on the food so he wouldn't have to stare that feline man in his ridiculously golden eyes.

''What do you want, Boris?''

He cringed at the sound of that voice. Refusing to avert his eyes from the salt shaker, the gruff Russian chewed on.

''Bor_is_.''

''_What?_''

The Chinese sighed, poking his own food around like he'd done since they got there. He honestly didn't know why he even let himself get dragged into this. All of his common sense had screamed at him that it was all a very bad, and not to mention stupid, idea. But Rei had picked up the bad habit of ignoring his common sense and before he knew it, his legs walked mostly on their own. At least, that was what he liked to think.

''You've been chewing that very same piece of bacon for twenty minutes.''

Boris muttered, but swallowed none the less.

''Your point?'' his voice was sharp and stung viciously, sadly Rei was far too used to it to even feel insulted.

''I only came here because I thought _you_ had one. What do you want, Boris?''

Silence ruled the scene for a fleeting moment during which none of them moved. Rei sat determinately drilling his stare into the other man's head. The Falcon muttered something inaudible before he finally turned around. Having eye contact now, the situation only felt more awkward.

''I…''

And that was as far as he had planned. Boris really had no idea what he was going to say next. He wasn't usually a man of words and now his vocabulary seemed even scarcer than he remembered. It wasn't that he was afraid, more so he was frustrated because the longer he looked into Rei's eyes, the more of a jackass he felt like. He had screwed them up. He had ruined the best thing he'd ever had, the _only _good thing he had ever had going for him. Yet Rei was sitting there in front of him, a hell of a lot of agony and pain later, he was still there. And Boris hadn't changed. He never would. Some part of the Tiger knew this, and despite that Rei didn't leave.

''I once asked myself if you would die for me.''

Rei didn't look half as puzzled about what the Russian just said as Boris did himself. The Chinese had to absorb the words for a good long while before he could even consider wondering if he had heard right. But the look of confusion in the grey quickly turned into stubbornness. Golden orbs blinked, before Rei sighed.

''I already have. Both figuratively and literally.''

The Falcon ignored the odd, dull feeling in his stomach. He wasn't sure what it was, but he decided it was not important.

''I also wondered'' there was a moment of hesitation where the man battled his own pride ''If I would die for you.''

Rei sat silent a minute or so, looking at a loss for what to feel. Then the oddest thing Boris had ever experienced happened. Rei almost, _almost_ curved his lips into some sort of sad, bitter, yet mirthful smile.

''But Boris, I don't want you to die for me. I want you to live.'' The shadow of a smile suddenly fell as Rei looked out the window. ''Maybe that's too much to ask for.''

No one said anything for another twenty minutes. The food turned as cold as the sinking feeling in their chests, but London carried on without them. Outside the sky had dressed in a darker dress of blue, ghostly shadows dancing at the corners of grey buildings. In a way it was pretty, melancholic, but pretty. Rei really didn't expect himself to miss it, but he had. There was just something about how the cars woke him up in the morning and he found himself in a bed of which the springs poked out in all the wrong places. Something about cleaning grime off a sink that hadn't seen soap in weeks. Scouting through a refrigerator that he always knew would be empty.

And the foreign curses always hanging in the air as he came home and found that for once he was not alone.

''How are you doing now?''

Boris didn't know if Rei had just been trying to be polite, and he was just a second away from a snappy retort. Before he miraculously held his tongue, instead thoughtfully taking in the image of Rei sitting there. Just like time had been rewound.

''I go to the AA.''

Well, it wasn't a complete lie. He went there sometimes. Mostly. Once in every blue moon. Rei's eyes immediately lit with just the smallest spark of hope. Right then and there Boris could have killed him for still, after everything, being so damn kind.

''I could have killed to hear you say that.''

Boris opened his mouth to answer, but closed it just as soon. Rei seemed to see something in his eyes, something that betrayed the stone cold, psychopath exterior. Mischievously the Chinese tilted his head with the air of a strict mother, looking at him.

''What were you going to say just now?''

''Nothing.''

''I know that look.''

''I don't have a look. Kai has looks.''

''No, I've seen it before!''

Boris raised his eyebrows, annoyed he couldn't keep the scorn out of his voice.

''Oh, _have_ you?''

''Yeah, you always used to get it when you were too damn proud to admit something.''

A sudden surge of complete and blind rage raced through him. The hatred reawakened as Boris, completely abhorred at how close to human he had just been, rose violently from his seat. People, along with Rei, gave him surprised looks when he thereafter gripped his jacket and snarled.

''Just fuck off!''

''Boris, where are you..?''

Said man ignored the other's words, grabbing him so fiercely by the collar that all air was cut off.

''Forget it'' came the rotten snarl of the Falcon. ''You don't know shit, Rei. You don't know shit!''

Brusquely he threw Rei back in the chair before wordlessly leaving the restaurant.

**X**

The phone had been ringing for quite some time, yet no one had moved to answer it. This could be because the owner of the phone, which would be Kai, was not at home. Instead, for some reason his friends were. Kai had realized what a bad idea it was to give Yuriy the spare key, especially since it allowed Ian and Spencer to tag along, but too late. Today they had done such a thing, and as Kai's fridge was getting pillaged, Yuriy had to answer the phone.

''Hiwatari residence, Ivanov speaking.'' He spoke in Russian.

There was a sort of bothered silence on the other end which gave Yuriy the feeling of being unwanted. Irritated at this rudeness he muttered, all the boredom out of his voice.

''Uhm… I assume it is Yuriy on the phone?''

The redhead sighed, changing over to English.

''What do you want, Kon?''

''Is Kai there?''

''If Kai was here, would I answer?''

Rei didn't really know what to answer at that, since all he could think of would probably just irritate the Wolf further, and Rei wasn't exactly in the mood to argue.

''No, he's not here'' Yuriy said with a mutter, sensing something was wrong. ''What do you want?''

''Nothing. I just wanted to talk to him. But if he's busy I guess I…''

''Did the Idiot do something?''

Rei wasn't half as surprised as Yuriy was that he actually engaged in such a conversation. What made it all so awkward was that neither of them knew if Yuriy cared or just looked for something to laugh about. Even though Rei knew Yuriy wasn't even half the sadistic bastard that Boris was, he always knew it was best not to bother the redhead with emotional conversations. But fair enough Yuriy was bored, and since he didn't feel like sticking around the kitchen to watch Ian and Spencer demolish it, he guessed he might as well try to act civilized.

''Look'' he said, the words spit out through his teeth as they were too disgusting to have on his tongue. ''I never liked you and you never liked me – _don't_ argue – but I might as well listen.''

The silence on the other end made the Russian wonder if Rei had just passed out from sheer shock.

''Yuriy, is this a test?''

''No.''

''Is it a game?''

''No.''

More silence, broken only by the Wolf's sighing.

''If you're going to be rude to me I'll hang up.''

''No, don't!''

''Then be grateful I even waste my time on you!'' Yuriy snarled, the irritation could be felt even at Rei's end.

The Tiger made some odd complaining sound, before he, with much reluctance, gave in. It didn't feel like a good idea, but he was buzzing with all kinds of bothersome emotions he didn't want to have. Maybe talking to Yuriy could sort things out, or they could make everything worse. It wasn't like he had much to lose anyway.

''I met him today.''

''Hn?''

''And…'' it was hard, the words stuck like shards of glass in his throat, and even though he could just burst with thoughts it was so hard to form them into real sentences. ''And we had a big fight.''

''How big?''

Yuriy felt stupid just asking that question. But everyone said he needed to be more human and not just lurk around being sly and haughty all day, so why not give it a try? He thought he could hear an explosion in the kitchen anyway.

''The biggest we've ever had.''

''And what's the deal with that?''

''Why am I talking to you?''

''Because you're stupid and whiny. Now the important question is; why am _I _talking to _you_?''

''Because you're bored.''

''And you've hit the jackpot!''

''Were you always this annoying or did you decide to be a pain in the ass just recently?''

The Ivanov glared at the phone as if the other could see it, but unfortunately Rei couldn't. Though he was doing the exact same thing in his end of the world.

''I think… I… Shouldn't have come here.''

''Why did you?''

''Because…''

Rei could think of a million reasons to come there, but none of them fit him. In fact he didn't know the answer himself, and neither did Yuriy, or Kai. But still he had hoped that somehow… well, he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure of anything anymore and that really scared him.

''It hurts. Looking at him. Talking to him.''

''You _talked_?''

''We've talked four times now. None of them has led us anywhere.''

Yuriy sighed and stretched out on the sofa. The dread of the moment was sort of crawling into him and he found that this wasn't nearly as amusing as he had expected. Yuriy even felt a little ripped off. Maybe in a sense, they all were.

''Hnnn...''

Yuriy knew that the pause that followed meant he should hang up and stop listening. He wasn't close to Rei, but he was an analyzing genius. It didn't take Yuriy long to read a person, and in the weakened state Rei had been in the last year the redhead could read him like a book. The Tiger had been choking his emotions, hiding them deep down in his subconscious until they suddenly became too many to contain and occasionally Rei would burst. Yuriy knew that a lot had happened. He had seen it and heard it and he knew, had seen every twitch in the Chinese's face as the emotions multiplied. He was surprised they'd stayed put this long.

''I… I miss him. I miss the stupid son of a bitch and it hurts. Everything hurts and I don't know what to do. I loved him, I know that I've never loved anyone like that. I gave him everything and it makes me furious that even after he betrayed me I still want him to prove that… that I should take him back. I want him in my life again because as much of a tool it makes me, it's so empty without him. I was barely alive when I met him and I'm a wreck now. He was everything that completed me and still he was what made me break. I want him to suffer like the asshole he is and still I want him… I just… want him to look at me like he did. I miss the way he touched me and the way he would just… glare at me and… I miss hearing him insulting everyone and I miss… I miss falling asleep next to him. I… I miss _him._''

Yuriy couldn't listen more because his brain threatened to explode. The emotions in Rei's voice were like bombs to his mind and even though he didn't care, even though Yuriy was a being of logic and not of feelings and even though all of this was sort of amusing… it overwhelmed his senses. He didn't want to listen to this drivel. Didn't want to help and he certainly didn't want to hear such things spoken about Boris, the person he had always known as a callous, cold-hearted brute. Yuriy regretted ever picking up the phone.

''What's my name?''

Rei was quiet, surprised and perhaps even a little bit cautious at this out-of-the-blue-question.

''Uh… Yuriy?''

''Ah, so you know!''

More thoughtful silence as Rei suspiciously eyed the phone waiting for it to bite him.

''Yes..?''

''Then why are you treating me like Dr. Phil?!''

''I…''

''Look, I've busted my ass off to get you two to pull your shit together – ''

''I know Yuriy, and I'm thankful for that''

''Hey! I did not do it for you! Despite what you and the blockhead thinks, that fucking _zhopa_ is my friend and we stick up for each other. You just happened to be in the picture.''

Rei was shocked, Yuriy was furious. The sudden burst of emotions from the Wolf, although angry, hadn't quite been what he had expected. Rei's amused little laugh wasn't entirely what Yuriy had expected either.

''Wow.''

''What?''

''Never thought I'd hear you say the F word.''

Yuriy snarled.

''I'm hanging up now.''

Rei laughed again. A laugh that only tickled the irritation that made the Wolf see red. But despite his warning he didn't hang up, he just held the phone to his ear and waited. Waited for Rei to say something, anything at all.

''Look, I didn't believe it first when you said you two were…'' he had to try hard to squeeze out the alien and strange word that belonged in the sentence. ''_lovers_ but I've known Boris longer than you. And do you know what I realized during the time I lived with him?''

''No?''

''Boris is a blockhead.''

Rei sighed. Yuriy ignored him.

''A big, stupid blockhead. He'd probably eat his own shit before ever letting anyone into his own life.''

''Do you have a point, Yuriy?''

''Yes, and my point is that the son of a bitch…'' he swallowed down some bile. ''_loves_ you.''

The Tiger said nothing. He could barely even breathe.

''He l… lo… l… Fuck it, he doesn't hate you and if he could just swallow his damn pride he'd be back in your life faster than you could say 'Falborg'.''

''So…'' Rei took a deep breath, biting his lips as the weight on his heart got heavier. ''What… should I do?''

''Hell if I know. Kill him, fuck him, take him back or do the sane thing and tell him to fuck the hell off.''

Rei didn't answer. Yuriy had expected as much so he continued his tirade without waiting for the other to let it sink in.

''But I know you won't do that. Why? Because you're an idiot. Which is why you two make such a great couple.''

The silence on the other end stayed, but if the Wolf wasn't entirely insane he thought a sniffle broke the air once or twice. His stomach cringed in the annoyance and disgust that flooded him, and with a snarling sigh he continued.

''The right thing to do isn't what I tell you, or even what your brain tells you. To be honest, in this case there isn't a right thing to do. Whatever you do Boris will screw up your life.''

The choked sounds on the other end grew louder now. Rei couldn't answer as his throat dried up into a knot, his chest so rigid he couldn't breathe, even less form a coherent word. Every thought inside of him was twice as jumbled as it had been before he called. Everything continued hurting.

''Kon, are you crying?''

He wasn't, but he was as close as one could get.

''If you're crying I'm hanging up.''

Finally the tears escaped, yet Rei couldn't fully understand what they meant. Sure he was sad but not as much as he was frustrated. Nothing made any sense anymore, if it ever really did. All he wanted was to get the sick feeling that stuck to him to go away. But he didn't know how.

''Rei. Look. You're losing him, do you know that?''

Rei didn't know, didn't want to know. He wouldn't know what to do even if he'd been told sooner.

''I'm not saying he deserves it, but if this is messing you up go see him.''

Rei was crying harder now. He didn't even bother hiding it, even though Yuriy didn't really care. He was more or less bothered by the sulking, wailing Tiger on the phone, wondering what the hell he was even doing with the phone in his hand. He didn't care what happened to them, the sooner they all got their act together the better for him and his headache. But Rei cared, even though he didn't want to he cared. And it was eating him up inside.

''I'll tell Kai to call you when he gets back.''

Since he got no answer, and didn't expect one either, he moved to put the phone back in the cradle. But just before he was about to hang up, he was interrupted.

''Yuriy, wait…''

''What?''

''I…'' he took a deep breath. ''Thank you.''

Yuriy made a grimace even though the Chinese could not see it.

''Whatever. Don't do anything stupid. Bye.''

''Bye.''

When Yuriy hung up, he felt some odd wave of relief wash through him. The two of them didn't know, but Boris' and Rei's relationship was having an effect on everyone. If it was good or bad the redhead didn't know. But the next crash from the kitchen took his mind off it. Smelling something burning, he sped off to save the day.

**X**

Boris refused to answer the phone that day because he knew who it was. He knew what Yuriy was going to say and he knew it wasn't going to be pretty. Everything anyone could throw at him had already raced through his mind a thousand times and he was getting sick and tired of feeling. Rei always seemed to have this effect on him and the Falcon wasn't entirely sure he liked it. Still, he didn't hate it either which was the reason that he was half past dead on his couch with a bottle of vodka before night had even fallen.

Life didn't make any sense. He had fucked things up like always and now he was paying the prize. So why shouldn't he just suffer in silence and be left the hell alone? Why was everyone on his ass all the time about how he should make amends? Everything was about making amends nowadays. The AA, Kai, Yuriy, hell even that annoying nurse at the hospital had given him meaning looks. But Boris didn't want to listen. He never made amends. Never ever. So why start now?

He didn't need Rei. More than that he didn't _deserve_ him. He was never going to be forgiven – not that he wanted to anyway – so why even bother? Why clean up his ife? Why kick the habit, why stop destroying himself from the inside out when there was no one who would mourn his death anyway? Sure it was disrespectful. He owed Rei his life. But that wasn't his problem. If someone was stupid enough to save _him _he shouldn't be the one to suffer for it. Boris didn't deserve this crap. He was a master of being alone. He always had been. He didn't need anyone but the bottle. At least then the world wasn't as ugly anymore.

He didn't care. He didn't want to care. It was too late now. He had already missed salvation and angels never saved monsters.


	3. All Hope Abandon

**IS IT TRUE?! **Are they going to make a fourth season of Beyblade?!

And I know there are lots of OC's here. But they're necessary and I try to have them star as little as possible. Tell me how I'm doing, okay?

* * *

**Chapter Three  
All Hope Abandon  
**

**X**

He knew it was a very stupid idea already before he thought of it. And by the time that he had thought of it, he knew he was going to go through with it anyway. It was just something that had been gnawing in the back of his mind for the past few days. The Russian always seemed to do this to him. It wasn't something he was all that happy about, but the more Rei tried to resist the faster his feet walked. Before he had even had his morning tea, the Tiger found himself outside a very famous door.

The AA hadn't changed at all. The atmosphere was still uncomfortable, the people still gave him odd looks and they were all stacked around the coffee table. Rei felt very awkward standing there in their entrance, out of place as he was just an observer. And the addicts didn't seem too keen on observers. There were a few new faces, he noticed. But also some people were missing. If that was good or bad he didn't know, but he was glad to find out that James was just the same.

The man was for the moment indulged in conversation, and being patient Rei decided to wait him out. It didn't take long before the dirt blonde man was done, and as soon as he turned around his eyes froze on Rei. For a second he seemed torn between smiling and just gasping, so James decided to do something in between. Rei smiled sheepishly, waving a little to show that he was really there and not some mirage. Instantly James sped up and it had taken merely seconds before the two were facing each other.

''Mr. Kon! I haven't seen you in quite some time!''

''Hi'' Rei smiled a little wider, and a little falser.

''Where have you been? I was wondering why Boris stopped showing up, haven't you kept him in check?''

It was a half joke but half a worried question and Rei didn't quite know how to take it.

''I… we… uh…'' he really wished people would stop asking him about it. Since when was their life so important to everyone? Did people just assume that he and Boris were joined at the hip and should be seen together at all times? Rei found it rather ridiculous, but the look in James' eyes made it impossible to avoid. ''We broke up. I haven't seen him in… well, quite some time.''

''Oh, I see…'' James looked a little ashamed of himself for the briefest of moments, and maybe even a little sad. ''And I thought he was doing progress… He even admitted it. You know, '_My name is Boris and I'm an alcoholic'_. I was very proud of him and I thought… he just stopped coming.''

The Chinese regretted his own idea even more as James' eyes bored their way into him. In some way it was like he had let the man down, which he found absurd since they didn't even know each other. Rei had only come there to, well, he wasn't quite sure but it involved the Russian and if what James was inquiring was true then…

''He's not here is he?''

The man shook his head.

''No. He's not.''

Rei sighed. He should have just stayed home. This was no good. The only thing this would give him was ripped up old wounds, and he certainly did not need that. What he needed was closure, understanding, to sort things out but maybe this was all a sign. Maybe he was meant to just let things go? But how could he? A part of Rei didn't even want to. A part too stubborn to let logic decide.

''Robin hasn't been here for months either. I had hoped they'd found enlightenment somewhere else but…'' he sighed. ''I dunno.''

A frightful feeling clenched at his stomach, suddenly swirling up a storm of unpleasantness. Rei was feeling nauseous at the mentioning of that name, and yet he was covered with guilt as she was not the one to blame. Or maybe she was, what did he know? Rei had never really bothered to go to the bottom with it. For all he knew there could be something he ought to know but didn't. Or maybe there was no truth hidden underneath the lies at all, only heartache.

''I guess I better go then.''

James smiled bravely, patting him on the shoulder.

''Take care Rei.''

**X**

Well, if that hadn't been a complete waste of time he wasn't sure what was. What he was supposed to do next was an even bigger mystery as he hadn't really thought this plan through. Which was somewhat surreal since Rei thought _every_ decision through. Perhaps this was his punishment for letting get the better of him. So, he didn't find Boris, he didn't have any work to do and it was in the middle of the morning. Where was a stray cat supposed to go? His first thought was to go home and clean his apartment, but since he'd already done that five times that week there wasn't really much to clean. Besides, the soap had started to itch.

So Rei wandered around. Down a street, up another. London lay like it always had, gawking in the sun like some large, concrete monster. He didn't really want to call Kai in case Yuriy would answer again, which he assumed would only feel awkward. Their last talk hadn't been one of the ordinary, and that left them both feeling a little uncomfortable. Perhaps… no, the thought was too absurd. He couldn't really be thinking it, it wasn't even sane.

But as Rei rejected the idea of visiting Boris, his feet had already started to move on their own, towards a direction he knew all too well. It was like watching a train crash on television. It didn't matter how much he screamed for it to stop or how much he twitched and tossed, the accident could not be prevented. The damage would be done and he had absolutely no control over it. He soon saw streets that he recognized all too well with their Gothic shapes and dirty buildings. The cracks in the pavement even looked familiar, as it they were part of some map he'd memorized a long time ago. Rei wished he could just turn back, he really did. But his body wouldn't listen, and before he had time to stop it, he was already by the end of the street.

But something felt off. He wasn't sure what it was, but it was as if someone was watchin. He could just be paranoid, but he still couldn't shake that unnerving feeling off of him. The sensation that something was boring into the back of his head, gnawing like a little bug was persistent. He stopped in his tracks, standing perfectly still as he waited for the feeling to go away. But it didn't, it only intensified. Rei was almost getting alarmed now as his head burned. Whatever set of eyes were on him, they were not letting go. Instead they seemed to be coming… closer.

''Motherfu – ''

Rei turned around as the voice spoke, and what he saw was not only the owner of the staring eyes, but also a person he had seen before. And this was not a particularly good thing.

''It's you'' the woman said, her voice eerie and dead, face covered in something much like shame. Her blue eyes looked right into his golden ones, and it was making him more than just uncomfortable. ''It is, right? You're him.''

Rei wanted to be confused, but sadly enough he wasn't. He knew exactly what she was talking about, the memories all too painful to forget. He wanted to, dearly and desperately, but if there was one thing that stuck like a tattoo to his retina, it was her face. Something putrid and vile started to bubble up inside of him, sending an odd, cold chill that seemed to burn him.

''If you mean the guy whose boyfriend you screwed, yeah, that's me.''

Robin bit her lip, Rei's pupils slit threateningly. She seemed to back a little at this, and defensively raised her hands.

''Hey, look! I don't want to fight.''

''It's a little too late for that, isn't it?''

He wasn't yelling, which was what scared her the most. Instead his tone was low and leveled, yet ice-cold like some beast on a very thin leash.

''Look, I just… We should talk.''

''What could we ever have in common? Except sexual partners, of course.''

She sighed.

''Okay, so I deserved that.''

Rei simply glared.

''Will you give me a fucking break? All I want is five fucking minutes!''

The leash snapped as the beast was released and nothing could have prepared her for the fury in his voice.

''All you want?! All _you_ want?! Well I want my fucking life back! Since you helped ruining it, just shut up and leave me be!''

''Oh grow _up!_ Look, I know what I did and I know it was a shitty thing to do but – ''

''Shitty?! Stealing my wallet is shitty, that was just downright spiteful!''

Robin seemed to snap, her eyes aflame like the apocalypse burned within them. Rei didn't care. He was just so angry, so frustrated, so _hurt_ he didn't know what was even fair anymore. Hell, he didn't even care. There _she_ was, having the guts to tell _him _to grow up. Rei was _this _close to punching her square in the face. But something held him back. Maybe it was his personality, maybe it was his common sense or maybe just the annoyed way she wrinkled her forehead, as if she actually had something to say.

''Will you just listen to me for one fucking moment?!''

When her yell had stopped echoing through the neighborhood, Rei was too shocked to actually speak. Her voice had been strong and fiery, not like the little robin but more like a pissed off eagle. Rei decided to do the smart thing and shut up.

''Look'' she said, pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation. ''We have to talk.''

''Why?'' he said dryly

''Because I've done a terrible thing. I admit that. And I'm not here to ask for forgiveness or anything else I don't deserve.''

''Then what?''

''I…'' she scratched her head in an attempt to stall for time, and when she spoke next it was with slow, drawling words. ''He had no idea about what he was doing. He was drunk, and that's my fault too.''

''Did you force it down his throat?''

''No…''

''Then it's his fault.''

She sighed.

''Look. He had no control, okay? He didn't even remember his own name, he didn't know who I _was_.''

Rei scoffed.

''Great, so he fucked a stranger! How loved I feel.''

''Will you shut up for one fucking second?!''

Rei glared, yet stayed silent. She was thankful for that, but none the less irritated. Muttering something, she shook her head.

''He regretted it big time, okay? He didn't… do it on purpose.''

Rei arched a suspicious and distrusting eyebrow at her, for a moment looking surprisingly like Kai used to do when he thought people were lying to him.

''And you know how?''

She didn't answer, instead her fingers moved to button up the first three buttons of her coat. Then she pulled down the collar of her sweater, revealing a delicate, graceful scar across her collarbone.

''Because.''

Rei could do nothing but stare. Was Boris the cause of that scar? Was he completely deranged? Sure he was violent and all but… this was absurd. Rei spluttered, trying to think of something to say that wouldn't make him look like an even bigger idiot than he already had made of himself. But Robin didn't care about that.

''When you ran out of there he panicked. So…'' she sighed. ''Don't be too hard on him, please?''

Rei just kept staring, narrowing his eyes and opening them wide as saucers. Torn between anger, empathy and defeat, Rei wasn't sure just what to say. Or do, for that matter.

''That's all I wanted'' Robin beat him to the punch. ''Just… I've seen a lot of cheaters in my days and I know that your guy… he's not a cheater as much as he is a dickhead.''

Rei let out a dark, joyless little laugh that sounded more sad than anything else.

''Can't argue with that.''

She shrugged.

''Look, I know it probably hurt a lot, and that it still does. But… I don't really know what I wanted. I mean, I saw you on the street and I just… I've been thinking about this a lot actually, which isn't normal for me and… now I'm rambling.''

Rei's eyes were softer now, yet still cold and unfriendly. His face blank, he was even more conflicted now than he had been at the start of the day.

''I know a good couple when I see one.'' Was the last thing she said, before she turned around.

Rei watched her walk away, and when he couldn't see her anymore, the thoughts swirled like never before.

**X**

Boris groaned. His head felt like he'd stuck it out the window of a moving car and hit a road sign. Painful tremors leaped through him like searing acid whenever he tried to move, or breathe, or _think_ for that part. On top of that he thought he could taste some other acids at the back of his throat. The Russian groaned again. He didn't have the energy for this. For fucks sake, he had just fallen asleep for some hours.

Casting a glance at the watch that showed to be, more precisely, eighteen hours. He muttered. Things really weren't looking good. Maybe it was a bad idea to mix his medicine with Vodka anyway. God, he didn't know. He just wanted to sleep. Or for someone to shoot his head off. Opening his eyes he instantly regretted waking up at all as the room was somersaulting, looking oddly blurry at the edges. He turned on the sofa, doubting he was up to moving but trying anyway. Right as he was, a skull-splitting headache formed. He would have been more comfortable with an axe up his ass.

And just to make matters worse, his doorbell rang. Or well, logically it couldn't because his doorbell never rang because no one ever visited him. This conclusion alone had to be sufficient to crone Boris King of Wisdom, yet still he doubted this title as the doorbell rang again. Perhaps it was just some kids intent on pissing him off.

''Fuck off!'' he tried a half-hearted roar, slurring too much for it to sound as dangerous as he wanted, but still it would have scared the paint off a wall.

And the doorbell did quiet. Sadly, Boris didn't have time to feel satisfied as instead, knockings drummed on his door. Cursing and muttering, Boris tried to ignore it. Maybe if he pretended to be dead the person would go away. At least his smell could fool anyone. Though, his patience couldn't. He lasted about two minutes before begrudgingly, he dragged his ass over to the door. Deciding he did not have the energy to look through the peep hole, Boris just threw the door open, hoping to hurt the intruder in the process.

''What?!'' even on just one word, his tongue slipped and it all sounded much more drunken than intended to.

All too familiar eyes just blinked at him before, disapprovingly, Rei let out a sigh.

''Good heavens, you're drunk.''

''Am not.''

''Boris, it's a quarter past ten!''

''Who da' hell goes… bangin' on peop's doors… that earlie?''

''You can't even speak.''

''Wha' d'ya wan'?''

''I wanted to talk to you but…''

Boris' face took on some sickly green shade in the middle of Rei's sentence, and before he had time to finish speaking Boris held a finger in the air in an interrupting gesture.

''Hol' that thought'' he slurred before with as little grace possible to human kind, he bolted off towards the bathroom.

While Boris was busy throwing up every little last bit of his stomach, Rei had the courtesy to let himself in. Closing the door carefully behind him, he slipped out of his shoes and jacket and decided to wait it out. But as the sounds only continued, he realized things weren't going to get better real soon. So when he appeared by Boris' side in the bathroom just a moment later, it was with a glass of water and a patient face.

Boris was clutching the toilet with shaking hands, his arms thinner than Rei remembered. His skin was almost completely white and Rei feared that it would even become transparent. Boris' head was not very visible where he hid it in the toilet, sweat covered bangs plastered across his face. He was shaking, arching and vomiting in what felt like an endless circle. It wasn't until he had started throwing up blood that he felt he had enough.

Leaning back he knew Rei was around there somewhere, which both annoyed and intrigued him. He wasn't quite sure why. As he remembered it the two were pissed off at each other. But for a fraction of a moment, Boris thought that maybe that meant everything was normal. Maybe it was just one of those nights when he had drunk too much and would have some sort of collapse and Rei was very determined on staying by his side.

It was a stupid thought, but none the less, it was the best he'd had in months.

''How much did you drink, anyway?''

Boris mumbled something, Rei wasn't sure in what language.

''Come again?''

''I _said_'' he slurred in the middle of a burp that, to put it lightly, reeked. ''Aren' we fightin'?''

Rei sighed, reaching for a towel to wipe away the vomit on Boris' face. But when the soft fabric approached him, the Russian only slapped it away, much like a grumpy child. He glared heatedly, if yet foggily, at Rei who felt a churn of worry in him as he saw the dark red blood. Eerily enough it sort of reminded him of Kai's eyes.

''Yeah…'' Rei concentrated his gaze on the grime around the toilet. ''Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk about.''

Boris looked like he was about to answer, when he suddenly threw himself at the toilet and threw up again. The flood of acids that left his mouth this time, was nothing other than red. He wanted to puke again just from the taste, but felt he couldn't really handle anymore. A vivid cramp gnawed on his inside, making him crouch a little. Rei didn't like this side of Boris very much, as he had never seen him so… he couldn't even find the word for it, but it was frightening to say the least.

With a worried grimace he reached out to rub the Russian's back, but hesitated at the last second. Instead he crossed his legs and started inspecting a crack in the ceiling instead.

Minutes of silence crawled by, tortuously slow. Boris gagged a few times, spitting out some saliva that had gone pink with blood, before he just sat there, breathing ragged like a weight was put on his ribcage. Rei finally couldn't take listening to the breaths echoing around the room, each time sounding worse than before. He had to say something.

''When was the last time you ate?''

No matter how mad they were at each other, Rei was still concerned and also a little bit of a mother hen. He couldn't help it after looking after Tyson an the others for years. Boris on the other hand, did not appreciate it and instead tried to glare thinly at him. But somehow the effect was lost in Rei's numbness. A numbness that had slowly started to creep up on him since he set foot at the AA.

''Dunno…'' Boris murmured, sounding exhausted by his own words.

What scared Rei was that he knew the Falcon still had his invulnerable façade on, and that this was just the tip of the ice-berg. If Boris had been someone else, Rei wouldn't even know how the situation would have been. Boris on the other hand, carried it well. The immense pain in his abdomen which made him want to shoot himself. The spinning in his head and the nausea that threatened to strangle him. None of it showed, and he had to compliment himself on that effort. Still, he looked as healthy as a roadkill. Rei watched him reach out a trembling hand towards the glass of water, but accidentally tipping it over. Boris swore with a muffled voice, and the Tiger felt his heart sink.

''Come on'' he said as he helped the Russian stand up.

Boris glared as hatefully as he could muster, which was still quite a lot.

''I can _walk_''

''Just shut up for one moment, will you?''

The Falcon growled threateningly, but didn't say anything else. This also had Rei worried, but he put that thought aside as he tried his best to carry the heavier man into the kitchen. Still, he wasn't as heavy as Rei remembered him. He could just be imagining it, but still he wasn't fully convinced. As they reached the kitchen, Rei had his other shock. The entire place was like Dresden. Food splattered over the walls and carpet, spots and dirt and grime, dishes in the sink, a foul and repulsive stench and most surprisingly; disheveled shells. Rei remembered that the only thing Boris ever kept neat and in order was his kitchen. He had no idea why, but it had always been the only place he never really had to clean. And now it looked like the rest of the apartment, which was just… surreal.

''Put'm down'' came a grumble from his side, startling the Chinese.

Rei obeyed and put the man down on one very tattered old chair, which Rei thought resembled a chair he had bought once and which hadn't looked anything like its present state.

''Things have really gone awry, haven't they?''

''Fuck you.''

''Didn't sound like that last time I was here.''

A darkness formed in Boris' eyes, a darkness so smothering and malicious it made Rei shrink back a little. He didn't know if he really meant for that remark to slip out, or if he had done it on purpose, but in hindsight it looked like a bad choice. Boris wanted to comment, but he was still too drunk to manage more than one partly coherent sentence. Instead he just intensified his glare until Rei averted his eyes and started climbing through the mess that was the kitchen.

Both of them sat silent for the fifteen minutes it took Rei to find one lonely pack of instant noodles, and the silence stretched on for the four minutes it took for him to make them. When the bowl of soup was put down in front of him, Boris almost cringed at the aroma. It was thick, luscious and overbearing. His stomach roared in complaint, and he knew before he even got the fork in his hand, that he was not going to be able to handle it. He clenched his fist around the fork until his knuckles turned bone white, anger searing through him at how weak and pathetic he was. He couldn't even handle a fucking bowl of soup. He, Boris, the monster of humanity. He who set terror and induced pain in others for his own pleasure, was defeated by some carbohydrates swimming in beef-flavored water.

Rei just looked at him. Boris didn't even notice when he sat down on the opposite side of the table. But he knew he hated that look, because it meant the Tiger was thinking. Empathizing, being emotional. Pitying. The nausea instantly doubled.

''Stup starin', y'prick''

''You look like hell.''

''Fuck – ''

''me, I know.''

The Russian's fist trembled in anger, and even though Rei's voice was soft and sad and so far from an insult one could come, Boris couldn't help it. The anger coursed through him like a raging storm, and so he threw the bowl off the table after which it cracked against the floor. Several pieces of porcelain along with the food splattered across the carpet, like the crushed skull of a murder victim with the brains oozing out on the already sticky floor. Rei flinched at the sudden outburst, wide eyed staring at the other, apprehensively.

Boris raised himself to lean across the table, steadying himself on arms shaking. Of anger or exhaustion he did not know, but he didn't care anyway. Baring his teeth like a hungry, rabid beast his foul breath hit across Rei's face, and the Tiger couldn't help but feel threatened. He had never seen such anger, such frustration, such pure hatred in those grey eyes, but yet there was something more. Something he couldn't quite make out, still he wasn't sure it was something entirely dangerous. Maybe in a way, Boris looked almost… lost.

''Get – the fuck – out – of my – apartment!'' he barked the words viciously through his teeth, yet Rei was too scared to move.

Silence exploded in the room, louder and tenser than the harshest words. The two were just glaring, respectively staring, at each other. Hearts racing tiredly yet desperately, chills running down their spines. Rei didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do. Yet he was afraid that any sudden movement would send Boris leaping for his throat. An ache pulled at his heart again, much like an odd sensation formed in Boris' chest. But the anger swallowed everything, and as Rei did not make a move for another minute, Boris finally snapped.

Rei knew it was coming, yet he didn't really expect it. The fist came like a surprise that he had planned himself, none the less hitting his face like a missile. Pain exploded right away, numbing the skin as the pain traveled through the nerves. His head spun before abruptly coming to a halt, with a shrill ringing left in its absence. Boris breathed heavily and hungrily, yet Rei was too shocked to move. He didn't even notice he was on the floor until Boris yanked him up by the collar. When he spoke next his words were surprisingly clear, like the adrenaline had sobered him up.

''I don't _need_ your help. I don't _need_ you. If I'm such an asshole then stop getting into my life!''

The words echoed loud and clear, cutting like dull knives through Rei's heart. He bit back a whimper, out of sadness, pain or fear he didn't know. Instead he just anticipated another blow, but it never came. Instead Boris threw him towards the door, grabbing another bottle from a nearby shelf.

''Find yourself out'' was all he said before he disappeared out of the room.

When Rei finally heard the bedroom door lock, he listened to the silence. After a moment of simply staring, he excited the apartment quick and swift like a ghost. As if he'd never been there at all he closed the door behind him, sliding down the wood as he finally allowed himself to cry.


	4. Too Young For Heartache

"_Love me when I least des__erve it, because that's when I need it the most."_  
Swedish proverb

**Chapter ****Four  
Too Young For Heartache**

**X**

Boris had been having flashbacks all day. They hadn't been particularly nice, which was one reason he was in such a bad mood. At first he though he was dreaming, lying on the bed drifting in and out of an imaginary world. And probably he had been, in the beginning it must have started with a nightmare that he knew wasn't real but still he couldn't wake up from. He'd been lying in his own sweat, entangled with sheets that seemed to want to strangle him.

But with your heart in your throat you don't need help to choke yourself. And Boris' heart was nearly trying to crawl out of his body. It was a new experience, an odd one that he wasn't quite sure how to handle. It reminded him for the first time in years of the dreams he had as a child. They were the only nightmares he'd ever had and at the abbey they seemed like they were going to be the death of him one day.

But as Boris killed his emotions, strangled them like puppies in a plastic bag, the dreams slowly disappeared. And after that he hadn't had any dreams at all, at least not that he remembered. But these last few months, ever since he ruined his own life they'd come back, and they were even worse than he remembered them. All of them were lucid dreams, in which he knew he was dreaming but he couldn't do anything to escape it. So even though they weren't real, the horrors in his dreams were enough to make his heart skip a beat.

It was the first time Boris had been near anything remotely like fear, and he hated it. It was like every dream just made him that much more pathetic, and for every day that passed his life simply got worse. Boris had lost control of everything and it was starting to turn him insane. Slowly, like a poison which he injected in his own jugular vein. And when he had finally jolted himself awake this morning, it didn't stop.

The images from the dream turned living before his open eyes. Pictures of bygone days, back like vicious ghosts in a snide attempt to mock him. They'd go dancing around his room, performing bizarre, frolicsome antics, chanting songs of how much of a fucked up loser he was, and how much he had lost. He tried to hurt them a few times, but his fist went right through them. And instead the images just got wilder, and when they suddenly disappeared and he thought the hallucinations were gone, they reappeared inside his head.

But now they weren't simply ghosts from his mind, now they were real memories, real flashbacks. He remembered hands that caressed his skin, remembered kisses on his lips and eyes warm as the sun, golden and so vivid he couldn't breathe for a moment. He remembered stargazing, he remembered someone else's tears and a lot of fighting. He remembered a lot of blood. Days of the past that he wanted to forget, yet knew that they were the only thing that kept him alive. The thing he remembered more clearly than anything else, was words whispered in his ears, as if secret even to him.

_Wo ai ni. _Boris had no idea what they meant. Had no idea what language it was at first, until he remembered whose voice had uttered it. Rei's words that had been whispered to him such a long time ago, the meaning of them must have been greatly important to the Chinese as Boris could not understand them. And now, several months of heartache later, he wanted to find out what. He wanted to find out if anything would have been different, if only he had known their meaning.

Shooing the memories away, he quickly ran a hand down his body to see if it was clothed. Indeed it was, however properly was another question. A question he didn't care about enough to check, so instead he swaggered through the apartment, fighting through a headache that felt like tons weighing him down. His steps were slow but determined, even though he did not know where to go. But soon enough he found the lights in the staircase corridor outside his door stab him ruthlessly in the eyes.

He blinked to get his sight back, the numbness in his skin and the foul taste in his mouth clinging to him like a wet blanket. Boris blinked a few times and took a deep breath to calm his body, not sure if he was drunk or just hung over. It didn't seem like there was much difference nowadays, often he was both at the same time. He muttered a few Russian curses, not having been outside his own apartment in days the place felt like another continent.

And in the middle of his musings and mutterings, the door right across his own opened to reveal his neighbor. She was a small, frail little lady clearly way beyond her best years, looking at him with small, pin-like eyes. Her wrinkled face contorted in a grimace of something between pity and disgust, and Boris would have barked at her if he didn't feel half past dead. Instead he simply managed a half-decent glare, which was enough to make the old woman back a step.

''My, my'' she said, eyeing him with a scrutinizing, judging look. ''You look worse for wear, young man''

Boris just growled at her, instantly regretting this impulse to flee. He wasn't even sure there was a place to go to, but in a sense anything was better than the apartment. A place that held too many memories to taunt him. And no matter how furiously stubborn he was, Boris couldn't stand his own mental torture anymore.

''Phone'' he barked, his voice exhausted and almost foreign to him, as he hadn't used it since Rei visited two weeks ago. ''Phone. Now.''

The old lady cocked and eyebrow at him, tilting her head as if he was some sort if idiot.

''My phone? What about my phone?''

Her annoying British accent just made the blood inside him boil, like the most poisonous of tar through his dying veins.

''I need it.''

''Have you no phone of your own, young man? When was the last time you showered, anyway?''

He slammed his own door shut behind him with a bang that echoed around the walls. With a glare as burning as every level of hell combined he pierced her, swaggering closer to her like some warrior beast that had been wounded in battle, yet still tried to slit throats.

''I broke my phone. Now borrow me yours or you'll get to eat through a _straw_''

His voice was leveled, yet she could detect the vast, endless fury contained within it, knowing he would have killed her by now if he hadn't been so close to collapsing. The old lady shook her head with a small sigh, before determinedly ushering him inside. He gave her a look of vague confusion, to which she only smiled.

''Get along inside then, dear. And while you're at it I'll fix you something good to eat.''

Boris gave her a look of uttermost suspicion, before deciding he didn't give a flying fuck anyway. So he stepped inside her apartment, which greeted him with the odd smell of cocoa and cats. The latter of which sent another wave of memories through his mind like a train out of control. He clenched his jaw and fists, trying to block the images of catlike golden eyes and that damned purr he had gotten so used to.

The old woman soon appeared at his side, leading him into the kitchen where he slumped down on a chair. Before he had the time to react she had placed her phone in front of him, instantly getting to work with the promised meal. Boris didn't have the energy to tell her to fuck off, or that he didn't want her stupid fucking food, or that she could shove her hospitality up her ass. So he stayed silent, while slowly, begrudgingly dialing the number.

''_Hiwatari_''

''Rei's number.''

''_Boris?_''

''Rei's number.''

He could feel the old woman glancing at him, and it was getting harder to ignore. But glaring at her and uttering complete sentences to Kai at the same time might send him into a coma, he thought, so instead he tried to ignore her. Kai seemed a little suspicious on the other end, but then again he always did so Boris didn't care too much about that either. He sensed Kai was going to say something, something he sure as hell was not interested to hear.

''Fuck it Kai, give me Rei's number!''

''_What are you going to do?_''

''Stop being so over protective you stubborn piece of – ''

''_With you around one can never be over protective enough. What do you want with him?_''

Boris almost choked on his own tongue for a second, but regained his aggressiveness quick enough to make it seem like he hadn't been affected at all. Even though in truth he hated himself, and he hated Kai and Rei and everyone he could think of. He hated Kai for being right, and Rei for making him care, but mostly he hated himself because he was the main villain in the drama anyway. But he wasn't going to admit that, ever.

''I need… to… explain. I need to... talk.'' He panted heavily between each word.

There was silence on the other end, a silence that lasted much too long for Boris' liking.

''For fuck's sake, Kai! I need his fucking number!''

''_Alright, damn it Boris, calm down. I'll give it to you, but on one condition.''_

''What?''

''_If he calls me crying again, I'm going to kill you._''

Boris said nothing, taking in the words and all their hidden meanings. He knew Kai was serious, he could hear it in his voice. Which must have meant Rei had been hurt badly, like he always was around him. And this realization almost made Boris reconsider calling. Almost.

''Sure.''

The old woman watched him as he snatched a pen from the table, scribbling a number down on his pale hand. All the while she was stirring a soup, mostly consisting of broth since she could tell just by looking at him that he wouldn't be able to stomach anything else. The tea-kettle on the stove started shrieking by the time Boris had dialed Rei's number, and for a moment there was complete silence in the room.

Boris listened to the dial tone go through, like some endless knell in the distance. His heart beat a little faster than usual, and somehow it lightly cleared his head. And then, finally and yet much too quickly, the phone went through and a very familiar, yet very dull voice answered.

''_Kon Rei speaking_''

**X**

Rei's fingers trembled, like they seemed to have done for months. He was afraid, like a hunted animal supposed to be lead to the slaughter. A crouching tiger that was facing execution on one side of the river, and capturing on the other, standing on the smallest, most slippery rock in the water he could find. His heart was frantic, as if it was going to explode and for the moment he couldn't blame it. He wanted to explode as well, if he only could. Just to escape the anxiety, the dread lodging in his throat, making the air he breathed feel like poison.

And then, just when he was about to panic, lash out and hurt someone, or more probably himself, the cellphone in his pocket rung. Vibrating fervently, demanding that he answered. Rei reached into his pocket and pulled it out in the open, wondering who on earth chose this exact moment to call. There weren't that many people who had his number; his employer, the hospital, Kai and once in a distant past he remembered giving it to Mariah. But that was such a long time ago he doubted she remembered it.

When the display showed him a foreign number he couldn't recognize, his mind clouded with confusion for a brief moment. For a second he thought about just ignoring it, but the shrill, tearing panic inside of him refused to leave him alone. As a source of distraction he pushed the green button and decided that whoever was on the other end, it was a lot better than this.

''Kon Rei speaking'' he pressed through, dull and mechanically as if simply borrowing someone else's voice.

There was silence on the other end, but it didn't last for long before a tired voice spoke.

''_Rei, it's me_''

Rei's breath hitched, his entire body giving in to a violent tremor that shook his very marrow. He took a deep breath, running a hand through his sweaty hair as he closed his eyes in surrender. It wasn't like the day could get any worse, so Boris calling him to add to the ache wasn't that surprising. After all, karma was known to be a bitch.

''Boris… I… It's a bad time right now.''

''_Look, I know you don't want to talk to me after last time but – ''_

''Boris, I can't, not now, it's a really bad time''

''_For fucking… Just five damn minutes! Is that so hard?!_''

Rei whimpered. Out of fear of them or him, he had no idea. But he couldn't take it much longer.

''Boris, I can't''

''_You owe it to _us_, Rei! I know I'm a big asshole and all that shit, but it's important, so fucking listen to me!_''

''I'll… I'll speak to you later''

''_No you won't! I don't have a fucking phone! __I had to borrow my fucking neighbor's!_''

''I'm sorry, Boris''

''_I don't care! Sorry doesn't mean shit''_

''I'm…''

''_Just what does it mean, Rei? That thing you said, wo ai ni. What did it mean?_''

''Can't we do this another time? I really have to go now. I'll talk to you later.''

''_Don't fucking hang up on me!_''

''It's just a really bad time right now, okay?''

They were getting closer, he could hear their footsteps. A wild, ruthless herd of carnivores, out to feast on his flesh and tears. Ripping open old wounds that never got the chance to heal, pouring salt in them in the process. He knew he had to get away, now while his legs still carried him and he still had the chance.

''_No, it's not fucking okay! Don't you – ''_

''Gotta' go, Boris''

''_Re –''_

Rei didn't hear the last of the sentence, and whatever Boris wanted to say it would fall into silence as he put the phone away and ran.

**X**

Boris slammed the phone down into its cradle, roaring the loudest he could manage as he did. His head was close to exploding, his body nearly giving up but he didn't care. The fury alone was enough to keep him awake, and right now he was out of his mind with it. He clawed his hands into his scalp, breathing ragged and heavily, almost searing with the anger. The old woman walked up to the table, placing a bowl of broth and a cup of cinnamon tea in front of him. Boris couldn't even stand to look at it.

The woman made a slight surprised sound as he threw it all off the table. As the porcelain fell to the floor and shattered in pieces, Boris glared at her with a look that was meant to kill an army. She looked at him, annoyed yet understanding at the same time. But she couldn't understand. Not fully. No one could with him, his life was such a fucking mess of wrong turns and dead ends he didn't even understand half of it himself. And right then he hated everyone for it.

''I don't want your fucking charity!''

She was just about to make a remark about his course language, but stopped herself in the last second and instead just shook her head. As she bent down to clean up the mess he had made, he said nothing, but neither did he move. By the time she was done, Boris had calmed down enough not to rip out the throat of the next person to look at him. Instead he sat glaring a hole through the wall, too caught up in his own personal hell to really care about moving.

''Care to tell me what that was all about?''

Boris just glared at her, but the woman was not discouraged. Instead she sat down by the table, right across of him, looking at him with wise eyes.

''That sounded like a fight you can only have with a person you share a lot of history with'' she said, and Boris wanted nothing but to kill her.

But he could barely even walk, let alone hurt someone. And now his effort of actually making things better seemed to only have made it all worse. He was at the very start of the labyrinth again, and this time he didn't know if there was even a point of entering.

''What was that thing you said?'' the woman asked, looking thoughtfully at him. ''Wo ai ni?''

Boris' eyes cleared, his interest now awakened again as their eyes locked for long, silent minutes.

''It's mandarin. And for that Rei-person to say it to you, why there must be a lot more to this fight than you let on.''

Boris kept glaring, kept saying nothing. He had no idea how he ended up in this apartment from the beginning, had no idea why he even felt the drive to understand those words. But it felt like they were the missing piece to one large puzzle, and that if maybe he found out what they meant, things would get clearer.

''You see my son is married to a Chinese woman'' she said, and for a moment she smiled. ''It means '_I love you_'''

Boris' heart stopped. His brain stopped. His blood turned ice-cold and everything around him silenced. It was like someone had just ripped him open and turned him inside out, mentally kicked him in the groin. The words of the woman spun around inside his head, getting louder and louder for each time they were repeated. He blinked at her, bewildered and perplexed.

''What?'' he growled, daring her to lie.

''You heard me.''

**X**

Rei locked his door as soon as he got into his apartment. As soon as he could he pulled down all the blinders, turning out all the lights while hiding in his bedroom. Things had really gone out of control now. God, what did he do wrong? All he did was get on his way to work, before suddenly reporters were surrounding him, with flashing lights to blind him and thousands of questions that made the world spin faster. He was just on his way to work! How did they even know where he was? He'd been in London for ages and yet no one had bothered or even recognized him.

And now they were all there. Magazines, reporters, journalists, tv-channels. The whole package, asking him about his life. Was it true that he had participated in a romantic relationship with fellow Beyblader Boris Kuznetsov? Was it true that he was homosexual? Was it true that Boris Kuznetsov was receiving treatment for alcoholism? Was it true that his father, recently deceased, had been abusive as a parent and husband? Was it true that his fucking life was going straight to hell and he had no idea what to do about it?

Rei wanted to sink through the earth. It was all out there now. The Gods only knew how the fuck it all happened but it had. Out in the open for everyone to see. It didn't matter that his answers to the questions had been to run, run as fast as he could until he was certain no one was following him anymore. It didn't matter, because the whole world would soon learn of it anyway. Whatever fabricated truth the news agencies made up, it would soon be for the entire world to know.

Rei didn't want to answer the phone. Didn't want to turn on the TV. Didn't want to listen to the radio or even look out his own window. Because he was afraid that he would see the world.

But most of all, he was afraid it would look back.

**X**

Kai looked worriedly at Yuriy. The redhead seemed to know something, something undeniably bad because otherwise the Wolf wouldn't have been standing in his living room in the middle of the night. Something was wrong and Kai could feel it in his guts. It wasn't just because of Boris' phone call the previous day, or that Rei didn't answer when Kai had called. It wasn't that sinking feeling that had hung over him when he went to bed or the odd sensation when he woke up. The look on Yuriy's face told him that whatever it was, Kai was right.

And when Yuriy turned on the TV, Kai's suspicions were confirmed. His eyes attached to the plastic looking woman on the news, talking monotonously, yet her eyes contained excitement that only a hunter that caught its prey could hold. It was the same, on whatever news channel they switched to, the reporters said the same. Even on the channels that spoke languages they did not understand, the picture of Rei in the corner told them everything they needed to know. Things had really turned to shit now.

''_The speculations, after receiving an anonymous tip three days ago, have been confirmed.''_

''_Rei Kon and Boris Kuznetsov are thought to have had a romantic, and sexual, relationship.''_

''_News are shocking the Beyblading world about two of its most famous blader's sexuality. Parents all around the world are shocked, turning in complaints about abomination being taught to their children…''_

''_Local associations for Gay's rights in society claims that this is a revolution in sports, and perhaps finally other athletes can step out of the closet…''_

''_Alcoholics Anonymous refuse to speak to us regarding this matter.''_

''_I think it's insane how a sportsman, in Beyblade none the less, could be allowed to compete if he was indeed alcoholic. __What example does this set to our children? That drugs are cool?''_

''_No, as a mother I don't feel my children are in danger. __Some of my best friends are gay. And I have a relative that's alcoholic. I feel nothing but sympathy towards these young men.''_

''_Reports about child abuse have…''_

And it just went on and on and on. It never seemed to stop. Like some big, macabre, bizarre merry-go-round painted with blood and regret. Everything had changed now. The world knew, the world had seen. It didn't matter what they thought, but the fact that they knew the darkest secrets of his best friends.

Mad? That was a drop in the ocean compared to what the two Russians felt. They were out of their minds with rage. No one did this to their friends. No one could be so disrespectful, so sadistic, so plain _evil _and get away with it. No, the Russians weren't mad. They were ruthlessly, blazingly fucking mad. So Yuriy spared no time throwing himself over the phone, barking orders to whoever was on the other side.

''Yes, hello? I'd like two tickets to London. Tonight.''

**X**

Boris had been trying to call Rei countless of times. He'd been standing at the pay-phone down the corner of the street for two hours. Sipping out a bottle while spending his last change on a call no one would answer. The night was looming around him, cold and dark and foreboding. It was almost like something really bad was just waiting around the corner to swallow him whole. Boris didn't know quite what it was but he had a feeling.

But since Rei refused to answer, he finally gave up. Throwing the now empty bottle at the ground, he instead decided to pay a personal visit. If only he could find out the right way, what with all the streets looking exactly the same and all. It didn't help that he couldn't walk properly. Boris thought that from all the nights he had spent wobbling, she should be getting better at it, but apparently the rest of the world didn't think so as he tipped over a mailbox here and there and tripped over a stray person once in every street.

He didn't know what time it was, but it was way past bedtime for normal people. It didn't matter anyway, if Rei was asleep he would just have to wake him up. And when finally, after another hour of loitering about, Boris had found his way to the apartment building where Rei lived. Now, it was quite a while since Rei told him exactly where it was, he thought it had been on one of their first encounters since the Tiger had returned. But still it was as if burned into his brain, and now when he looked at it, he was sure it was the right place.

So he climbed the stairs and knocked on a few doors, bellowing like mad until he finally tripped over the last few steps of the stairs, falling headfirst into a thin wooden door. He cursed loudly and quite colorfully, kicking at the stupid door in revenge for hurting him. After he had silenced, which took a few minutes, he could hear the door behind him open and out came a grumpy head that seemed to belong to a man.

''Shut your trap will you! It's three in the bloody morning!''

When Boris had kicked the man in the face, he wasn't bothered any more and so could keep on shouting like mad. He had to kick, what he believed to be Rei's door for a few minutes, and roar a little more, before finally the lock made that weird clicky little noise and the door opened. And right as rain, there he was. The Chinese Blader in person. Boris almost didn't have time to feel proud before he had barged into the apartment without further warning.

Rei barely managed to close the door behind him as he was still quite surprised to see Boris there at all. When the chock had submerged though, he was not looking as happy as Boris had expected him to.

''Whassa' matta' with you, kitty? Ain'tcha happee ta' see me?''

Rei's sighed, shaking his head as if he had been through all this before, like he was stupid to even expect anything else and yet he looked oddly relieved. Which simply just confused Boris further and the man wasn't entirely sure he liked his greeting.

''C'mere! We need t'talk!''

Boris stretched our his arm to grab Rei tightly by the shoulder, drawing a hiss of pain from the man as he pushed the Chinese into the living room. Once Rei had been thrown onto the couch, Boris sat down next to him, glaring in an observing, and not to mention unnerving, way. Finally Rei glared at him, sadly yet annoyed at the same time.

''You just can't take a no, can you?'' he said, but his voice was too tired for Boris to take him seriously.

''I tol' ya' not ta' hang up on me!''

''God damn it, Boris. You're drunk.''

''I know!''

''Really? Do you know how stinking pissed you are right now?''

Rei raised an incredulous eyebrow at him, but Boris simply waved his question away.

''So I had a couple'a drinks, so wha'?''

''A couple of bottles, more likely.''

''Okay, so I had two. What's it ta' you?''

Rei buried his face in his hands, too exhausted to deal with this. His life was falling apart, more so than it already was. And now his silly ex-whatever was sitting on his couch, drunk out of his wits and waking the whole house. He couldn't deal with it, he couldn't stand the pain and the worry and the anger and all the shit that came along with it. Rei wanted to be alone, he wanted to disappear, he wanted to be taken care of for once. Instead there sat an overgrown, psycho-maniacal baby next to him, demanding to be paid attention to.

''You're having a fucking relapse and I'm having a fucking collapse'' he groaned ''I can't deal with this, Boris. Not now.''

Boris blinked at him, not entirely sure he got the point.

''Whaddy'a mean?''

Golden eyes turned to him in heartbroken disbelief, and for a moment Rei actually thought Boris was joking. But Boris was looking as honestly puzzled as he could, and in a way Rei thought it made things easier. Boris wasn't there to mock him, or taunt him, or ridicule him because of the mass hysteria in the media. He wasn't going to laugh at him in sadistic glee because Rei had been exploited and hurt. For a small moment, that was the greatest news Rei had gotten in days.

''Why are you here, Boris?''

''Why? Can't I visit? I've not seen yer' new place. It looks… messy.''

Rei chuckled, sadly and sardonically, but still. His house really did look like a bomb had just been dropped on it, since he never had the emotional strength to do anything about it. It was a chaotic mess that could put Dresden to shame.

''Yeah.''

''Hey'' Boris said, as if he just thought of something big. ''If ya' clean ev'ry time ya' get anxious… how come yer' house looks like shit?''

''I don't know really. Guess I only enjoyed cleaning yours.''

And for a moment they just looked at each other in some mutual, contemplating silence. As if they were connecting, finally for the first time in a very long time understanding each other. Rei didn't want to hope too much though, as he already had gotten let down enough for one day. And Boris said nothing of it, as he was drunk and probably only imagined it all anyway.

''We should talk.'' Boris said after a few moments, none of them turning their gaze away.

''What is there left to say?''

The Russian shrugged.

''I dunno. 'M drunk.''

Rei chuckled again, but in the middle of it his restraints finally broke and instead of a mirthful sound came sobs. Harsh and violent as the tears were pouring acid out of his eyes. His whole body shook as he tried to wipe the tears away, but they wouldn't stop no matter how much he wished them to. Boris said nothing, simply looked at him and wondered if it had always been like this. If there had been a time when Rei didn't cry, and when Boris wasn't too drunk to understand why he wasn't laughing. But the truth was, he hadn't found Rei's tears funny in a long time. And whatever the explanation was for that, he didn't really care as much now.

It was all drops in the oceans compared to all their others problems anyway.

''I really messed up'' Rei cried, hiding his face in his lap, as if to hide from everyone. ''I really did it this time''

''What'd ya' do?''

''I think.. I think I just tipped the boat over and a lot of water is pouring in and this time… this time I don't know if I can keep my head above the surface''

Rei cried louder and harder, choking on his own breath once every few minutes. Boris still said nothing, and when a few minutes had gone and Rei was finally quiet, even though he was still shaking with tears, there was only one thing left for Boris to say.

''Can I sleep here t'night? I think I lost 'm keyes.''

And all Rei could do was look at him and nod.


	5. Winding Roads

I know many of the things Rei says are in Mandarin, when logically he should speak some native accent typical for his village, or at the very least Cantonese. I know this, but I choose the Mandarin words and terms for the sheer simplicity of it.

**IMPORTANT NOTE; **My sincerest apologies for the lack of updates. I know I've been lame on that part, not held my promises and things like that. I can't tell you when I'll update, but I can tell you I won't leave any story unfinished. It's just I have a lot of crap going on right now that I have to take care of. It's not going to be like Something To Believe In, but if you're patient, there'll be something to show for it later. Until then, thank you for your support so far. It means a lot to me.

* * *

''The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.''

- Emil Ludwig

**Chapter ****Five  
Winding Roads**

**X**

_There was something in the way his chest was rising and falling. Like it didn't really want to, like it gave up a long time ago. He had no idea what all the machines were for, all he knew was that they made a lot of noise. A lot of noise that he would never forget. Noise that would disturb him, echo in his head during every waken moment and every dream of his life. He would never forget the image that was displayed before him._

_People say that time heals everything, that it gets easier, that sooner or later you get over it. He thought people said a lot of things, a lot of it which was stupid. There was no way that he would ever get over this. He would never forget it, least of all forgive. And that aching, churning stab, the tightening of his chest and the crawling feeling that he was about to die, mentally until he even decayed physically. It would never go away._

_And no matter how much time elapsed, even if it did heal all wounds, it could never wash off the scars. It could never make the sight before him easier to handle, because if truth be told he didn't think it was supposed to. Some things in life weren't made to be handled, they were meant to induce pain and lots of it. _

_The gray skin reminding him of fresh ash, sunken eyes hollow and dark. __Chapped lips that refused to move, along with a thin ribcage fighting for every unwanted breath it could get. He wouldn't forget the tubes and the cords and the noise, he'd never forget how lifeless the man looked. He'd never forget the panic of watching someone die, praying to every deity that he'd live. Praying that he'd die and ease the suffering._

_Rei was tired of pain. He was tired of sitting by that bed, watching someone he loved fade away. He was tired of staring through the window, trying to breathe himself, feeling as if he was the one who was strapped down to that bed. He was tired of being vulnerable, tired of being sad. Rei didn't have any tears to cry anymore, and that fact alone saddened him. He was tired of holding Boris' hand and not feeling its warmth. He was tired of waiting by the side of someone who wouldn't even thank him._

''_Mr. Kon'' the doctor's voice was dull and distant, he couldn't for the life of it register his words. He didn't want to listen, but more so the man's promises had just become empty words by now. They didn't mean a thing. ''Mr. Kon, I have something to tell you.''_

_Rei didn't react. They always had something to tell him. Sometimes it felt as though the hospital was practically his home, since he spent so much of his life there. The doctor, as expected, took his silence as a 'yes', or perhaps didn't notice it at all, as he stepped closer._

''_I'm afraid the liver is too damaged for his body to function.''_

_Rei blinked, but otherwise didn't move. Just kept his gaze locked on the window, small rays of sunshine poking through. Warmth on his face, like gold dancing across skin that long ago lost its colour. _

''_I'm afraid it's failing. I believe he has two days at max.''_

_Silence was all he could hear. Broken only by their breathing and the frantic noise of the machines. Somewhere outside the window he knew a bird had to be flying. People had to walk by, wondering about their own ordeals. Cars driving to unknown destinations, clouds drifting, an entire world screaming in silence._

''_I see'' Rei said, looking down at the hand he was clasping in his. ''When will he wake up?''_

''_Mr. Kon…'' the doctor frowned, clearly a bothered sigh in his voice. ''As I said, I don't…''_

''_Yesterday you said it'd be soon, and the day before that you said it would be even sooner.'' Rei finally turned his head to point his dead, empty stare at the man in the coat. ''I think you've been lying to me all this time, doctor. So why would I believe you now?''_

_The frown in his clean face deepened as the doctor took yet another step closer, irritated, confused, almost disturbed at the situation. Rei just looked at him, his eyes speaking nothing, his face unmoving, his voice so calm and so quiet it was almost like he wasn't there._

''_Mr. Kon, are you listening to me? He's not going to wake up.''_

_Rei just tilted his head._

''_I don't believe you.''_

''_Mr. Kon, he's got two days, maybe not even one!'' the doctor flailed his arms in exasperation, suddenly scared by the other's words. ''He's not going to wake up!''_

''_You're lying.''_

''_I'm not lying! For God's sake he's going to die!''_

_Rei looked at him, straightening his head as they both said nothing. The machines went on with their business, as did the world around them. No one stopping to think or even consider what was going on. But even if they did they would be left unsatisfied, for nothing was going on at all. Rei could honestly say he was not surprised. He didn't even feel the pain anymore. Even though he knew, had known all along that the man on the bed was dying, he himself was already dead._

''_I don't believe you. Leave the room, doctor. I want to be alone with him when he wakes.''_

Rei bolted from the dream as if on fire. Panic in his chest thumping at a dangerous speed. The sweat was plastered against his skin, cold and damp and uncomfortable. His breathing desperate, like he was drowning, and it took a good long while for him to realize where he was. The dark emptiness of his bedroom was screaming at him, and as he drew a hand through his hair Rei knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

Honestly he didn't think he even wanted to sleep. Glancing at the watch on the bedside table, the knowledge of what ungodly hour it was only helped to prove this. Sighing, it didn't take long before he was on his feet. The cold floor plastered against bare soles, a tired, worn man striding through the apartment.

Rei felt a thousand years old. His mirror reflection even looked the part, with his sallow skin and thousand-yard-stare. It was like staring into the face of a stranger. Unnerving, frightening. He groaned in irritation, wondering what he was supposed to do to get the night to move faster.

At first he watered the plants. Then he went to pee, after which he made a watery cup of tea that led to the bathroom to pee once more. He tried to clean a little, but his heart wasn't really into it so he quickly gave up. He wandered off to the balcony to do a little stargazing, realized he didn't see much of those balls of gas anyway and quickly headed inside. After he had sorted out his wardrobe into five different categories, tried to sleep once more and failing, Rei found himself in a situation of déjà vú.

There he was, sitting on the couch table, staring at a sleeping Russian who had buried himself in the couch. A small, pitiful pillow under his snoring head, as well as a thin blanket covering only his feet. Rei remembered the first time he slept in Boris' apartment, and how unnerving it had been to wake up and find the man staring at him. He wondered if Boris would react the same way.

As a grey eye opened, and something nasty in Russian hit him, Rei noticed he was about to find out. As he half expected, the man had bolted upright, yelled at him before turning his back on him, trying to return to sleep while at the same time telling Rei what a perverted moron he was. Rei just stared at him, sighing a little now and then as he waited for the back to turn around. Boris just lay in some sort of stubborn, childish silence, refusing to acknowledge the Chinese in the slightest.

''What's it like?'' Rei ignored his brave attempts, knowing the Russian couldn't stay quiet forever.

And right he was, as the man turned around to glare at him.

''What the hell are you talking about? What time is it?''

''The coma. What was it like?''

Boris frowned.

''You woke me up to ask me about my coma?''

Rei nodded.

''I couldn't sleep.''

''So therefore I can't sleep?''

''Sort of.''

Boris sighed angrily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried not to go on a killing spree. The alcohol was still thumping inside his skull, trying to crack it in every way possible, and Boris bet he was still a little bit drunk. To top it all of, he was just awakened from a dream that hadn't been all that bad. Actually it had involved pudding and pillow cases.

And now Rei had to go ruin it all.

''I don't know, like sleep I guess. A sleep which I am denied right now.''

As the rancor inside him stirred, the grey eyes glared quite so viciously at Rei. Rei just sighed as he guessed the man had a point.

''Did you know what was going on around you?''

''For fuck's sake, Rei'' Boris growled and slithered down under the blanket, hoping that if he couldn't see the Chinese eventually he'd go away. ''It was a jolly, golly good time. Why do you want to know?''

Rei shrugged.

''You're the one who thought we needed to talk.''

''About _us_.''

''This is about us. Well, about you, but still…''

''No'' Boris sat up to get into a better glaring position. ''This is about tormenting me.''

Golden eyes fixed themselves on him, invulnerable to his late night sarcasm and spite. Boris wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing, but it was enough to make him give Rei a sort of questioning stare. Rei sighed, leaning his chin against his hand.

''Okay. Speak.''

''Can't we do this when I'm _not_ tired and half-drunk?''

Rei sighed, and Boris could not miss the tone of frustration in the sound.

''Fine.''

''Rei'' the Russian sighed. ''Don't be girly about this!''

''I'm not being girly!''

''Yes, you are! Come back here!''

''Sweet dreams''

The tone in the Chinese's voice was not only a proof of how insincere those last words had been, and of how angry the man now was, but also a great way to make Boris turn irritated himself.

''Fine!'' he snarled, while laying down under the blanket again. ''I don't need to talk to him.''

As Rei was busy muttering away in his room, Boris himself lay convincing himself of how pointless and stupid this whole idea of visiting had been. But since his keys_ were_ gone, he didn't have any other place to go. The only good thing about it was that muttering was a great way to fall asleep.

**X**

She really didn't see what she did to deserve such a crude awakening. Honestly, she'd been a good girl all month. She hadn't hassled her brother, or broken anything in a fit of PMS-induced, womanly rage. Also she thought she'd lost a little weight from all the cleaning, so no matter how she twisted and turned it, there was no way she could see the reason of this torture.

Even the morning had started out innocently. She'd woken up at a reasonable time, brushed her teeth – because hygiene was indeed a virtue if one were to find a man – and after making a nice non-fat breakfast and a good old cup of green tea, she thought she could just relax until it was time to go to work.

Okay, so maybe she turned on the TV instead of reading the newspaper. But that thing wasn't any fun at all, and she thought she deserved some fun in the mornings. But it seemed that the TV had been a big mistake. As she had turned on the news channel, in a way to make up for being so unsophisticated and rejecting _Ming Pao Daily News, _she had found that maybe Channel 9 was not such a good idea.

There was some bored old man in a suit, reading from a bunch of papers clasped in his spotted hands, looking through the camera as if wishing he were somewhere else. At first she hadn't really paid attention, after all it was only a half-hearted attempt to lead a new and better life. But suddenly her eyes had magically been drawn towards the picture in the right upper corner. At first she had just let her eyes sweep over it in a quick glance, but as she was determined to return to her tea, her eyes snapped back to the screen again. And there her gaze was held, completely unable to turn away from the painfully familiar face looking back at her.

First she had been happy. Why wouldn't she when a dear, old, lost friend appeared on the news? But then she started to actually listen to whatever the newsreader said, and that was by far the greatest mistake of her entire morning. What first occurred to her was the headline. Big, bold, yellow letters screaming at her. And all courage and hope inside of her quickly crumbled as the words coming from the man in the box actually registered in her mind.

**X**

Boris' intended to sleep all day. To just lie there in the fairly new, and fairly comfortable couch and snore all his problems away. But this little plan of his had been crushed the moment that a cell phone rang. He hadn't even noticed it where it lay on the couch table, actually right by his head, but it's shrill, vicious ring was undeniable and true. It echoed from wall to wall, hitting him twice as hard in the head every time.

''Rei! Phone!'' was the most coherent yell he could muster at the moment, but as no one answered him he had to gather all the strength he had to yell some more. ''For fuck's sake, Rei! The god damn phone!''

Once again silence greeted him, and as Boris slowly realized that the ringing wasn't going to stop – someone must have been quite eager to get a hold of Rei – and that Rei was not going to answer neither him nor the phone, he had to take matters into his own hands. Boris muttered, climbing up high enough to rip the phone from the table and roar into it.

''What the hell do you want?!''

''_Uh…_'' the person on the other end hesitated, long enough for Boris to realize it was a girl, which illogically enough got him quite suspicious. ''_Is Rei Kon there?_''

''Why?''

''_Because the number is in his name so logically it should be his phone._''

Boris glared at the phone, deciding he didn't like the woman even though he had no idea who it was. But he did recognize something annoying in her voice, and he got the feeling he had felt that annoyance before. But the number on the screen was an enigma, apparently to Rei as well since it wasn't registered, so Boris decided to keep being suspicious.

''Who the hell do you think you are calling at whatever time it is?!''

''_I'm sorry it…''_

''I don't care if you're sorry!'' he snarled, voice anything but kind. ''What the hell do you want him anyway?!''

''_Who is this?_''

''None of your fucking business! Listen you cunt, if you – ''

Sadly enough the Falcon didn't have time to tell the rest of his threat – and it was quite a good one too – before Rei soundlessly snatched it out of his hand. Boris barely had time to react before the still sleepy looking Tiger brought the phone to his ear.

''Rei Kon speaking?'' he said more as a question, as confused by the number as the Russian had been.

''_Reirei!''_

The voice had immediately gotten louder, so loud in fact Boris was able to make out every word of what the woman said. But something in the way that Rei paled made him feel a bit wary, almost even hostile.

''Who is it?'' Boris glared possessively at the phone, but Rei just raised a finger to tell him to keep quiet, something the Russian did not take lightly. ''Don't wave your finger at me! Who is it?!''

''_Reirei, who is that? He's so rude! Is he your friend?_'' the female half-shrieked in poorly contained excitement, but something in her voice sounded a lot like hidden anger.

''Yes'' Rei said, staring straight through the air as if someone just gave him the most shocking news. ''It's Boris. You remember him, from the Neoborg?''

''_Whaaaaaat?!_'' the shriek made both men cringe in pain. ''_That bastard is there?! So it's true?! Oh my fucking god!''_

Rei frowned, the first sign of awareness in minutes. It was almost as if he'd never heard her swear before, and now Boris was twice as suspicious of the voice. He gave Rei a demanding glare, but the dark haired man just frowned at the air.

''_I just can't believe it! Oh my god! Oh my GOD!_''

As she started ranting about every God they had ever heard of, screaming on and off in English, switching to incoherent Chinese and something that sounded like a mix of the two, Rei slumped down on the couch. Boris watched him cautiously, not really sure of what was going on inside the golden eyes. When finally the ranting had stopped, Rei leaned his head back and closed his eyes in a way that the Russian recognized. He'd seen it before whenever Rei thought it couldn't get any worse, and then it suddenly did.

''_First of all you're… you're like __**that**__?''_

''Yes, Mariah, I'm a disgusting fag.''

''_Oh, that's just the icing of the fruitcake! I mean the fag-thing, the elders would never get over it, but I mean eventually I guess I would. Since I love you, you know I do! I mean, it'd still be weird but... with __**him?! **__What the hell, Rei?!''_

Rei looked about ready to bang his head into a concrete wall, just to see if the pain of listening to her would go away. But he sat still like a good boy, not really in the mood to even move. Tiredly, he sighed, not sure whether to be angry because she had found him, or just indifferent as he hadn't expected anything else.

After all, his life was over the news. If some of his old friends didn't still have his number, they could always track it down. And when they did he wasn't really sure how any of them would react after all these years. To be honest, they were all strangers to him now, and whatever they said didn't surprise him since he had no idea of what to expect in the first place.

''_And second of all_'' she went on as if nothing could stop her, which Rei suspected wasn't too far from the truth. ''_Your father died?! Your father died and we didn't get to hold a funeral?!_''

Rei bit his lip down hard, finally the hand clasping the phone white from the grip. A sudden anger tickled him, and even if Rei could have understood the crooked lines Mariah's mind travelled, he couldn't find it in him to understand her now. He wasn't even sure he should.

''I didn't want to give him a funeral.''

Boris silently watched him, uncertain if he should do or say anything at all, more certain that he'd just make everything worse.

''_But Rei, this is a disgrace! His name won't ever be as respected in the village again!''_

''I don't care, Mariah. The man was dead to me long before he actually died.''

Mariah just gasped in utter, pure, naked horror.

''_How can you say that?!_''

''You know my reasons, Mariah. You were there.''

A silence hung in the air, a silence so vast and so heavy at first Rei thought Mariah had been crushed under it. But he wasn't all that lucky, as she returned, her voice just a loud shriek-gasp now, but filled with fury.

''_Rei, I know it… it hasn't been easy for you but…'' _she sighed. ''_But it was a private matter. It was not to leave the village. You understand that, right? And now… you're all over the news, Rei. Everything's changed now.''_

Rei's knuckles whitened as something seethed inside his eyes.

''Yes, Mariah. Everything's changed. You and I are not friends anymore.'' He ignored her loud shriek. ''It doesn't hurt to say it anymore, it stopped hurting a long time ago. You haven't made an effort to keep contact, and to call after all these years to yell at me when you don't even know half the truth…''

None of them said anything for minutes. Mariah tried to splutter something out, but didn't get a word through the lump in her throat. Finally Boris took it as his cue, and with a little bit of force regained control of the phone.

''If you call here again I'll kill you'' was all he said, in a cold and serious tone of voice, before hitting the red button and slamming the phone down on the table.

Rei just stared at him. Long and hard and quietly. Boris didn't like the kind of stare he was receiving. He had expected tears, or maybe even a bit of anger, but instead the man just looked numb.

''This wasn't the last one'' Rei stated quietly, and Boris nodded.

''No, it wasn't.''

Rei sighed, leaning backwards with his hands covering his face. Boris shiftily gave the cell phone a scheming glare.

''We could get rid of it. Or change the number.''

Rei shook his head.

''No'' he said, voice tired and worn. ''I've run for long enough. This… I'll just have to ride this storm out.''

Boris looked at him with hard eyes, snorting in a condescending tone.

''You chose _now_ to grow a back-bone?''

Rei looked at him through his fingers, eyes unreadable yet peculiar.

''It always gets worse before it gets better.''

''You've been seeing that therapist again, haven't you?''

Rei shrugged, but said nothing. Instead they just sat there in a moment of silence. Rei staring at a speckle of dust, Boris staring at him. He didn't think Rei had really changed much. His hair was glossy and thick as always, still so damn long. He looked like he'd regained some of the lost weight, but other than that the only thing that was different, was that something inside of his eyes looked dim. Boris wasn't sure what it was, but for some reason it disturbed him.

''Does it make it easier?'' Rei broke the silence, his voice soft and low as he finally turned to meet the other's eyes. ''Drinking, I mean.''

Boris frowned at him, and at first wanted to say something sarcastic and mean, but found the words to be missing. Instead he chose to shrug.

''Not really.''

''Then why do you do it?''

''We've all got our ways, kitten''

Rei looked silently at him, but for the smallest fraction of a second, Boris thought he saw the hint of a smile grace his lips. A small, sad, but still familiar little gesture he hadn't seen in that face for what felt like a lifetime.

''Did you mean it?''

Rei looked questioningly at him, and it took a while for Boris to find the words. In truth, they had been hiding within him all along, but it wasn't until now that he felt he could get them out. In a moment where they were both vulnerable, but at the same time none of them cared. It was like Boris could have said anything, and Rei wouldn't have held it against him. Not that he would otherwise, but this was the first time Boris felt he could bother being honest.

''Did I mean what?''

''That… thing you said once. You remember?''

''No…'' Rei frowned in confusion. ''What are you talking about, Boris?''

Boris sighed, drawing a hand through his hair uncomfortably.

''Well…'' he muttered. ''Wo ai ni''

Rei looked as if hit by lightning, like his brain short-circuited. Like being put in a tub of ice-cold water. Terrified, the words seemed like a death trap and for a moment Rei was unsure of what to say. He swallowed to get the dryness out of his mouth, but all it amounted to was to make it feel like he swallowed barbed wire.

''Did you mean it?'' Boris asked again, his voice not betraying a single emotion. No threats, no promises, simply a flat tone of nothing.

''Why does it matter?''

''It matters because I say so!'' he couldn't stop his voice from suddenly cracking with frustration, annoyance, anger at the distance between them, anger at himself for caring, anger for everything.

''Of course I did, you idiot'' Rei shook his head. ''I meant every word.''

He wasn't going to ask how Boris found out the meaning, or even what meaning the Russian thought it had. He wasn't up to figuring out anything, he just wanted to not have to think for a while. Boris on the other hand seemed intent on doing just that, as a troubled expression crossed his face. His brain trying to tie together every possible loose end he could find. But he couldn't. He just grew more confused, empty and cold. Boris couldn't even muster up the strength to be angry, merely frustration was gnawing at him. But it was enough to make everything inside him burn, and he wasn't sure he could stay any longer.

''I have to go''

''I know'' Rei said, staring out into nothing again.

So Boris got to his feet. And even though he still felt like crap, and even though he still had no idea where he had his keys, he got his shoes and his jacket and got out of there. His mind one screaming lump of confusion, steps not knowing where they should go, just that it was somewhere away from Rei's apartment. Rei heard the man leave, the door shut and the silence echo in his home, a silence that echoed in his chest, hollow and numb. Feeling like nothing had really changed, and still knowing nothing would ever be the same again.


	6. Foolish Things

Yes, hello. I've changed my pen-name again. Hope you're not too confused but I can honestly say this was the last time.  
**And I know it's been so long since I updated anything... I'm NOT giving up, but have patience. It's not that easy. I feel a bit empty, creatively, I mean.**

But keep your eyes open and chapters will come in.  
Until then, here's something while you wait.

****

* * *

Chapter Six  
Foolish Things

**X**

Rei hadn't done much all morning but simply stare at the phone. He'd had it turned off during the night, from experience knowing that it was the only way to get some sleep. He hadn't spoken with Boris for the past days, figured the man needed some time to think. Normally Rei hated when he did that, because Boris never seemed to think he'd thought enough. There was always some insecurities lingering, insecurities which he could not leave be but he simply had to solve them.

Rei figured it was simply an excuse not to have to deal with the issue at hand. The Russian was sort of a coward that way. So he left him alone, figuring if he didn't hear from him in the next two weeks he'd go to the apartment and see if the man was dead. Until then he thought it'd be best to lie there and hope people forgot about him.

But the little nagging voice of reason – which sounded alarmingly much like Hilary – told him that this was a stupid plan and he ought to be ashamed of himself. And the only reason he really had to lie around was to think of a new plan that would make some difference. Begrudgingly Rei knew the voice was right, as it most often was, and therefore didn't give it much thought as he turned the phone back on.

Now, for the first time in three days the display menu blinked at him, almost menacingly. He wondered if this was really such a good idea, and with his breath held he waited. Waited, waited and waited but nothing in particular really happened. The cellphone stayed quiet. Rei looked at it in bewilderment, honestly he thought he'd get harassed a bit more. Not that he wasn't grateful, but it just seemed a bit… odd.

''_You have one new message!_''

Rei jumped in the couch at the vibration of his phone, staring in shock at the screen. Large, sinister letters telling him what he'd feared most all morning. Blinking he tried to get back to reality again. But reality wasn't such a nice place to be when he, just a second later, got another message. And another, and another, and yet another until finally he was starting to seriously wonder how many messages the phone could hold without exploding.

''_You have 34 new messages''_

He wanted to moan. Suddenly the small little thingamajig didn't look so innocent no more, and Rei wondered if he should just throw the thing away. But the nagging little voice didn't like that, not at all actually. And instead it told him that someone important might need to reach him, and he should call in sick at work or something if he wasn't planning on leaving the apartment soon. Which he wasn't. He tried yesterday, but he had to basically run back home before the horde of journalists and paparazzi caught him.

He really wished they would leave him alone, but he knew from experience that they wouldn't. Life as a sports star was not an anonymous one, but since the team put their blades on the shelf no one really remembered him nor his teammates. It had been a quiet life, but a nice one. The only ones who got attention seemed to be Tyson, since he still was going at it. And Kai, but that was because he was a businessman now, and people never really got enough of that.

Pouting in displeasure he finally clicked the right button and message after message got played for him. The first ten ones had been from random people, threatening him for being an atrocity and whatnot. The next ten were fans giving him their 'full support' whatever the hell that meant, and the next fourteen ones were TV stations and gossip magazines wanting to get a hold of him. Rei sighed.

''_So if you'd really be so kind as to visit us at the tv-station we…'' _click. ''_Message deleted._''

Rei wondered how many they were out there who wanted a piece. Shockingly enough the Ming Pao Daily news had left a message, and even though the majority of the journalists were from England, he caught a few Russian and Japanese as well. Knowing that the whole thing was so widespread, a crackling sense of dread filled him. Rei didn't want to be famous. He'd pulled out of the sport to get a little peace and quiet, a chance to get himself together.

Never mind that he'd spent three years doing nothing but existing, wanting to live life but not really sure if he dared to. The last year had filled him with enough life, and enough pain, to last him a lifetime. So if he wanted to he could hide inside his apartment until the entire thing died out, but he didn't want to do that. It'd feel like a cage and Rei didn't want to be trapped in his own home.

He was not nicknamed 'Tiger' for no reason. Rei needed calm, but at the same time he needed life and excitement. He needed to feel free, to know that whatever he felt like doing he could do it without curious reporters breathing down his neck. On the other hand, what was worse? Being trapped in his apartment or being hunted down as soon as he set foot out on the streets?

He really didn't know and for the moment all he wanted to do was get a little sleep. He hadn't even called his boss yet to explain the situation, and to add to his misery he couldn't even go to the grocery store without being noticed.

Mumbling a little to himself, Rei decided the couch was sufficient to sleep on, and therefore curled into a little ball under the blanket. Most displeased he noticed how comfortable it was to be squeezed into soft pillows, soft pillows that smelt like a certain Russian. Not that he'd admit it out loud, but it was… nice.

Much to his irritation he wasn't allowed to wallow in this nicety for long, before a small, pitiful sound came from the doorbell. An old relic he thought would have dusted and rusted apart by then, and at first he thought he'd heard wrong. But the ring came again and again and again until it just wouldn't stop and Rei was sure it was imprinted in his brain.

Oh no. Oh crap. The press couldn't know his address, could they? He wasn't listed, in any list at all. He was quite anonymous, and he didn't know anyone who could tip him off. Dr. Dafoe was bound by law to uphold professional secrecy, and James couldn't say anything because of what one of the A's stood for. Other than that Rei didn't think he knew anyone. Perhaps his boss could have squealed, but the man didn't seem like someone who'd do that.

Rei didn't know and at the moment he didn't care either. No one came to visit him, besides perhaps Boris but Boris never had the delicacy to use the doorbell. Either he'd knock loudly or he'd just barge right in. The ringing was eager, but it wasn't close to Boris-brusque. It was more clouded in some sort of annoyed urgency. In a way that sort of piqued his interest. The question was if it was enough to make him risk his life and open the door.

Five minutes of more shrill ringing, and a few kicks to the door, told Rei it was best, for his own curiosity's sake, to at least peek through the door. So, quiet as a cat on the prowl he tip-toed out into the hallway, trying extra hard not to breathe too loudly as if the thick door between him and the visitor was really paper thin. He was just about to put his eyes to the peeping-hole when a hard, relentless fist connected with the door on the other side. Making him jerk back, face aching from the impact.

''_KON! Open the damn door!_''

Rei frowned. He just didn't hear that voice. No way.

''_Kon!_'' more irritated knockings. ''_I know you're there!''_

Rei looked at the door with great wariness, suspiciously as if the person on the other side was just a figure of his imagination. Or worse, a journalist dressed as a Russian to trick him.

''Yuriy? Is that you?''

''_Yes! It's me! Open up!''_

''Is Kai with you?''

''_Why? Do you think I'm here to hurt you?''_

Rei really didn't want to answer that, so he decided it was best to stay quiet. Not that he didn't _trust _Yuriy, he just wasn't in the mood to have the man in his apartment. Alone.

''_Rei, I'm here. Will you let us in?'' _Came Kai's voice, and finally Rei relaxed somewhat.

Without any other sound he unlocked the door and opened it, and setting a new world record Yuriy barged in without even saying 'hello'. After him came Kai and he could feel their scrutinizing glares as he locked the door once more, taking his sweet time before he turned around to face them.

''Uhm… hi'' Rei said uncertainly, not really liking the unreadable glint in their eyes. He thought he could make out anger in their faces, but it was small enough to just be something he imagined. ''This isn't Russia, right?''

Almost as if by habit, Yuriy scoffed.

''Don't try to act like an idiot, Kon. We know what's going on.''

''Okay.''

''I said don't deny – '' it was odd seeing Yuriy confused, for a while there he'd thought the Russian was incapable of it. ''Okay? I mean… _don't okay me!_ I want details!''

Yuriy was like a rock. A cold, made-of-ice, slippery rock in the middle of a stormy ocean. He was impossible to climb, impossible to get around and more so he was like trying to befriend a tumor. Yuriy was almost always calm, bordering on eerie, and when he was angry people knew damn well to stay away. Of course he never got angry in the I'm-going-to-eat-your-family-while-you-watch sort of way that Boris did, neither did he get angry in the I'm-going-to-ignore-you-and-shun-you-viciously-until-you-come-begging-for-forgiveness sort of way Kai did.

No, Yuriy was somewhere in between. Right now Rei thought Yuriy was probably the scariest, mostly since he wasn't as used to the redhead lashing out as he was the others, but also because Yuriy had that blood-chilling look in his eyes that suggested he was going to pick you apart and you'd never see it coming. Rei felt like the little boy being scolded by his father, all the while Kai stood intently watching them. Waiting for a mistake, a slip-up or just a simple explanation.

''I don't know what to say'' Rei shrugged, feeling unrealistically calm. ''You know about my life, you know it's all over the news. What more details are there?''

At first he thought he was going to deny it as well, ignore the problem and hope it went away. But the cold of being caught red-handed wasn't there anymore, and suddenly Rei felt as if he'd finally had enough. As if he'd run too far and too long and all he wanted to do now was to stand his ground. Hoping that somewhere deep inside of him, the old Rei would reawaken.

''Well'' Yuriy said, voice sharp as a razor. ''What are you going to do?''

''What is there to do? I'm tired of hiding. Staying in here would only drive me mad, it _is_ driving me mad. I want to participate in this fight.''

The two Russians just looked at him for a while, with that odd little glint Rei had never been able to read. But for a moment he thought that Kai looked almost… proud.

''The press is going to be relentless.'' He said, stating a fact they already knew.

''Yeah, I know.''

Kai looked at him questioningly.

''And you're ready for this? You do know this is nothing like when you played professional Beyblade? They're going to be a thousand times worse.''

''I know, Kai. But eventually it _will_ blow over. Someone else will make a bigger fool out of themselves and the media will rush to laugh at their misery instead. I just have to make it through this, and then it'll be fine.''

A part of Rei wondered if that was really true, or if he was just trying to kid himself. He did hope it was, but at the same time a part of him knew it might not be that easy. Now when after a few years of anonymity, they knew where he was, now when they remembered him…

''Maybe it's time to get out of London'' Kai finished his sentence for him, making Rei's heart sink a little.

After all the courage it took him to return to the city, a place that held so much sentimental nostalgia, it felt as if leaving London was as if leaving a friend. He'd had his ups and downs there, sure, but it was also the only place in the entire world where he had felt at home.

''I know.''

They looked at each other in silence again, no one paying any attention to the luggage the Russians had. A vague thought whispered that Rei should offer them some room, but at the moment he couldn't get his lips to move, let alone form words. Instead he waited, and it was Yuriy who finally broke the silence.

''How's the idiot?''

Aqua pierced gold, and for a second no one knew if they'd be stomping on any toes. To be honest, Rei wasn't sure himself what was a touchy subject or not. For the moment he simply felt relaxed, as if his problems could be solved. He wasn't sure how or when, but just the knowledge that it wasn't permanent made all the ache he'd been carrying around seem less heavy. He was worried, hell he was petrified, but at the same time Rei could feel his old courage coming to life within him. As if surviving this new misfortune, perhaps the White Tiger was a little bit closer to its return.

''He… well, he visited three days ago.''

''Really?'' Yuriy arched a delicate brow. ''And here I'd gone and half expected to see his obituary in tomorrow's paper.''

Rei grimaced, then suddenly looked at the suitcases.

''How about I make some coffee and you make yourselves comfortable, and _then_ we bitch about things?''

''Sounds good to me.''

**X**

Three steaming cups of hot coffee stood on the table. The kitchen wasn't all that big but it was enough for one person, and in a way that gave the room some sort of lonely glow. The Russians didn't think much about Boris and Rei as a couple, most of the time at least. At first it took them a while to get used to, but the problems in the relationships weren't really that much of a surprise.

Sure, last year had been a bumpy ride. Bumpier than they were used to, but they never thought much of it. After the shock had worn off, it was just the way things were. Boris and Rei, Rei and Boris. Two people, like they'd been like that their entire life. It was as normal as the sun rising in the morning or water being wet. And now when it was all over, that same shock that had risen in the beginning came back.

And suddenly they realized how empty it seemed when Boris wasn't there.

Rei felt it too. No one to run around yelling at random things, hating every last piece of furniture and person in the world. No one to be mean or crude or sarcastic. No one to stir up some trouble and no one who would swing a fist at anyone who dared judge them. Rei had missed Boris, of course he had. He'd missed him like a limb, but it wasn't until recently he'd realized just how much the emptiness hurt. It was a strange feeling, waking up with no one beside him but the silence.

Kai had left his family business in the hands of the vice president, apparently their short-notice leave would do no harm to their everyday life. Rei'd been skeptic at first, but then Kai reminded him that he and Boris basically _were _their everyday life. It was enough to make the Tiger feel guilty, that the two felt like they had to come to England just to sort out a mess he'd made.

But Kai would have none of that and simply silenced him with a glare, saying that Ian and Spencer could take care of things back home. And what was important now was that things didn't get too out of hand. It was the most caring gesture Rei could think of, coming from them. No one ever said it out loud, but Rei knew they were there not as fellow sportsmen or rivals or even teammates. They were there as friends, and friends helped out even when no one asked them or even wanted them to.

And Rei was glad he had a friend like Kai. Someone who would, perhaps not give advice but who would instead offer a silence that was so much better, because it meant Kai _listened _to him when everyone else tuned him out. Kai never offered help directly, but still Rei knew he'd always be there if Rei ever felt he'd hit rock bottom. And Yuriy was trying his best, which was special on its own. On the outside it looked like two grim looking Russians sat staring at coffee cups in his kitchen, but to Rei it felt like a slice of heaven.

''Thank you'' he said suddenly after minutes of silence, making the two look shiftily at him. ''For being here.''

Yuriy snorted in a way to hide the awkward glint in his eyes.

''Shut up, Kon.''

''I mean it. You didn't have to come here. I know you've got things to deal with in your lives, but… I appreciate it.''

Kai nodded, while Yuriy grunted something inaudible. Another few minutes of silence stretched past, during which they all concentrated on their coffee. Suddenly Yuriy, without looking up, felt like he had to say something to make everyone forget the fact that he'd done something nice.

''So…'' he grunted in that gracious way that seemed like a trademark ability for him. ''The idiot. Still alive?''

Rei looked at his hands, fondling the coffee cup, feeling the warmth of the liquid permeate the ceramic.

''Well, he came over here.''

''Sober?''

''As sober as one can be after two bottles.''

Yuriy sighed exasperatedly, taking a sip.

''What'd he do?''

Rei looked at him, feeling the frustration in the redhead's words, accusing.

''Oh, no! He wasn't… behaving badly. Well, he was a bit loud and he was a bit crude but… he just wanted to talk.''

''Talk?'' Yuriy had the look on his face one gets after being told a rock tried to swim. ''Do I even want to know?''

''We talked about the media… thing. And then we talked a bit about what went wrong. Then he said he'd lost his keys and I let him sleep here.''

Two incredulous eyebrows rose in the Wolf's face, while Kai glanced somewhat questioningly at Rei.

''On the couch!'' Rei hurried to add. ''He slept on the couch, and… well, then the reporters started to call…''

''Reporters?'' Kai spoke for the first time in minutes.

''Yeah, they've been calling all morning. Asking me if I want to make a statement… I mostly just hang up on them.''

Kai nodded.

''I expected as much. Has someone else called?''

''Like someone I actually know?''

The Phoenix gave him another nod.

''Well…'' Rei thought about the call he'd gotten from Mariah, instantly feeling some sort of sad irritation filling him. His fist tightened around the cup as he sighed. ''Mariah called me.''

''Lee's sister? From your old team?''

''That's the one.''

''What'd she want?'' Yuriy half spat, not in the very least fond of the White Tigers, or anyone else for that matter.

''The same as the reporters, she wanted me to explain myself.''

''Hn'' Kai sounded. ''You have to expect more calls of that nature, I believe.''

''Yeah…'' Rei sighed. ''But, hey. Enough about me. What about you?''

Kai frowned.

''Us?''

''Yeah!'' Rei nodded with some sort of unfounded enthusiasm that almost bewildered them. ''What have you been up to recently? Anything new happen in Moscow?''

Yuriy shifted weirdly, glancing at Kai with a look that asked if the Chinese had gone crazy. Kai on the other hand, took the sudden change in conversation with ease, shrugging slightly.

''A tournament is about to start, I heard. Not that we will be participating, but I heard Tyson is.''

''Really? Where's it being held?''

''The first outtake is going to be in Tokyo, and then three competitions in Paris, Helsinki and Washington D.C. The semi-finals are held in Moscow, I think. The location of the finals haven't been released yet.''

Rei looked contemplative for a moment, leaning his head against his hand as his eyes wandered to the window. A blue sky had risen above the city, and for a fleeting moment Rei thought he could remember the roaring cheers of a crowd. He missed Beyblade sometimes, the rush of adrenaline as he watched his Blade spin into the dish. The glow of the spotlights and the vibrations in the ground as people cheered and clapped. Sweat running down his temple, his heart going 1000 mph, the sensation of being invincible, like he could do anything.

And then a crazy thought struck him.

''Wouldn't it be fun to watch a game?'' they turned to look at him oddly, like it was the first time someone ever suggested such a thing. ''Don't you miss it sometimes?''

''We're too old. It's time to move on.'' Yuriy oh so optimistically said.

''Perhaps, but that's not what I asked.''

The Wolf looked at him for a moment, not one emotion in his eyes betraying what he thought of. Simply observing, like Rei was some daft child who'd just said something worth thinking about. Finally Yuriy muttered, shaking his head as he downed the last of his coffee.

''We could always see the one in Paris.'' Kai said, thinking it actually sounded like a good idea.

Not that he was particularly interested in the newcomers, but he did miss the sport. And as one of the worlds former best Bladers, perhaps it could be fun to go to a game again. But this time as an observer. Rei smiled slightly at him, feeling that for the first time in months he'd gotten some good news.

''Great! When is it being held?''

''In about a month or so.''

Rei looked at Yuriy, golden eyes excited while the redhead had a grimace of disdain on his face. But after having Rei stare funnily at him for a few moments, he finally growled in resignation.

''Fine, I'll go! But it's a waste of time!''

Rei ignored the last part and instead downed the last of his drink as well, the smile on his lips getting bigger.

''Then it's decided!''

**X**

Rei remembered the way to Boris apartment from the back of his hand. Yuriy and Kai walked quietly behind him, not really questioning the decision to visit. Rei knew things between him and Boris were fragile, awkward and not to mention strange. A part of him wanted to wait for Boris to get things straightened out, but at the same time he knew he shouldn't hold his breath unless he felt like suffocating.

He wanted to sort it out now. They'd been sneaking around each other for months, not really saying what was on their mind but constantly thinking it. Rei hadn't said all the things he wanted to because he feared Boris wouldn't understand them, or worse than that; he was afraid the Falcon wouldn't listen. So he thought that if they couldn't have a normal heart to heart talk with each other, perhaps it'd do them both some good to get out of the house and forget everything for a while.

And what was better as a reality escape than to go see a Beyblade match? Not that Boris cared much about the sport now when he didn't have someone breathing orders down his neck. All it had ever been about for him was control, winning, subjugation. His purpose in life since the day he came to the Abbey had been to destroy. Beyblade was just a weapon. And now when he didn't have to compete, Boris didn't. Instead he found that life itself was a much better battlefield, with a much wider range of weapons and, the best part of it all, there were absolutely no rules.

But Rei had seen Boris battle. Besides the sadism and the malicious glee in the Russian's eyes, every time his BitBeast had spread its wide, majestic wings across the dish, Rei thought he'd seen something else in there. Something that wasn't supposed or allowed to exist. The last emotion that the Abbey could not kill.

Boris had looked proud.

So Rei found his way to the neighborhood where the Falcon lived, and thanks to Kai, Yuriy and some bribing to keep the taxi driver quiet, they'd managed to get there without getting attacked by reporters. Since he didn't want to test his luck he decided to get inside the building as soon as possible, and in no less than fifteen minutes had the trio gotten as far as to stand outside Boris' apartment door.

The thing was, no one seemed to be home.

''Weird…'' Rei pressed the doorbell for the umpteenth time, but no sound of footsteps came from inside. ''Boris?''

Rei tried knocking, he tried kicking, he tried ringing the bell five more times. He even tried peaking through the mail hatch, but finally beginning to feel like a stalker he decided it was time to give it up.

''I wonder where he's gone to…''

''Maybe the bar.'' Yuriy suggested and earned a glare. ''What? Sounds from what you've told me like he's had a relapse.''

Rei chose to ignore him, growling in annoyance instead of answering.

''Can't you call him?'' Kai asked, looking mildly interested in the whole situation.

''I think he broke it…''

''Looking for the young man?''

The three turned to look at the woman who had spoken, seeing an old lady look out from her own door. She looked kind, but on the brink of extinction, and Rei wasn't sure he even wanted to guess how old she was.

''Uh… yes. Do you know where he is?''

The woman shook her head.

''No, not since he stumbled out of here the day before yesterday, smelling like a liquor store.''

Rei frowned, suddenly feeling worried. If Boris hadn't returned home after leaving Rei's apartment, where could he be? He did say his keys were lost, but wouldn't he at least have kicked down the door?

The woman ogled them strangely, looking at Yuriy and Kai as if they were hiding guns behind their backs, but it wasn't until she'd been staring at Rei for a disturbingly long time that she actually made a sound.

''It's you, isn't it?''

Rei blinked at her, feeling that there was something he had missed.

''Excuse me?''

The woman just smiled. Which actually was more disturbing than her staring.

''The one he called when he borrowed my phone. R… something.''

Rei frowned, remembering the phone call he'd gotten three days before. Unfortunately he'd been too panicked to pay attention to it.

''Rei Kon'' he introduced himself. ''And these are my friends Kai Hiwatari and Yuriy Ivanov.''

''That's nice dear'' she said, making no indication to tell them her name. ''If I see the young man I'll tell him to call you.''

''Uh… thank you…''

And just like that the woman disappeared behind her door, locking it with a discrete little click. Left in the hall were the three men, looking oddly at the door, and then questioningly at one another. Rei gave Kai a look that asked if he had any reason to worry, but the Phoenix simply shook his head.

''We will just have to tell him later. Rei, don't panic. He'll be back.''

Even though he wanted to believe Kai was right, like he almost always was, something deep inside of him told him not to trust the words. Maybe Boris was just out making the town an unsafe place to be, maybe he'd gone on an adventure. There really was no reason at all to get worked up about it, so why couldn't he help but worry?


	7. The Knell and the Lullaby

Three updates in three dates? Kewl.  
This has got to make up for my absence.  
If you review there might be more coming! _-wink wink-_

* * *

**Chapter ****Seven  
****The Knell and the Lullaby**

**X**

The depredation of the media was going on strong, which wasn't all that unexpected but it left Rei feeling like maybe he'd underestimated them. He was particularly dissatisfied with all the horrible pictures they got of him, despite his best efforts to lay low. It felt like a miracle that they hadn't found out where he lived yet. Still, Rei wasn't as high-spirited as he had wanted to.

Even if he talked about standing his ground and staying strong until the pressure just blew over, there were a few things that weighed especially heavy on his mind. It wasn't just the constant harassment on his cell-phone, or that he had to sneak around like some sort of fugitive. Talking to Boris had stirred up some emotions he'd rather left unheard, and after the failure at finding the man two days ago he wasn't feeling any bit less worried.

He couldn't help it. There was just this nagging little feeling in the back of his mind that told him not to hold his breath. Boris could be pretty much everywhere, and he was probably just overreacting. But that didn't calm him down the least. And what was worse that after all his efforts to just forget all the pain he'd been served lately, he still wanted to believe there was hope.

Hope of maybe not rekindling the fire he and Boris once shared, but to become friends again. Not just exes talking things through when one of them was drunk and the other was too drained of emotion to care. Rei couldn't deny it, even if he wanted to with all his stubborn being. He had loved the man, and he had meant the words he'd spoken. And some part of him thought that maybe that emotion wasn't quite dead yet.

Since Kai and Yuriy had come to London they'd been spending almost all their time at the apartment. Mostly they didn't do much but watch TV and enjoy the silence. Sometimes Yuriy would go out on adventures to find food and other necessities that Rei didn't want to look for himself, with the great risk of being found by the hyenas. Or, as the common name was; reporters. Kai stayed with him most of the time as well, but since Rei had been sitting in a corner of the kitchen looking excessively bothered for two days, the Phoenix had disappeared without a word. No one questioned this little vanishing act, they just figured whatever Kai was up to he'd either tell them himself or it just wasn't any of their concern.

But even so, Yuriy wasn't too happy about being left alone with Mr. Poutyface. At first it'd been alright with him, but when the only thing left to watch on TV was the Tyra Banks Show, he felt like he had to do something. And even if the only thing to do was to talk to the little nutcase, he guessed he had no other choice if he didn't want to start climbing walls.

So it was without much noise and without any warning that he sat down on the opposite side of the table, watching Rei with slight hesitation. Sure, he was used to the emotional pep-talks by now, but it still didn't make him all that comfortable with it. It wasn't his fault that he was gifted with an intelligent and perspective mind, so why he should be left to suffer for it was anyone's guess. But since Kai never said much to begin with, he guessed there was little else to do to pass the time.

''Kon'' he signalled the start of the conversation, watching the other while waiting for his response.

Rei glanced up at him from the magazine he pretended to be reading, arching an eyebrow at this sudden search for contact.

''Yuriy'' he answered after a bit of staring, not sure he wanted to know where this would lead.

''Have you ever thought about a sex friend?''

He had now gotten the Chinese's full attention, and it was not the good kind.

''Excuse me?''

Yuriy sighed.

''A sex friend! A fuck buddy! Someone to take out all your emotional stress on. Physical therapy, if you may.''

Rei just kept looking at him with the same incredulous look on his face. He was now beyond pretending to be indulged in celebrity gossip, and instead abandoned the magazine to give Yuriy a long, cornered look.

''Yuriy… are you coming on to me?''

The Russian's eyes widened with abhorrence, almost rising out of the chair at this insane accusation.

''What?! No! Are you mad?!''

Rei frowned at him, still not all that convinced.

''Just checking''

''Well, don't! I would never, ever think of you in such a way! God damn it, Kon! What's your problem?!''

''You don't have to get all defensive about it'' Rei glanced at him with a peculiarly mischievous glint in his eyes. ''Unless you've got something to hide, that is.''

''Oh, just give it a rest, will you?!''

''I'm not the one you're trying to convince'' Rei winked, earning a very dark glare from the other. ''Besides, you brought it up''

''It was a _suggestion_! And I didn't say anything about me being involved!''

Yuriy was not at all happy at the amused little grin that was spreading across Rei's face. Sure, it was refreshing to see something other than a pout, but not on Yuriy's behalf. He muttered something surely offensive in his native tongue, shaking his head tiredly.

''You're such a moron'' he mumbled, resting his chin in his hand.

Rei shrugged.

''I guess. But to answer your question; No, I'm not interested in a sex friend.''

Yuriy snorted. He just had to associate with the most annoying people.

''It might be good for you.''

''I'm not really up to that sort of intimacy after… well after everything.''

''It's not intimacy unless you make it intimate''

Rei raised his other eyebrow now, his amusement blending with a bit of bewilderment.

''You just think it's okay to use people as toys?''

''I didn't say that! And no, not _toys_, just… It doesn't always have to mean anything.''

Rei simply shook his head.

''No, I… just no.''

They were silent after that, and Rei averted his eyes back to the magazine again. Not that he really cared if Tom Cruise's kid was trapped in a mad cult or if Posh had left her husband, he'd just rather read about people being worse off. Perhaps he should call them and ask how they managed. If he noticed Yuriy staring at him or not, the Russian couldn't tell but it was obvious that he didn't want to have any eye-contact. Yuriy scoffed, forcing the Chinese to engage in that anyway.

''What?'' he said, not sure of what he'd given away this time.

Rei somberly realized he ought to control his emotions better. But Yuriy just shook his head, looking at him like he was some silly little high school girl swooning over a guy she couldn't get because her breasts just weren't big enough.

''You're going to take him back, aren't you?''

Even if it came out as a question it was really more of a statement. Maybe the Tiger hadn't realized it himself but to Yuriy it was clear as day that it would be the obvious outcome. What, with Rei just sitting there being all brooding and sighing every now and then. The Wolf hadn't expected him to just tell Boris to shove it someplace the sun didn't shine, but judging by the reluctance to hold a grudge you needn't be an analyzing genius like himself to figure it out. Some people just refused to realize they were better off apart.

''Uh…'' Rei just shifted awkwardly, and that was answer enough.

''I knew it. You idiot.''

''Well, it's not like he'll want to come back.''

At that Yuriy had to laugh. He just really, really did. It was such a stupid statement he just couldn't resist.

''For having spent an awful lot of time with someone you still don't know what to expect!''

''Why'd he come back?''

Yuriy shook his head, still laughing. Rei decided he didn't like when Yuriy laughed. It was just wrong, not to mention creepy. Like old women trying to squeeze into mini-skirts.

''Because he's a moron, why else?''

''Do you ever say anything nice about anyone?''

''Occasionally.''

Rei sighed.

''Doesn't matter since he seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth''

''It's not like it's the first time he's disappeared. He'll come back once he's banned from every bar he can drag himself to.''

''Yeah… I guess''

Still, Rei didn't quite dare to believe him.

**X**

''_You promised, Jung! You promised!''_

_Ai Shu Kon stared tear-stained at her husband, whom was lying in a crumpled heap of alcoholic waste on the floor. His hair one giant mess of knots and grease, while his once so proud face was scrunched in disdain. She wasn't sure how much he'd been drinking, but then again he was smelling like an entire bar so she knew it was too much. Violent sobs shook her frail body like earthquakes, stirring up her emotions until she just didn't care about being scared anymore. All she wanted was to get her husband back._

''_You promised me you would stop! You promised me… damn it, Jung!''_

_She didn't care about manners or polite language anymore. All she cared about was kneeling down beside the little lump of disgrace, the speck of dirt that had once, almost a lifetime ago been the love of her life. This broken, disgusting figure just looked at her, seeing not his wife but instead a great nuisance. Noise he wanted to silence._

_The hand came swiftly and precisely, almost as if rehearsed, and it hit her face so quickly she almost didn't register it. The pain was slow and throbbing, but it was nothing compared to the panic rising in her throat. Still she looked at him, shock so clear in her brown irises._

''_Shut up fer one minute!'' he snapped at her, his voice devoid of all amiable emotion there used to be. ''Can't even hear m'self think!''_

_His slurring, drawling voice rang loud and shrill in her ears. It was without doubt the worst sound she'd heard from him in all the years she'd known him. Ai Shu cried harder, watching her husband fall apart._

''_You said you would… you would seek help… said you would… stop'' she had to pause a moment to breathe, so close to hyperventilating now she almost couldn't speak. ''Damn it, you have a son! A family! If you can not take care of yourself, then how will you…''_

''_SHUT UP!''_

_The next punch wasn't nearly as graceful or gentle as the other had been. This was hard and cold with the complete indifference of the man who dealt it. It struck with a pain so fierce for a long moment she couldn't even think. All she could do was crawl into a ball, hoping the warmth on her face wasn't blood. Wondering how on Earth she'd explain it to the neighbours._

''_It's none a' yer damn business! Ye're just a… a fucking whore! I don' need t' listen… t' you!''_

_His relentless voice made her cry even harder. There was nothing recognizable within him anymore. All the days and months she'd spent hoping he'd better himself, thinking it was just a phase, they all seemed so silly now. He wasn't going to stop, no matter how much she begged or how hard she cried. This was the first time he'd actually laid hands on her, but she feared it was not the last._

''_Please…'' she whispered ''Just… think about your son… do not… do not hurt him''_

_Jung scoffed, looking at her with the uttermost disgust and despise she'd ever seen in his eyes. Looking at her but seeing dirt, a bug that he had to squash. There she tried to plead to him by using their son. Pathetic. He didn't care about that little piece of shit. He didn't care about any of them because they were all just dragging him down. Bringing disgrace upon his name, taking his money, treating him without the respect he _deserved. _Damn it, why couldn't they see?_

_He wasn't a bad person, he really wasn't. They just couldn't understand him. In fact, they never really could. She could have her filthy little offspring, he didn't care anymore. They never understood. They never really got it. He was so sick and tired of being locked up in that hole. In that village, where all there was to do was obey the elders. Always, always having pressure. The weight of an entire world on his shoulders. Damn it, he just wanted to breathe!_

''_Father? Why is mother crying?''_

_They both turned to look in the direction that the voice had come from. Seeing their son, too young, too innocent to understand. And Jung hated him for that._

''_Why is mother's face red?'' he took a step closer, but didn't get that far before his parents both yelled at him._

''_Rei, don not come here! Go back to your room!''_

''_Go back to your damn room, brat!''_

_Rei looked at them with slight fear, eyeing them both wondering why he wasn't welcomed in the room. Wondering why the air was so tense and why his father looked so angry, wondering why his mother was sprawled on the floor._

''_Rei, please…'' his mother pleaded._

_After a few seconds Rei started backing away, shyly as he wasn't sure what was wrong or right to do anymore. Once he'd disappeared into his room again, Ai Shu turned her gaze towards her husband. One last pleading look sent his way, one last hope to make him see sense._

''_Jung… you promised, damn it you promised!''_

_He just glared at her, something vile resting in his eyes. No longer the Jung Kon she knew, but instead just a stranger that had gradually started to grow within him. A stranger that had silently moved into their home, until there simply was no Jung anymore._

''_Promises don't mean shit.''_

**X**

Kai came back a couple of hours later, and if one looked closely he seemed to be a bit more bothered than when he had left. Yuriy looked lazily at him from the couch, but became alert once he realized something had to be wrong. Of course it did, something was _always _wrong. Without a word Kai strode into the apartment, serious as always, managing to get all eyes on him just by walking into a room. He sat down next to Yuriy, not saying anything at first but simply just looking.

Yuriy was about to talk to him, when Rei came out of the bathroom to join in the movie-marathon. But he stopped right where he stood when he caught sight of Kai, he too sensing Kai was a bit more broody than usual. Frowning in growing worry, he walked over to the couch and sat down.

''Kai?'' he said hesitantly, not knowing what was going on but sensing he was going to regret finding out. ''Is something wrong?''

The quieter of the three clasped his hands, spending a few seconds looking at them before he said anything. Thinking things over and how he should break the news to Rei as gently as possible, without treating him like a child and without making him more upset than necessary. There wasn't going to come any good out of blowing things out of proportion, which there was a good chance Rei would do if he didn't hear it correctly.

''I went to Boris' apartment'' Kai announced, feeling their gazes intently on him.

''And?'' Yuriy said, crossing his arms, smoothly disguising his own, if yet minuscule, alarm.

''And he wasn't there. I asked the old lady next door if she'd seen him, but apparently she hadn't.''

Rei blinked at him, his mind already jumping to a thousand of conclusions, none of them with a happy ending.

''So… what are you saying?'' he asked, voice filled with the worry Kai had tried to spare him from.

''I'm saying, maybe he's not just out on town. Maybe something's happened.''

The trio shared an eerie, uncomfortable silence that even a winter storm looked pleasant by comparison. A silence during which their minds worked hard to figure out what that actually meant, while still trying to keep calm.

''What… do you mean… like…'' Rei stuttered, looking at a corner of the room since it was a lot easier than looking at Kai. ''He's… something bad?''

''Don't panic now, Rei.''

''Don't panic?! Kai, Boris' gone! For real!''

Kai sighed, leaning back against the couch with a tired look on his face.

''Let's not jump to conclusions.''

''Who knows what might have happened!''

''And who knows what might have not.''

Rei buried his face in his hands, mumbling incoherent sentences under his breath. The Russians glanced at him warily, not wanting to scare him more than he already was. Like trying to approach a frightened animal.

''I could go look for him'' Yuriy suggested, but that wasn't enough for Rei.

''We should call the police! We should put up posters!''

''Or we could do that.''

''Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod – ''

''Rei, calm down'' Kai said, his voice stern but not harsh. ''Nothing is getting better by you getting sick with worry.''

Rei gave him a pained look, knowing he was probably overreacting but not able to force himself to stop. As soon as he'd heard the word 'missing' and 'Boris' in the same sentence, his mind just went crazy. It didn't matter how rational of a person you were, if someone close to you was possibly in danger, everything else seemed unimportant. The only irrational thing left to do in your mind would be to not go out on a desperate search, even if you'd worry yourself half to death.

The others were worried too, but they were much better at controlling it. Of course, they'd had years of training to do just that, so they could keep almost any emotion in check. Still, deep, deep, deep, deep down – even if they wouldn't admit it – they were reacting just the same way. Yuriy wanted to go look for his friend right away, but his brain told him to stay put until they'd come up with a good enough option and thought things through. Rationalism, it could be a curse sometimes.

''Just… call the police! I don't care if I'm being ridiculous – '' Rei took a deep breath but failed to calm himself. ''Just… call them''

He stood up as quickly as he'd spoken, rushing out into the hallway without a second to spare. The next thing they knew was the rustling of shoes and jackets as Rei hurriedly put on his outdoor clothing.

''Rei, what are you – '' Yuriy gave him a reprimanding look that unfortunately was wasted on Rei's back. ''Don't be stupid! Where are you going?''

''Rei!'' Kai called, even if he knew it was futile.

''I'll be back as soon as I find him!''

They wanted to argue, but it was a bit hard to argue with a door getting slammed shut at you.

**X**

He didn't know what time it was, he wasn't even sure of _where _he was. His mind had just been one incoherent mess of what-ifs and bad scenarios. He didn't want to think the worst, but at the same time he couldn't help it. Every time Boris' had stormed out of the apartment, he'd come back worse for wear. That one time he'd been stabbed had been one of the most terrifying experiences in Rei's life, and the last time Boris' disappeared Rei feared he would never see him again.

So he couldn't help but think, what if? What if he was hurt again? What if he was lying somewhere, bleeding so badly that this time no doctor could ever stitch him back together? What if he wouldn't come back this time? What if this would be the last time he'd see him, if he ever found him at all? Rei didn't know what he'd do. All thoughts of betrayal and hurt just seemed so insignificant now, so petty and stupid he wondered why he even wasted their time on them in the first place.

He didn't care anymore. That moment nothing mattered, nothing but finding him. When he did he was going to hurt him so bad for ever making him worry so much. He was going to kill him, if Boris wasn't dead already. Rei shook his head to rid himself of such thoughts. It wasn't going to help him if he didn't stay at least a bit clear-jeaded.

But that proved to be harder and harder by each bar he went to that he had to leave empty handed. By each person that hadn't seen him, by each hotel and park and dirty little corner of London that gaped at him with it's hollowness, Rei was that much closer to breaking. It was with his last ounce of strength that he managed to keep it together, knowing that if he gave up he'd never forgive himself.

So he ran and he ran, and he searched and he searched. Biting back paranoia, fear, worry that was eating him alive. He felt lost, at one point both figuratively and literally. London was such a big town if one didn't know where to look, and it only seemed to grow with the shadows. By the time that night had fallen as a heavy layer over the buildings, Rei was so tired he could barely even stand. And he wanted so desperately to just fall apart.

That was when he saw it. There, in the shadows, a heap lying on the dirty asphalt. Something human, something moving, something very familiar and very much alive. Rei didn't even have time to breathe before he sped off towards it, not sure he wanted to know what was waiting for him once he got there. Knowing he couldn't turn back, knowing he had to face whatever would come his way.

The closer he got the more familiar the heap looked. Once he'd fallen down beside it, he recognized the grey tousles of hair and the strong, breathing frame. Rei thanked every God he knew of that those breaths didn't seem erratic, or too slow for that matter. He thanked every deity known to man that the wetness underneath him was just the remnants of a fallen beer can, and not the blood he'd grown so accustomed to.

Rei gave the body a frightened shake, not wanting to hurt him.

''Boris?''

The lump murmured something to him, something much too mushy and drunken for him to understand but it was all he needed to draw a breath of relief.

''Boris, oh thank God… you fucking idiot! Where the hell have you been?!''

''Mrhgn… dnn…''

''Do you know how long I've been looking for you?! Do you know how worried I was?!''

''Grrrrhgh…''

The lump stirred, moving in an attempt to sit up. Rei tried clumsily to help, too overwhelmed with relief and anger and worry to do anything delicately. Once he'd gotten Boris to face him, he briefly mused over how heavy the man was.

''Are you hurt?''

The Russian blinked sluggishly, every movement he made going in slow-motion. Eventually his chilling eyes settled on Rei, not until know realizing who it was that spoke to him.

''Nrrhhm… Rei?''

''Yes, it's me, you jackass!''

Rei didn't care about anything now. All he wanted to do was to vent his frustration and anger on the man who had gotten him so worried in the first place. What he really wanted to do was to slap Boris, but he restrained himself thinking the man was probably not in the best of conditions as it was.

''What're…. what're you doin' here?''

''I'm looking for you''

Boris blinked, this also done slowly, trying to get his tongue to work a bit better, sensing his speech wasn't all that coherent.

''Mmmmee?''

''You're the only drunken idiot I know.''

''Nhh… only had… coupl'a bottles…''

''A couple of bottles?'' Rei glared at him harshly, knowing that a couple of bottles was not only an understatement, it was a mockery of all honesty. ''You can barely sit up! Do you even know where you are?''

Boris just shook his head, making a humming sound.

''Well, neither do I. What the hell happened?''

Truth be told, Rei was feeling a bit scared again. He hadn't ever seen the Russian so completely hammered, and what unsettled him the most was perhaps that he'd actually thought the man was making progress. Even if he knew he was having a relapse, he thought the AA and the meds were actually helping. To see the man so out of it just brought back too much pain, and too many memories.

It reminded him too much of the nights his father couldn't even move, except for the occasional vomit. How he'd promised again and again that next time would be the last, but knowing it was just a lie. Rei was so tired of having to be back in that same place, a place he thought he'd left the day he left his home. He thought he'd never have to take care of someone in the middle of the night, vomiting blood and enough alcohol to kill a man with less tolerance. He was so tired of hearing the same empty promises and being left disappointed time and again.

''I.. nhh… tried'' Boris slurred, rubbing his eyes clumsily with a hand that didn't quite know what it was doing. ''I really, really tried…''

''Boris, what's going on?''

''They threw m'out''

''They _what_?''

''Apar… apartm… house. Boom. Gone.''

Rei looked at him in disbelief, letting the words sink in deep before he said anything else. And even when they'd sunk so deep they could seep out his feet, Rei wasn't sure what to say.

''You got… evicted?''

''Boooyah!''

Boris let out a little laugh, oddly out of place since Rei didn't appreciate the humour of it.

''How could they throw you out? Did you assault somebody?''

''Nuuuh-uuh'' Boris shook his head, his eyes having drooped close. ''They'um… they… uhm… money''

''You didn't pay your rent?''

Boris buried his head in Rei's shoulder, intent on drilling it so deep into that familiar, nice scent. Boris wouldn't ever tell anyone, but he'd really missed that scent. And right now it didn't matter if Rei was mad at him, he just wanted to bury himself in him and fall asleep. At the moment he was just so very, very tired.

''Boris! Focus!''

The Russian groaned, making Rei slap him slightly on the head.

''Boris! Did you or did you not pay your rent?''

''Nnnnn… might'uve forgott'n it… once…''

''Once?''

''Hrrrr… or twice…''

The Russian yawned, not noticing the wide eyes that were at the moment trying to glare holes through him. Rei just couldn't believe what he was hearing. He didn't want to believe it was true. Such a perfect way to end his already fucked up day.

''I can't believe this'' Rei sighed, shaking his head. ''I just can't believe it''

''S' true, though''

Rei closed his eyes, feeling a powerful headache knocking on his door.

''How long have you been homeless?''

''Mrrrr… sleepy…''

''_Boris_''

''Don' wanna talk 'bout it… sleep…''

Rei growled.

''Fine.''

Trying to stand up while still supporting the half-asleep man, he got to his feet and made his best effort to haul the man to his. Which wasn't all that easy, considering the situation.

''Alright, soldier, let's get you home.''


	8. Affectation

I'm getting the feeling I'm recycling the same plot as last time. Anyway.  
Review because I'm such a hardworking little girl!

* * *

**Chapter ****Eight  
****Affectation**

**X**

Boris puled. This just wasn't his night. First of all he'd woken up in a dirty, dingy little street corner smelling of something only whores would know. To top that he'd had this murdering, belligerent headache which was so severe he had to throw up to relieve some of the pain. Then he had to puke again, this time his body figured it was just for the hell of it. He would have said he'd had worse mornings, but not only would that be a lie but also did he have a hard time remembering the previous ones, so what did he know?

Then the day had been mostly a blur. One beer turned into two beers and eventually he was drinking everything he could get his hands on. Now this wasn't quite as fun as you might think. Boris was actually quite mad at himself, since nothing was going according to plan. Many, many months ago when Rei left, Boris realized how empty his life was. It wasn't something he'd pondered before, but suddenly he was forced to.

He didn't understand before what a great part of his miserable little life had been made up of Rei. He didn't fathom how incredibly pointless it all was when there was no one to wake up beside him. It was very grimly, and very reluctantly, that Boris realized what a sissy he'd become. So he tried for weeks and weeks to live like he'd always done; fast, dangerous and for himself only.

But it just didn't feel the same anymore. It was as in some way Rei had walked in, and like he always did with Boris' life, ruined everything. And the realization hit Boris, that he just couldn't go on like that anymore. Thus, there was the AA and the visits to the hospital and taking his medicine like a good boy. Now and then he'd flip out and want to rebel against this new life, he'd want to scream and stomp around like the idiot and callous bastard he was raised to be.

But every rampage always left him back at square one. It irritated him how hard giving up the bottle could actually be. He'd never seen himself as an addict. He could have just dropped the damn habit whenever he wanted, the thing was he just didn't want it. But destroying yourself seems like such a stupid thing when you've got something worth suffering for. And when Rei became that something, there just wasn't any room for the addiction in his life anymore. But as usual, the addiction wanted to have a say in it.

Back and forth, on and on, what all these bravados had led him to, was this. A screaming, furious landlord telling him to fuck off, throwing him out of the building, with his belongings raining out the window. Boris guessed it was just a matter of time. Still, it drove him so utterly insane with fury that he still, after everything he'd done and after all his efforts, had failed.

After that point on, the next thing he knew was that he was lying face-first on wet asphalt, with someone very familiar and very soothing talking nonsense in his ear. This someone had turned out to be Rei, who was now busy trying to drag the Russian home. This wasn't the easiest task, Boris knew how heavy he was and had his brain been something other than mush, he'd have found it funny.

Rei on the other hand was not amused, in fact he was rather pissed off. It wasn't easy trying to practically carry a big, drunk Russian home when he wasn't even sure where he was. What added to his great discomfort, was the looming threat of the paparazzi. And to think, there'd been a time when he'd found those people exciting.

''He's gotta whuuuuule wuuuurld, in 'is haaands! He's gotta whuuuulee wide wuurld, na na naaa!'' Boris suddenly burst out in not so flattering song.

''Oh, for God's sake'' Rei growled with slight effort. ''Shut up!''

''Sing with me, kitty!'' Boris arm snaked itself around Rei's shoulders, leading the unsuspecting victim into a wobbly dance. ''He's gotta whuuuule… somethin' somethin', innis' feeeeet! Or… hands…''

''Boris! Keep _quiet_!''

Rei couldn't keep his eyes from darting around with suspicion. With his fear already tickling him, his stomach was doing flip after bold flip. But the Russian wouldn't listen to him, instead he just swayed from one side of the street to another, more stumbling than actually dancing.

''Yooou are the dancing queeeeeeeen! Youuung and sweet – ''

Rei had to stare at him now. It didn't matter how nervous or wary he was, he just couldn't believe what was actually coming out of the Russian's mouth.

'' – only seventeeeen! Tambourineeee oh yeaaaaaah! I can daaance! – ''

''Boris, shut up! People are staring!''

''So letum stare, they're just jealous 'cause – I can jiiiiiiiiive!''

''For crying out loud…''

''Come on Rei! Haaaaving the tiiiime o' your liiife!''

Boris hoped the staring people wouldn't mind them too much. He hoped people only reckoned they were just two drunks on their way home, and in fact not two famous sportsmen dragging themselves through the night.

''Hey, Rei!''

Rei growled, obviously his irritation went the Russian by unnoticed.

''_What?_''

''See that guuuurl! Watch tha' sceeene! Diggin' – ''

Rei glared straight ahead of him, hoping that Boris just silenced because of some miracle but knowing it was stupid to hope. Which was proven once the man nudged him in his side.

''Come on Rei! You know the next part! DIGGIIIIIIIIN – ''

The Chinese sighed.

''Will you shut up if I sing it?''

The Russian nodded enthusiastically, chortling like a big, dumb child. Rei glanced at him, sighed. Knowing what he had to do, he drew in a breath of air.

''Digging the dancing queeeeeeeeen!''

Boris cheered and hollered, finally satisfied. Feeling like he'd done something very special today, he put a hand on Rei's chin and turned him straight towards a kiss. Rei was too taken aback by this sudden, clumsy, wet experience and the only thing he could do once Boris was done was stare. The Russian looked at him with wide eyes that with the lack of anger only looked insane, his large grin only adding to that impression.

''Kitty?''

''Yes, Boris?''

''Am I gonna regret this inne' mornin'?''

Rei grimaced.

''Yeah, Boris. You are.''

**X**

Things hadn't been going any better from there on. Boris' had started singing after a few minutes again, going through the entire Abba discography, singing songs Rei thought no man was ever supposed to know, butchering the lyrics with the brutality only the Russian himself was capable of. At least one of them were happy, Rei mused as he continued dragging them through the night.

After a while he thought the streets started to seem familiar, and hope was starting to glow in his mind. That was, naturally, when everything went straight to hell.

With only a few minutes left to the apartment, the flashes started to come. Out of nowhere, an ambush of cameras and questions attacked them. Boris wasn't quite sure what was going on but he noticed it made Rei freak out, and it was messing with his groove. It didn't take long for the singing Slavic to go from cheerful to murderous.

So not only had Rei to keep him from assaulting the photographers, he had to throw every thought of saving face out the window without remorse. He didn't know how many pictures they actually took of them, but there was bound to be at least a hundred of Boris going mad. It was official then that this just wasn't their night.

When Rei had managed to pry Boris' claws off his possible prey, there was little left to do but run for it. And running isn't really as easy as it might seem, especially not with great deals of alcohol running through your blood. But Boris understood that it was important for them to run. He didn't quite get why, but it was good enough for him to try to wobble away from there. As soon as Rei caught sight of a taxi, he stopped it with blunt disregard of traffic safety. Running blindly out in front of the car as it sped towards them seemed a hell of a lot better than the horde of flashes following their trail. Once the taxi had stopped, and the driver had yelled at them until a vein burst, they spared no time and darted into the vehicle.

Rei told him he'd double the money if the driver just got them out of there and lost the paparazzi while doing so. The driver was, despite his previous indignation, happy to oblige.

The entire ride back was filled with Boris muttering death threats to people who weren't even there, and Rei going through every curse and swearword he knew of. He didn't know how long the ride took, but it was one long swirling journey of u-turns and breaking traffic laws. Rei finally started to calm down once he could see his street coming up in the distance. But like all peace, that one didn't last for long.

Conjured out of the darkness, five photographers threw themselves at the car the moment it slowed down.

''What the hell?!'' Rei's voice was higher than his adrenaline, flash after flash blinding him.

Boris tried to get out of the cab, his eyes bloodshot with anger and drunkenness, his teeth bared like the carnivore he was growling like. Rei held him back, panic circling round and round in his head until he wasn't sure which way was up anymore.

''Go!'' he yelled at the driver. ''Go! Go! _GO!_''

Pedal to the metal the car sped out of there, not caring if the photographers fell so hard they were sure to have cracked some bone. Rei's heart was jumping frantically, his breath so firmly lodged in his throat he didn't even dare breathe in case he'd choke on it.

''What the hell is the matter with those people?!'' the driver glanced at the rear-view mirror, eventually getting eye-contact with Rei. ''Are you celebrities or something?''

Rei glanced at Boris, who was still pressed to the windshield growling in blood-thirst and anger.

''Yeah, I guess you could say that'' Rei sighed, covering his face with his hands. ''Fuck!''

''Don't worry'' the driver turned his eyes back to the road. ''I drove the entire Spice Girls ensemble around, I know how to handle the paparazzi.''

Rei didn't even bother to answer him.

**X**

Kai and Yuriy looked up the moment the door was slammed open. They couldn't say they were all that surprised at what they saw, still Yuriy couldn't help raising his eyebrows at them. In through the door came a clearly irritated and frightened Rei, carrying the drunken Boris who was half growling and half snoring.

''Where have you been?'' Yuriy eyed them suspiciously, wondering why they looked like they'd just run a marathon.

''Paparazzi'' Rei panted, dragging Boris' towards the bedroom.

''Paparazzi?'' Kai frowned. ''Did they follow you here?''

''I think we lost them.''

''_Think_?''

Rei kicked the door open, stopping for a moment to catch his breath.

''Try running from the paparazzi with the fucking Dancing Queen on your shoulder!''

The other two Russians wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean, but didn't get the chance to ask as Rei disappeared into the other room. Kai got off the couch and followed them, standing in the doorway he watched as Rei dumped Boris on the bed. The Falcon made a cheering noise as he hit the soft mattress, torn between laughing and breaking something he let the mood swing as it chose to.

Rei sighed, wiping some sweat of his forehead he started taking off the Russian's shoes.

''Where did you find him?'' Kai said, looking quite casual despite the situation.

Rei on the other hand, did not feel in the least casual.

''I don't know! Some street corner, drunk – obviously'' he threw the shoes in random direction, starting on the socks. ''He's been evicted''

Kai's frown deepened.

''Evicted?''

''Apparently he's missed paying some rents.''

''How many?''

''He wouldn't say. He started singing instead.''

Kai sighed, shaking his head. Silently he watched as Rei helped Boris off with his jacket, and went on to unbuckle his pants. Boris started laughing then, a loud and disturbed sound, making Rei's face take on one bothered expression after another.

''Oh, kit_ty!_''

''Boris, I know what's under there. Don't get any ideas.''

''If you say sooo!''

The pants were ripped off with a bit more force than intended, drawing a small 'ouch' out of the Russian. Still muttering Rei threw the pants on the floor, tearing out the quilt from underneath the man's body. The Russian didn't roll over or move at all, he just kept still like that bed was the comfiest thing he'd ever laid on.

Bending over the bed to tuck the drunk man in, a sneaky arm pulled him down. Rei let out a yelp as he hit the mattress, noticing he was being held by an iron grip, unable to move away from the Russian. Boris just snuggled into him, letting out a content sigh as he closed his eyes, muttering.

''Kitty, kitty… sleep…''

Rei glanced at Kai.

''A little help, here?''

Kai just shook his head, and Rei could have sworn he saw a slight grin tug at his lips.

''We can talk about things in the morning. Good night, Rei'' Kai turned around, starting to close the door behind him. He looked over his shoulder at Boris. ''Goodnight, Boris'' he added, before he turned out the lights and left.

''Nnniight...'' Boris mumbled, not sure of who he was talking to but feeling like it didn't matter.

All that really mattered to him was that he was warm, comfortable and hugging someone very nice-smelling. Rei guessed there was no point in fighting, and he had to admit it was quite nice actually. He'd missed sleeping next to Boris, and now when he had an excuse to, he guessed he better get some sleep.

''Night, Boris''

**X**

When Boris opened his eyes he instantly regretted it. His head was pounding so hard he couldn't remember the last time he had such a hangover. Maybe because he'd been drunk so many days in a row he hadn't had the time to. He guessed it was only a matter of time until it caught up with him. But why it had to catch up so fiercely, he didn't know. The best thing to do seemed to be to lie there until he knew he wasn't going to vomit.

Once Boris' eyes adjusted though, he was in for a little surprise. Not only was he tightly clutching something, the something was a body. And the face of the body was familiar, very familiar. Breathing calmly, still asleep, Rei was lying warm and close and right next to him. Boris had to think long and hard to figure out if the past months had just been a dream, if he was back in the past again.

Hearing Yuriy's and Kai's voices outside only fuelled that thought. But that seemed a bit absurd, didn't it? His days had been too real to be dreams, then again he'd had_ dreams_ that were too real to be dreams. One could never be too sure.

Distantly he heard the front door close, wondering what was really going on. Looking around the room, Boris' eyes adjusting more and more to the darkness, he started to make out shapes and furniture he'd never seen before. The bed was placed next to the wall, his had been placed in the middle. He didn't remember having such a girly ceiling lamp, and he definitely couldn't remember having curtains.

Perhaps it wasn't a dream after all.

He didn't have much time to think of it though, because now he couldn't hold yesterday's consumptions back anymore. Flying out of bed, he wasted no time as he ran to what he thought was the bathroom. Lucky for him, it was, but it was with slight alarm he realized he might not have the time to open the toilet lid. Instead he ran to the sink, throwing up like it was all he knew how to do.

After the sour, acid taste of vomit had crawled out of him, he leaned against the cold mirror, breathing heavily. So, this wasn't a dream. It definitively had to be reality if he had such a bad hangover. Boris sighed. The face looking back at him looked all too familiar as well. His skin being so pale now he could see some of the veins underneath it, like brittle paper that would burst if he stretched his skin too much. Running a hand through he hair he figured it was also time for a haircut.

What caught his eyes though, was the second figure that had suddenly appeared in the mirror. He met the eyes of mirror-Kai, standing in the mirror-doorway. Did he ever stand anywhere else? Always behind people, as if to catch their vulnerability. Never having his back turned to them. Boris snorted, turning to glare at the real Kai.

''What?''

Kai didn't make a face. He never made a face, and it always irritated Boris because it seemed so stuck-up. Like he didn't have to let his emotions show, he was so high and mighty he could live life indifferently, stoically as easy as he breathed. Hatred habitually bubbled up inside of the Falcon, who leaned against the sink with his arms crossed, mimicking the other in a sort of mockery.

''Stop staring at me, you prick!''

Kai shook his head.

''Yuriy went to get your things.''

''My things?''

Boris frowned, not sure of why his things needed getting. Unless…

''Oh, right'' the bathroom light glowed like the bulb that usually lit over people's heads. ''The eviction thing.''

''Yes, the 'eviction thing'''

''You want to talk about this, don't you?''

Boris gave him a wicked glare, playfully. It wouldn't surprise Kai if he withheld the information just to spite him.

''No'' instead it was Kai who spited Boris. ''Rei probably want an explanation first.''

Boris growled.

''Oh, shut up, Kai!''

The Phoenix just shrugged, before he strode out of the bathroom. He always managed to do just that. Depart when you wanted to scream at him the most. With a loud snarl Boris shot his fist into the mirror, his anger flushing bright red when he heard the crack of the glass. Glaring at his distorted image, several grey eyes glaring back at him, he wondered if he'd ever hated any of his friends that much.

Boris spent another half hour in the bathroom, while Kai made a pot of coffee, preparing for the interrogation that would undoubtedly take place once Rei awakened and Yuriy got back. Which he figured wouldn't take too long since it wasn't that far with the bus, and Yuriy was used to dodging reporters. It just came with the life they had. Getting a picture of the redhead was almost like finding a unicorn, he was that good.

It didn't take that long before Rei came yawning in to the kitchen, either. His hair slightly tousled as some strands had fled the braid, yesterday's clothes still on and a very worn look upon his face. Rei yawned again, stretching to get the stiffness out of his limbs. Scratching his head, he gave the pot of coffee an appreciative look.

''Mornin' Kai''

''Good morning, Rei''

Kai turned the page in the morning paper, only paying half attention. Rei soon sat down with a cup of coffee, the two of them enjoying the silence. Rei had been a bit surprised, waking up in a lonely bed that held the warmth of two people, but once he heard the vomiting sounds from the bathroom everything fell back into place again. Last night was still too fresh in his memory, and he did not want to see what the media would conjure up with all the pictures of them.

''Have you watched the news?''

Kai shook his head.

''No. The paper doesn't say anything, either.''

Rei scoffed.

''It'll probably come tomorrow''

Kai glanced at him, turning the page.

''Have you thought of who might have tipped them off?''

''They didn't exactly need any tipping off, seeing how Boris was one walking CD-collection last night.''

Kai shook his head.

''No, I meant from the start.''

Rei looked at him quietly, biting his lip as he rummaged through his head. Solemnly, he shook his head, sighing tiredly.

''No, I still have no clue. It's not like it matters, though''

''It matters if you want to kick their ass'' Yuriy's voice reached them, and the two turned their heads to look at the redhead who was holding a plastic bag. ''I managed to salvage some of his stuff, the rest was either stolen or vandalized.''

''Is that it?'' Rei raised an incredulous brow.

''No, this is just some things I bought on the way. Croissant, anyone?''

Rei smiled, but it wasn't enough to seem genuine. Pouring a cup to himself, Yuriy started preparing some breakfast for himself. Rei couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty, having Yuriy running all these errands just because he couldn't go outside. Having them both flown over, dropping their life to deal with his own. It wasn't that he wasn't grateful, he was just so tired of not taking care of his own problems.

''Yuriy, Kai…''

''Whatever it is, Kon, spare me'' Yuriy sighed, sitting down next to Kai, snatching the paper from him with the slickness only he seemed to possess. ''It's no problem''

''But it _is_ a problem! I can't just ask of you to do all these things, to just drop your life to…''

Yuriy silenced him with a glare.

''One thing you seem to forget Kon, is that Boris is _my_ friend too''

Rei wanted to say something, but closed his mouth as he couldn't really argue with that. Boris _was_ their friend, and he had been since they were little children. But it still felt like it was too much to ask, there was only so much friends were required to do.

''He's my friend, and Kai's friend. And, you're Kai's friend. The point being; we help you out because you're the only people in our lives that matter. Wolves take care of their own, otherwise the pack would fall apart.''

''You would do the same, wouldn't you?'' Kai said, seeing the doubt in Rei's eyes.

''Of course I would! I wish there was some way I could repay you, I just… I don't want to waste your time.''

''You're not, okay?''

''But…''

''Look'' Yuriy snapped. ''It doesn't matter what you say, we're not leaving.'' Seeing how Rei was going to protest again, he stuffed his croissant into Rei's mouth. ''Shut up and eat some breakfast.''

Rei looked incredulously at him, not sure of what just happened. Biting into the bread to keep it from falling, he turned one last look at Kai, hoping he'd side with him at least a little bit. But Kai just shook his head.

''If you feel like making it up to us, stop worrying.''

Growling, Rei realized there was no point to do anything other than to eat the strange little piece of bread and be quiet. After all, when had he ever succeeded in arguing with Kai in the past? As much as it was infuriating, he guessed they had a point.

Besides, better that his life was a mess than theirs.


	9. Cry Me A River

I know this is very poor after all the time it took me to get it out. But I concocted it in just a few hours. And I wanted a chapter without any special drama, since I needed a break from that. After all, a lot of angst is going to ensue in the following chapters. So, forgive my tardiness and I hope this will be to your enjoyment.

* * *

**Chapter ****Nine  
****Cry Me A River**

**X**

On the contrary to everyone's beliefs, when Boris half an hour later entered the kitchen he did _not_ snarl a sarcastic remark. This had them all a little surprised at first – perhaps even a bit pleasantly so – but then it had them wary. They waited for the long, dreadful minutes it took for Boris to pour himself some coffee, for the man to lash out and hurt them. Or to destroy a piece of furniture. But he didn't, and again they were surprised. But now they were staring at him with varying levels of concealed worry.

He felt their stares on him like needles in his scrotum, and tried quite bravely to keep a nonchalant face and pretend they were just patterns in the wallpaper. Which was quite ugly, he noticed now when he was actually sober. Not a very pleasant feeling, come to think about it, and eventually his worn out head couldn't take any more of their silence. Since he knew it had to mean something bad he turned to glare at them. It was just too hard to muster the strength to yell.

''What?''

It was with a cringe he noticed that it wasn't even a third as threatening as it used to sound. Instead his voice carried a broken down exhaustion, one he suspected was the reason for the strange twitch in Rei's posture.

Ah, Rei. Yes. It always came down to him, didn't it? The more and more he had thought about it, and he'd had a lot of time to think lately, it was all his life seemed to revolve around. Except for the booze and the hatred, there was this one man. Someone who had, at first, been just another meaningless face to him. Someone who had later become his enemy, then his unwanted friend and eventually even lover.

And it scared Boris that his life had been built around Rei to the level that with the other gone, his entire world collapsed. Boris had become all the things he hated. Co-dependent, weak and worst of all doubtful. Now when he had the man, and two of his closest friends – two of his _only_ friends - there, a little voice in his head he hadn't heard in a while spoke.

It was the voice of reason. The voice of understanding and the voice of selfless consideration. It had been such a long time since that voice appeared he'd thought it gone. Dead as so many other things he threw away during his childhood. But here he stood proven wrong, and the little voice kept repeating a question he until now had pretended he hadn't thought about.

Was this really fair? Could he really be this selfish? After all he had done, could he put Rei through more of this? He knew the man suffered, knew he was just as hurt – if not more – as he himself was. Sure, there were a lot of things responsible for the troubles of the Chinese man, but one of these was none other than the Falcon himself. And for the first time he let himself grasp the seriousness of this realization.

It hurt.  
Badly.

Rei turned his head to stare at the crumbs that remained of his croissant, while Yuriy and Kai exchanged a stealthy, knowing look. They kept this aura of understanding, a silent telepathic conference carrying on between them. It was creepy, but most of all it was annoying, and Boris wasn't in the mood to deal with their shifty asshole behaviour. Actually, he was tired of them ever butting into his life at all.

He was doing fine. Or, well, he knew that was a lie. But at least he was doing fine enough not to need them. Really.

''You're losing your grip'' Yuriy said swiftly, almost casually and gave him a look of boredom. ''We need to talk about this.''

''Is this a god damn intervention?''

He kept taking large gulps of the liquid, even if it was too hot not to scald his tongue. It was the only thing that gave him enough energy to stand on both feet and project all his anger and hatred onto Yuriy at the same time.

''So what if it is?''

''Well, it's a waste of time''

''You need it.''

''No, I _don't_.''

For a second there, Boris could almost swear he saw the Wolf roll his eyes at him. Imagination or not, it made him hate the smug bastard just a little bit more.

''You've been evicted. Do you know how serious that is?''

''I'm not stupid!''

''You see – '' Yuriy continued as if the other hadn't said anything, gesturing with his hand gracefully as he spoke. ''I don't think you do. I think you're under the impression that you're immortal or some other stupid shit and it's going to end up killing you.''

The only thing that kept the grey haired man from banging his head against the counter repeatedly until he could see bone fragments, was the ever present and ruthless headache. He wasn't as certain anymore that the coffee was such a good idea either, as it was making his stomach think it was some sort of elite acrobat.

''Do you take your pills?'' now it was Kai of all people, the one person who never cared about anyone's business as long as they didn't care about his, who pointed a meaning look at Boris.

The latter closed his eyes with an indignant sigh.

''Yes, mother. I do, otherwise my immune system_ will_ kill me.''

''Maybe I should rephrase that; do you take the pills for your addiction management?''

''Sort of.''

Kai shook his head listlessly. Never letting his friend go with those unforgiving, stripping red eyes Boris felt drained just being in the same room as him. It was as if Kai could see through his head.

''Do you keep the doctor's appointments?'' Yuriy put in, looking at him from over his nose with a certain air of importance around him.

''What's it to you?''

''So that's a no.''

Without warning and much consideration Boris slammed the cup of coffee down on the kitchen counter, making all items placed on it jump a rattling inch. His body hosted a slight tremor of anger and the headache was increasing furiously.

''That is none of your god damn business and I have no obligation to explain myself to you! I want to speak to Rei and Rei alone, and the two of you can just fuck the hell off!''

They regarded him quietly for a moment. Long enough to consider it, but not long enough for it to be of any worth to them.

''Well, does he want to talk to you?''

''I don't know'' Boris snarled almost competitively, turning his drilling gaze onto the subject of conversation. ''What about it, Rei? Do you want to talk to me?''

The Chinese didn't want to stop his exciting little excavation of the croissant crumbs. He really felt quite comfortable sitting in his own little world but the more he could feel the pressure in the room amplify, the more he knew he had to. So slowly, and much stiffly, he eventually met a pair of blue eyes that made his insides freeze.

''Rei'' Boris repeated through tightly gritted teeth. ''Do you?''

''You know...''

He had thought a lot about this. Naturally, he had come to several conclusions all of them confusing him. The more of him that pulled to the emotional side, the rational wanted a part in this story as well. And as much as he missed the stupid idiot, there was a part of him wondering if he could survive another year with him.

''Well?''

Boris was impatient. Rei sighed.

''What is there to say?''

''For one thing you have a lot of shit on your plate you need to sort out.''

Rei had to raise a disbelieving eyebrow at that.

''What, you were thinking about helping me? Be my little shoulder to cry on?''

It was harsh for coming from Rei. His tone of voice was extremely flat and emotionless, but the words carried a hidden edge that cut deeply. It took the Russian by surprise for the fraction of a second, making him consider the next thing he said a little more carefully.

''Also I need a place to stay now.''

''So stay at a hotel'' Yuriy muttered, giving him a piercing sidewards glance.

''You stay the hell out of this!'' Boris barked.

The two of them engaged in a glaring daggers competition, one which was very close to a draw and certainly would have made for good TV if anyone could get it on tape. Rei on the other hand was too tired to bother with them, and instead exchanged a small glance with Kai. Said man just looked at him blankly, nothing in his face saying yes or no. Just good old neutrality and the opportunity for the Chinese to make up his own mind.

Which was exactly what he didn't have the strength or the wisdom or even the _sanity_ to do.

''Well, your stuff is already here'' he sighed, and could almost see the triumphant little outcry crawl up inside Boris' mouth. It didn't get the chance to get further than that when Rei pointed a stern finger at him. ''But if you're going to stay here I have rules.''

Boris frowned.

''Rules?''

''Yes'' Rei nodded slowly. ''There will be nothing that can grab the attention of the press.''

''Fair enough'' he shrugged. ''I can do that''

''Yeah, but there's more.''

The Falcon looked silently at him for a moment, not sure he wanted to hear this. Rei fixed him with a firm and almost aggressive look in his eyes.

''As long as you stay here you will have to stop drinking''

''What if I go to a bar then? You can't keep me on a leash forever.''

''If you decide to go out on town and get drunk, fine. But you will not be welcome here in the morning.''

There was a foreign, almost cold note to his voice and eyes. Something Boris had never imagined could ever accompany the Chinese. Sure, he had seen Rei angry, he had even seen him murderous. Competitive, scared, irritated, cocky. But never had he seen him so heartless.

Despite the order making foul tasting anger seeth in him silently, eventually he nodded. Accepted. Moved on.

When it came down to it, he really had no other choice. He wanted to be selfless? He wanted to try to mend the things he'd ruined and get the pieces together? To make amends? Sure. Whatever. This was a good place to start. Perhaps even the _only _place to start. And to be honest, he had deserved this coldness from Rei from the beginning and he was surprised it hadn't arrived sooner. In a way it was almost a relief.

Because being angry at someone meant you cared. It was tough love, yes, but it was still love. And that was what it all came down to in the end.

''Sure.''

Rei wanted to reveal his surprise at this. Honestly he never thought Boris would agree to it. He had given him these rules not to be a bastard, but because sometimes you had to be ruthless to save someone. So for Boris to actually accept someone deciding what he should do was like putting him on a leash – the last thing Rei ever thought the man would accept. So it was with all right he wanted to let his jaw drop and his eyes widen. But he didn't. He kept the mask of being resolute and confident in his actions, refusing to show how unrealistically and heart stopping scared he actually was.

''Good'' he gave a stiff nod. ''Secondly, you take your pills. That's all I want from you.''

Boris gave a dry, hollow little laugh.

''No AA? Not even a doctor's appointment?''

Rei shook his head leisurely.

''No.''

''Not even rent?''

''No, but you could help me with the dishes from time to time. And please, don't break any of my stuff.''

Rei could appreciate the irony, he really could. He moved into Boris' apartment when he was evicted, and now it was the same situation but the other way around. Whatever happened it always seemed to end with the two of them stuck together in peculiar, problematic situations. If he hadn't known better he'd have thought it to be faith. Most probably it was just their own stupid choices that made their paths keep crossing. Or maybe it was that nagging little feeling deep inside that told him he couldn't let go.

Rei didn't know, neither did he want to think about it. Not today, at least

The other two Russians had been watching them quietly throughout the conversation. Yuriy with increasing scepticism. Directing his glare from Rei to Boris every now and then. Kai on the other hand had looked neutral and almost uninterested. Letting Rei do as he wanted but making sure to stay in the background in case he was needed. In spite of everything, that was really all there was to do.

''Well, my stuff's already here so I guess moving's not a problem.''

Unexpectedly, it was Yuriy who rose up to slam his fists in the table. It echoed loud and harsh, making Rei jump and the others stare in surprise and slight confusion at him. Clenching his jaws, barely containing the shivers of anger he glared with thin, murderous eyes at the Falcon.

''I'm glad you find all of this to be a big joke. When you grow up and realize you're a god damn fuck up, give me a call.''

And he left the room like a mystery, leaving only the trembling of the walls as a sign of his presence. The anger that had followed in his wake lay hot and labile in the air. For a moment no one was really sure what had really happened.

Eventually, Kai sighed and got up as well.

''I'll call you'' was all he said to Rei before he was gone in a hasty blur.

And that was that. No one said a word in minutes, nor did they look at each other. For a moment it didn't feel like he was standing in the same room as a close friend, ex lover and so much, much more. It was almost as if for those fleeting minutes, they were just two strangers in a broken down world. It was an odd sensation, that luckily passed a little as Boris made a trademark grimace.

''You know, you should get a haircut''

**X**

And the rest of the day wasn't more eventful than that. Rei called Kai and asked if everything was fine. Yuriy was silently sulking in the hotel room and Rei spent a few minutes trying to convince Kai that he could fit them all into his little apartment, and that it was no problem at all and they shouldn't have to stay at a hotel while visiting their friends. But Kai wouldn't budge and quickly and very gallantly changed the subject. They spoke for another few minutes and Kai promised to keep in touch before they hung up.

Then Rei and his new roommate unpacked what was left of Boris' things. It wasn't a lot to dance about. A lot of his electronic devices and furniture had been stolen. But then again, it was easier to fit it into Rei's apartment, so it wasn't all bad. After that Rei cooked some dinner and for the first time felt like he had reason to enjoy it. It was nice to have someone back in there, and perhaps even a little nicer because it was Boris.

They didn't talk much. Mostly Boris kept to himself by the table, and Rei by the stove. But it was a comfortable silence, one that needn't be ruined by another argument or tired discussion. It was fine to just be, there and then with no expectations or demands. Just like it used to be. It was fine and it made him smile. And it felt good to smile. He had missed that. And Boris had missed seeing him smile and somewhere, deep down it made him feel a bit proud that he had caused that expression of mirth. He rarely did, so he wanted to revel in it while he had the chance.

One thing they hadn't thought about or discussed until evening came and with it also the screaming need for sleep, was where Boris should sleep. Rei didn't offer him the couch, he didn't feel the need to as it was already understood. Boris knew that. Maybe, he didn't mention it partially because he didn't want him to sleep on the couch. Of course, Rei discarded this thought as soon as it came jumping out on him and pretended like it had never occurred at all.

He decided to leave it entirely up to Boris. If the man wanted to take the couch like so many other times, he was free to. If he wanted to climb into the bed with him he was free to do that as well. Not that he should, they weren't a couple anymore and it would just be weird and complicated and Rei shouldn't even think about such things. Even if they weren't enemies they were still just _friends_ now and friends didn't spoon with other friends and oh, he really had to nip that in the bud before it bloomed.

The point was Boris now could do whatever he wanted. Which both amplified the entire 'no expectations' things, and at the same time made the pressure even heavier. If he slept on the couch, would Rei think he wasn't interested and take it as some sort of rejection? If he slept in the bed with him would it be socially awkward and how much of a personal space did Rei require? Was he supposed to be a selfish but content creep or a dissatisfied and careful gentleman?

He had promised himself to start going a bit easier on Rei. But that didn't mean he had to be too considerate. He was still Boris, after all.

Sure enough, nightfall soon came and Rei stood at the deadlock second between exiting the bathroom and entering the bedroom. He kept staring at the door, reluctant to go in as if he waited just one second long enough Boris would come with him. He couldn't stand there forever though, it would just look suspicious and stupid. Which it was. Of course Boris would take the couch. It was easier and less complex and surely it was the better for all of them.

At this point though, Rei didn't care about the best for anyone. He just wanted to feel his smell and his warmth tiptoe across his skin and get lulled to sleep by erratic, forceful heartbeats. He wanted to nestle into Boris' t-shirt even if he knew the man hated that. Which was the point. He knew Boris hated when people clung to his clothes when he tried to sleep, but Rei liked to do it anyway. Even more when Boris let him.

The Russian hated spooning and the likes because when he slept he wanted to move freely, but even so that didn't stop him from snaking his arms around Rei at some nights. He missed the fact that he was happy just lying _next _to him. He was content watching Boris' back rise and fall in the morning when only Rei was awake. He was happy pretending to be asleep just so he could stay in that moment a little while longer.

He missed Boris' awful morning hair. Hell, he even missed the times when Boris would accidentally kick him in his sleep. Or when his hand would fall harshly straight onto Rei's face. Saying absurd things in his sleep. Snoring, grinding his god damn teeth that drove Rei crazy half of the time. Rei sighed. He was going to go even more insane if he kept thinking like this.

''Goodnight!'' he said a bit too loud and a bit too shrilly, not waiting for a response as he hurried in to his room, shutting the door closed behind him.

In a slight sense it was like stepping into a sanctuary and at the same time a tomb. It was nice to fall into his soft bed and hide himself between the covers and sheets. It was nice to bury himself in his pillow and listen to the silence.

But it was just too quiet.

It was too cold and too dark and the bed was too damn big and suddenly he wasn't too comfortable anymore. With slight disappointment Rei realized he was brooding, and as soon as he came to this conclusion he shut his eyes tightly. The sooner he fell asleep the sooner morning would come and he could stop fussing over this. Until the next night came, that was. So he lay there, still and irritated and childish in his own little silence. All the mental stress had set its marks and it was surprising how fast he actually started to drift off to sleep. But it was nice too, and he gladly welcomed the comfortable bliss of dreamland.

Vaguely in the back of his mind he thought he could hear his door open, if only by the merest inch. But too close to sleep, even if still attached to the waken realm, he didn't think much of it. It was just barely registered in his head under the category of 'random stuff you may or may not need to know'.

There was a shift in the bed's mattress and a dull squeaking of springs. He was just a second from falling asleep, when he was dragged out of it by two warm and familiar arms finding their way around his waist. Warm breath ghosted over his neck, but not in an unpleasant and sticky way and he felt his heart jump.

Rei turned his head a small inch just to see if he was really there. And he was. A warm shadow sharing the covers with him, creeping just a little bit closer. Turning his head back Rei closed his eyes with a calm sigh.

''Goodnight'' Boris murmured over his skin, sending a little shiver through the Chinese's stomach.

''See you tomorrow'' he whispered back.

Tomorrow could do whatever it wanted. Tonight, Rei fell asleep with a small smile.


	10. The Fine Art of Breathing

The chapters are short and pretty uneventful, but I hope that two chapters in two(?) days will be good enough anyway.  
Next chapter, things will probably start rolling a bit more. Don't know when I can get that one up and running, though.

Until then.

* * *

**Chapter ****Ten  
****The Fine Art of Breathing**

**X**

Fuck.

That was the only word repeated in Boris' head. It was all he could think of, as well as the only thing needed to be said. And it was a good word too. In just four letters you could describe the state he was in when he awoke the next morning.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck_.

The food Rei had made yesterday had tasted like he imagined God's would. Coming back the way it came though, was another story. The hot spices he enjoyed just hours before were now like grating irons against his throat, and he wasn't sure if the blood was from that or from the acids. It stung like hell though, and his stomach was cramping from trying to turn itself inside out so much it stuck like that.

Tears dripped down his eyelashes but through the blurry vision he could still see the vomit glare angrily back at him. It wasn't a bright red colour this time, but instead an almost blackened shade of crimson. He gagged between the breaths, the nausea coming on in leaps an bounds.

It wasn't because of a hangover, though. He'd been sober the previous night an that, he suspected, was the main villain in the ordeal. This was something he was used to. Going too long without his drug – or even sometimes as a side effect of the pills – he would spend the day by the toilet seat. Either vomiting his bones out or having terrible, explosive diarrhea.

Yeah. Being Boris Kuznetsov was not as great as one might first think.

And as a bonus, his body had given him a massive headache. If his stomach didn't explode, he was sure his head was going to. Which was quite a shame, actually. He didn't think Rei would be too happy to clean Boris-splatter off his shiny walls. Boris only hoped he hadn't woken the man up with his extreme heaving and pained groans.

If he was quick about this he might just be able to get rid of the stench of stomach contents before the other got up.

Crinkling his nose and snorting back the snot into his nose, he steadied himself on the porcelain, not trusting his shaking legs to carry him. The Russian spat in the basin, flushed the toilet and turned the faucet on. He let it run as he just couldn't gather the energy to wash his face just yet. The most hygienic thing would be to take a shower in bleach.

Fuck.

Groaning again, out of exhaustion this time, he eventually started to move. But he only had to cast one look at the mockingly gawking toilet to abandon the idea of washing anything altogether. The smell would have to stay. Besides, if he was going to shack up with Rei this was guaranteed to become a regular event. The sooner Rei got used to the smell, the better. Eventually it was just going to be impossible to get out. Or perhaps he had been hallucinating that too.

This was insane. How had things gone so wrong so quickly? He almost wanted to laugh at his own bizarre stupidity. At one time he had thought he could control this. No, he didn't have a problem. He was fine, he could manage himself. So what if his liver failed? He could take care of himself. Boris wasn't an alcoholic, he just liked to drink and he had no problem doing so.

Fuck, he was so stupid.

If his current state was the definition of control, he did not want to imagine what a situation without it would look like. Sighing he soon slithered back into bed almost as if boneless. This wasn't even sane anymore. It was too late for him to keep the blindfold on. This couldn't continue. It just couldn't.

It wasn't _normal_ to throw up every third or so days. It especially wasn't normal to throw up blood. To not know if the food he ate would stay inside of him for an entire hour. To see and hear things that weren't real. The murderous headaches. The cramps that made him want to jump in front of a moving truck. To forget days or how he ended up in one place instead of another. He was acting like a schizophrenic, demented 90-year-old.

Whatever greatness he ever thought himself to withhold, it wasn't evident in any of that.

No. Boris wasn't a winner anymore. He was a loser. A messed up wreck who was so far out of line he wasn't even on the map. His life was destroyed. His body was decaying. His brain was giving up on him, and he wasn't even thirty yet. The thought that came next was one he'd blocked out for months, even years. He didn't want to listen to it as it was the final blow to his pride that he couldn't afford. Boris squinted through the dots of light before his eyes, trying to see through the haze of pain and the person lying there.

Rei lay quiet, his breathing slow as if asleep. It seemed peaceful and for a moment Boris felt a sting of jealousy because of that.

Damn it. The stupid voice in his head was right. He'd lost Rei once because he couldn't admit his own mistakes. Now when there was the slimmest chance of redemption, he didn't want to let it slip away again. He couldn't. He _wouldn't_. Not after all they'd been through. It was time to finally face the brutal truth.

He needed help.

Fuck.  
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck_.

Just about to try to sleep again, he instantly felt the squeezing push in his abdomen. Rushing out of bed quicker than a blink, he took half of the bed with him as he rushed out the door. Rei sat up immediately as his covers got ripped away from him and in turn – being tangled in them – dragged him out of bed. Landing on the floor with a loud thud and a lot of pain, his brain couldn't compute what was going on.

When he heard the sounds of retching though, the pieces fell into place.

Begrudgingly, he managed to climb up to his feet and despite the brave attempts his sheets made to trip him, he got out of the room alive and relatively unscathed. Treading on light feet he entered the bathroom, stopping in the doorway at first since he didn't know if he dared go in there just yet. If Boris noticed him or not it didn't show. The man was busy gripping the toilet seat like he wanted to rip it out of the floor, his spine sharp and ugly as the stark bathroom light made it look even more protruding.

Then Boris said something. But it was broken and incoherent as it got drowned in the new flood of spewing. Rei frowned.

''What?''

The Russian coughed up the rest, breathing heavily.

''I said'' he croaked. ''Good morning''

Rei couldn't quite hold back the bitter smile at that.

''Do you want me to call the doctor?''

Boris shook his head.

''No, I think that was the last of it. There was no food in it, at least.''

''Are you sure?''

Boris wiped his mouth and got up. He looked so weak flushing the toilet it made the worry in Rei's face stand out too much to be able to hide. The Russian stretched slowly, then turned sluggishly to look at the other.

''Yeah. Dr. Prick says it's normal.''

Rei rolled his eyes at the nickname.

''Why do you hate him so much?''

''I just don't like him. He's shifty.''

Boris' narrowed his eyes while Rei raised his brows.

''Shifty?''

''Yeah. And he's always given you strange looks.''

The Chinese's smile grew just an inch.

''You're jealous?''

Boris just looked at him. He didn't feel up to talking about this, even teasing felt like too much work. So he just let out a deep, brittle breath and started dragging himself to the door. All the while Rei kept his worried eyes on him, frowning in what could have been fear. He put a hand on the Russian's wrist just as they were next to each other. It took a while, but eventually Boris turned his head towards him, giving him a questioning look.

''Are you...'' Rei hesitated for a second. ''Alright?''

The grey haired man just gave him an ugly smile. Rei always hated when he smiled, since he never did it out of joy. And it always made the situation even sicker.

''No, kitten. I'm not.''

He then proceeded to leave the room only to disappear back into the bedroom again. He needed rest if he was going to survive this day. At least, if he pulled through there was a chance that maybe tomorrow would be easier. Rei considered going after him, but wanted to make some tea first. It wasn't much, but he had one brand that was supposed to calm upset stomachs. Yes, it was meager. But at least he tried.

As he was rummaging through the kitchen for the needed items, he could hear his cell phone ring. Rei leaned his head back with a sigh. The phone had been quiet for days, he'd really been hoping they'd stopped harassing him by now. But maybe it was stupid of him to hope.

Still, having nothing to do while the kettle was boiling he moved over to pick the thing up. He needed to call his boss anyway, to explain why he wasn't going to work. Which didn't need much explanation if the man owned a television, but it was important for Rei to tell the story in his own words. What struck him as odd though was that for once a familiar number flashed on the display. Quickly, even if a bit sceptically, Rei answered.

''Rei Kon''

''_Uh, hullo Rei_. _It's me, James from – _''

''I know who you are, James. Is everything all right?''

There were no reasons he could think of for the man to call him. They had no friendship like relationship, and as far as James knew Boris was living on his own so it couldn't be anything about that. So the only thing left Rei could really come up with, was for something bad to happen. Feeling his heart sink he anxiously awaited the answer.

''_Oh, yes, yes!_'' but to his surprise, James didn't sound like he carried any bad news at all. ''_Actually I wanted to see if you were up for a job_''

Rei frowned. Okay. So this took a strange turn.

''A job?''

He could almost see the man nod enthusiastically at this.

''_Yes! Well, I heard you work with holding certain seminars?_''

''I'm... listening.''

''_Well_'' James laughed a bit modestly, but carried on. ''_What do you think about coming here, to the AA I mean, and hold one for our therapy session?''_

Rei opened his mouth but had a hard time finding the words. It was safe to say this was unexpected, and he felt surprised. But pleasantly so, and he was quick to smile.

''Sure, James. I'd be happy to.'

''_Oh, great! When will you be able to swing by?_''

''Well... whenever, I suppose. I've not got much to do around here.''

James was quiet for a moment, then gave out a thoughtful sound.

''_Ah, mm. Yes. I heard about that. I'm sorry the press is being a bunch of blood thirsty jerks as usual. Hope it's not too hard on you._''

''Thank you for your concern. But don't worry. I've got good friends to help me.''

And saying that out loud drew some light into his chest, and breathing was suddenly a lot easier. It was true. Even if life was a major suckfest at the moment, he did have great people around him. Even if they were few, and his losses were many, he had something good. And that was more than most people.

''_That's something to hold on to, right there._''

Rei smiled.

''Yeah.''

Then there was silence again. And not just any silence, but the kind where one person is trying to build up the courage to ask something very personal. Rei knew what it was going to be even before James managed to spit it out.

''_And uh... how is... uh... How's Boris?_''

As on cue, Rei could hear the Russian rush to the bathroom again.

''Not...'' he bit his lip. ''Not good. He just keeps throwing up.''

''_Is he drunk_?''

There was almost a hopeful inquiry to the question, and he seemed to draw a breath of relief when Rei answered.

''No. I think it's the abstinence.''

''_Well, then that's sort of good. Have you spoken to a doctor about it_?''

''Yeah, and I thought the pills he's receiving for the addiction were supposed to help but...''

''_Alcohol is one of the hardest things to get clean from. His body is just reacting to the abuse. This is normal. Just make sure you keep him as comfortable as possible._''

''But I'm worried... he's lost a lot of weight.''

The sounds of vomiting ended as quickly as they started, but Boris was yet to get out of the bathroom. Noticing the kettle was warm, Rei started preparing the tea, holding the phone between his shoulder and head until his neck hurt.

''_He's bound to. Just hang in there and, well... you know where I am._''

''Thank you'' and he really meant it, it was a certain sort of bliss to know that whatever happened all doors weren't closed on you.

''_It's okay Rei. You need to talk to. It's not just the addict who needs help dealing with things._''

''I know. But I've got that handled.''

Crap. He needed to call Dr. Peony too. He didn't even want to imagine what she was thinking since he hadn't turned up to their latest sessions. In all the stress he just hadn't had the time to inform her. He snorted. She probably thought he'd killed himself by now. Poor thing.

''_So, will six o'clock tonight be a problem for you?_''

''Hm? Oh! No, not at all. I'll be sure to show up.''

James laughed quietly.

''_Great! Well, I'll see you then._''

''Yeah, I know where to find you.''

He laughed again, a bit louder this time. The sound spread like a soft little glow in Rei's own chest. It felt good to hear someone laugh for once.

''_Take care, Rei._''

And with that, the man hung up.

**X**

Boris didn't know how he ended up on the floor, or when standing up had become too difficult. But that was the situation now, and he had to admit that it was quite comfortable feeling the cool clinkers against his clammy skin.

He felt like hell.

''Boris?''

It was Rei's worry that got through his foggy thoughts. He wanted to turn to look at the man, but his muscles screamed in violent protest so he stayed put. It probably wasn't a goo idea to give Rei a heart attack but he really couldn't help it. Soon he could feel the other drag him up into a sitting position and it was with some sort of self-satisfied glee he realized that he was leaning against Rei's chest. It was even warmer than the floor, and with that also even nicer.

''Are you..?''

''I'm alive'' Boris voice came out like sand paper in his throat. Talking probably wasn't such a good idea either. ''Just felt tired.''

Rei didn't say anything. Instead he fought with getting them both up on their feet. It felt like a regularly occurring task by now, and he'd even started to work out a technique to lift the larger man. Thinner or not, there was still a difference in mass and Rei's muscles were too tired to complete this task with ease. So it was with a lot of stumbling and an increased headache for both of them that the Chinese managed to drag the lump of flesh that was the Russian into the bedroom, before Boris sagged down on the bed. The covers were lifted over him leaving him in a cosy softness. Perhaps he should collapse more often if it gave him this kind of treatment.

''I made you some tea, for your stomach. It's here if you want it''

Boris glanced at the bedside table, but disregarded it to bury his head further into the warmth. Rei sat by the bed watching him for a moment, feeling the energy he woke with drip out of him. Without another word he crept into bed as well, welcoming the softness to his aching body. Boris buried his head into his neck, letting out a putrid breath. They lay there in the silence, feeling no need to speak as nothing of worth could be said. Somewhere along the stillness, Rei had started fiddling with silver locks. It was with slight fascination he noticed Boris' hair reached his shoulders now.

''And you say I need a haircut''

Boris snorted, but didn't answer. The tea was probably ice cold by now, but no one made a move to grab it. Boris' stomach was calming down either way. It still hurt like squeezing a porcupine out of his rectum, but it was more manageable now. The touch of Rei's fingers through his hair was strangely soothing and if he could choose, he wouldn't get out of bed for the rest of the year.

''Thank you'' he murmured with a slight slur.

Rei looked curiously at him.

''For what?''

''For doing this.'' he scoffed bitterly. ''It must suck to be my babysitter when you have your own shit to deal with.''

Rei just sighed. He didn't know why he reached out and pulled the other close. It just felt like the right thing to do. They weren't lovers anymore, no. But maybe it just felt like it was his turn to be the warm embrace this time, instead of the other way around. All the cold nights when the two of them were barely even friends and Boris had chased after him, brute and blunt but still there. In times of need one little supporting gesture could be just what you needed.

''Of course I'll help you, Boris. I just want you to feel better.''

Boris bit his lip at that. There was a nasty lump in his throat and the nausea briefly grew. But it wasn't vomit pushing at his throat this time, but words. Closing his eyes he knew he was going to regret saying this.

''I'm... sorry.''

Rei didn't know what to say to that. So he decided to say nothing at all. He didn't ask what he was sorry for, he already knew that. He didn't even feel the urge to ask where this apology came from, and why now of all moments. He just took it for what it was and was happy with that. Just a few meagre words could hold so much importance to themselves sometimes.

''Try to sleep. You'll feel better.''

Boris didn't quite believe that, but his eyelids seemed to close on their own accord. Soon he was drifting off into a soft, dreamless slumber, hoping Rei would still be there when he woke up.


	11. Memory Lane Is a Road With Many Bumps

So I lied. This chapter isn't that eventful either. Actually, it's just dialogue. I don't want to promise action for the next chapter either but…expect a bit more from the next one anyway. (Or don't? What do I know?)  
And. Uh. Sorry for the wall of text. It's pretty long this time.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Eleven****  
****Memory Lane Is a Road With Many Bumps**

**X**

The city had a great ability to look grey and rough at times, and this was one of those nights. But it was a strange sort of rough, one in which the grey colors actually blended into a calm palette of shades. The streets were busy as always and people never seemed to cease streaming over the cement. Among the crowd two sportsmen were walking, hiding behind thick coats and scarves and hats that were a bit too much even for the harsh evening cold.

The air was a bit damp, but it had the unmistakeable smell of oncoming winter. It smelled a bit like ice and fire smoke, which felt refreshing in their lungs. Finally the wetness of the dying autumn was starting to crawl away to leave room for the next season's frolicsome chill and antics. So far the evening had been pretty uneventful, which was nice for a change.

To his surprise Rei woke up without knowing when he'd fallen asleep. He'd let Boris be, as he wasn't sure if the man was too hot on following him to the AA. There had been no more incdents of vomiting but he reckoned the Russian needed all the rest he could get. He never seemed to get enough of it anyway.

So Rei got up, took a shower and tried to ignore the disgusting smell originating from the toilet. He'd cleaned it two times, but would have to do it again later when he had the time. There was just something about stomach contents that always seemed intent on lingering. But putting that aside, he was soon dressed and spent the next thirty minutes trying to get his hair dry.

When the hair dryer had given up and started spitting sparks in protest, the Chinese decided that perhaps it needed its own rest. Putting his hair up in a ponytail he rummaged through the refrigerator, ate a quick sandwich and got ready to leave. Just about to start writing a note to Boris, said man stood dressed and tired in the hallway. Rei gave him a wondering look, but they said nothing as they locked up and left.

Even if it wasn't cold enough to wear the entire winter armour, they decided it was the best thing in case reporters were lurking around. Which they were bound to. But out on the streets they started to wonder if maybe they'd gone overkill. It did look a tad suspicious since most people around them had barely bothered to wear gloves.

So it was with increased paranoia and stealth they snuck through the streets. Perhaps it had been smarter, and definitely a lot faster, to take the bus but Rei didn't want to risk it. It just felt a bit too public, after all. What if someone spotted them? And the two of them being seen together? The newspapers would have a party with that information, most definitely.

God, it was too tiring. This was the exact thing he had wanted to avoid when he quit his career and disappeared into anonymity. It had been a great thing, actually. Wandering about and minding his own business without having to worry about some photographer jumping at him from some bushes. Insane, the lot of it. How could this harassment even be legal?

Had a regular Joe been photographed against his knowledge and will the person responsible would get a hell of a lawsuit on him. But if it was a celebrity, society seemed to think they had to suit themselves. If you're famous, of course people would want to know about your every move. It was something you just had to deal with and stop whining because if it was so irritating, then why didn't you pursue a normal career from the beginning? He guessed there was some sort of point to it, but it made him slightly sick all the same. He hadn't even chosen to be the most popular subject of conversation. He found a sport he enjoyed and he was _good_ at it. Then people decided he was a celebrity and thus had the right to stalk him.

Where was the justice in that?

But despite that the trip to the AA went by harmlessly. He and Boris hadn't shared many words. They'd mostly discussed random mundane things like snow and eventually the weather differences between Russia and China. It was a normal and seemingly not very interesting conversation, but it was nice. He couldn't remember the last time they just walked like regular people and spoke about nothing special at all. The last time they just _were_. Nothing expected and in turn nothing failed.

At one point he asked, a bit hesitantly, why Boris has decided to come with him. The man just grunted and shrugged, saying that he thought Rei might like some company. And, well, he did, so he said nothing more of it. In just twenty minutes, they'd reached their goal.

A nice and welcoming warmth embraced them when they entered the building. The smell of cheap watery coffee and stale biscuits met them, mingled with light chatter and soft conversation. It seemed that the early Christmas spirit had reached even these people, and the oppressing lid of misery was lighter tonight.

Or perhaps things had just started to look up for them. He didn't know but guessed it wasn't for him to pry, and left it at that. It took only a minute for James to spot them and hunt them down. Apparently the man must have been anxiously awaiting him. When he approached them a look of pleasant surprise flashed through his eyes as he smiled at Boris.

''Hello'' he said, now turning towards Rei. ''Was it hard to get here?''

Most probably he was talking about the press, and almost looked a bit relieved when Rei shook his head.

''It was fine. I'm not late, am I?''

He looked around worriedly for a watch, but James just put a hand on his shoulder and ushered him through the room.

''Not at all! Actually you're early.''

He lead him towards the circle of chairs, placing him in the only thing close to resembling a middle. The chairs were larger in numbers tonight, which for some reason made Rei feel a bit uneasy. It wasn't that he got nervous about talking, though. After all he'd made a living out of it and normally, when he wasn't the object of a witch hunt, he'd hold four or five seminars a week.

What amazed him was how many people in London could actually be interested about what he had to say, but his boss said it was normal for that sort of subject. Apparently there was this one man who held seminars about incest, and he could get to hold up to six or ten per week. Which was in itself a very depressing and disturbing piece of information.

So, no, Rei wasn't nervous about talking anymore. Actually it had started to feel better every time he did. He got to get a few things off his chest that had bothered him for years, and at the same time he got the feeling of being useful. That maybe his little story could help someone. It wasn't much, but it made the weight a bit easier to carry.

Tonight though, he was nervous because this was the first time Boris would hear the things he had to say. Yes, the Russian knew about his father and mother and the years of abuse and alcoholism. But that was just the surface, the summary of an even bigger and more intricate story. After two years there were still details Boris didn't know of.

''Okay, people! It's time to start. Get your coffee and things and take a seat!''

The chatter died down a little as James, much like a shepherd, gathered the people to the circle. One after one they sat down, looking sceptically and some expectantly at Rei as they took their seats. Boris stood in the background for a moment just watching them, but eventually even he moved. Very begrudgingly and with a lot of baleful glares thrown around him, he sat down on the side opposite of Rei.

James was smiling brightly – a bit _too_ brightly, Rei thought – as he gave them all a nod.

''Good evening'' he said and the Chinese wondered how he could be in such high spirits over this, it was just a seminar.

''Good evening'' the group answered in varying levels of enthusiasm.

''I promised you that someone would come this week and speak to you.''

He turned a bit so that Rei was more visible, and immeadiately all eyes were drawn to him. Rei wanted to shrink under this awkward attention, but stopped himself.

''You remember Rei, don't you?''

''Hello, Rei'' the groups chorus of voices came and it was starting to sound a bit creepy now.

The Chinese smiled weakly and gave a sheepish little wave.

''Hi''

''And'' but James carried on, either not noticing or not just caring. ''for those of you who don't, Rei came here a while ago to act as support for someone in the group. Nice to see you here, Boris.''

The people who knew who he was only dared to steal glances at the Russian, but the new faces looked curiously at him. His murder glare intensified, and a second later all heads had quickly snapped away to look at Rei again. Shivers ran down spines and Boris growled. This had probably been a stupid idea. But he was here now, and he actually wanted to see what Rei was going to say.

He hadn't ever asked anything about the other's life because he hadn't cared that much. But now he was actually getting a bit curious. And besides, he had some business to do. Might as well kill one bird with two stones, so to speak.

''So, Rei, would you like to start?''

No, he didn't. But he nodded anyway, looking lost as he wondered if he was supposed to stand up or not. When James sat down and nodded – almost as if he'd read his mind – Rei decided to rise. He cleared his throat and let his eyes sweep over the group. He recognized some fuzzy, black haired man from before, as well as that blonde guy who'd gotten his nose broken by Boris. The nose didn't look too straight now, for the record.

He'd half expected _her_ to be there, but seeing her face being absent he wasn't sure whether to be glad or not. He still felt bitter whenever her face came to his mind. That strangling, tar like feeling squeezing around his chest. The heavy sting of jealousy, anger, blame and confusion but at the same time, the question if he really could still blame her.

Grudges were draining to keep too long, and after all she had tried to make amends. But still, she _knew_ Boris was taken and Rei couldn't believe how someone could ever do such a thing to someone else. He wanted to hate her for what she did, but at the same time he wanted to give her credit for having the guts to take responsibility for it. But he reckoned it was probably best not to have her there, as things would just get complicated.

Knowing he'd been stalling long enough, he drew a deep breath and fixed his eyes on a spot on the far wall. It was a trick Hilary taught him once. She said people performing on stage used it in order to look like they had eye-contact with everyone in the audience, without having to grow a pair of extra eyes.

''Hi, my name is – as you've already been told – Rei.''

He half expected them to give the famous answer, but instead they all stayed quiet. Fixing him with their eyes and he couldn't shake the feeling that they were analyzing him.

''James asked me to come here and speak to you, about my life and past experiences and... Well. I guess I should start at the beginning. Wherever that is.''

Boris shifted a bit, never letting the Chinese go with his eyes. For a moment Rei looked extremely uncomfortable, but as soon as he'd begun talking that look on his face started to diminish until what was left was the same determined, almost overly confident boy that he'd met so many years ago.

It was a glimpse of the teenage Rei Kon who'd been the fear and awe of Beybladers world wide. And it sent a shiver of excitement through Boris. A shiver that woke a hunger he didn't know he was carrying. The cocky glimmer in the Tiger's eyes – it intrigued him.

''Things like these are hard to tell when or even how they begun. It's just something that sneaks up on you, gradually until the moment that when you notice it, it's too late.''

He took a deep, readying breath.

''I was raised in a small village by my mother. I grew up as the son of my alcoholic and also later abusive father and it's hard even for me to tell if things could have been different.''

James had him steadily locked under his gaze. Undoubtedly he must have heard hundreds of these stories in his life, and Rei wasn't sure what was so special about his but decided not to think too much about it and instead just focusing on delivering.

''I don't blame the alcohol for the things my father did, but rather I blame my father for drinking it in the first place. Perhaps he would have been a different person if not for the alcohol, or perhaps he'd always been like that and the addiction was what he needed to bring it out.

I didn't realize as a child what was really going on. My mom would sit up at nights, crying because she said she'd fallen and hurt herself. And I comforted her and said it'd be better in the morning, and that was that. My father would pass out on the couch because, my mother told me, he was tired after a long day of hard work. It wasn't until years later that I realized that the bruises on my mother's face was from my father's fist, and the reason he passed out was because he'd been too drunk to even get to work.''

Boris leaned back in the chair, taking in every word but with a face that made him look disinterested – almost lost in thought.

''I remember that the first time he'd hit me, I was at a complete loss as of what to think. At first I was angry at him for doing such a thing, but then I was angry at myself.

What did I do to deserve this? Had I been a bad son? What was it that I did wrong? How could I make up for it, and how could I get my father to forgive me? Eventually, this kind of thinking led me to start blaming myself, thinking I _deserved_ it. If I dropped a plate so it broke, it was natural that he'd knock my teeth out. If I was late for dinner, of course he was allowed to split my lip. I didn't do too well in school? Well, I was a disgrace to my father who only wanted me to be good enough to have his name, I deserved the beating. After all I'd misbehaved and brought shame to our family. What would the elders think of my father if I, his flesh and blood and legacy, couldn't do anything right? It got so far as to him breaking my ribs and actually rupturing my lung for me to start realizing something wasn't right.''

It felt intrusive to hear this. Things he never thought much about before and therefore never got to know, never had the urge to know, told to them as freely as the dinner specials. Boris wasn't sure if he wanted to know this, or what to do with all the information. If it'd been his old self, he probably would have had a blast knowing this and surely it would have amused him for years on end. But it wasn't, and it didn't.

''I don't know how I managed to keep this from my friends.'' Rei continued, looking neither sad nor happy. ''Lee and I were like brothers, and I looked after his sister as if she was my own. We spent every free hour we had together, just exploring the forests and helping out in the village and there was nothing we didn't know about each other. I trusted them with my life and in turn they did the same. Looking back now I can't believe I survived with that secret weighing on my chest. At some days it was close to killing me, and yet I got through.''

He paused for a moment, just letting his eyes wander through the room. Some were listening intently, with that recognizing look in their eyes. Others were counting cracks in the ceiling, and some looked touched and enlightened. He'd seen it all before, yet it was a different experience every time to see just how his story could – and could not – affect total strangers.

''I don't know why my mother stayed with him, actually. I suppose it was our tradition, that it was a great shame to divorce and, after all, it was her duty to take care of him. She had sworn to love him until death, and she was intent on doing just that. Trusting and believing the countless promises of change. That he'd redeem himself and this time was the last time. But it was _always_ the last time.

She was ashamed to speak about it too, I believe. A woman not being able to take care of her family is a great disgrace, and she tried her hardest to keep us from falling apart. But she couldn't, and one day when my father broke my arm because I had forgotten to clean the sink, she tried to leave him. We didn't get too far, though. He found us at my grandparent's house and dragged us home, and I guess I must've blocked out whatever he told her that night because after that, my mother was never the same.''

He paused thoughtfully, looking into nothing as he remembered things he never grew used to knowing.

''She trembled all the time, looking pale and constantly jumping at every unexpected sound. It had gone so far as for her fearing her own life, and at this point I detested my father so much I did all I could to take his wrath. When he came home I got purposely in his way, I did everything I could to make sure that he'd take out his aggressions on me. Because, if he beat me enough perhaps he wouldn't feel the need to attack my mother.''

Rei gave out a dry sound, something intended to be an ironic laugh but that failed to fully grow.

''That wasn't a good plan, I know that now. It only led to more heartache and the guilt my mother felt was eating at her. When I was eleven my mother passed away in cancer. I still can't help but think I'm partially responsible for that.''

He clenched his jaws, thinking it should be easier to retell the story after a couple of hundred times. He wasn't surprised though that it didn't. The guilt and the pain and the remorse was still fresh in his mind, albeit duller after the rough course of time.

''Maybe if I'd done something, gotten her out of there, away from _him_, she'd be alive now. Maybe if I noticed it sooner, I could have stopped all of this from happening. Maybe, if I'd been a better son... she wouldn't have had to suffer like she did.''

Rei closed his eyes and the people in the room weren't drawing a breath. Boris' brow had furrowed through all of this. A slow wrath had started to crawl through him, a wrath that made him glad he'd beaten that son of a bitch who was Rei's father, as bad as he did back then. A wrath that made him disappointed he hadn't been able to do something worse.

''When my mother died I was lost. I know it all sounds cliché but... maybe there's a reason for that. I had lost the only one who knew the secret and I had loved my mother dearly. With her gone I was an empty vessel, and I stopped caring about whatever my father did.

He started drinking even more. Our house fell apart because no one even bothered to keep up appearances anymore. I tried to, but when I'd reached twelve I just couldn't care anymore. It wasn't worth it.

He lost his job and this was, naturally, my fault. That night he beat me so badly I knew I had to get to a hospital.''

Rei had started speaking faster now, almost as if counting off the number of shoes he had. Needing to get through this part quickly, before it dragged out old emotions from the dusty corners of his head.

''I didn't know where else to go, so I somehow managed to get myself to Lee's house. I admit that's not the way you want to find out your best friend's darkest secret, and even now I feel cruel doing that to him.

After that things were tense between us. I was angry and bitter. Lee tried to speak to me about it, but because of our village's traditions and the ever going drive for honour, not much was said. We acted as if nothing had happened, but at the same time Lee tried his best to look after me in secret.

I'd be over at his house more often, helping out and just getting my mind on other things. And that's how my interest for Beyblade grew. I'd played the sport before with the other village children, but it wasn't until now I gave it my undivided attention.''

The group all seemed to know what he was talking about. It wasn't many people that didn't recognize the sport, still not many of them were that into it. Just three people started to look like realization hit them, but to the rest the fact that they'd had a famous sports star among them all this time went by unnoticed.

''It was the only thing keeping me from thinking about everything. I know it was stupid of me to keep it all bottled up, as it was going to break me down one day. But I didn't know how to deal with it, and most certainly I was afraid to.

So I bladed. I bladed and bladed and channelled my fears and my anger into it, with all I had. When I was fourteen I was finally good enough to dare join a tournament. After that my life changed. I was recruited by the BBA to join a team, and the years that followed I was... close to being happy. I gained new friends, I was away from home and I felt like I could leave my old life behind me.''

A small smile had started spreading, shyly, across his lips. But it died just as slowly as he resumed the tale.

''But that was stupid of me to believe. It was haunting me in the nights, in the shadow of days, constantly gnawing in the back of my mind. It was eating me from the inside out, and eventually I got enough of everything. I quit the sport, moved to Hong Kong and had one of many mental break downs.''

For the most fleeting of seconds he looked up to meet Boris' eyes. But it was broken before the Russian even had time to catch the emotions in Rei's eyes.

''After I tried killing myself and failed for the third time in one month – at this time in life I was nineteen – I went to a shrink. It took a lot of persuasion from the hospital staff and also a great deal of crying from my friend Mariah, and I felt that... I didn't want to let that bastard ruin my life. I just couldn't give him that victory.

So I tried. I tried, gave up, failed, tried again. I've been on and off on antidepressants the next following years, popping them like candy and been to the hospital immeasurable times. Eventually my shrink saw that I was not getting better. In fact, it was only getting worse. So she sent me here to London, where I was to join the PUSH-sessions. It... didn't quite work out. But I stayed here and... things started looking up. Eventually.''

A splinter of pride crept into his voice at this point, a pride that made Boris' skin crawl.

''It took me a lot of pain and a lot of failures. I no longer take antidepressants and I've managed to stay suicide free for years. Well, there was one slip this previous year because... of... other complications.''

Boris seemed to give him a look at this. Rei wasn't certain at first if he should talk about his time with Boris or not, but that special glint in the Russian's eyes seemed to say something. Not as much an okay as an urging, the order to get Rei to keep on talking.

''Through the PUSH-sessions I met Boris. I had met him years prior through Beyblade, and back then we were blood enemies. He hated my guts and I wasn't too happy about him either. But we started to grow accustomed to each other, and a series of unfortunate events that I – in hindsight actually am glad they occurred, because they made things what they later became – we turned into friends. Odd friends, yes, but friends.''

Rei sighed. He tried summoning the courage for a confession that was easier when it wasn't about someone in the audience. Courage he didn't really have.

''Eventually I... fell in love with him. And being the two screwed up people we are, being with Boris has brought its own fair share of heartache but also, I think it has helped me.''

He paused there, listening to the stone cold silence as the circle let their eyes dart between him and the Russian. A Russian who was for the moment, slightly stupefied.

''I'm... not going to tell you the story about Boris' alcoholism as it's own. That's a task for him alone if he ever chooses to share it. I'm here to tell you about what it's like to live with an alcoholic. What it's like to see them break and slowly wither away in front of you. I'm telling you about what it's like to see them struggle and fall and the absolute helplessness you feel while watching someone die.''

They were all looking at him now, knowing this regarded every last one of them. Waiting for the brutal truth to hit them where it hurt.

''You can't save an alcoholic. The only one who can get you back on track is _you_, and the only thing one can do as a bystander is make sure to stay there no matter what happens. That's all you can do. Offer words of encouragement when things are tough but also, you have to be tough to the addict as well. You can't let them get away with everything, but you can't do the hard parts for them. You can give them a place to stay and give them a glass of water when they throw up. You can tell them to fuck the hell off if they show up drunk and tell them the ugly truth. You can tell them you love them and you can listen whenever they need to speak, or if they need to shout and break things. Or just sit silently.''

Rei let a meaning look hit them all, one after another, putting extra emphasis on his next words.

''But you can't _save_ them. They have to quit drinking, they have to stay sober, they have to work on their psychological issues and they have to do the job.

And it's hard having to watch that. Knowing you can't do shit. There are times when all I wanted to do was snap my fingers and make Boris all better. There were times when I wanted him to drop dead because he was such a god damn idiot. I made the mistake of thinking I could make him better. I brought him to hospitals and AA meetings and forced him to improve. But you can't help someone until they want to help themselves.

God, I even gave Boris a piece of my liver and even that's useless unless he's intent on not ruining that one too.''

The Russian clenched his jaws, frowning as this information seemed a bit too close to home. For the first time, it was as if Rei's words got through as they were originally meant to. Perhaps because this time, Rei was speaking more to the audience than just Boris himself. And you're always more honest about someone when not telling it to their face.

''It's not until he decides to stop drinking, to keep up on his meds or go to the meetings and get sober that things can happen.''

Rei wanted to look at him, but refrained. Instead he clasped his hands and studied the floor. It seemed awfully intent on slipping from underneath him, after all.

''Something like that can destroy a person. It's not just the addict who suffers. It's the people around them too, and I've been driven almost half insane by this. Leaving one life of alcoholism behind just to gain a new one. And I can't do anything about it because I'm not the one with the addiction.

Close ones can just sit there, offer support and wait. Just wait. I can't affect anything, no matter how much I want to.''

Boris didn't want to hear this. He really didn't. Still, he couldn't back out now like a coward.

''Despite all that, I don't regret meeting him again. I don't regret having him in my life no matter how many times I've sat with him at the hospital, or how many times I've had to carry him to bed. I'm not innocent in this either. I've been the cause of just as many problems and I'm not trying to say alcoholics can only blame themselves.

I couldn't save my father, I can't save Boris, but I can save myself. I can stay by his side and help him when he needs it, and I've just started to accept that.''

He looked at them again.

''So. That's it. That's all I had to say. I know it seems impossible, sometimes even useless. It's going to break you down, but maybe that's what makes you able to rebuild something on the remains. This is going to be hard. I'm not going to lie.''

Some people had turned their eyes away. Already having heard this a million times before. Others were taking it to them in a way they hadn't been able to before. James was looking immensely self satisfied, for some reason, and Boris... well, Rei didn't dare look at him just yet.

''Sure, you have to do this by yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to do it on your own.''

And suddenly, he smiles.

''Remember that and... Don't give up.''

There is a moment of deathly silence, before the group erupts in modest, hesitant claps. James smiling kindly at him, clapping the loudest of them all and as Rei sits down with shaky legs he draws a breath of relief.

He doesn't dare to look at Boris because he doesn't know what to expect. This is going to lead to a lot of questions, or perhaps none at all. He's afraid, but at the same time he's relieved. The burden on his shoulders is still there, but for the moment it feels just a little lighter.

''So'' James says when the room is quiet once again. ''Any questions?''

**X**

They decide to walk home. It's darker outside but the city life is not any smaller because of that. On the contrary, the people outside seem to have doubled and it's easier to blend in now. Rei's too tired to worry about the reporters, but instead worries about the man beside him. Boris hasn't said anything for the entire night, and this leaves a slightly tense silence.

After he'd spoken to the group, the questions he'd expected were immediately fired at him. He answered almost habitually, all too used to them by now it didn't take any time of consideration from his side. Somewhere between that and the coffee break Rei had excused himself to get to the bathroom. Not because he felt the need to pee or anything, but to recollect himself.

He wasn't sure just where this insane and unsuspected panic came from. Maybe he'd taken a step further into his and Boris' trust that he hadn't even considered taking before. Perhaps he'd shared just a tad bit too much information. But then a morbid laugh left him, as one other thing came to mind. If he could tell his secrets to strangers but not to his ex-whatever, what did that say about their relationship?

No. Rei decided he had to take it like a man and, if he was ever going to rebuild the trust Boris had so clumsily broken, he guessed he might as well start here. He didn't expect them to build anything on top of the ruins. Yes, he missed the Russian too much for his own sanity, but he wasn't as stupid and naive as to think things could ever be the same again.

In the same manner, he wasn't going to expect anything but rather let things go as they wanted to. If they one day could go back to the way they were, great. Good. He'd love that, more than anything. But right now he was going to focus on their friendship, and the rest was up to time.

It was hard to build up something like trust, and too easy to break it down. But Boris was trying, just slightly. It wasn't blatantly obvious, but still noticeable for someone who knew him. And it was the little things about the Russian that had always amazed him. Because after all, it was the little things that mattered in the end.

And if Boris was trying, even if it was with baby steps, he might as well join in. The voice of reason would argue that Rei had already tried too god damn much, and that he wasn't expected to do anything else. He should just sit back and let Boris do the hard work this time. But the voice of reason always lost against emotions. And Rei's emotions told him to shut up and try to put the pieces back together.

Besides, maybe this was a way for him to get to know more about his friend? Boris didn't share much. Actually, he rarely shared anything. Not that Rei really believed he would start just because he'd heard Rei's life story, but it could always open the window of opportunities. Whatever outcome it would have, Rei relaxed in the evening cold.

Boris, who had stayed quiet kept his eyes directed at the asphalt, but surprised Rei with suddenly breaking the silence.

''Why did you stay with your father?''

Rei looked at him with mild shock, before his face softened.

''Why did you stay at the Abbey?''

The Russian looked at him now with eyes placid and emotionless, face blank as the grey sky above them.

''I had nowhere else to go.''

''Well'' Rei turned his head back to the road with a sad little smile. ''There you have it.''

Boris turned his head away as well and the next minutes fleeted by without any conversation. Without a word they mutually changed direction, as if to make the walk home a bit longer and to keep this tranquil moment of normality as long as they could. Boris wasn't quite sure of what to feel about all of this.

All he knew was that he'd found out a lot tonight, and instead of making him bored because it didn't regard him or pissed because he hadn't gotten to know it sooner, he just felt curious. And to let the other ask questions in turn without snapping harshly or threatening with violence, felt quite nice for a change. Freaky, but nice.

It wasn't likely to become a regularly occurring event, and it _certainly_ would never happen with someone else. But tonight it felt like they started to find their way back again. He just didn't care anymore if Rei knew too much or not. Because, really, pushing Rei away wasn't the way to go. He'd learned that the hard way and maybe, just maybe, he really wanted it to work out this time.

Because things just weren't the same with Rei gone. And yes, it was bitter to know one man had turned his life around by simply existing. Yes, it made him furious – not to mention surprised – that he actually wanted to do something that wasn't for himself. It made him feel disgusted and foreign in his own body. It made him feel insane and he really wanted to break something. He wanted to go back to the way things were before, with him being strong and alone and just minding his own business and without no one ever knowing anything personal about him.

And still, he didn't. Because it was _nice_ with Rei there. It was good and sure, it was a bit strange but he'd grown accustomed to that and to be fair, his life _sucked_ before. And maybe letting just one person in on your secret didn't make you weak. Maybe not being alone didn't mean you were inferior. Maybe it just meant you had someone to kill the time with.

He could still kick anyone's ass, no matter how much his life had changed the past two years.

''So'' Boris said suddenly while they were walking through some park he didn't know the name of. ''when was the last time you tried to off yourself?''

Rei had expected that question so he couldn't say he was surprised. But even so he wasn't too comfortable admitting the answer. Too embarrassed he kept his eyes on the ground.

''After your transplant, when I went to live with Kai''

''Huh''

Boris bit his lip, but otherwise showed no reaction. He wasn't sure what to do with this information. Whether if he should feel more like an idiot and bastard for being the cause of this – Rei didn't need to say anything, Boris could bet a million pounds that he was – or if he should simply not react at all since it wasn't all that surprising. Well, it was. In a way. But in a way, it wasn't. It was complicated. Rei had been a mess that year – still was, actually, just a smaller mess this time – and it didn't take much to rock his unstable reality out of balance. Still. Suicide? It was a bit too extreme, wasn't it?

Bitterly Boris felt the beast of anger coil within him, moving restlessly as it stirred awake. Anger directed at himself, at Rei, at Kai and Yuriy and the Abbey and the alcohol and the Kon's and James and the entire god damn world. Anger at life for going so terribly wrong.

''I really...'' he hesitated, still after all this time not sure what to say or even how to. ''fucked shit up, didn't I?''

Rei still wouldn't look at him. Instead, he noticed little flakes of white, dancing through the darkness and cutting it like knives. Seeing it fall on the ground, and eventually melting on his nose, Rei looked up only to see a gathering of white clouds pouring flakes over their heads. Tilting the corner of his mouth just the tiniest inch, he made Boris look up as well.

''Look'' Rei said. ''it's snowing''


	12. Hidden Passages

Hey guys, it's been a while. Is there anyone left out there?  
This took an awful lot of time. I feel a bit guilty that I haven't updated any other stories either. Uh. Well, this is short and not really very fruitful or eventful and honestly, it's pretty meager for taking me such a long time to cough up. Anyway, here it is. The new chapter.

Enjoy!  
Oh, and FF seems to hate me so if the text looks weird, I blame them.

* * *

**Chapter Twelve****  
Hidden Passages**

**X**

Yuriy liked being in this part of town. He wasn't a very sentimental person and it wouldn't be the first thing that came to mind when thinking about him, but every now and then the redhead would get a little homesick. He never really liked strangers and being in London was tough on even his nerves. It took all his finely perfected self-control not to jump someone at the closest corner and commit some sort of heinous crime.

But there was one street he enjoyed. As many others it was infected with tourists and people from all over the world seemed to crowd around this side of town. There were the Irish and the French, the Scandinavian, Scottish, American and certainly the Japanese. But this street, this was his favourite. It was long and narrow, filled with stores and restaurants and bars, colors of bright and prizes that all promised to be unbeatable. There was the smell of food and the warmth of people, the sound of glasses clattering and thin clouds of cigarette smoke swirling through the air.

This was where the Russians played.

He had been strolling around all morning just listening. People were conversing easily in their native tongue, and Yuriy felt really good hearing it again. Sure, it was really nice to be able to speak to Kai or Boris without worrying about any eaves-droppers. But that could get a bit isolated, never hearing anyone else but yourself speak. It was... well, boring.

People paid little to no attention to him. Mostly they were busy discussing normal things. Like food and money and sex. Some were talking about their sightseeing plans, others their shopping plans and he overheard one girl talking about her period. When he sat down at an outside table in front of a bar, even the waitress spoke Russian.

So he ordered a beer, flashed her a charming grin and checked out her legs as she walked back inside. It was a nice day and for once, Yuriy felt like he didn't have a care in the world. Rei was still trying to calm down his boss when he left the apartment, while Boris hadn't woken up yet and Kai had disappeared off somewhere to buy coffee. That was around two hours ago, and it felt nice to finally sit down.

Quiet as a mouse, the waitress returned placing the beer in front of him

''Спасибо**'' **Yuriy smiled again, a glint in his eye making her blush.

''Пожaлуйста!**''**

As she disappeared again, he thought he could hear her giggle. Shaking his head he took a sip of the beer, an instant feeling of contentment spreading through him as the liquid ran down his throat. He took another large gulp before leaning back in the chair. And there he sat. Saying nothing, doing nothing, thinking nothing. For a small moment, he just were.

Of course, as always the Universe found all of that very boring. For some unexplainable reason, it demanded every moment to be filled with excitement. And what excited the Universe the most, it seemed, was the eternal torment of Yuriy Ivanov. Either that or a strange choking fetish, as Yuriy choked on his next gulp.

People turned to glance weirdly at him as his rumbling cough surged forth, all while the redhead punched himself violently in the chest. His eyes were watering as the cold beer flew out of his lungs with every cough, spraying all over the table. For someone who was passing by it was easy to deduce that this was not, in fact, one of Yuriy's most gracious moments.

When he finally got the air back into his lungs, he used it all up to utter a startling roar.

''пизда!''

The people who hadn't thought he had some sort of mental issue prior to that, were now staring at him as if the insult had been directed at them personally. But it had not, instead the person Yuriy really wanted to offend half-glared, half-stared at him in what looked a little bit like surprise.

The man who Boris was with looked utterly perplexed when the two ex-Bladers began throwing Russian words at each other very loudly. He didn't appear to understand just what they were saying, but he seemed to suspect they were both awfully angry. Leaving his beer, Yuriy stormed off to their table in three irate steps. Standing by their table he crossed his arms and garnered all the malice he could into his eyes.

''You son of a bitch'' the Wolf growled, then turned to glare at the strange man. ''Who the fuck are you?''

The Brit looked terribly concerned for his life by now and was starting to look around nervously.

''Uhm... I... Err...''

''Yuriy'' Boris spoke through tightly clenched teeth. ''This is Claude''

Yuriy met his eyes again, his self-restraint growing weaker by the second. At the same time, the headache Boris had been fighting all day finally got the upper hand

''Oh, hell_o _Claude'' Yuriy hissed before turning back to Boris again. ''Who the hell is Claude?''

''I – ''

''Does Rei know this?''

Boris frowned.

''Why should he?''

The Wolf spluttered. All words abandoned him as he could not possibly fathom the nerve, the absolute idiocy of his friend and still retain his sanity somewhat intact. He wanted to break something, he really wanted to lose it completely and just attack someone. But he couldn't, he wouldn't and he didn't. Instead Yuriy took a deep, calming breath and shot Boris a new, darker glare.

''So do you have secret lunch dates with men everyday or just the ones when your boyfriend's caught up with his job?''

''He's not my boyfriend anymo – ''

''I can't fucking believe you!''

Boris drew a hand through his hair, looking as tired as he felt.

''What the hell are you doing here anyway?'' he snarled. ''Are you following me?''

''No! I've got better things to kill my time with. Like staring at a wall.''

''Yeah, well go do that then. I don't have time with you.''

Aqua eyes grew painfully wide. The Brit didn't know him, but even he could figure out that Yuriy was fighting a murderer inside of him. Fists clenched and body rigid, it took all he had to keep his voice levelled.

''Well, then, Kuznetsov. Let's see how much time Rei will have for you when I tell him you're seeing secret men on the side.''

The look on Boris face made Yuriy flash a smug smile.

**X**

Rei sank into the couch with a worn sigh. His body instantly gave up and slumped together into one giant puddle of meat, all while the breath left him. Rei was just so, so tired. Not only had it taken a lot to calm his superior down – the man had been livid, to put it lightly – and then he had to make up with the man about when he could come back to work. After that his phone had been bombarded with calls from various strangers and after one long hour of constant ringing, he almost couldn't recognize the silence when they finally gave up.

Grumbling, his stomach tried to tell him to feed it. But his muscles were about as likely to help him as a bag of wet balloons so instead he stayed put. Besides, it was kind of nice to have the place to himself again. Kai hadn't returned from his coffee hunt, Yuriy had wandered off to God knew where hours ago and Boris… well, Rei didn't really want to think about that.

Instead he just lay listening to the silence, reveling in the soft touch of the couch's cushions. No one to bother him about his life and ask him questions, no one to tell him to do one thing or say another. No one to yell and fuss and fight and no one to stare at him weirdly. Nothing in the world to disturb him. Just for this small little moment, Rei was alone and untroubled.

Five seconds later he flew straight up with fright when a tall, towering figure stood dark and brooding before him.

''Kai!'' Rei tried to still his heart before it shattered. ''When… when the hell did you get here? I didn't… I didn't hear you. Shit! What are you, a ninja?''

Kai just held out an envelope, looking at him quietly. Rei regarded the two in confusion.

''What's that?''

''Open it.''

A bit hesitantly he moved his hand, at first wary of the piece of folded paper. Then he told himself that Kai was probably not planning on hiding SARS in there, so there was really nothing to be scared of. Still, at the age Rei had hit, envelopes were never any good.  
Opening it up he found two small pieces of paper with a dove blue shade, thin and soft and completely making his jaw drop.

''Is this…? Are those...?''

Without waiting for him to finish his sentence, Kai nodded.

''Tickets to the semifinals in France.''

Rei continued to gawk unintelligently for a moment before he looked up to meet Kai's gaze.

''But… these must have cost a fortune!''

He pulled them out to try to find a prize stamp or something.

''No''

''100 fucking _euros_?!'' Rei's eyes widened to anatomically frightening size. ''Are you fucking insane?!''

''You're starting to sound like Boris.''

Kai seemed unfazed by such manners. Of course, Rei guessed that 100 euros was probably considered loose change for this man, but still. Rei's own brain which was greatly unaccustomed to numbers of such proportion, had a real hard time dealing with this.

''Kai, I – I – I can't possibly allow you to pay this much!''

''Can you afford a ticket on your own?''

''Well, no! I don't make that much money… I…''

''And do you want to go?''

''Well…'' Rei spluttered on, not really in a thinking condition yet. ''Yes. I do. I really, really do.''

Kai fixed him with a firm stare.

''So what's the problem then, Rei?''

Sounds of mangled words and lost context left the Chinese's mouth, but nothing consequential resulted from his actions. Kai rolled his eyes slightly, then crouched down in front of Rei, placing a heavy hand on his shoulder. A really, really big hand. Huh, Rei had never noticed that before.

''Rei. Calm down. It's just a hundred euros. I make that much before breakfast.''

_''Just _a hundred euros? What's your profession? Mayor of Brag?''

Rei was sort of expecting a slap or a hurtful remark for that but Kai just smirked at him and stood up.

''Think of it as a gift. A moving-gift.''

''Yeah, well, Kai. I don't know what insanely rich Russians do when someone's moved to a new place, but where I come from they usually just receive some flowers.''

Kai shrugged and moved towards the kitchen.

''Think of them as flowers then.''

''What kind of flowers cost 100 euros?!''

''Really good ones.''

Gaping, Rei begrudgingly admitted temporary defeat.

**X**

''You do not want to go there, Ivanov.''

Yuriy let out a short yet vastly haughty laugh.

''Why not, Kuznetsov? Because you don't want Rei to know you're a slut? Because you don't want him to lose interest? Or because you are at a place that serves alcohol?''

Boris' blood was boiling, Yuriy could almost see the little bubbles rising underneath his paper skin.

''This is not what it – ''

'' – looks like? I think it is, Boris. I think this is _exactly_ what it looks like'' he slammed his fist down on the table and leaned in just enough so he could hover over Boris like a bad omen. ''I think this is one idiot having a drink with another idiot. One of whom is alcoholic, and one of whom has the audacity to be named _Claude_.''

Boris bared his teeth and looked like he was just a moment away from using them.

''This is none of your business.''

''Yeah, that one only works if your name is Kai. Which, may I remind you, it is not.''

Boris mirrored his friend's previous action but doubled it, slamming both his fists down on the table, rattling the glasses on top of it.

''God damn it, Yuriy! Why do you have to be such a thickheaded dick?!''

Yuriy had to lean back at this in order to project as much spite as possible, but still remain placid in his posture.

''You're the one breaking your promise and you're calling _me_ a thickheaded dick?''

Claude didn't want to, but he felt like he needed to make an interjection.

''Excuse me, what promise?''

As both Russians snapped their heads in his direction the man instinctively backed in his chair.

''This idiot'' Yuriy nodded in a growling Boris' direction. ''had promised a man whom he owns his entire goddamn _life_ that he will not drink any alcohol lest he be thrown out of their apartment. _Shared_ apartment, I might add.''

The last sentence felt an awful lot like a nasty hint. It made the Brit all the more uncomfortable, but he believed that he had to clear some things up before it all ended in a bloodbath.

''Sir, really, Boris is being honest. This is not what you think it is.''

Yuriy cocked an arrogant eyebrow.

''Oh, isn't it?'' he spat, voice belittling and venomous.

''No'' the Brit shook his head meekly. ''First of all, Boris and I are drinking Coke. And that's not Coke as in cocaine mixed with water. It's Coke as in Coca-Cola.''

The Russian wasn't certain but he suspected there had just been an insult thrown his way. He didn't have time to avenge himself though, because Claude continued his explanation.

''Second of all, I'm not… I don't swing that way, if you know what I mean.''

''Really now?''

Claude nodded.

''Really''

''Then what way do you swing?''

Honest Eye Claude – as Yuriy was going to refer to him in the future – changed colour to a bright, fire-truck red.

''I, uh… I have a fiancée.''

''Well, that's great.''

''Her name is Sharon.''

Yuriy glared. Claude shrank. Boris kept shifting his eyes between them in what looked like an oncoming attack of spontaneous insanity.

''Good for you.''

Yuriy glanced at their drinks, discovering that they looked like normal glasses of soda. On the other hand, he had to sniff them first to be sure. Once he had received one strange look and a furious one, he had concluded that indeed Honest Eye Claude had been truthful. About one thing, at least.

''Then I have one more question. Two, actually.''

''Yes?''

''Why does Boris know you and what the hell are you doing here?''

''Uhm…'' Honest Eye Claude and Boris the Butthead shared a conspicuous glance. ''I'm not sure that's up to me to tell you, I'm afraid.''

''Well, that doesn't sound suspicious at all.''

''I'm sorry'' the Brit blushed apologetically. ''But you'll have to discuss this with Boris, I'm afraid.''

Yuriy muttered, but decided to ignore the man before he had a cranial explosion. Boris didn't look very cooperative, though. But the redhead was not going to give up. After all, it wasn't like he had anything better to do.

''No.'' was all the Falcon said.

''_No_?''

''No.''

''What do you mean 'no'?''

''I mean no! Нет! I'm not telling you jack shit!''

Yuriy had no other option than to cross his arms now. This seemed like it would turn out to be a long and very bothersome evening, but if he had to rip the truth out of Boris himself, then Yuriy would. Boris also knew this just by looking at his old friend. But that didn't mean he was going to give in without a fight.

**X**

''Dear diary, today my crazy Russian friend just spent 100 euros on me. Am considering calling the psych ward and ordering them to come get him.''

Kai glanced up from the newspaper to look strangely at him.

''Aren't diaries supposed to be personal? As in; your head?''

''Am also considering moving to Russia and working for friend, as said friend seems to withhold extraterrestrial sums of money.''

Kai arched a dubious eyebrow.

''I can't accept the ticket'' the Chinese said. ''You know that, right?''

''Why not?''

''Under no circumstances would it be alright to accept such an expensive gift! It's against my upbringing, it's against every rational sense and it's definitely against the friend code!''

Kai sighed and put the paper down, guessing he was not going to get to read it anyway.

''Rei, how many times do I have to tell you? It's alright. It's nothing, don't worry about it.''

Rei spent the next three minutes staring at him with wide eyes and an undecipherable expression on his face. There seemed to be a lot of shock and also a hint of disgust in there, though.

''How much money do you make, anyway?''

Kai just shrugged an it's-nothing-sort of shrug and tried to resume his reading. But even if Rei didn't interrupt him, the slamming of the hallway door certainly did.

Boris and Yuriy stood in the doorway, staring in the kind of silence one can see in children who have just been caught doing something really naughty. Rei and Kai stared back like the suspicious parents not really sure just what has occurred in the time they've been apart, but do not feel like they want to ask.

''Hello'' Yuriy broke the silence.

''Hi'' Rei answered hesitantly. ''Had a nice day?''

''Sure.'' Yuriy nodded slowly. ''It was alright.''

''I'm going to bed.'' Boris said, giving Yuriy a heated glare before walking away.

The three watched him leave, more questions rising. They didn't have the time to ask them, though, as Yuriy was quick to speak.

''Well. I guess I should go back to the hotel. Goodnight.''

Kai and Rei nodded, but said nothing as they watched the second Russian make his departure. Once the door had opened and closed and the vicinity was once again redhead-free, Rei looked questioningly at Kai. The Phoenix gave him a don't-ask-don't-bother kind of look back and picked up the paper for a third time, not really expecting any reading to get done this time either but still felt like stupidly clinging to hope.

They sat silent for a while during which Rei was looking immensely confused.

''Dear diary, today my other two Russian friends were involved in shady business. Am considering moving them to the loony bin as well. Is possible they are planning for world domination. May have to find a safety bunker and call the Queen.''

Behind the headlines Kai snorted.


	13. A Small World

I know it's supposed to be quality before quantity, but. Yeah. I'll get to the quality bit next chapter (for real this time) and stick to the quantity for now.

Thanks for reviews, they make my day.

* * *

**Chapter T****hirteen  
A Small World**

**X**

Rei was in a pretty good mood. The odd behaviour of the Russians had eventually escaped his mind and a month later, he thought nothing of it. It was never mentioned again but Boris still ran off every now and then. Kai had mentioned the fact that Boris always seemed to disappear in a regular pattern, but Rei figured that knowing was not going to help him much and instead pretended like nothing.

And even life appeared to feel like he deserved a break. After a lot of torturous waiting, the press finally grew tired of him. Homosexual sport stars and child abuse was only entertaining for so long, eventually the blurry pictures of Rei eating at McDonald's with dirty hair ceased to amuse people. But he guessed what really helped them direct the spotlight at someone else was the latest update on Victoria Beckham's breasts.

He tried to be on the safe side at first, but after a few days Rei felt like being dangerous. He had taken a walk through the neighbourhood and for the first time, no one had pointed at him when he passed by. Rei felt free and untroubled, and despite getting an eyelash caught in his eye and having to cry it out for ten minutes, life actually felt pretty good for once.

He wouldn't start working for another two weeks and the tournament was still three months away, but despite his newfound spare time Rei quickly fell into boredom. There was only so much ice cream and dry, British sitcoms one could watch before starting to climb the walls. It didn't help that Kai had decided to go back to Moscow for a while. Apparently there had been some major problem in the lower ranks, one which shouldn't take long to fix and Kai promised he'd be back before Rei knew it. Despite that Rei just got even more bored.

Yuriy also had decided to go, which for some reason made him a little miffed. It was strange, but despite their many quarrels and rudeness towards each other, it had started to feel like Yuriy genuinely tried to help. At the same time, it was also a relief to have them fly home again. Rei hadn't felt too good about taking up their time like that. It seemed unfair that they should have to deal with problems that weren't even theirs. Of course, one always helps out friends in need, but it felt like it was time for Rei to take care of himself for once.

He wasn't entirely sure how he would do that, but things were starting to feel better again. Sure, he wasn't as brave and stubborn as he used to be, but on the other hand he had started to learn not to run away as much. He was still very sensitive, but had managed to find that fighting spirit enough to stand his ground again. Fighting with Boris wasn't even scary anymore. After all they'd been through there was nothing new the Falcon could throw his way.

He hadn't heard from the Institute in a long, long while. But in a way, that felt great. All he wanted to do was to leave his past behind him, and even if he didn't feel like ignoring his father, his mother or Amanda Gray was the best way to go, it was the closest to coping he'd come in a long time. Maybe one day he'd learn how to deal with it better. Yes, there were times he would cry like a child over certain memories, and there were times when thinking about certain people would make him bitter.

But he understood much better now. He couldn't really do more than he had. Even if he still felt the everlasting guilt weigh him down like an anchor, he knew he had done all he could for his mother. The guilt would probably never end, but now he could carry it much better. And no, he would probably never forgive his father, but at least now he felt like he had moved on enough to stop hating him. Instead, Rei just didn't care anymore.

All the lost friends, all the strayed paths and mistakes still made his stomach churn coldly whenever he thought of them. The regret was there, the pain was there, it wouldn't go away completely but he had realized something now. Realized that there was nothing to do about any of that. Life was a bitch and then you just had to move on. Moping wasn't going to help him anyway.

Rei didn't even want to be like his old self anymore. Instead, he saw this as a chance to make something new of himself. To start a new beginning and become an even better person than before. A new Rei Kon with all the good qualities of his teenage self and the wisdom from his troubles but without its many flaws.

He wasn't so naive as to think he'd be completely flawless, but he thought that fretting about it and trying to be something he once was, was only a complete waste of time. The past had happened, and it was time to accept that and move on. It was time to start focusing on the time he had left and make what he could of what he had.

In a way, Rei was actually proud of himself. He had a job, he had a nice place to live, three good friends – albeit a bit insane – and nothing really major was wrong. His past was a hell, yes, but his present was quite alright. And even if his future was uncertain, at least it was still there.

He was still a nutjob and he would probably always be one. But at least he was trying, and that was more than most people had.

Then again, there was one little problem that never seemed to stop worrying him. A problem Rei didn't like thinking about but he knew deep down that his nature, however weakened, would never let him live it down. He had always been passionate and girly as it sounds; he had always been a dreamer. And dreamers never really died. No matter the hardships or the suffering, there would always be an old part of Rei that remained alive. And as much as he was thankful for that, it was also a cause for all of his current problems.

Boris Somethingovich Kuznetsov. The root of all his problems. He had never learnt Boris' patronymic name, or if he had any nicknames growing up. He'd never dared to ask as he felt that Boris' own past was a very volatile subject which should not be prodded if avoidable. Still, it was a bit strange not to know anything about a man that knew everything about him. Also, it felt even stranger not to know anything about a man whom he loved. The first one he ever really loved, if he was to be honest.

Then again, it didn't really matter who Boris used to be or what had happened. The really important things were who he was in the present and what was going to happen now. Rei knew that, but he still felt like he had been fooled. At the very least, it felt like he deserved to get at least a little trivia about his roommate. On the other hand, looking at what kind of person Boris had turned into, Rei wasn't all that sure he really wanted to know.

Rei used to fantasise about Boris' past sometimes when he was just a bit too bored. Like now, when the TV had stopped amusing him hours ago and the seconds went by so slowly he suspected they had stopped altogether. He used to dream up what Mr and Mrs Kuznetsov had looked like, or still looked like. He wasn't sure if they were dead or not. He imagined what their names would be, what their house was like and what flowers Mrs Kuznetsov planted in her garden.

What kind of food they ate at New Year's and if Boris' used to be a bully when he was a child. He wondered what happened for him to get sent to the Abbey. Wondered if his parents died or just abandoned him, or even if he was kidnapped. He wondered how the Russian bladers' first encounter had been and how often they played pranks on other kids there. He wondered what Boris was thinking when he was ordered to hurt Rei in that match. He wondered if Boris ever thought of their match at all.

Sometimes, though he would never admit this, Rei wondered what their children would look like. If Rei had been, you know, a woman. He wondered if they'd get his golden eyes, or Boris' silver. Would they have his slender features or Boris' rough ones? Gray haired, black haired? Or perhaps Boris would dye it Lavender?

That was really the question Rei had wondered about the most. What on earth Boris was thinking when he dyed his hair such a god awful colour. Then again, Yuriy's fashion taste had been an abomination. Not to mention Max's, or Rei's own. A Yin-Yang headband? Yeah, way to be stereotypical.

If they had a daughter, Rei hoped it would look more like him. He couldn't decide if she should be named Irina Weilin Borisovna Kuznetskov, or perhaps Weilin Irina Kon. If they had a son, personally he voted for naming him Lev. Not that they could have a child anyway. Even if there was a possibility that Rei would develop a functioning uterus over night, he wouldn't bet all his money on Boris winning the Father of the Year award.

Not the Boyfriend of the Year award either, he reminded himself bitterly.

Rei winced. He really, really didn't want to go down that road. Not today when he was finally feeling good. Instead he quickly picked up the remote to try to find something that could distract him, if even for just a few minutes. Quickly pressing the button, he jumped from channel to channel never really finding anything worth watching.

'' – _well let me ask you this; do __**you**__ want faeces in your vagina?_''

Until that, of course. Rei had to stare awkwardly at the screen for a while before he could understand what sort of show this was. To his amazement, it was not porn, but instead it seemed to be some sort of talk show. The camera was on the audience, showing several women in their mid-twenties nodding in agreement. When the camera swerved back to a close-up on the host, Rei almost choked on his breath.

''_Unless you have a poop fetish, I suggest all you girls start wiping the other way after peeing. Now that we've covered that, let's move on to our first guest of today._''

In a remarkably comfortable looking salmon-coloured armchair, Hilary sat. The same Hilary whom had been on Rei's very team. The bossy brunette who had scared half of them to death, and then nagged at them until someone distracted her with something shiny. The same woman whose cooking was known far and wide as a health hazard, who despite not being able to blade her way out of a paper bag with two openings, had been on a Beyblading team far longer than she'd been in a good mood.

There was something uncanny about seeing a person you hadn't spoken to in years on TV. In their own show, at that. Suddenly forgetting all about his Russian troubles, Rei raised the volume and fixed his eyes intently on the TV awaiting whatever the girl would throw his way.

''_Let's welcome a dear friend of mine, and also a beloved sports star; Tyson Granger!_''

The audience erupted into wild fangirl screaming, bordering on frightening, and claps that were enough to startle a deaf person. Tyson arrived on the scene looking confident and young and not really all that different. His face looked more mature and his hair was longer, also there seemed to be a weak attempt at a beard going on. Wearing that same old dingy cap, Tyson boisterously sat down on the just as comfortable looking couch.

''_Hello, Tyson!_'' Hilary said with a sly smile.

''_Yo, Hil! 'Sup girl?_''

''_Thank you for coming here, Tyson. I know you must be busy now with the semi-finals just a few months away and all._''

''_Are you kidding me? If I hadn't showed up you would have cooked my ass. __I mean butt. Uhm… Am I allowed to curse on air?_''

The young man looked around sheepishly while the audience giggled lovingly. Hilary waved his words away with the same smile still on her lips.

''_Tyson, I just spoke about poop and vaginas. I think you're going to fit in nicely._''

Tyson looked like he wasn't sure if that was a compliment or not, but he hadn't the time to dwell on it for much longer before Hilary spoke again.

''_So, Tyson. How is everything going? Are you nervous about the semi-finals?_''

''_Oh, not at all!_'' he flashed her a confident grin. ''_I've got this one in my pocket._''

''_Wow, you haven't changed a bit, have you?_''

''_Why change a winning concept?_''

The audience giggled again and Rei couldn't help but roll his eyes. He had to agree with Hilary on that one.

''_Anyway, it was a long time since I moved around in the Beyblading circuits. Are there going to be any familiar faces showing up? Any new ones people should be worried about?_''

''_Well, most of the old crew quit a while ago. People say that Beyblade is a sport for youths, but I mean… Most of us are in our twenties, and I say that's pretty young. As long as you keep the passion, there's really no use in quitting whether you're sixteen or sixty._''

Something ached inside of Rei when he heard that. The long lost dream of his childhood felt sudden and fresh again, and for a small moment he almost regretted quitting.

''_But_'' Tyson continued eagerly. ''_I understand some of them. You have a lot on your plate in life, and they say that you should quit when you're on top. Like my former teammate Kai, he has a whole huge-ass business to run. And Max had to take over his father's company, which seems to be making him happy… I guess having good memories of glory days to look back on is just as good. There are more things in life I suppose. But for me it's always been about the blading._''

Hilary seemed to look mildly irritated by now.

''_So… you're saying there aren't going to be any oldies in France?_''

Tyson laughed stupidly.

''_Oh! Yeah, I guess I didn't really answer the question._''

''_No_.'' Hilary said bitterly.

''_Well, Lee from the White Tigers is going to be competing, as well as some of the Majestics. I'm the only one from my old team though. But then again, that's all you need for a wicked game!_''

''_Where'd that monkey Daichi run off to, then?_''

Tyson shrugged.

''_I heard he married a Brazilian model and moved to Thailand._''

Hilary rolled her eyes.

''_Figures_'' Hilary and Rei said in unison.

''_Yeah. It'd be great to see all of the guys there, but like I said, I can understand if they've got other things going for them. I guess somewhat it is a lot of… ageism in the sport. Also it's very expensive. It's hard to find sponsors now that everyone's interested in all the newcomers. I'm lucky I've got enough money to pay for myself. But not everyone can do that._''

''_Yeah, I haven't spoken a lot to the guys since our glory days… I really kind of miss them, to be honest._''

Tyson smiled wickedly.

''_Oh, has someone grown soft?''_

''_No!_'' Hilary glared at him. ''_But you know, after going through so much with people you start to get used to them. And some of you became my friends. I understand that big shot stars don't have time for that, but still. Would it be such a bother to call?_''

Tyson shrugged.

''_Well, I guess. Max has a lot to do at the shop but he sends his regards._''

''_Oh!_'' Hilary turned to the camera and waved. ''_Hi Max!_''

''_Also, I don't speak too much to the inactive Bladers mostly because I don't know how to contact them. But the ones still in the business are another thing._''

''_Yeah. So how's everything else then? Got any girls going on?_''

''_Why, are you interested? Jealous, perhaps?_''

Hilary laughed out loud and sarcastically.

''_Hah! Not in a million years you big man-baby! No, it's just that the fans want to know and it's my job to supply them with information._''

''_Well, I'm not seeing anyone at the moment but I wouldn't mind if I met someone. How about you then, Hil? Still married to that dork?_''

Rei blinked. Hilary was married? Since when? He wondered if there was some number to call if one wanted to talk to her. Maybe that wouldn't be a good idea, on the other hand. The press was a sleeping bear it was best to leave unbothered. Preferably forever.

''_He's not a dork. He's a great man and yes. Actually, we're very happy here in New York. And also, we're planning to have a baby!_''

''_You? A mother?_'' Tyson snorted. ''_I hope your husband can cook or else the kid's gonna starve.''_

The audience made an oooh-sound while Hilary smacked Tyson in the back of his head.

''_Anyway.'' _She sat down and straightened her outfit. ''_We should have a re-union!_''

''_Yeah!_'' Tyson lit up like a lighthouse. ''_Get the gang together! We could have a party!_''

''_I could have them all on the show!_''

''_You just want to boost your ratings, don't you?_''

Hilary scoffed.

''_My ratings are fine, thank you. I just thought the fans might appreciate it._''

''_Well, I don't have everyone's number. Do you?_''

''_It's not that hard to track down, is it?_''

''_I dunno, man. Maybe some of them don't want to be found. I've been trying to get a hold of some of them for ages but I just end up with the wrong number._''

''_I heard Kenny had found some of the guys not too long ago._''

''_Really? How?_''

''_Some of them still had their old numbers._''

Tyson looked absolutely perplexed for a moment.

''_It was that easy? I've been chasing them for so long with their numbers just in my reach?_''

Hilary nodded.

''_Yup.''_

''_I'm fucking stupid._''

The woman tilted her head amiably and smiled at him like one smiles at a child.

''_Yes you are, hun_''

''_But…_'' he frowned. ''_Even if they've managed to keep the same number for years I certainly haven't. I break my cell phones every week. Crap, I don't have any old numbers saved!_''

''_Aww. Too bad. Let's have a commercial break so you can cry about it.''_

Tyson looked one minute away from retorting when a nice Coca-Cola jingle interrupted him. Rei watched in slight awe as his old friends faded out of view. Tyson had actually been trying to reach them? Maybe there was a slight chance at reuniting with them, after all. Rei had just thought they didn't bother, seeing how no one had tried to contact him. Okay, so maybe he hadn't contacted them in several years either but still. Now when he found out at least someone had, he wasn't entirely sure what to feel about it.

So Mariah had been a bastard, he really didn't want to talk to her. And Lee and the others he'd tried to reach had changed numbers and after all that time, he wasn't all that surprised. He was one of the few who still had the same number he'd had since he was fifteen. Which felt sad in a way.

But now there was a possibility to talk to them again. To sort out whatever it was that made them drift apart. Rei had never really wanted to lose contact with them. He had just wanted some time for himself, some space to think and it wasn't on purpose that he'd lost contact. He hadn't tried all that hard to regain it again but he thought that was understandable. A lot of things had been going on in his life and he just hadn't had the time or the heart to deal with anything other than himself.

Which felt quite selfish when he thought about it like that. Huh. Maybe he had been the biggest bastard of them all, in the end. But what now? If Tyson called him, what would he do? What would he say? Was a reunion really what he wanted? Was it what he needed? Rei just wanted to be left alone, but at the same time… he did miss them all. Very much. They had been his entire life once, and perhaps meeting up with them could cheer him up in this great mess?

Then again, maybe not. Maybe they'd just be personal and bitter and hate him for leaving them or ask him a lot of intrusive questions. Maybe the press would start hunting him again and maybe it would all turn out to be a really bad decision. Rei didn't know and as the commercial break ended he was starting to regret changing to this channel.

''_Welcome back, you're watching the Hilary Show!''_ Hilary waited for the applause to end. ''_With me I have Tyson Granger, unbeatable Beyblade champion. Several years in the business and still going on strong. Hi, Ty._''

''_Hey, Hil._''

''_So Tyson and I were just talking about a reunion special with our old Beyblade pals. Now I've received a lot of calls during the commercials, and ninety percent of the people calling in seem to think this is a good idea. During the break we also discussed how to contact our old pals, and I think this is a great idea!''_

''_Yeah. A really great idea._''

''_So, we're still accepting calls so if anyone has something to say about this or if there are any bladers who want to make this easy for us by inviting themselves, call the number shown on the screen._''

Rei stared at the blinking numbers. Long and hard and intently he stared, but his brain couldn't seem to come up with any logical way to respond. A little part of him was very tempted to call, but his common sense started screaming at him to stay put. So Rei did as it said and moved his eyes back to Hilary and Tyson again.

''_Oh! __Listen!_'' Hilary said as a peculiar little tone rang through the studio. ''_Someone's already on the line. Hi, who am I speaking to?''_

''_Yeah, uh, hi. My name is Raleeshia_, _I'm calling from Colorado_''

The audience clapped. Rei didn't know why but assumed a lot of them were from Colorado as well.

''_Hey, Raleeshia. What's on your mind?_''

''_Well, first of all I just want to say that your English is great! How did you learn it so well?_''

''_Well, since Tyson and I both come from a sport that is spread all over the world, it was natural that to overcome the language barriers we had to learn a decent amount of English. Otherwise, it'd be hard to communicate with the other teams. Also, my husband is American so that helps!_''

For some reason the audience laughed again. Rei was starting to wonder if they suffered from mental hysteria.

''_Wow. Was it hard? Who spoke the worst English?_''

''_Everyone was actually pretty good''_ Tyson said. ''_Even the White Tigers, and they had been raised in a strict place. I was assuming all they'd learned was Chinese but apparently not._''

''_Tyson!'' Hilary barked. __''You're being a bigot!''_

''_What? They lived in the freaking mountains!''_

''_Well thanks. Now the Tigers aren't going to want to come to the reunion.''_

Tyson looked away like a grumpy child, muttering something in embarrassment.

''_Okay, cool!_'' the caller said. ''_Thanks Hil! And by the way, your show is awesome!_''

''_Thank you Raleeshia! It's viewers like you who keep this show on the air! Now, who's our next lucky caller?''_

''_Hi y'all!'' _another caller, also female, shrieked.

''_Hi! Who might you be?''_

''_I'm Stefani, calling from New York!_''

To Rei's nonexistent surprise the audience went wild with applause and cheers again. Lying on the couch, he wondered if he really had nothing better to do than watch a woman's talk show in the middle of the day. Hopefully Boris wouldn't walk in on him. He'd never be able to live it down.

''_So, Stefani, what's your question?_''

''_Well, I was wondering if that hot husband of yours has any nice single friends?_''

Hilary frowned, smiling awkwardly.

''_Uhm… I don't know. I'm not a matchmaker._''

''_Well, that's too bad then.''_

''_But Tyson's single. You could try him.''_

Tyson immediately blushed under the merciless laughs of the audience.

''_Ah, no, I'm into more mature men. But don't get me wrong, Tyson's cute 'n all!''_

''_Hear that Ty? She thinks you're cute.''_

Tyson just glared at her uncomfortably while looking like he was trying to sink into the couch and away from sight.

''_Oh, well, thanks for a great show then, Hil! Keep it cool!_''

''_Yeah, I will._'' The strange signal rang again indicating another caller was on the line. _''Hello? Who's on the line?_''

''_Hi Hilary! I'm Grace from Boston. I'm calling because I have some question for Tyson mostly._''

''_Well, here he is. Fire away!_''

The camera turned to Tyson who looked a lot like a deer caught in the headlights.

''_Hi Tyson!_'' the caller sang.

''_Uhm. Hi.''_

''_So, I was wondering, all these rumors about Rei Kon and Boris Kuznetsov and all that stuff… are they true? I mean, since you knew them back in the days maybe you could shed some light on this?''_

By now Tyson looked the most uncomfortable Rei had ever seen him in the time they knew each other. Rei's own stomach was feeling sick, but there was something familiar about that look in Tyson's eyes. It was the same sort of fierce protectiveness he'd seen whenever someone was saying anything bad about his friends. It brought brief warmth to Rei which slightly stilled his nausea. But his heart refused to calm down as he waited for the whole thing to go out of control.

''_Depends on which rumors, I guess._''

''_Well, first I was wondering if those two are really together. I mean, didn't they have like the biggest match ever? Which sent Rei to the hospital? I mean, I thought they hated each other! And now they're supposedly together? I mean, sure about Rei I wasn't all that surprised, but I never thought Boris was gay!_''

Rei frowned.

''She wasn't surprised that I'm gay?''

''_Uh…_'' Tyson cleared his throat. ''_You know, I don't know more than you do. I haven't spoken to any of them in a long time, so if they're together or not I guess only they know. But even if they are, what's the big deal? I mean sure Boris messed Rei up real bad, but the Russians aren't really bad people. Sure they're a bit on the cranky side, but they've got their reasons. And Boris was pretty brainwashed at that time. After they got rid of that douchebag of a leader, they turned out to be really okay guys deep inside. And I trust Rei enough to know that if he would be together with Boris, he'd have a damn good reason for it._''

A small smile silently violated Rei's lips. That must have been the nicest thing anyone had said about him and his relationship since the whole mess began.

''_Second of all_'' Tyson continued. ''_You never know who's gay and who's not. I mean, that's not something that always shows. I mean come on, Emily from the All-Starz came out as a lesbo last year and half the fan base was shocked!''_

''_I wasn't'' _Hilary grunted. ''_She always gave off butchy vibes._''

''_Okay, yeah I guess_'' the caller said. ''_Then, what do you know about all that other stuff the media said? Like, how Rei grew up to child abuse and stuff? And Boris being alcoholic? Do you know anything about that?_''

''_You know_'' Tyson was almost starting to look angry by now. ''_I don't really think that's anyone's business. Certainly not the media's. They spread lies everywhere they go, and if you were to believe all of it then hell, Hilary would be a bulimic gold digger and I would be the biggest slut of all time. Also, apparently there are rumors that I snort cocaine. All of that is just complete bullshit, so you shouldn't take rumors all too seriously._''

''_Yeah, I guess. I just thought since you know them and all._''

''_I did know them. Truth is, I haven't spoken to any of them in years and I never had any good contact with Boris. I don't know him well enough to know his middle name, and I certainly don't think he'd ever tell me if he was indeed an alcoholic. And even if he were, that's none of our business. And as far as Rei's concerned, even if I did know anything about him I wouldn't be sharing it on a talk-show. That's personal and I don't see why it matters._''

''_Well, if I may just jump in here, Ty''_ Hilary said not really caring for the permission. ''_A lot of people have been wondering if a sport where there are alcoholics are sending a good message to our kids. Remember when Emily came out? There was a hell of an outrage, people thought their kids were going to grow up homosexual. Not that I really see what the big deal is, but whatever. Even when Johnny admitted to the press that he'd been abusing drugs people went crazy. Johnny's clean now, thank god. But people are __**still **__afraid that the Beyblading sport is just some big scam trying to brainwash children into debauchery._''

Tyson rolled his eyes.

''_Yeah, well, those people are morons. Beyblade is a sport, and what the players decide to do in their free time has nothing to do with that. The BBA isn't trying to brainwash anyone into doing anything and really, I think those people just need to chill out. I mean come on, just because Britney shaved her hair off it didn't mean all her fans did._''

''_Some of them did, but those people are morons in my opinion._''

''_Yeah''_ the caller said. ''_I totally get what you're saying. Well, thank you then Tyson for clearing things up!_''

''_No problem!_'' the champion smiled.

''_Alright, that's all for now._'' Hilary said and the camera zoomed in on her face. _''After the commercial we are going to test the best hair products. Stay tuned to find out what's best for you and your hair! See you after the break!_''

Rei watched the scene fade to a picture of a hamburger and reasons as to why the viewer should buy it. Almost as if in a trance, he laid motionless for a long while. His brain tried to melt all of this new information, but wasn't doing much progress.

Tyson had really stood up for him. Emily was a lesbian. Johnny was a former drug abuser. Hilary was married. American audiences thought everything was fantastic. There was a new hamburger at McDonald's with an extra slice of meat and cheese.

It was a great deal to take in under just one day.

''What are you looking so spaced out for?''

Rei snapped out of his musings when the voice spoke. Turning his head to the doorway he saw Boris looking at him like he was a mental patient.

''What are you looking at?'' Boris said and glance warily at the TV, making Rei jump to change the channel.

''Nothing! Nothing at all!''

Boris didn't look too convinced, but didn't feel the need to know.

''Okay. Whatever. I'm taking a shower.''

''Are you hungry?''

Boris shrugged.

''Meh. I could eat.''

''Where have you been, anyway? You smell like smoke and dirt.''

Boris looked at him over his shoulder. For a brief moment Rei almost thought he saw some panic there. But he waved it away, it was probably just nothing.

''You know this is London, right? Lots of dirt and smokers here''

''Alright. What do you want to eat?''

''Meh. Whatever you've got.''

With just another shrug Boris left the room to go hunt down a clean towel. Left in the living room Rei felt his own heart sink.

Something just wasn't right about this picture.


	14. The Fine Line

Ooooh, I'm on a roll.

For those who care, I saw a couple of cosplayers some weeks or so ago. One of them was a Boris. It made me all giddy inside.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen  
The Fine Line**

**X**

Well, so much for his good mood. Ever since he had watched the show Rei's thoughts had been reeling. He was once again afraid of his own telephone, jumping every time it seemed to ring. Only now it was all in his head, and Tyson never called. Rei wasn't entirely sure what to feel about that, but he certainly didn't like any of the possibilities. To add to that, his attempts to push Boris out of his head were starting to wane.

Every time Boris would leave the apartment – always at two o'clock on every second day, for the record – Rei would get all nervous and jittery. He'd spend hours just thinking about what the man could be up to, which mostly ended up with him walking around aimlessly in some park. He considered calling Kai for some expert advice, but didn't want to bother his friend as the Russian probably had a lot to deal with on his own.

Rei missed Kai. He even missed Yuriy a tiny bit. He missed having two cunning people who always knew what to do. He missed Yuriy being grumpy and tossing snide remarks over the newspaper and he missed having Kai come over with the best coffee in town. But, Rei had decided to start managing his own problems. In hindsight that didn't sound like one of his brightest ideas.

No. No Rei had to handle this himself. He couldn't rely on his friends for everything. It wasn't fair to him and it especially wasn't fair to them. No, Rei would just have to soldier on and hope that whatever Boris was doing all afternoon wasn't anything illegal or stupid.

Okay, so most probably it was stupid. But not too stupid, he hoped.

What if Boris was seeing someone? Like some young and supple woman with plump lips and a voluptuous body. Or a man. A large, muscular, dark and handsome man. Or a blonde. Maybe Boris had grown tired of Rei's dark hair and tan skin. Maybe because Rei had lost so much weight in the previous year, Boris thought he was ugly.

Rei immediately smacked himself. This was getting silly. He was starting to sound like an insecure fourteen-year-old. And why did he care anyway? They weren't a couple anymore. And neither should they be, because Boris was a lousy, stinking cheater. And he had anger issues. And commitment issues. Also, he was an emotional retard. And he never cleaned up after himself, despite the kitchen which was borderline OCD. Also, Boris had ugly morning hair. Really, really ugly morning hair.

In fact, Boris wad the biggest jerk Rei had ever met. But he was also the most loveable jerk he'd ever met. Boris was _his_ jerk. His jerk that always smelt nice even without using perfume. Who always had warm hands, really soft hands for some strange reason. Someone who despite their rugged past had overcome old grudges and taken care of him. Someone who, despite being a sadistic asshole, never laughed at him or pitied him or mocked him.

Someone who stood up for him, someone who had the most amazing eyes and the softest hair and the crudest sense of humor and an embrace worth dying for.

On the other hand, Boris was an idiot. A big idiot. The biggest idiot of all. He should've been crowned King Idiot of the Idiotic Idiocy. And besides that, Boris was an alcoholic. An alcoholic Rei had tried to help for far too long. Okay, so alcoholism was a serious and dangerous problem. He understood if it was hard to change one's ways. And Boris had agreed not to drink in order to live with him. He _was_ trying, and that in itself was a wonderful thing.

That someone who would never change himself for anyone, at least tried to meet him halfway.

But he was a stinking cheater. And what did Rei know about his afternoon adventures? Maybe Boris was drinking his brain into putty that very moment. Was it really wrong of Rei to doubt him? After everything, all the lies and the disappointment? After every time Boris had let him down, could he really be blamed?

Still he felt bad for doubting him. Boris _was_ trying. And Rei was really starting to trust him again. He didn't want to and he wasn't sure if it was smart of him, but at the same time he wanted everything to be the same again. He wanted them to get along again and he wanted to be able to kiss him and sleep next to him without wondering if it was too forward. He wanted to be able to call Boris his own and he wanted to be that close to him again.

God. Everything was so insane. It was the same tragic routine as last time. There he was, wondering whether or not he should or if he shouldn't. If it was right, safe or sane. Trying to make up excuses and to come up with reasons. Debating with and against himself at the same time. Rei was exhausted. He just wanted everything to sort itself out. But he knew that wasn't going to be the case. He knew he had to take this up with Boris himself.

He still loved Boris. He always had and he felt like he always would. Not that Rei could see the future, but whatever was going to happen he felt like in the present, it was the right thing to do. He wanted to be with Boris, it was really the only thing he was certain of. But should he be?

Now that was another question.

**X**

''I know you're busy and I really hate to be disturbing you like this – ''

''_So why are you?_''

'' – but I really need your help and if you care the slightest about my sanity – ''

''_Which I don't._

'' – then you've got to help me!''

''_With what?''_

''Is Boris seeing someone in secret?''

''_Please hang up._''

''I'm serious!''

''_And I'm not?_''

''Yuriy, I'm going mad!''

''_Correction; you __**are**__ already mad. __**I'm**__ going mad._''

''You know, I'm starting to regret ever thinking you weren't a complete asshole.''

''_Yes, that's right. I'm a big asshole. Now hang up so I don't cause you any more emotional harm._''

Rei made a strangled sound.

''_Fine_'' Yuriy sighed. ''_What's he done now?_''

''He disappears ever other day or so at precisely two o'clock and then I don't see him until later in the evening, reeking of smoke and god knows what else!''

''_So? You think he's seeing someone else because of __**that**__?''_

''Yes! Or… I don't know! That's why I called you, so you could tell me!''

Half a world away Yuriy was muttering words under his breath which would make a rock star feel uncomfortable.

''_Kon, you're a god damn idiot. You know this, right?_'' Rei opened his mouth to protest but got interrupted. ''_Besides, why do you care? You're not a couple anymore. You dumped his sorry ass._''

''Yeah, he cheated on me.''

''_So he's a bastard. You shouldn't date bastards._''

Rei frowned. Not that Yuriy could see it. To be extra sure the Russian knew just how miserable and unsatisfied he was with this answer, he whined.

''But Yuriy! I… I – ''

''_If you say what I think you're about to say I am definitely hanging up. I'm not a damn relationship counselor, you know.''_

''No. I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you, I'm just…'' Rei sighed in defeat. ''I'm losing my head over here.''

He wasn't sure but he thought he heard Yuriy shake his head.

''_Rei, it's not what you think. Okay? Don't jump to conclusions.''_

Rei glanced suspiciously at the phone.

''What is there you know that I don't?''

''_Nothing. And besides, if you're so jealous about him why don't you two just get back together?_''

''Because he is a cheating bastard.''

''_Oh, come on Rei. You're not really mad about that anymore. Everyone __**knows**__ you two are going to get back together again. It's just a matter of when you get your heads out of your asses.''_

Rei stood in perplexed silence for a while, blinking his eyes.

''Everyone?''

''_Yes, Rei, everyone. Even if you two are the most stupid people on earth, you're going to be a thing again. I'm certain of it._''

''How can you be certain?''

''_I'm not blind, deaf or stupid, Kon. I know, Kai know. Hell, even the mailman knows. Boris' been trying to clean up his act for you, and I know you're too stupid to ever really turn him away.''_

''I'm feeling insulted.''

''_You're welcome._''

Rei pouted.

''I still think he's seeing someone. And since you're not telling me what you know that must mean something weird is going on.''

''_Kon, I'm warning you. Don't go there with him. Not now.''_

''Just what the hell is going on?!''

''_Trust me on this, Rei._''

Rei was momentarily stupefied by the sentence, and before he had the time to come up with something witty and convincing Yuriy was escaping the conversation.

''_I have things to do now, so don't do anything stupid and don't get yourself killed._''

''But – ''

''_Goodbye, Kon_''

Then there was a click followed by silence, leaving Rei in the wake of his own mental war and an empty kitchen.

**X**

Boris had a bad feeling climbing up the stairs. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but he knew it wasn't going to be good. Against his better judgment he slowly opened the hallway door and stepped into the little apartment, for a moment just waiting for the roof to collapse on him.

Since it didn't, he warily moved on to another room trying to see if the impending danger was there. Finding the kitchen devoid of anything harmful, he proceeded to search through the bathroom but finding it just as tranquil. With growing suspicion and apprehension in his eyes and posture, Boris moved over to the bedroom.

He hesitated for a while before knocking, quickly recoiling his hand just in case the door was about to burst into flames. When it didn't, and no one yelled at him to stay away, he clenched his jaws and walked inside.

He noticed Rei lying on the bed, the pillow over his head and his body tangled restlessly in the sheets. His breathing was too uneven for him to be sleeping, but Boris decided not to say anything and instead just sat down by the foot end.

He sat listening to the shallow breathing for a while, neither moving nor thinking. Instead he just waited for the other to react, but Rei seemed very intent on pretending like he wasn't awake. Eventually Boris grew tired and pinched the exposed calf closest to him.

Rei jumped up with a loud yelp, rubbing his tender leg carefully.

''Boris! What the hell!''

Boris arched a brow.

''Now why are you hiding in here?''

''I was sleeping until you arrived.''

Boris scoffed.

''Yeah, right.''

Rei's face soured as he positioned himself in a more comfortable pose, making sure to hide all of his body under the blankets lest it be abused. Boris looked at him for a while without saying anything, until Rei gave him a glare.

''What?'' Rei muttered in hostility.

''What's up, kitten? Ran out of milk to sip?''

''You're a douche.''

Rei pulled the covers over him and disappeared somewhere in the bed. Boris looked sincerely confused at that. He leaned over the little lump of man and snatched the covers away from him, revealing the disheveled hair and the disgruntled face.

''Seriously Rei. Are you having your period or what?''

Since Rei didn't respond, Boris resorted to poking him. When that didn't work, he started shaking the man a little more violently by every second that went by.

''Rei?'' Shake. ''Rei?'' Shake. ''Rei?''

Shake.

''What?!''

''Why are you being such a girl?''

''I don't know, I thought you might want one!''¨

Boris wasn't quite sure what to answer to that.

''What?''

''Yeah, well I don't know whoever you've been seeing the past two weeks but whoever it is I hope they're pretty enough for your refined taste!''

Boris was seriously confused now. As Rei sprang up from the bed and stormed out of there, it took all the remaining brain activity he had to go after him. He soon found him in the kitchen, angrily scrubbing the counters clean. Since he was using Grease-B-Gone Super Formula Boris guessed that Rei was pretty distraught.

''Rei. Talk to me.''

Rei refused to look at him or even acknowledge his presence in the slightest. Rei knew he was being silly and stupid and also very girly, he knew that normally he wouldn't be acting like this if he could just calm himself down. But he didn't want to calm himself down. He had been watching the Hilary Show all week and he was feeling filled with womanly rage. Boris felt a bit flabbergasted at Rei's uncharacteristic behavior.

It almost sounded like Rei was hissing at him.

''Rei, come on.''

Boris was getting more and more frustrated. Feeling his patience run out of him he had to clench his fists in order to keep himself from lashing out.

''Fine! Be a bitch!''

Boris stormed out of the room with loud and angry steps while Rei only scrubbed harder. After a small moment he threw the washcloth violently into the sink, hiding his face in his hands as he groaned. He was just acting stupid and childishly. There was no need act like that towards Boris. He hadn't really done anything. Wouldn't it be better to just talk to him like a rational adult?

Sighing, Rei quickly followed the other man.

''Boris, I'm sorry, I just – ''

''No, fuck you Rei!''

Rei was dumbstruck by the sudden outburst, recoiling slightly in surprise.

''Calm down, Boris, I just wanted to apologize – ''

''I don't give a shit! I've done nothing for you to act like such a bitch! Just fuck off before I get angry!''

Rei wanted to comment on how Boris was already angry but decided against it for his own safety. Silently and much carefully, he walked up to Boris' turned back and attempted to sneak his arms around him. But Boris brusquely pushed him away and turned to glower at him.

''What's your god damn problem?!'' he shouted, voice sounding just a moment away from exploding.

''Hey, I said I was sorry! You don't have to get mad!''

''What the fuck did you expect? I come home, having done nothing and you dump all your shit on me!''

''Yeah, you also drop a reeking smell of smoke and bullshit!''

Boris' eyes widened, but Rei didn't really care. All rational thoughts had left him to make room for the rampaging anger. All the suppressed emotions that had been building up for the last couple of weeks. All the worry and the insecurity and the frustration just waiting to be let out.

''What?!''

''Oh, don't think I don't know what's going on!''

''What?! _What_ is going on?!''

''You've been seeing someone, haven't you?''

''Are you fucking kidding me?''

Boris drew a hand down his face, looking tired and furious. Rei was also tired. So very, very tired and he didn't have the energy to hide it anymore.

''Disappearing all the time, at the exact same hour? And the way you smell… Have you been drinking all this time?''

''What the fuck kind of person do you take me for? I said I wouldn't, didn't I?''

''Don't try to act like you're honest!''

''What the hell do you mean by that?''

''I mean you're a cheating bastard!''

Boris bit his teeth down hard. A chaos of emotions storming in his eyes.

''_What_?''

''You've done it before, might as well be doing it again!''

Rei was sounding on the verge of hysteria, while Boris' was just sounding like he was about to snap his neck.

''How could I possibly be cheating on you when we're not even together? Are you delusional? I could fuck whoever I wanted and you wouldn't have a fucking say in it!''

''So I noticed last time!''

''We're not a couple, Rei! What is it that you can't grasp with that sentence? _You_ broke up with me.''

''Yeah, and why's that, Boris? Hm?''

Boris growled as he ran his hands through his hair, tugging at it in frustration. When he looked at Rei there was nothing warm in his eyes. Rei knew that somewhere along the road he'd crossed the line. The sinking feeling in his gut told him that. Even so, it was too late to take his words back now.

''How many times are we going to go through this? It happened, okay? Get over it!''

''How can I possibly get over that?! You betrayed me! You just threw my trust in the trash like it was nothing!''

''What do you want me to say, Rei? Huh? That it was a mistake? That I was drunk? That I'm sorry?''

''I want you to tell me _why_. Why did you hate me so god damn much that you had to go and do that?!''

Without warning Boris slammed his fist into the wall, making a very expensive vase fall down from the bookcase. As the glass shards spread all over the floor, Rei couldn't help but think how poetical it was. Just like the vase, the atmosphere in the room, Boris' patience, Rei's own heart, felt like one word away from shattering.

''I did it, okay?'' Boris' breathing was heavy and labored. ''I did it. I fucked another person when I was with you, and I regret it. I regret it so god damn much but I can't change it and I can't make any excuses. All I can say is that I was shit drunk out of my mind and I just wanted something to let out all my frustrations on.''

Rei didn't say anything as the silence that came was too heavy for him to move.

''But one thing…'' Boris said. ''One thing you should know is that I… while it was… happening, I knew something was wrong. Something was off and strange and I couldn't figure out what but now I know that the thing missing was that she wasn't you.''

Rei could feel the intrusive touch of tears pushing behind his eyelids.

''She wasn't you and that… I wanted her to be you. But she wasn't. And it was stupid and I would take it back if I could but I can't. Okay? So just… fucking lay off me. I _know_ it was a shitty thing to do. I _know_, Rei.''

The next passing minute the two of them just breathed. Rei was fighting the lump in his throat which only grew bigger, and eventually he couldn't stop the tears from flowing. As he turned his back to Boris he could hear the man sigh. It was a worn and tired sigh, a sigh that made his entire body hurt.

Without another word, Boris stormed out of the room and only seconds later, Rei heard the door slam.


	15. Learn To Crawl

**Chapter Fifteen  
Learn To Crawl**

**X**

Boris didn't care anymore. He just couldn't summon the energy to give a damn about anything. He didn't know why Rei had enraged him so much. After all Rei had only stated the truth. Boris was a cheating bastard. But that didn't mean he wanted to get it thrown in his face like that. Shit. What had he even done to provoke him? Maybe Boris hadn't been all that subtle with his meetings with Claude, but still. Why did Rei care so much about what he did during the days anyway?

Rei hated him. He had to. After all, Boris had betrayed him and treated him like shit from day one. All Rei ever really wanted to do was help. But maybe Boris didn't want his damn help, maybe he didn't _need_ any help. Boris was a grown man, he could take care of himself. Rei was just insulting him, thinking he was some sort of idiot who couldn't tell his left from his right.

Then again, if he could take care of himself, he wouldn't be in the AA would he? He wouldn't have someone else's liver in his body and he would definitely not be living with someone else because he got evicted. Fuck. Boris was such a failure it was a wonder he was still alive. Why hadn't anyone just killed his sorry, pathetic ass already?

He wasn't the same man anymore. He never laughed at Rei or used his weak spots against him. He never wanted to hurt him or see him suffer. In fact, he _protected_ Rei. Tried to make him _happy_, for god's sake. Boris had completely lost himself. Strangely enough, he was still the same callous, violent, sadistic bastard towards everyone else. It was just Rei that was different. And why? What the hell did Rei have that the others lacked? What was so god awful special about him that he deserved special treatment?

Had Boris just grown soft? Had he lost his way? People didn't even trust him to handle one measly little drink anymore. It was like he was a mentally challenged child and everyone around him were his caretakers. Boris felt trapped but most of all he felt humiliated.

Damn it. If he wanted a drink, he could have one. He could see to it so that it didn't get out of hand. He was a grown man, he could manage himself. No one got to tell him what he could and couldn't handle, neither what he shouldn't handle. He had enough of that in the Abbey, and that place was a distant memory now. No one was ruling his life, telling him what to do, playing him like a puppet.

Boris Kuznetsov was a free man and he could do whatever he wanted. And even if what he wanted to do was a stupid idea, it was still his idea and he was strong enough to deal with it.

For better or for worse, it was his problem.

**X**

Rei didn't know how long he sat crying on the couch. It must have been a while though, as his neck was stiff and his eyes hurt. He didn't even know why it hurt so much, all he knew was that it felt like his body tried to flush his heart out of itself like an aborted fetus.

And he felt so horribly stupid. There had been no need to attack Boris like that. The man hadn't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment. Rei had no right to say anything. What Boris did was up to him. They weren't together, Rei couldn't tell him to do anything. He couldn't get angry at him for anything, either. Rei should just have shut up and minded his own stupid business.

But now the damage was done, and Rei was worried. Always when Boris stormed off like that, something bad was sure to follow. He wasn't quite certain of what or even when, but that gnawing feeling in his stomach made him want to puke. Whatever happened that night, it would be his fault for being so reckless and stupid and whiny and sensitive. If he could just have pulled himself together, like he used to do, all of this could have been avoided.

His breath hitching, Rei was quick to find his phone and with trembling fingers dial Boris' number. It wasn't until the voice on the phone told him the number was out of service that he remembered Boris had broken his phone weeks ago. Crying even harder, Rei went to find his shoes.

**X**

He felt like he might have lost control somewhere between the fifth beer and the fourth shot of vodka. Suddenly all of this seemed like a very bad idea, and as he felt that third glass of Jägermeister doing somersaults in his stomach, it was starting to look like the worst idea he'd had in months.

But what was done was done and he did feel a tad bit better. Or, well, that completely depended on the moment.

One minute he'd be alright, laughing at whatever stupid thing they were saying on TV, and the next all the feelings he'd been trying to drown in copious amounts of alcohol fell on him like an anvil.

''Hey, mate. I could look up synonyms for the word 'drunk' and all I'd find would be a picture of you. You want me to ring you up a taxi?''

Boris squinted at him through the thick cigarette smoke emanating from various dark places in the dimly lit bar. All he could see was a blurry mess of colors and what he assumed to be facial features.

''Wha'?''

The bartender leaned over the counter to give him a stern look.

''You're drunk, pal. I'm not serving you anything more and I reckon you should go home.''

''I don't have a home'' Boris slurred.

''Come on now, everyone has a home.''

''No'' Boris shook his head. ''Bitch threw me out.''

''Oh?''

''Or well… no… Bitch wus bein' bitchy so I stormed out. Whatev... Same thing inne' end really.''

The bartender just gave him a mirthless smile before shoving him off the chair.

''Go along now, sir. You've had enough to kill a race horse.''

Boris mumbled something incoherent.

''Well, screw ye then. I'ma go to th' store 'n… buy me some… some beer or sumthin'''

''Sure you don't want me to get you a taxi?''

Since Boris had now begun speaking solely in Russian, the bartender turned to tend to the other guests instead. Ignored, the Slavic stumbled out of the bar. Well out on the cold streets, the air was feeling raw and humid and shivers quickly traveled down his spine. Boris shuddered in the night and figured he had better start walking if he didn't want to freeze to death.

It didn't take him long to find a convenience store, and half an hour later he was drinking his sixth light beer. It wasn't much but at least it was something. Too bad the liquor stores weren't open, because he was in a real mood for something stronger. It didn't really matter what sort of alcohol it was. It rarely ever did anymore. Inside of him was just an unquenchable thirst driving him mad, like clawing rats behind his skull bone.

Boris muttered to himself in his native tongue, throwing the bottle away into the darkness. A second later he heard the shattering of glass, which made a brief memory of the vase he broke wash over him. Boris put his face in his hands. The sidewalk was too cold. It would've been nice to be able to crawl into a warm bed. A warm and soft bed. It'd been even nicer if Rei would've crawled down with him, but after tonight Boris guessed that had all been shot to hell.

''Grrreeeat job, Boris'' he said to himself in mockery. ''Ye're a real prick. This wus all very stupid, y'know that?''

''Yes, it was.''

His head snapped so fast it made something in it hurt. Boris looked up only to find Rei gazing timidly at him, almost frightened.

''Hey! Reeei! Whatchu' doin' here?''

''Looking for you. It's cold and it's late.''

Boris nodded.

''Mmmmm. Prolly would be smart t' find sumplace t' sleep… I guess I'm not allowed 'n the apurtmen' anymore.''

Rei let out a sad sigh and sat down next to the Russian. Looking at him, there was a dark shadow over his face. Boris didn't really want to see him when he was looking like that. For some reason it made him feel like a prick.

''You've got a problem, Boris''

''I know''

''No, I don't think you do know. And that's why we're sitting on a sidewalk in the middle of the night with broken beer bottles scattered around us.''

Boris bit his lip but couldn't keep the resentment out of his voice.

''Fuck it, Rei. I know! I know I… shit…''

He hid his face in his hands again, drawing a long, long breath.

''I know, Rei'' he muttered. ''I think I need help.''

Rei cringed at his words. It was the last thing he ever thought he'd hear Boris say. A man with so much pride it was inhuman, he thought Boris would stubbornly fight to his grave. On the other hand, he was drunk and all sorts of weird things used to drip out of his mouth on those occasions.

''Do you mean that? Because if you're just saying it to make me get off your back – ''

''No!'' Boris turned to look at him with the most sincerity he could muster. ''No. I mean it. Damn it Rei, lookit me. 'M pathetic.''

''No, you're not''

''Yes I am! Shit! I used t' be the great Boris Kuznisof! I used to… strike fear in everyone and stuff!''

Rei sighed but said nothing. Neither did Boris and instead the sound of traffic and a busy city got to fill the silence. After a moment Rei donned a grim face, tilting his head as he tried to find the best words to say.

''I'll make you a deal''

Boris turned to look skeptically at him.

''What?''

''If you go to rehab, you can come back home.''

Boris frowned.

''Really?''

Rei nodded.

''Yeah.''

He was quiet for a little while before he nodded as well.

''M'kay. I'll do it. For you.''

Rei sighed and shook his head, suddenly feeling very exasperated.

''But I don't want you to do it because of me! I want you to do it for yourself. There's no point in going to rehab if you don't _want_ to. Because the only way anyone is ever going to be able to help you is if you help yourself.''

Boris turned his head to look at the dirty ground, fiddling his feet in the mud.

''Don't go to rehab just to have somewhere to go'' Rei said. ''Because you can always check into a hotel or ask Yuriy and Kai for help.''

''I dunn' have any money. 'N Kai's a bastard.''

Rei turned his head so they had eye contact again, boring his gaze into him.

''Boris. There is always somewhere to go. But rehab is not going to help you if you don't want it to help you.''

The Russian's mouth grew taut as the numerous emotions he couldn't understand rampaged in his head.

''I want to go.''

Rei looked skeptical, but hopeful.

''Do you mean that?''

''Yes''

''Because if you don't, there's no point in it. This is your decision.''

''I want to!'' the Russian was almost starting to sound whiny now. ''Damn it, Rei. I'm a mess. I just… I just wan' things t' be fucking normal fer once. I can't… I…'' Boris sighed. ''I wanna go, alright?''

''Yeah, okay, Boris. Okay.'' He crawled a little closer and put his arm around the larger man's shoulders, shaking him gently. ''It's alright. We'll work it out.''

They fell into silence again as there was really nothing left to say. Despite the cold winds sweeping by they didn't think about getting up from the cold sidewalk, nor did they think about anything in particular. Rei wasn't sure if Boris was honest or not and Boris wasn't sure of anything. Perhaps it was just better to see where things went and make the best of that.

''Rei'' Boris said after a while, looking thoughtful as he pursed his lips. ''I wus'nt seein' anyone… or, well, I wus… but not inne' way ye think.''

''It doesn't matter, Boris. Just forget about it, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I really had no reason to.''

''But 's important! You need t' know!''

Rei regarded him for a moment.

''Okay, so tell me then''

''I wus meetin' this guy. His name's Claude.''

Rei frowned.

''_Claude_?''

''I know, right?'' Boris laughed, a short and almost boyish sound. ''Stupid name, 'ennit?''

Rei smiled.

''A little.''

''Anyway… dis Claude's no date or annethin'. He's uhhm…'' Boris looked up at the sky as if the words he was looking for would be there. ''Well, first o' all he's encaged.''

''I think you mean 'engaged'''

'''S what I said. Anywho… he's my… uhm…'' he glanced warily at Rei for a brief second. ''He's my sponsor.''

Rei's eyebrows inched further up his forehead, honest surprise in his eyes. As he took the words in there was a small amount of pride spreading through him.

''Like from the AA?''

Boris nodded unsteadily.

''Mmm. I got 'im when we were there. You were inne' bathroom I think.''

''So why didn't you call him tonight then? Seems like this is his area.''

Boris snorted.

''I did call him.''

''And?''

''I went to a booth-thingy an' I told 'im… I told 'im he wus a stupid asshat and that it wus his fault that you were mad at me. Then I told 'im t' go stick it where his wife used t' stick it. And then I ripped the phone out.''

Rei had to stare at him dumbly for a while before he could manage an answer.

''Uh huh… I see.''

''Yup.''

''So why didn't you want me to know this before?''

Boris shrugged, trying to look like he had no idea when it was quite obvious he did.

''Meh. 'S embarrassing''

Rei sighed and slapped him loosely in the head.

''You're an idiot.''

''I know.''

Smiling again, Rei pulled him closer and planted a gentle kiss in his hair. It was still as soft as he remembered it, tickling his lips.

''Come on now, soldier. Let's get you to bed.''

Boris didn't protest as Rei stood up and dragged him to his feet. Hanging over the Chinese like a big sack of potatoes, the gray haired man yawned.

''We've gotta stop meetin' like this.''

Rei couldn't help but laugh at that. For once a laugh filled with joy.

''Yeah'' he smiled. ''We really do.''

**X**

''Are you sure about this?''

Rei watched the muscles stretch and work as Boris was throwing his clothes onto the bed. In the middle of the mess of jeans and t-shirts laid a bag, filled so far only with a toothbrush. Boris held up a shirt and regarded it with stark scrutiny, before he threw it on the pile with a shrug of his shoulders.

''Yes. Or, well, no. Kind of. I don't know.''

Rei was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and mind troubled. He hadn't dared hope that Boris would remember his words the morning after, but as soon as he had downed three cups of coffee he had gotten to work and already found a rehabilitation center, just in the outskirts of town. As relieved that Rei was that Boris was finally doing something, he wasn't sure he wanted him to follow through with his decision.

''You shouldn't go if you're not sure.''

''How am I supposed to be sure? It's a damn rehab. I don't _want_ to be locked up with a bunch of weirdos and shrinks, but…''

''But?''

''But it's the only way. I've tried the AA, I've tried medication, I've tried helping myself and it just… I have to do this.''

Rei sighed sadly and turned his gaze to the floor.

''Yeah, I know but…''

Boris turned to look at him with an arched brow.

''But?''

''I'm just scared, is all.''

Boris snorted and began folding his pants. And folding for Boris was grabbing the closest piece of garment and shoving it so far down the bag as physically possible. If something didn't fit, he'd _make_ it fit.

''Admit it, kitty'' he smirked at the other. ''You're going to miss me''

Rei scoffed.

''Get over yourself. It'll be nice with a little peace and quiet around here for once.''

But the Chinese was smiling, and soon walked over to the other, tentatively taking his hand. Boris turned to look at him questioningly, while Rei turned his hand in his own.

''I will miss you, rest assure. But I'm glad you finally started dealing with this.''

Boris didn't know what to answer so he didn't. Instead he just watched Rei fiddle with his hand, touching it as if trying to remember every little crack and line in the skin. Eventually Boris nudged him in the shoulder, holding up a shirt before him.

''If you're going to stand here all day at least be helpful.''

Rei looked at him, then at the shirt, then back at him again. Sighing, he took the piece of clothing and began folding it.

''Whatever would you do without me?''

''Lie puking in a street somewhere, I guess.''

Frowning, Rei decided not to answer. He didn't want to depress himself any further. Just the fact that Boris was leaving was difficult enough. It didn't really help that he still couldn't figure out where the two of them stood, or what was going to happen next. If Boris would succeed or just drink himself to death. The future was too uncertain and it made him feel strange and also slightly nauseous.

''What sort of rehabilitation facility is it?''

''Some psychological kind. That religious shit just isn't working for me.''

Rei snorted.

''I bet.''

Boris squeezed another shirt into the bag, making Rei stop mid-motion to violently grab his arm.

''Woah, woah, woah! Hold on there, buddy!''

Boris frowned.

''What?''

''You can't just shove it in there! It'll get wrinkled!''

Boris just gave him a bored look. Shaking his head the Russian moved towards the door.

''Fine, you do it then. I'll go get my razor.''

When Boris had left the room Rei stood still in the silence, clutching the shirts he'd salvaged from the dark pits of the bag close to his body. Gently, he smelled the fabric, drawing in the other's scent for one last time before he left. Something heavy lay where his heart should be, a pressing sensation over his head.

He hoped that whatever happened this time, it would be worth it.


	16. Sanctuary

I know, I know, it's short and mostly... filler? I dunno. Forgive me, I've been having writer's block and a lot of stuff to do in my life.  
I hope some of you are still out there. That'd be very nice. If not... well, I'll try to complete this one anyway.  
Next chapter will be longer. But perhaps this one will be to your liking.

* * *

_H__e that is taken and put into prison or chains is not conquered, though overcome; for he is still an enemy.  
_- Thomas Hobbes

**Chapter Sixteen**  
**Sanctuary**

**X**

''So, Boris'' the woman in the awful oak chair leaned against the armrest, sending him a knowing, almost condescending, look of false sympathy. ''How are we feeling today?''

He did not like the woman. From the instance he met her, he knew he would come to loathe her. Distantly in his mind he could imagine Rei's voice, saying that Boris' dislike was probably just a last try at rebellion. A last effort to be difficult, a last little kick and scream as he was slowly dragged back to the world of the sober. It was stupid of him, but part of his nature.

''Boris?'' came her thick, almost whiny voice again but he gave her no response.

It wasn't just his predetermination to be difficult which formed the hate. The woman really was unlikeable, that he knew from just one glance. Her small, chastising eyes and wrinkled, pressed together face which seemed to be in a struggle with gravity. That little smile of pity and self-appreciation, beaming at him as if he were a child. A stupid little boy who knew nothing of the world or what he'd gotten himself into. As if he could not fathom the weight, the grave seriousness of his condition. Maybe in a sense that was true. He probably knew not even half the severity of his life, but that didn't mean he was some kind of idiot and the way she spoke to him, like he couldn't even be trusted to dress himself properly - like she was some kind of superior, better than him - it made him want to close his bony, large hands around her fat neck and strangle her.

In a way she reminded him a lot about Baba Yaga, the evil hag who ate little children, a myth parents told at night to keep their sons and daughters in line. She looked like he imagined Baba Yaga to, the only thing missing was an insane witch's laugh.

''Mr. Kuznetsov'' this time the voice broke through to him, fiercer and slightly annoyed even. ''Are you alright?''

He smirked hatefully at her.

''Yeah, just fucking fine and dandy. I mean, why else would I be at a fucking rehab?''

The psychiatrist smiled with poorly concealed strain at him. Trying to remain composed she begun fiddling with her papers. Of what was written on them he had not the slightest suspicion. Whatever it was, it was sure to mean nothing good for him.

''How are you settling in here at our facility?''

''The food sucks.''

A dry chuckle bobbed her chin. Or rather, chins. He smirked thinly. Mocking her in his head seemed to make the session more bearable.

''Ah, well, one gets used to it after a while. You've only been here a few hours, after all. I thought we should get to know each other, introduce ourselves before you go through detox. Once you're done with that, our therapy may start for real.''

He rolled his eyes and scoffed disdainfully.

''Whatever.''

She smiled again. Understandingly but at the same time not at all.

''So, how has the morning been for you?''

Well, Boris thought, shit. Obviously. The taxi ride out to the place had seemed to take forever, and it had taken place in a silence so rotten at times he found it foul to breathe. Rei had looked solemn and stiff, as if trying to act unaffected while his left eye's twitching screamed otherwise. They got off and the driver offered to help them with the bags, but Boris ignored him and carried the luggage by himself. He felt weak and pathetic enough as it was, maybe if he carried the heavy bags he could redeem some of his reputation. It was stupid and foolish, but for the moment it was all he had.

Rei had sighed and trudged after him, the walk to the front door being one of the most exhausting ones the Chinese had ever endured, still only taking them barely a minute. They'd been greeted by a member of the staff, introducing himself as Soren, a young man still older than the two Bladers, looking kind but worn as he gave them a tour of the building. The man gave some quick information on things and after about an hour he left the two in the lobby to say their goodbyes.

''Great, just fine and dandy. That nurse sure was helpful!''

If she was bothered by his sarcastic tone, she did not show. Instead she continued as if he'd been sincere. Boris angrily wondered if _she_ was the one mocking _him_.

''That is wonderful, Boris. Did you arrive by yourself?''

His eyes hardened. Knowing she'd hit a vein of gold, the woman kept on hacking.

''Someone close to you? It must have been hard to part ways. But there are visiting hours, I suppose.''

Rei had been awfully calm for a change. For a brief moment there he saw the old Rei Kon, the one the world had loved and praised, eyes strong and determined. He sounded almost arrogant when he told Boris they would get through it, no matter what, speaking as if of a normal match. For some reason Rei's confidence irked Boris.

''So how long've I got to listen to your shit?'' the Russian drawled, looking bored already.

The doctor smiled.

'''Til you get better, of course.''

Boris scoffed.

''Oh yeah?'' he shifted in his seat. ''What the fuck does better even mean?''

He'd never even been good, had he? He'd been bad, terrible even, from the start. He remembered very little of the time before the Abbey and even days in the Abbey, years, were faded and distant. Memories that felt borrowed from someone else, looked upon through a dirty lens. There was the feeling of thieving when reminiscing sometimes, though he hardly ever did.

''It means you will able to stop drinking, indirectly stop ruining your life and not push those you love and who love you away.'' she tilted her head and he saw something evil dance around her. ''How long was it since you had a pleasant moment with someone?''

Boris had been stoic as usual, that morning, remaining hard and gruff. They had stared at each other for a while until he finally nodded. He didn't feel like verbalizing anything, it felt wrong to make Rei hopeful. He wanted to get his shit together, he really did. But he knew from experience that people who trusted and believed in him only got disappointed in the end.

''Well, I can tell you this moment here right now ain't one of them.''

She chuckled tersely.

''You seem very rough around the edges, Boris.'' her eyes glinted in a way that made him wary. ''Hard. Cold. Hurting inside, desperate to look strong. You are protecting your loved ones, feeling possesive, am I right? If you are strong then they will not hurt.''

They had stared for each other a while longer, taking in the light turqoise walls and white tiled floor, the smell of perfume and cleaning supplies, the clatter of keys from the front desk receptionist and the muttering of a coffee maker from the break room. That was when Boris noticed it, for the first time since they woke up; the hardness in Rei's eyes. An unsusual, surreal, almost artificial hardness which told Boris it was just a fake. A facade put up to protect himself and incidentally, to protect Boris. Rei smiled a crooked smile and opened his frame with arms slung out, inviting Boris to a hug.

''How has that been working for you?'' she, at the lack of response, continued pushing his buttons with childlike glee. ''How many people have been hurt because of your addiction, Mr. Kuznetsov?''

Without hesitation, much to both men's surprise, Boris had plunged in, bending down to reach the shorter man, and wrapped his arms around him. It took a moment for Rei to react but eventually his arms closed around the Russian, his face burying in the curve of his neck and for the first time during the day Rei let himself break down. The tears poured into the larger man's sweater and trickled down his chest and back, making Boris furrow his brow in slight discomfort. But it was momentary and short lived. Eventually the grey haired man hardened the embrace and buried his face in Rei's dark locks.

''I know what you're doing'' he said, leaning forward with hostility practically shooting out of him. Pointing his finger accusively at her he narrowed his eyes and hardened his face. ''And I will not let you get anywhere near my thoughts. You know what? There are no emotions down here, there never will be and even if there were you'd be the last person I would ever show them to.''

''Oh, Mr. Kuznetsov'' she shook her head haughtily. ''You and I both know that's not entirely true.''

He was so used to Rei's emotional rollercoaster now that it no longer fazed him. No tears could ever really bother him again because he had lived with them for years. Smelling the aroma of Rei's shampoo, Boris was surprised to find himself to be the calm one of the two. He'd expected yelling, throwing of furniture, anything of the likes, but instead he was eerily placid. Almost apathetic but more accurately indifferent and reisgned, accepting his fate by not thinking too much about it. All he allowed himself to feel was nothing but the urgent need to hold Rei like this again. And he knew the only way that would ever even maybe happen, was by getting better.

Boris glared with more energy than he had possessed in months. He wished so hard that he could kill a person with his eyes.

''Someone got you here, didn't they? Because I do not believe you are a man who would ever admit yourself. That'd be a loss, a weakness, wouldn't it?'' she said, sounding a little too cheerful. ''It'd be defeat.''

Rei had sobbed harder and eventually his shaking body even moved Boris' own frame. He tightened his arms and burrowed deeper into his head, wanting to submerge into Rei and stay in there forever. He'd muttered in the other's ear how he did not want to go, how he wanted to go home and forget everything. How he wanted to start again. Rei had not answered, only cried harder, because there was nothing Rei wished for more than that.

''You know'' he smirked teasingly. ''I'm going to get out of here.''

''I'm sure you are, Mr. Kuznetsov'' her voice though, indicated her opinion was of the contrary. ''I'm sure you are.''

Boris had continued talking. Usually Rei was the blabbering one, but for some reason they had entered the twilight zone, their roles reversed and still the same as they'd always been. Rei had promised not to cry and felt a burning need to apologize, but he was not strong enough for words. Instead he drew in a last whiff of the Russian, feeling the fabric of his sweater against his damp cheeks. Pressing as close to him as possible without breaking something. In a way Rei feared that if he let Boris go now he would never get him back.

''I'm doing this for him.''

She arched a brow.

''You know that usually only leads patients back to relapsing.''

''Maybe so.'' he crossed his arms, eyes resembling steel, daring the world to break on him. ''But not me.''

Boris had kept on saying that kittens looked awful when they whined, and that no one wanted to see his ugly, swollen face. It was intended as a teasing joke, and Rei had laughed, but the laugh broke half way through and erupted into more vicious sobbing. Boris said he never understood how Rei could cry so damn much all the time without dying of dehydration. Thoughtfully he had said that the 70 % of Earth covered in water must have been supplied from Rei's own sissiness.

People who passed them threw some curious looks, but the staff was used to such scenes and paid little to no attention to them. The two men knew nothing of their surrounding that moment, it was not important to them. Sighing Boris had grabbed Rei's shoulders and leaned back to look at him. His own face was blank but not hard, still it wasn't soft. It just was. His eyes thoughtful but steady, all of him a mix of determined composure. It made Rei stop his crying for a moment, resolving to quiet sniffling instead. God, he had felt so embarrassed.

''I thought I'd have gotten used to it.'' Boris said absentmindedly. When the doctor only looked puzzled he elaborated, biting his finger with a smirk, gaze distant and elsewhere. ''His crying, I mean. God, he's such a girl sometimes. Always crying over something.''

The woman snorted, but this time it was almost sincerely kind. Leaning back in her chair she smirked at him.

''I don't think you ever can get used to seeing your loved ones in pain.''

Boris rolled his eyes.

''But he's always in pain. Over everything. He cares so god damn much. Shit, if I stepped on a spider he'd probably need counseling the little twit.''

Boris just looked at Rei. Saying nothing, moving no facial features and giving no indication of thought. It made Rei fidget before the tears started falling again, but slower this time. Accepting their fate, knowing he had to, Rei wiped his face and smiled. Good luck, he had said, grabbing Boris' sweater, as if holding on to him was the only thing steadying him that moment. Boris looked at him thoughtfully for a while before, with no more warning than he ever did, he forecfully, almost violently, grabbed the other man's face and plunged in deep to kiss him.

''But that's what you love about him. Isn't it?''

The kiss hurt in ways both horrible and exciting. Rei savoured that moment with every fibre of his being, taking in the feeling of rough hands against his face, chapped lips against his own and wet droplets hanging onto his eyelashes. His heart pounded so hard he was surprised it hadn't knocked him unconscious. People were really starting to stare now but Boris ignored them as he dug his hands into Rei's hair, clawing into his skull. It was a very rare public display of affection and Rei's mind had to shut down from the shock. But Boris held him still, extending the kiss for just another second before he pulled back. This time, his eyes held something Rei could not decipher.

''Tsk'' Boris rolled his eyes. ''I don't love him.''

''Then why are you here?''

The Russian shrugged.

''He has a big cock?''

The shrink looked unimpressed and unamused by his antics. Shaking her head she chuckled superiorly.

''I doubt he's the only one in this world. Not really worth giving up your drug for, is it, Mr. Kuznetsov?'' When he didn't answer, only looked at her grimly, she shook her head, an evil glint in her eye. ''Besides, I don't think you're on the recieving end, or am I wrong?''

Rei offered him, for the first time that day, a meak and quivering little smile. I'm going to miss you, he had said, taking in the sight of him as if the man was on his way to death row. Boris frowned and pinched his cheek, making the asian jump with an irritated growl. Come on kitten, he had answered, I'll be back. Rei let out a shuddering breath. He knew that, so why did it feel like this was the last time they would ever see each other? Boris recognized in amusement how much harder it seemed for Rei than for him. It wasn't like Rei would be the one shitting his guts out and screaming at withdrawal induced hallucinations for the following days.

''Just so we're clear on this from the start'' she said. ''you're never going to make this, I don't care how tough you are, you will never survive this and be able to never touch a drink again if you do this for him and him alone. This has to be for you, mainly. Otherwise - ''

''This will never work. I know.'' he sighed. ''It's not like Rei haven't told me a million times already.''

The shrink leaned over her desk with a playful smirk, eyeing him hungrily, like her psychological persona was just about ready to eat his wrecked sorry person up for breakfast.

''Very well, Mr. Kuznetsov. Just as long as we're clear on that.''

Boris scoffed. He took in the surroundings, but really paid no real attention to them, before he gave her a bored but challenging grin. He'd enjoy toying with her. He was the one expected to break and cry, but Boris Kuznetsov did no such thing. He made others fall apart, laughing as he did so.

''Just you wait, Baba'' a brief look of confusion entered her face at the odd nickname. ''I'll be out of here faster than you climax during your sexual fantasies about Freud.''

The woman frowned at him but did not look insulted. Instead she scribbled something on a paper, putting the pen down she offered him a smile.

''We'll see about that next week, Mr. Kuznetsov.''

''We certainly will'' he said, rising out of the chair and heading for the door, stopping in the doorway he gave her a sadistic grin. ''We certainly will.''

''Goodbye, Boris.''

''Don't miss me too much.''

''Oh, don't you worry your little head about me. I'm sure I can manage.''

The question was, she pondered, could he?


	17. Past Misfortunes

_We've been watching for a miracle_  
_We're praying for a sign _  
_When the cure is made of poison then it's hard to rest your eyes _

Shoot Out the Lights - Ron Pope

**Chapter Seventeen**  
**Past Misfortunes**

**X**

''Oh, you guys are soooooo getting back together again''

Rei frowned at the phone squeezed in between his shoulder and ear, spraying the stove with detergents he knew not whether to laugh or bang his head against the wall.

''Yuriy, you're starting to sound like a high school girl''

There was a huff on the other end.

''Why are we even talking, anyways?''

Rei opened his mouth, but came up with no answer. He had never thought about it, really. As he felt it Yuriy had always disliked him and the times they ever spoke were few and impersonal. But the last weeks the two had been talking more and more. It had been by accident at first; the redhead picking up when Kai was not home and Rei ending up speaking to him because he was on the verge of insanity. More and more it became a routine and after a while Rei didn't even bother to ask for Kai anymore. If Yuriy picked up, Rei would talk to him.

''I don't really know. You're free to hang up whenever you want, you know.''

''Eh. Got nothing to do. Heard anything from the prickmaster?''

Rei smiled weakly at the name. Yuriy always managed to say the strangest things, it seemed the man was able to cheer him up simply by being awful. Part of why Rei liked that was because it allowed his anger towards Boris to be vented through somone else's mouth, as he himself felt to guilty of his wrath to ever voice it.

''No.'' Rei sighed, scrubbing the stove a little too forcefully. ''But I'm actally relieved not to.''

''Ah'' Yuriy chewed on something quite crunchy, the sound hurting Rei's ear. ''Right. Withdrawal. Nothing too fancy, I presume.''

Rei cringed. He did not want to imagine what Boris was going throgh. He had seen the man at bad times, but this time had to be the worst and guiltily, Rei knew he was glad to not hear from the man just yet.

'''Yuriy''

''Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's wrong to not want to know what he's going through right now.''

Rei had to smile at that. Sometimes it seemed like Yuriy could read his mind. Although, he was quite predictable and Yuriy was good at recognizing patterns.

For some reason he chose not to mock Rei this time, something the dark haired man silently appreciated. Unwillingly, he thought the two of them were actually starting to become friends.

''Yeah''

''Well'' Yuriy crunched a little more. ''That's normal. I mean he's sure to be a mess right now and that's hard to endure.'' Even for him, Yuriy thought with grim amusement.

''I just feel... Like I should be there for him. You know?''

''Christ, Rei. Haven't you already done enough? How much are you going to exert yourself for this idiot before it's alright? Don't feel guilty. That's stupid. He wouldn't even be alive now if it weren't for you.''

Rei was silent for a moment. His grip around the cloth hardened, his hand still but his mind moving frantically. He had hoped cleaning would have taken his mind off things, but the dread and fear and depression was getting too strong to be held off by the smell of lemon now. And Yuriy, that loveable bastard, understood, and for some reason tried to act upon it.

''You know, Rei'' the Russian said with a mouth full of food. ''I've never seen him happy. Through all the years I've known him, Boris just got worse and worse until we were sure he'd die.''

Rei detected no emotion in the voice but felt on some deep level that the man was not entirely unaffected. Still Yuriy kept speaking mechanically, matter-of-factly even.

''But, for some reason, you helped him. A lot more than you'll ever be able to see, I reckon. You see Boris was a train wreck from the start. But I never knew you'd be the one to pick him up.''

''I'm as surprised as you are. I mean, the man tried to kill me when I was fourteen, for god's sake.''

Yuriy chuckled dryly.

''Yeah, well. It was nothing personal. Actually, the reason I think he tried so hard with you is because he liked you. You don't want to murder a person that badly if you don't have some feelings about it.''

''That's... that's just messed up, Yuriy.''

The man chuckled again, more heartily this time.

''See it like this. We were brainwashed and manipulated. Boris was taught to be a sadistic murder machine from day one. You were just another vicitm. There was nothing personal or special about your case. The only thing making you a viable victim was that you were good enough to be considered a threat. But Boris...'' he thought he heard Yuriy shake his head. ''Boris saw something else in you. Since that game, since you beat him, it was like he actually, for the first time, respected someone. He became obsessed. He watched you every time you fought. If we were watching something else the dolt would beat us down to change the channel, just to see you.''

Something in Rei's stomach hardened.

''When you lost'' Yuriy mumbled through another mouthful. ''he'd laugh, so pleased that you were beaten. Revenge, in a way. It'd keep him damn near bouncing with glee for days. But when you'd win...'' he snorted. ''I've never seen him so intrigued, Rei.''

''I... I don't know what to say.''

''So don't. I'm just saying you're special. To him, I mean. I think you're a disaster.''

Rei smiled.

''Love you too, Yur.''

''Now what the hell kind of stupid nickname is that, Kon?''

Rei scoffed and resumed his cleaning.

''Thank you.'' he said, after a long moment of semi silence, filled only with the awfully loud crunching from Yuriy's chewing. ''I don't know how to ever repay you.'' Yuriy said something which was drowned in the chewing. ''What ever are you eating, anyway?''

''Shereal'' he crunched. ''yuu shwud pry it''

Rei rolled his eyes.

''I'll talk to you later, Yuriy.''

He heard swallowing.

''Don't piss your pants, Kon.''

**X**

Boris hated this place. He hated the stupid, blue walls and the stupid full floor carpet - really, were they stuck in the god damn seventies? - the disgusting food which reminded him of sewage, the annoying, giggling nurses who watched him with bedroom eyes every god damn time he turned a corner and the whiny, stupid patients. They tried to befriend him but from the start Boris put on his most murderous glare and not too much later they left him alone.

Boris especially hated a group of addict friends who were so fucking sad all the time, looking at him with tearful eyes as if he'd comfort them. God. What had he gotten himself into? And that stupid nurse, Soren, with his perfect blonde hair and perfect, movie-star face had seemed to take a liking to him. Whenever they ran into each other the man would just talk and talk endlessly about something Boris never really listened to. God. He missed Rei.

Which was odd. He never thought about it, but the time they'd been apart had grown into such a routine that he eventually didn't notice how much he missed him. Now when they'd been together and were parted once again, the emptiness at his side was more protruding than ever. Boris hated rehab. It made him feel so stupid, so weak and idiotic. Like he failed a life everyone else seemed to live with ease. The only thing that made him feel slighly better was that at least everyone else in that place were just as messed up as he was, if not even worse.

But even when he wasn't ignoring feelings that threatened every god damn day to surface, the detox was till not over. He didn't know what day it was, sometimes he barely rememebered his own name. The first night was spent shitting his pants and almost drowning in his own vomit. Sweating and shaking until he thought his bones would break. Soren was monitoring him endlessly, giving him water and what else he needed. Cleaning him up when he was too delirious to do it himself.

The worst thing wasn't the shaking or the sweating or even the soiling. It wasn't the unbearable pain, like his body was tearing and splitting into burning, miserable little pieces. It wasn't the insomnia or even the nightmares, constantly reminding him of days of his chidhood that he had tried to forget. Remembering the beatings, the exhaustion, the abusive exercise and malnutrition and brainwashing. All the things he had tried to drown suddenly resurfaced and it felt as if all his years of drinking and trying to forget had all been in vain now.

Still it was nothing compared to the hallucinations. When the walls and the floor and the ceiling melted, blended together into one foggy mess of colours set out to destroy him. Images of blood, seeping from the cracks in the walls, dripping down on him. Images of Rei standing in the corner, crying like he always seemed to do. Boris tried to touch him a few times, but never quite reached him.

His mucles contracted and contorted in ways he never thought possible. His skull was threatening to split open and the smell, the odor, the foul stench from his skin was enough to make him want to crawl out of his body. The sweet blessing of unconsciousness only rarely visited him and he always seemed to wake up much too soon. And whenever he woke the hallucinations, the images, were right there to greet him. Boris didn't know how much time had passed, but it felt like long enough.

Soren sat by his side, reading a book, looking sympathetic and kind. How Boris wanted to break his pretty little face. But he could not move; his body was heavy and in constant pain, no matter how many soothing substances was pumped into his blood. And his throat. God, his throat. It was killing him. It was so dry he swore he could taste blood. He was just so _thirsty. _If he could only have one, just one little drink. It didn't even have to be something strong. Just a little sip of liqueur. Fucking cider. He just needed something to quench the thirst, to stop the ants crawling in his head and the constant sensation of dying.

Boris had been through a lot of things, but nothing nearly as horrible as this. The Abbey, that wretched place he swore he'd left behind, sometimes he lived it all over again. He remembered a superior's face, telling him how worthless and stupid he was. Hitting him across the face as soon as he showed emotion.

_''Emotion's are for the weak, Kuznetsov. And do you know what happens to the weak?''_

''They get devoured'' Boris murmured, sometimes. This time with Soren looking at him over the edge of a book.

''Sorry?'' he said, looking familiar with the experience, almost detached.

''We get devoured'' Boris panted.

Soren wasn't sure if the man knew he was even there. Probably not. The delirium had probably taken over him completely. Whatever Boris experienced, it had to be a memory, a false image created by a mind starved of its drug. Putting the book aside, guessing he'd not get to read it anymore, Soren inched closer to the bed.

''What do you mean, Boris?''

''Devoured'' his sweaty, disturbingly pale face tossed and turned about. ''No emotion. No memory. No longing. Wishing. Satisfaction. There is nothing but the Cause.''

Soren frowned. He had heard a lot of crazy things in his days, some patients got really out of it, but he never got quite used to the things they confessed.

''What is the cause?''

''The Cause'' Boris panted, eyes boring through the roof but seeing nothing present, nothing but the warped images produced by his own starved mind. ''We must serve the Abbey. We must destroy those who oppose. We must hurt them if necessary. We _will _hurt them if necessary.''

Soren gave a crooked, hesitant smile. Not sure if the patient could handle it, he put his hand on Boris' arm.

''It's alright, Boris. I'm here. Soren, remember? I'm here and it's going to - ''

No further did he get until Boris grabbed his throat, his pupils so small they were almost devoured by the grey. Soren looked frightened for a moment but soon relaxed when Boris' features softened.

''I'm sorry'' he mumbled, his Russian accent suddenly very heavy.

''Excuse me?''

''I'm...'' Boris looked at him but who he saw was not his nurse, instead there sat a thin Chinese man, feeling and looking older than he was. ''Why?''

Soren smiled awkwardly.

''Why what, Boris?''

''Why did you stay with me? For all this time I...''

''Boris, you're delirious. This is just a hallucination. I'm not whoever you think I - ''

''Net, net! Shut up, Rei! Shut your stupid mout for vance and let me talk!''

Soren stared at him in confusion, but ultimately nodded.

''O-okay...''

Was this protocol? He didn't know. He probably should call for someone to come and assist him. They were at day three, usually it took the patients around five days to get through the worst. Some of them came through the withdrawal sooner, others later. He was used to seeing them hallucinate, lost and delirious and so far gone in their own heads they saw nothing but things they'd tried to run away from. Usually though he'd have someone with him, someone more experienced. But, Soren was a trusted man now. He had to take care of them by himself. It was his responsibility.

''Yuu, yuu'' Boris wrinkled his forehead deeply, his eyes so dark the nurse thought they'd poison him.''I... I'm so sorry. She... she means nothing to me. She... I didn't...''

Boris couldn't find the words. So long had his emotions been locked up, killed if they ever should surface, he was not used to voicing them. But holding what he thought was Rei, he knew he had to say something. What or why he did not know. But the pain and the fever and the dizziness pushed him forward; he knew deep in his gut that if he didn't say this now, by God, he never would.

''Rei, I... I uh...''

Soren put his hands on the man's shoulders, gently rocking him.

''Shhh, shhhh. It's okay, Boris. It's oka-''

No further did he get before Boris sat up and threw up all over him. Over his baby blue scrubs, his honey blonde hair and into his handsome little mouth. For a moment Soren did not know what to do. He was torn between vomiting right back at Boris, starting a war of stomach contents, and dropping dead right on the spot. Instead he removed himself calmly from the room, motioning for a passing nurse to take his place, never completely closing his mouth.

Meanwhile, Boris was lost in another world, forgetting all about the previous minutes, he laid back down like nothing had happened. Constantly muttering completely in Russian.

This time, he saw nothing but a swirl of colors dancing in front of him. It was as if being drunk, only painfully aware of everything. No warmth coating his brain, no numbness in his lips or heaviness in his limbs. Only a dizzying, confusing swirl of visions he did not understand.

By the time the new nurse had joined him, he threw up on her too.

**X**

''Well, Boris. Have we made any progress as of late?''

His cognitive functions, hell, his entire body, were still not functioning properly. The detox, that nightmarish hell of an experience, was finally over. It had taken him around six days, Soren had told him. Boris had been too delirious and in too much pain to even notice when the sun rose. So talking to Dr. Baba, as she was henceforth going to be called in his head, was not exactly the first thing he wanted to do that eighth morning at the clinic.

''I stopped shitting my pants, if that's what you're wondering.''

She smiled stiffly at him. Truth be told, the only thing that had been on his mind the last days had been the relentless thought that he wanted to die. Just plain right on the spot die. His body felt weak and used up, everything still hurt and even if the worst was over and the hallucinations were finally gone, he couldn't stand the thirst. It was driving him mad at every single nanosecond of the day. It kept him up at night, ruined his hunger signals and just about everything around him got drowned by the scream in his head craving a drink.

''That is certainly an improvement. Anything else you want to tell me about?

Maybe if he attacked the staff they'd sedate him. That'd be almost as good as alcohol, wouldn't it? Yes. Yes, it would work. It would definitely work. If he picked up a chair from the leisure room and broke it over Sorens precious little head, maybe then they'd pump him so full of narcotics he'd either be satisfied or dead.

''So, how are we doing?'' Dr. Baba, noticing the lack of response, decided to ask more specific, but not too direct, questions. Getting him to talk about something inconsequential and then slowly lure him into more personal territories seemed to be the most effective approach. ''Getting used to the food?''

Boris scoffed.

''I contemplated stabbing my eye to get out of eating the meatloaf today.''

''Ah, well, it's no Borzcht, I guess.''

''Now, that's racist.''

She smiled again, tilting her head. Wanting to be a little bolder, she decided to ask something more personal, but still inconspicious.

''Were you born in Russia?''

Sensing her shifty behaviour, almost as if hearing her thoughts, he raised a skeptical and wary eyebrow at her.

''Why?''

''Well, your name indicates Russian heritage. I was just wondering whether you were born here, since you almost completely lack an accent, or in Russia and just are a very smart boy.''

He glared long and hard at her. Still too dizzy to pinpoint exactly what felt wrong about the conversation, he decided to answer but to answer carefully.

''I was... born in Moscow, yes.''

''Mhm, mhm'' she nodded in peculiarly increased interest. ''Is it nice there? Lots of snow, I bet?''

''I guess?''

''Mr. Kuznetsov... mind if I call you Boris?''

''I will rip out your kidneys.''

''Mr. Kuznetsov then. We can work on that.''

He growled but was professionally ignored.

''What's it like in Moscow? I've never been, you see. I hear it's a very beautiful city.''

He shrugged.

''It's a city.''

''Well, with those towers... what's it called?''

''Saint Basil's Cathedral.''

''Saint Basil's, right. Why, aren't they just beautiful? Or maybe you don't remember? When did you move away from Russia?''

Leaning forward in his seat - in hindsight a very bad idea as it put him close to fainting - he bared his teeth at her. As soon as the room had stopped spinning he threw in a glare as well.

''Just what the hell are you getting at, here?''

Sternly, she was silent for a moment, watching him thoughtfully, almost a bit apprehensively before she sighed.

''Mr. Kuznetsov. You probably understand that we need to get to the point and find out what is the main cause of your drinking problem. Normally I'm not one to prance around the matter and I am sure you aren't, either. So what say you? Shall we get down to business?''

Boris' eyes thinned, his face hard and unbetraying. Snorting, he crossed his arms and leaned back into the backrest again, closing his eyes.

''Now, I'm just going to sleep for the next fifty minutes and then I'm going to go to my cell - ''

''Room.''

'' - whatever. I'm going back to my cell and then I'll spend the rest of the day thinking about all the things I could tell you, but won't.''

There was an eeerie sort of sadistic pleasure in his voice, albeit very laborious, a sound which unsettled her.

''Oh, trust me, Mr. Kuznetsov, I will find out. I don't know how, I don't know when, but eventually your life is going to drive you crazy and then I'll be the only one here who can treat the disease instead of only the symptoms.'' she smirked. ''Face it, I'm the only one who can help you get your life back.''

Boris scoffed.

''I'll believe it when I see it.''

**X**

The porch was, for the time being, devoid of any other patients except for an old woman sitting in a cloud of cigarette smoke, staring thoughtfully into the distance, unaware and not really all that much of a nuisance since she hardly made no sound, other than the quiet puffs and huffs as she took another drag. Boris was sitting alone by a table, glaring at everything that moved around him. Other patients were running around in the yard, playing what looked like cricket. It was just past lunchtime and with some free time at hand the patients were mostly strolling around, minding their own business. In every far corner though, Boris could se nurses and staff personnel lurking. But he pretended not to notice them, focused on counting the days to his release in his head.

''Aw, missin' a lass, are we?''

Boris knew the voice came just beside him, but he ignored it to the best of his abilities. Tired and on edge, his jittery hands shaking as the last of the drugs left his system, in no mood to socialize but much too tired to assault people. Instead he had etched a permanent glare of hatred, warning others to stay away lest they perish at his hands, into his eyes. It didn't seem to work on the one patient to his side, though, as the next moment the man sat down.

Boris raised an incredulous eyebrow at him, grinding his teeth angrily. The man smiled raggedly at him, waving a little with his hand the plastic band around his thin wrist rattled. He looked ruffled, as if in constantly engaging in fights to the death with raccoons. His red, tousled hair and sharp stubble was quite the contrast to his sallow skin and dark eyes, brown irises glinting almost playfully. But there was a tiredness in his posture, one Boris would have used to his advantage if circumstances were normal and he hadn't just spent half of the lunch hour throwing up.

''Come on, man, ye ain't really gonna give me the silent treatment, are you?'' When Boris, still not moving his mouth, only darkened his glare, the strangely familiar man sighed and rolled his eyes, throwing his hands in air. ''Ye know, from the looks o' ye, I'm guessin' ye'll be here a long time, yeah? Prolly good t' not be such a giant dick, ain't gonna be easy otherwise.''

Boris just glared at him. There was something irksome with the man's face, something recognizable and yet elusive. It was as if he'd seen the face before, a long time ago. The years had not been kind to the man. He looked hollowed out and rugged, his voice hoarse and breaking every few words. The ban looked at him with the same intent in his eyes, looking equally annoyed as opposed to the smug grin he'd carried just a few seconds ago. It didn't take long until the dark eyes widened, a slightly disgusted shock in his gaze when he suddenly let out a loud, incredulous laugh.

''Well, fuck me blind and retarded. If it isn't Boris Goddamn Kuznetsov!''

Boris glared at him; as if it was supposed to matter who he was. He was just about to growl something hurtful, when suddenly it hit him like a jackhammer.

''_Johnny_?''

''In the flesh!'' the Scotsman grinned. ''However puny it may be at this moment.''

As Boris just kept on glaring at him, face devoid of emotion save for a twitching eyebrow, Johnny winked.

''The views nice, yeah?''

''What the fuck are you doing here?''

Johnny turned with a shrug to gaze upon the yard, the group of patients playing unethustiastically. One throwing his club away in exasperation as the ball had rolled into a bush, the others laughing until the sore loser ran towards them, tackling the largest of them to the ground. At first the staff in the shadows had tensed, posing as if ready to move, but when the tackled and the tackler began laughing, the personell eased in their postures and remained where they stood.

Johnny smirked, nodding towards one female patient for the moment reprimanding them two quarreling males. After she had yelled at them for a while she bent over to pick up the discarded club.

''Yeah...'' Johhny said absentmindedly, almost wistfully, ogling her. ''Real nice view.''

Boris rolled his eyes. Johnny kept grinning as he kept his eyes on the woman. This time she was handing the club back to the sore loser, smacking him loosely before yelling at him to play nice. As soon as the disruption had begun it was gone and the game picked up exactly where they'd previously left off; the patients in their cream coloured robes running around, one making a victory dance when he got the ball through a bow. Johnny frowned, but not in irritation as much as strange amusement.

''Makes you wonder why they play the game when they obviously don't know the rules'' he turned to Boris again, his previous grin now a simple smile. ''What, you don't like ravens?''

Boris glanced at him stupidly first, wondering what hell kind of question that was, until the redhead nodded to the girl again. Noticing that her hair was dark caused the Russian to sigh.

''Oh, I have nothing against those'' he muttered, idly his thoughts were reaching back to a certain Chinese man, wondering what he was doing at the moment.

''What then? Too skinny?'' Johnny gave her an analytical look. ''Well, meth'll do that to ye, I s'pose.''

Boris resumed his silence again, eventually realizing to his great joy that Johnny hadn't spoken for almost a minute, when suddenly the man gasped. Slowly he turned his head to face Boris with a very disturbing smile on his face.

''Oh, no! Don't tell me...'' he laughed heartily, slapping the table's surface. ''Oh, man, ye for real?''

Boris frowned, not sure what he'd done to make the man act so strange.

''Were you droppped as a child?'' he said, crossing his arms.

The Scot smiled more wickedly, in a teasing sort of way, shaking his head. Boris felt himself tire tremendously, thinking about what repercussions would follow if he simply leant over the table and throttled the man.

''No, sir'' Johnny put a hand over his heart as if taking an oath. ''But, I may however, have been a bottle baby.''

''Did your mom put arsenic in that bottle?''

The Scot laughed again. Boris really wished he'd stop doing that.

''That's a great attitude, Kuznetsov'' Johnny said sarcastically ''Just 'cus you're an addict doesn't mean you can't have a little fun!''

''This'' Boris pointed at his stiff, spiteful face with his thumb. ''is not me having fun.''

The other snorted.

''Thank lord for that. Ye're just a real tough guy, aren't ye'?'' Johnny put his hands up in front of him in mock defense. ''Haven't met those before''

By the sarcasm in his voice Boris assumed the man was not fully realizing just who he was talking to. Leaning against his arm, the Russian inched closer to the other, eyes cold and threatening.

''Are you really that suicidal?''

Johnny seemed unfazed, smiling again. This irked the Russian somewhat.

''My dear, Russian friend, where I come from people wouldn't even condescend to blink at your threats''

Boris scoffed and leaned back in the uncomfortable chair.

''Now who's the tough guy?''

The Scot gave a short, bitter laugh. With a shrug he returned his stare to the female patient, now getting a pretty good look down her shirt as she was somewhat bent forward, focusing on swinging the club just right.

''Where's yer place?''

''London.''

The man cocked an eyebrow.

''Yeah? How long've ye been here?''

''Why do you care?''

Johnny shrugged.

''Just making conversation. Got shit else to do 'round here.''

Perhaps, Boris mused, the man did notice how unwelcome and unwanted he was but chose not to consider it. Which was strange, he found, but even stranger was how he had yet to smash a chair across the Scots head.

Maybe he wasn't just tired, physically, the Russian thought. Maybe he was just too damn drained mentally to bother for the moment. Besides, annoying as the man was, it was nothing Boris couldn't survive. Surely, the doctors had told him he would feel stronger and more energetic as the days passed and as his body flushed the toxins out of its system. And eventually, he assumed, he would be in just the right mood to break the the redheads weak little neck.


	18. Whatever It Takes

Tell me what you think of Hilary, okay? I'm afraid I make her seem OOC. But I figure that out of the boys, Hilary would have this fear based respect for Kai, be bothered a lot by Daichi, like Max, feel protective of Kenny, hate/love Tyson and be fond of Ray because he's not an annoying brat, and she may connect with him differently. I dunno. Lots of dialogue here. And don't worry, Kai and Yuriy will reappear soon enough. Cheers!

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen  
****Whatever It Takes**

**X**

Two weeks had passed with nothing new happening. Rei went about his day like he normally would without the drama. He washed his dishes, did the laundry, paid his bills, met up with Dr. Peony, he'd even gone back to work. It was part time, as some days he struggled to get out of bed, but it was enough for him to scrape by. The harsh melancholy that had sunk its claws into him stirred and slumbered in leaps and bounds. Some days he was quite chipper, talking to Kai and occasionally Yuriy on the phone, cleaning out the kitchen whenever the hollow in his chest ached. It was no way near the real thing, but having a spotless kitchen made him feel like Boris was still around. Like he had just gone out on town, sitting at a restaurant, sleeping in the bed or hiding away in a cupboard. He hadn't dared call the man yet and even if detox was probably over, he figured Boris wouldn't be too happy about therapy.

Then there were days when he doubted he could make it through. His chest more like a bear trap, a churning sensation of dread gnawing and nibbling away at his insides. Those were the days he thought about just staying in bed, like there was no point in even bothering. The days filled with doubt. What guarantee was there that when Boris returned he would be able to stay sober? What reason did he have to believe that he wouldn't go out on a binge the first thing he did? Rei's feelings? Was his limited consideration enough, was anything ever enough to come between an addict and their drug?

There were days when Rei contemplated visiting, or at least calling him, at the rehab. Days when hope fluttered weakly, inside somewhere. Hope that it was going to be alright now. Maybe with baby steps, but steps nonetheless. That maybe they could leave everything behind them, forget everything and move on. Maybe they could make it work, somehow. Because Rei knew not what to do without him. Every creak of the walls, every lonely sigh from the fridge or the birds chirping outside was that much louder, and the emptiness of his apartment that much more prominent. When Boris was gone, nothing was in its right place.

There were no guarantees. No promises that anything would be any different. Rei didn't know how much more of that he could take. More than that, he knew he wouldn't. He knew he would have to let Boris go and that was the one thing he dreaded the most. It wasn't sane to stay with someone who was so intent on dying away from you. But maybe Rei was selfish, for thinking of this. But with nothing to do, he had little else to do but think.

They hadn't been on the tabloids or the news in a while, which was nice for a change. But the past week some pages about Boris' rehabiliation had come up, and as more time went on, the more people speculated, he figured it wasn't long until things were way blown out of proportion again. At least things weren't as bad as before, and British celebrities were still more interesting. He just wondered, irked and disconcerted, how they had found out about it. For all he knew that certain clinic was used to treating at least minor celebrities, and discretion was their policy from what he'd been told by the people there. It wasn't impossible, he supposed, but it still made him feel uneasy not knowing how the information had leaked. But all the magazines were more focused on the most recent diet fad and infidelity scandal, for the time being at least. It felt good, like he had been confined in a small space for too long and was finally able to stretch his legs. Whenever the phone rang his heart still jumped a little in his chest, but the worry soon subsided as it was always one of the Russians.

When it suddenly rang one Friday morning, the day being one of his worse ones - not enough to make him bed bound, instead it seemed his body did everything it could to not be in bed, which was the reason he sat awake at 4 in the morning - Rei felt particularly suspicious. The time difference between London and Moscow dictated it was 8 AM over there, and no one ever called him at such an hour, despite all three of them being morning people. Then a chilling thought struck him. What if something had happened? Maybe Yuriy choked on a biscuit or Kai had an accident?

Rei felt he didn't want to pick up the phone anymore. If something bad awaited him on the other end - and it most often did - he didn't want to face it. But as the phone kept ringing , the person intent on not giving up, he reluctantly moved to answer it. But as his stiff, uncooperative muscles were about to pick the phone up, the ringing stopped. Rei stared at it stupidly for a moment, before dread jumped him from behind. What did this mean? Had they died? Had the house burnt down? Did they call for him with their last strength and die just because he took too long? Rei shook his head to rid himself of such silly thoughts. Why on Earth would Yuriy or Kai be stupid enough to call him in their dying moment instead of an ambulance? Perhaps it was too late, perhaps they knew they wouldn't survive and called just to tell him... tell him what, exactly? None of them were the sentimental type. Maybe it was just a telemarketer?

He jolted when the phone started ringing again, glancing warily at it as if half expecting it to jump at him. Either the situation in Moscow was really, really bad, or it was one bored Yuriy on the other end. What if it was a reporter? Rei frowned. He decided it was best not to dwell on it, for if Yuriy and Kai truly were dying, it'd be best to answer. Forcing his ominous feelings away he swallowed down the fear and picked up the phone.

''R-rei speaking?'' his voice stumbled out over his tongue, his throat very dry for some reason.

''Rei? Dude, that you?''

Rei cleared his throat, but choked on himself as he recognized the voice.

''Tyson?''

''Duuuude! I can't believe I had the right number! Awesome! How are ya, man?''

Rei spluttered incoherently for a moment, looking around himself as to find something that might aid him. He shook his head, trying to get his brain to function properly, wondering briefly if he'd gone psychotic and this was some sort of hallucination.

''I'm - uh- I am... I'm fine. How... how are you?''

''Great, man! I'm resting before the semi-finals and the chicks, dude, you should see the fangirls!''

''Yeah, I... I saw you.''

''You did?''

Rei massaged his forehead, still trying to let the situation sink in.

''On the TV, I mean. I saw Hilary's show.''

He heard that familiar, warming laugh on the other end. No matter how long between seeing each other, Tyson never seemed to change.

''Oh, yeah! Can you believe she's married? I mean, they say the way to a man's heart goes through his stomach so... I have no clue how she caught that one!''

Rei couldn't help but chuckle. It was a strange effect Tyson had on people; whenever around him, no matter how grim a person was, he always seemed to rub off on people with his elevated mood and high spirit. Well, unless it was one of the Russians. They seemed immune to all sorts of emotional attacks.

''It's good to hear form ya, Rei'' Tyson sounded serious, almost uncharacteristically tentative. ''I'm... I know we haven't spoken for like, ages, and I'm sorry 'bout that, dude. I just... you just completely disappeared and well, Hil said that maybe you wanted to be left alone and I...''

''Tyson, you're rambling.''

There was a sheepish laugh.

''Sorry.''

''It's okay.''

''No, but Rei, I - ''

''No, Tyson. I mean it, really. It's alright. I don't blame you. And Hilary was right, I didn't... I just wanted to get out of the spotlight, you know? Away from prying eyes. I just needed some time to... sort things out.''

And he did mean it. He had been angry with his old friends, once. But that was a foolish time in his life where he was so caught up in his own self-pity, everyone was painted a villain. But the past year had brought a new perspective on things and, Rei had come to realize, that he was the one who had distanced himself. Somewhere in his chest guilt pricked at him, and he wondered if maybe he should call Mariah. He quickly discarded the thought though, as he soon remembered how unpleasant their previous conversation had been.

''I really missed ya, man'' Tyson cleared his throat, evidently uncomfortable with such a sentimental scene. ''Max misses you too, he still talks about you all the time. And so does Kenny and Hilary and I... I... Uh...'' he cleared his throat again, sounding like something quite large had gotten stuck in it, but soon he spoke with renewed vigor. ''Hey! You said you saw Hil's show, right?''

Rei tried to stifle a yawn.

''Yeah?''

''Well, then you heard us talk about the reunion thingy? Right?'' he made a brief pause as if waiting for Rei to answer, but Rei barely had the time before Tyson was rambling again. It amazed Rei how soon the boy regained his chipperness. ''So, uh, I was actually calling to ask you about that. We haven't decided where to host it yet seeing as we're all scattered around the world and all and uh... yeah, we haven't picked out a time or anything yet either but, anyway, would you like to go? I mean you don't have to but it'd be really nice and we all want to see you and maybe we can ask those grumpy - ''

''Tyson''

''Yeah?''

''I'd love to go.''

He was silent for only a few seconds, but it was long enough for Rei to start suspecting that perhaps he had fainted. He had never heard Tyson be quiet for that long, not even in his sleep.

''That is so awesome! Way awesome! Dude, Rei, this is gonna be epic! The guys are gonna be so psyched!''

A dull ache thumped in him, an ache he hadn't felt for so long. He had missed them all, so much he had no words for it, but he had gotten used to it during the years and eventually, that ache just became background noise. Now it resurfaced and with it also the guilt. Guilt about how he had turned his back on the people he was supposed to always support, for his own selfish reasons. Suddenly Rei didn't feel like he even belonged at that reuinon anymore.

''Hey'' Tyson brought him out of his guilt trap. ''Uhm, Hilary wanted to ask you something, but it's midnight at her place now so expect a call later today when she's on her break, yeah?''

Rei frowned.

''Oh ýeah?''

''Yeah, but she wants to ask you herself so... keep your phone with ya, alright?''

Rei chuckled. He couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled for such a long period of time.

''Sure, Ty.''

''Okay, take care now, ya hear me?''

''Yeah, you too.''

''Great! Well, talk to ya later, I need to go and pick my Blade up at the repair shop, so... Don't do anything I'd do!''

''I wouldn't dream of it''

Tyson's laugh reached him through the phone, and as it did something pleasant and warm laid itself inside his stomach. A slight sense of homesickness struck him, though he did not know exactly where his home was. London was the closest thing he'd ever had to one, after all.

''Hey, Tyson?'' Rei said just before the other was about to hang up.

''Yes?''

''It was great hearing from you.''

There was a brief pause, before Tyson chuckled and as he spoke Rei was sure he could hear the smile in his voice.

''I'll always be here if you get withdrawal symptoms!''

Rei shook his head.

''I know. And I'm... I'm sorry. For everything. I know I haven't been a good friend, or any kind of friend at all, I just - ''

''Hey, hey, Rei, don't sweat it! I understand! Or, well, I don't since I've no idea what you've been up to but...'' there was a strained pause, but his voice was kind when he continued. ''No hard feelings, Rei. I know what it's like to want to get away. We can't always be at our strongest.''

''I... guess not''

Rei still didn't feel satisfied. He wanted to apologize to Tyson, to all of them, for a thousand years as the shame suddenly overpowered him. Even if Tyson forgave him, Rei know he wouldn't.

''Gotta run now, but don't beat yourself up. We'll talk some other time, okay?''

Rei sighed, but tried to soldier up.

''Okay.''

''Bye, Rei!''

A click told him that Tyson was gone from the line, and for a while he just stood staring at the phone in his hand. Eventually he let out another, slightly longer, sigh and put the phone in his pocket before he sagged down on the couch. Perhaps Tyson was right and maybe the past didn't matter anymore. The important thing was that he was there now, and he had to make the best of what he had. Perhaps, it was time to let go and try to move forwards.

And maybe there was still a chance that things would get better.

**X**

''Reading some sappy romance novel there, Borbor?''

Boris looked up from the book in his lap. Not that he was much of a book worm, he never even bothered with instruction manuals, but sitting around staring at a wall and trying to ignore the other patients he eventually got bored and restless which was never a good thing with him. Soren had showed him to the multicultural section of the leisure room, a small and pitiful collection, but there had been some works in Russian and knowing he had to at least try to cope with the cravings, he decided a book was better than nothing. If it could distract him for just a moment, it would be something. Unfortunately, he was barely three pages into the book when Johnny decided he was bored as well, and he sure wasn't going to be reading any books when he had a former rival to bother.

''What the fuck did you just call me?''

''Borbor!'' Johnny said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. With a cocked eyebrow he dropped down into the tattered armchair next to him and smirked in that way Boris had already grown to detest. ''It sounds so mich like 'bore', which you most certainly are if I ever saw one.''

Boris felt his facial muscles twitch in oncoming indignation. With a growl he returned to the book, trying to ignore Johnny to the best of his abilities.

''Whatcha' readin'?'' Johnny wouldn't have that though and was intent on doing everything in his might to get Boris to pay attention to him. ''What the fuck is this? Are these supposed to be letters? What the fuck?''

''It's the kyrillic alphabet you idiot.''

''It's a shitty fucking alphabet if you ask me.''

''Well, I didn't''

''What's that say right there?'' Johnny pointed his finger at an especially long and weird looking sentence. ''What's those backwards Rs supposed to be? That thing looks like a spider. Do you have fake letters because you can't write so you draw weird looking symbols instead?''

''Leave me alone!'' Boris shut the book forcefully enough to produce a loud bang, but Johnny was quick to pull his finger out of harm's way which only infuriated the Russian further. Having failed at his first attempt, he decided to smack it across the other's head instead. ''Go away!''

''Agh! What the fuck!'' Johnny stroked his face and as another rain of attacks came at him he, surprisingly graceful, evaded every new attack. ''You caught me off guard with that first one.''

He had his athletic prowess to thank for that, as the more Boris tried to hurt him, the easier it got for Johnny to remain unharmed. Finally Boris roared angrily into his palm, instead hitting himself in the head with the book.

''Bor, take it easy! Don't wanna lose your last two functioning brain cells, do ye?''

Boris just glared at him from the corner of his eye. At least he had stopped abusing his cranium. Leaning back in the armchair, he let out a string of Russian insults and a very tired sigh.

''Great, now when we've stopped being psycho, we can play!''

''Go away.''

''Come on, Bor. I'm bored, you're bored, let's be bored together!''

''Why?''

Johnny shrugged.

''Lucky for you'' Boris growled through gritted teeth ''that they drug me up, otherwise you'd be scraping your face off the ceiling.''

Johnny snorted and rolled his eyes.

''I feel immensely threatened.'' he smirked. ''Not like you could've taken me anyway.''

Boris cocked an eyebrow.

''Is that a challenge?''

''For you perhaps. For me? No. Piece of cake. I'll take your bony ass down any day.''

Boris growled, feeling near comatose. The anger frolicked around for a while, but he hadn't the energy to let it surge forth as it wanted. Instead he just scoffed, glaring at Johnny as hard as he could.

''I'm bigger than you''

''True. But why bitch about it? We can let the boxing ring deciede once you've stopped being such a pussy and start moving around again.''

Boris scoffed.

''If you love pain that much, sure.''

Satisfied, Johnny sat back with a delighted smirk, paying no attention to Boris as a group of female nurses had entered the room. Boris took refuge in the privacy and knowing it wouldn't last for very long, he closed his eyes and enjoyed the peace in silence. His head had just stopped ringing when Johnny decided to bother him again.

''So, how long've ye known?''

Boris arched a brow, incredulous eyes glaring at the redhead.

''That you were an idiot? Since the moment I first saw you.''

Johnny rolled his eyes.

''No, ye dolt. That you were... well, batting for the other team?''

The incessant winking he was performing made Boris feel very uncomfortable. His eyebrow twitching again, he knew not if Johnny was trying to be sarcastic or if he was being flirty.

''What?''

''Oh, relax!'' Johnny smirked. ''I like the ladies m'self, I'm just messin' with ye.''

Boris growled.

''I don't 'bat for the other team'.''

''You don't?''

''No.''

Johnny looked thoughtfully at the ceiling, almost as if disappointed.

''Hmm... I'm usually right about these things...'' then his smirk returned full force and there was an evil glint in his eyes as he spoke next. ''Oh, you stud! Ye battin' for both teams, eh?''

Boris gave an indignant sigh.

''What are you talking about?''

''That ye like the fellas! And the girls, I s'pose.''

Boris glanced at him. For a moment he contemplated just walking away and hoping that whatever happened, perhaps by some dumb luck Johnny would end up tilting the book case over himself and die. Much too tired to even breathe properly, Boris decided he wasn't in the mood for storming off, instead he stayed put and tried to sustain the conversation as little as possible.

''I never really cared'' he muttered, glaring. ''If I saw something nice, I went after it.''

''Oh, how noble of you! Seeing the person, not the gender!'' Johnny's sarcasm was dripping in abundance and Boris considered risking getting thrown out and the pain of his muscles just to get the satisfaction of hitting him. ''So, ye single?''

''Why are you so interested?''

''I'm curious! I've got nothing to do!''

''So I've noticed. Bother someone else.''

Johnny waved his hand at him and scoffed.

''They're no fun. They just look at me all sadly.'' he winked. ''Come on, Borbor. I promise I ain't hittin' on ye, I'm just trying not to lose my mind here.''

Boris rolled his eyes.

''Too late for that.''

''Har har'' Johnny looked at him over his nose, a condescending and not even slightly amused expression on his face. ''Come on, Bor. Ye single?''

''If I ignore you, will you go away?''

''No. I'm not a fairy - no pun intended - I don't die if you stop believing in me.''

There was a moment of silence. Finally Boris realized that Johnny was a distraction, and if he was going to make it through the day without breaking out and robbing a liquor store, any distraction was good. Even if it was annoying and loud and really made him want to hurt something.

''It's...'' Boris frowned, he really had no idea what to answer. ''... complicated.''

Johnny laughed, mockingly. Boris started rethinking this decision but realized it was too late to back out. Once Johnny latched onto someone, like a leach, he didn't let go until he was satisfied.

''Awww, do you have a picture of him with you?''

''Why the fuck would I have a picture of him? I know what he fucking looks like.''

Johnny shrugged.

''Just as a reminder, you know. In case you miss him. It'd be almost like him being here.'' he studied his face with a look in his eyes that Boris did not like. ''You miss him a lot, don't you, big guy?''

''Are you going to be following me for the rest of my stay here?''

''Yes. Yes I will.'' he nodded in affirmation. ''You know this leisure room, yeah?'' Boris only responded with a belittling glare. ''Well, I've read all of 'em books and I've seen all of 'em films more than twice, even the ones I din' understand. And the workshop? Man, what a joke. I mean, fucking model airplanes, right? What the hell am I going to do with a fucking model airplane? I don't even like heights!''

Boris stared at him, dead-pan, for a moment. Eventually he let a loathing sigh slip from his lips, leaving with it a part of his will to live.

''God, what is wrong with you?''

''I dunno'' Johnny shrugged. ''They're still trying to figure that one out.''

''Are we done now?'' Boris frowned, knowing that hope in this situation was foolish and he was right on the money as Johnny shook his head.

''We ain't done 'til you've told me more 'bout yer fella!''

''He's not my... fella.''

''Oooh... Unrequited? He straight or what?''

Boris was starting to feel very uncomfortable and very annoyed. He hadn't even shared this much with Dr. Baba, so why Johnny dragged so much out of him he did not quite understand. Perhaps because Johnny wasn't trying to 'fix' him, or unveil his secrets. Johnny just seemed to simply want to kill some time. Besides, it wasn't like he was asking any harmful questions. Boris had no shame and he didn't have to spill all the details. Moreso he supposed he didn't have to, there was certainly some gossip magazine telling its own skewed version somewhere. Though, Johnny didn't seem to be the gossiping type so it was possible that he was completely in the dark.

Shiftily Boris eyed him, studying him in scrutiny.

''I was an idiot, he got hurt. We spent a while apart with no contact and now I live with him but...'' Boris shrugged.

Johnny, chin leaned against his hand, legs crossed, nodded in what Boris was not sure if it was mocking or just his way to be funny. Either way, he didn't like it and offered the man a threatening glare.

''Are you here because of him?''

''I guess.''

''They've prolly told you this already but you do know that if it doesn't work out between ye, ye'll prolly relapse unless ye get sober for yer own sake.''

''What are you? My mother?''

Johnny smirked.

''Just sayin'. But I bet yer a smart guy, Bor. Ye'll figure it out and the two of ye can go back to bein' lovey dovey. Even if it doesn't work out, hopefully ye'll still be friends, yeah?''

Boris rolled his eyes and growled.

''Yeah, Dr. Phil, _prolly''_

Johnny faked a hurt expression.

''Ye don't haveta be rude''

''You don't have to be an idiot''

Johnny shook his head.

''What'd ye do, then?'' as he got a questioning, quite annoyed, look from the other, Johnny elaborated, once again gesturing with his hands. ''That hurt him so bad ye din't speak to each other.''

''I...'' Boris's eyes drarkened, his fists clasping and his jaw taut, it was obvious he was uncomfortable with the memory. He pressed a sigh through clenched teeth. ''Stupid, stupid things.''

''You need to come to terms with it. It won't matter if he forgives you unless you forgive yerself, yeah? Otherwise it won't work.''

''How long will you be here?''

Johnny looked puzzled by the question, not understanding what it had to do with anything.

''Another two weeks, I reckon. Why?''

''Then I'll look forward to that day more than my own release.''

Johnny snorted, the playful glint still in his eyes.

''Ye're a real piece o' work, Kuznetsov.''

''Part of my charm, McGuyver. Part of my charm.''

Johnny looked unimpressed and unamused.

''It's McGregor.''

Boris threw his book at him.

''How interesting.''

''I hate to interrupt your lover's quarrel here, lads'' a voice alerted the young men to the presence of one especially tall and especially burly nurse. ''But McGregor's scheduled for an appointment with the physician, so you'll have to finish this up later.''

Johnny got up to follow her, but turned with a wink as he put an arm around the nurse's shoulder.

''See ye later, Borbor'' the nurse carelessly swatted his arm away, sending glares the whole time they walked. ''Oh, Nance, I love it when ye manhandle me!''

As the two disappeared out of the room and down the hall, so subsided their resulting argument. Finally alone Boris picked up his book, but he barely read a whole paragraph before putting it down. Unable to concentrate and with a mind working incessantly, he suddenly felt oddly bored. As his body told him it was about to hurt him lest he quit being a jerk to it, he decided to try and get some sleep.

**X**

The rest of the day went by with nothing in particular happening. Boris went to see Dr. Baba and no progress was really made. He found out group therapy would begin the next day at 8 in the morning, sharp. He met up with his physician, who prescribed him a new medicine as his current one wasn't giving him particularly nice side-effects. He tried to device a plan for how to get out of lunch meditation, but came up short and decided to visit the gym after dinner. In the years since this had all spiralled out of hand, he had exercised less and less until he finally had stopped it altogether.

Boris was usually very muscular and broad shouldered, and despite being quite short for a man his age he'd always seemed sort of big. But now he just looked lanky. His arms were long and wiry, blue veins such a striking contrast to his ashen, sickly skin. His legs were emaciated and bony, his hands looking like something out of a horror movie. His muscle mass was laughable, his weakness twice as much. If the pills worked and he finallly got some energy back, perhaps he could use the gym. He was getting better at stomaching solid food, and in a while perhaps he'd be able to eat larger, sturdier amounts.

While plans were forming in his head, Boris acknowledged how much he needed a haircut. It was a wonder Rei hadn't picked on him in retaliation for all the comments Boris had made about his hair, now when his own reached his shoulder blades. If he put it in a pony tail he looked like cliché movie Russian mobster, but if he had it let down he looked like a porn producer. Boris sighed. At least his hollowed out face and sunken eyes, the dark circles and bags, made him look a little threatening. It was with a hard, sinking feeling, like an anvil in his stomach, he realized how far he had actually gone. Yes, perhaps he wasn't much to bring home to one's parents before this entire mess, but now he was simply just pitiful.

In a sudden surge of rage he hadn't had the energy to experience in a while, Boris slung out his fist and heard the mirror crack beneath his knuckles. Small shards fell to the floor and scattered around his feet and it was with a great lack of participation he watched them reflect his own, ghostly image back to him. Something warm and sticky slowly dripped down his hand and into the basin and idly Boris wondered if they'd punish him for this. But the anger had felt good, he had felt more like his old self and even if it absolutely drained him, it helped him feel like maybe that part of him wasn't entirely gone.

He knew that dinner was being served soon, but if he stood up for another minute he knew he was going to pass out. So instead he threw himself on his uncomfortable bed and blacked out before his head even hit the rough pillow.

**X**

Rei was lying on his bed, staring at the roof like he most often seemed to do. Nothing new had happened to it, so there was nothing productive coming out of this. The cracks were still the same, the spots in the same places he last saw them. Somewhere in his building he could hear someone vacuum and water ran through the pipes in the wall behind his head. The curtains were drawn, the room dark except for the light seeping in through the door crack. Rei had never considered his bed big until now. He hadn't slept in the same bed as Boris on many occasions, two or three perhaps, in the last months, but that was all he needed. One little reminder of how it used to be and suddenly the bed was twice as empty and big and uncomfortable as it had ever been.

Nex to him laid his phone, low on battery he ignored its blinking request to be charged. He knew Boris wasn't allowed to talk on the phone whenever he wanted, and even if he did have telephone hours right that moment Rei did not know what he wanted to say. He had seen a lot and the two of them had gone through some things that he often thought would break him, but somehow it was nothing compared to what he was experiencing now. On the one hand, he was relieved, almost exhilirated because it finally felt like there was some hope to the situation.

On the other hand, his heart was heavy and sore with fear, a wave of dread swelling and shrinking in intervals inside his chest. Beacause he knew that if Boris didn't make it this time, he probably never would. This was their last chance, for the two of them, and Rei knew that if Boris failed now it could take years for him to even try again and as much as he loved the bastard - hard enough as that realization was to accept - he also knew he loved him too much to manage watching him die like that. Rei felt like a traitor for even thinking along this path, but the truth was that he could do nothing more to help him. Boris had to do this on his own and for his own sake, Rei had no power to fix things. But by the gods, did he wish he had.

All he could do was sit by and support him and hope that this time, it would work. He knew it was going to be hard, there would probably be some relapses, but all he needed was for Boris to try. Honestly and wholeheartedly try, want and strive to recover. Because recovery and sobriety was a never ending process, he knew that. All he wanted was for Boris to try as much as he was capable of. He wanted to leave the past behind and start again, as new people with new futures. He felt stupid for admitting it to himself, but for all the things Boris had done, Rei loved him too much to let him go. If Boris didn't make it through, his biggest fear was having to leave him.

But it was so hard to trust him. He tried, he really did, but it was a slow process and he wondered if he ever really would. Mostly, he feared that perhaps he never could.

There were visiting hours coming up in less than a week. He didn't know if he wanted to go or not. Well, of course he wanted to, but he didn't know if he should. Kai told him to go face his fears and Yuriy agreed in less pleasant words, saying that it would probably mean something to Boris. And Rei knew he had no right to be selfish. But he so desperately wanted to be selfish. Although, he had promised himself to try to stop running from his problems and start dealing with them like the over-confident person he used to be, so perhaps this was as good a time as any. And he did miss him.

His phone woke him from his musings with a jolt as it began to ring. Rei glanced warily at it before he remembered it might be Hilary, so grabbing the phone - concluding the number was foreign and unknown - he tentatively answered, grateful to get any sort of distraction. He just hoped that whatever news awaited him it was good news.

''Kon Rei'' he almost poured into the phone, feeling very tired all of a sudden.

''Reeeeei! How are you? How have you been? How are things? I heard you saw my show! Was it good? You don't have widescreen do you? It makes my calves look fat.''

There was something different about her voice that he hadn't noticed from the show. Something more mature, but feminine. A timid smile tugget at his lips and it was with a lighter heart he answered her.

''Hey, Hil! Yes, I saw it and no, you didn't look fat. You look great. How... how are you? When did you get married?''

Having spoken to Tyson earlier sort of lessened the blunt shock, the surreality, of speaking to someone he hadn't met in years. In just a few seconds it felt like they had never parted at all, and yet like there was a stranger on the other end. Rei felt uneasy, but glad, to hear from her again. The guilt from Tyson came crawling back up his throat, but he tried to ignore it for the time being.

''Oooh, just a couple of years ago. He's a very nice man, I don't know how I reeled that one in!'' there was a nervous laugh, apparently Hilary was having the same doubts about the conversation as Rei did. ''His name is Pryce. He does most of the cooking.''

Rei smiled. He was glad to see that some things never changed.

''So you're doing good?''

''Yeah, better than I ever imagined'' her voice was sincere, and she sounded genuinely happy. Something in Rei softened and relief flooded him. ''I love my job, my husband - obviously - and my hair is so awesome right now, like you wouldn't believe.'' she laughed once again, more relaxed and casual this time, easing into the conversation more and more. ''But I miss you.''

That cold, metallic feeling returned.

''I... I know. Hil, I know I've been a terrible friend and I know I can't make up for that, but I want you to know that I'm sorr - ''

''Shut up, Rei.''

He blinked stupidly at the air.

''What?''

''I don't blame you. I really don't. I understand how it can be to have a rough time and I empathize, I really do. I don't love you any less, how could I? You're my Chinese hunk 'a lovin'!'' her voice was kind, forgiving and it only hurt him more to remember what kind of person he had abandoned all those years ago. ''We're talking now, aren't we? And I could've done more to stay in touch, for which I apologize. Let's just move past it, okay? I want to catch up!''

Rei felt easier and lighter at that, rolling his eyes at Hilary's quick talking.

''Well, sure. What have you been up to?''

''Ah, this and that. You know. Me and Pryce have been talking about a baby...''

Rei almost dropped the phone as his heart made a double jolt.

''What?''

''Jeeesh, calm down! I'm not preggers. We just thought that in the future, in some years, we would want kids.''

Rei calmed down. Even if he came from a village where one married and bore children around their age, he couldn't quite imagine Hilary pregnant. The mental images of her chasing her children around, angrily and with a mess around her, disturbed him slightly. But she was happy, which was the important part. A bit more relaxed he went to find his charger.

''That sounds great, Hilary. I'm... I'm really happy for your sake.''

And he was, he really was. It was comforting to know that someone he cared for was well, it was a nice change.

''Thanks, Rei. But you didn't answer my question; how are you? How are... things?''

Rei knew directly what she meant.

''They... uh... not so good, I guess. Better, though''

''I read online on a blog that Boris is... you know.''

''In rehab?''

He thought he could hear her shift uncomfortably on the other end.

''Yeah. I uh... actually, Rei, I wanted to ask you something.''

Rei frowned. He did not know if he should worry or not. He trusted Hilary, but the subject made him suspicious. As he plugged in the battery charger he waited tensely for her to speak.

''What?''

''Before things get as crazy as when they, allegedly, found out all that stuff about you two... And I just get pissed off by all the rumors - ''

''Hil, it's fine. I don't care anymore, let them gossip if they're bored.''

It comforted him the way Hilary was always so protective. She had always been a strong woman, albeit insecure, and despite her love being tough, it was love nonetheless and he knew she had always looked out for the best for her boys.

''But I care, Rei. I don't like this slander. Sure, about me I don't care, but when it's about my friends I just... well, you know me.'' she laughed tensely, almost bitterly. ''When they started talking shit about Tyson I made an interview with him to set things straight and I was hoping that, well, you might agree to do the same. I understand if you don't want to, I really do, I just get so pissed off and I want to show another side to the story and I know other reporters are insensitive jerks most of the time and maybe... I don't know. It just hurts so much not to be able to protect my friends, you know?''

Rei sighed.

''Oh, Hil'' He shook his head with a small tilt of his mouth. ''What ever did I do to deserve you?''

Hilary snorted.

''Think nothing of it, precious. You don't have to do it, and I understand you may not want to leave London... We could wait, I would gladly interview Boris as well. I just... I just want to do something, you know?''

''You always were a woman of action, Hil.''

''Oh, shush...''

''But... I'd like to do the interview. I... don't really care about their rumors and talking, but I want to at least defend myself. I don't think Boris really cares, but I just don't want to sit down and take all of their crap. I'm tired of letting my problems walk all over me.''

She was silent for a moment, before she laughed softly.

''Sounds like the Rei I used to know a long time ago.''

He lost his words for a moment. But soon he felt something small begin to stir, something warm and familiar, something akin to pride. The running had to stop. He hadn't bothered much with the press before, during his career, even if they had angered him a lot of times, he had dealt with it calmly and ignored them. He wanted to deal with it the same way this time, but he did not want to be silent. If he was going to reclaim himself, if he was going to be Rei Kon again, this felt like a good step along the way. Besides, it was an excuse to meet Hilary and get out of the country for a while. He did want to meet her husband.

''I'll... I'll ask Boris what he thinks. I can't call him but visiting hours will open up this week. If he wants to, we can fly over in... well, a few weeks. If he doesn't, I can't really do much around here anyway so I might as well come.''

''Great, Rei!'' her voice was loud and chipper, so much like the girl he remembered. ''Call me when you know, okay? And Tyson and I are trying to find a good date for the reunion, I'd love to see the two of you there.''

''Yeah, I'll try to get the grumpy Russians to come.''

Hilary laughed.

''Great. I'll talk to you later, alright?''

''Looking forward to it.''

''Keep your head up, okay? And you know you're my number one, right?''

Rei cocked an eyebrow in amusement.

''I thought Pryce was your number one.''

''Ooh, the things he doesn't know won't harm him...'' she chuckled. ''Take care, and don't do anything stupid like I know you boys do without me around.''

''Try not to burn the kitchen down''

Hilary huffed, presumably rolling her eyes too.

''Whatever, funny guy. I'll talk to you later.''

''Bye, Hil.''

''Byebye!''

As she hung up, Rei let out a sigh. Perhaps things were going to get better before they got worse. Perhaps things were never getting better. At least now he had things to look forward to. Putting the phone down on the bed Rei stretched long and nimble, feeling the tiredness disappear as his muscles worked. Perhaps some exercise would be good for him. It had been a while and he did get restless when he hadn't moved in a long time, not to mention his muscle mass had lessened considerably as of late.

As he went to find his running shoes, Rei cast a last glance at the phone and with a crooked smile guessed he would have to go visit Boris after all.


	19. Growing Wallflowers

**Chapter Nineteen  
****Growing Wallflowers**

**X**

Rei had no idea what to really expect. Going out with the cab that particularly rainy, raw day he knew not what to do with himself. For some reason his nerves were jittey and on edge, every fiber of his being seemed to rattle and stir. He felt much like a boy on his way to the first day of his new school, only this wasn't a particularly nice one. He wondered what would happen when he arrived and what he was supposed to say to Boris. The visiting hours were few and far between, so if he hadn't gone today he might not have seen Boris for another month. The rules were strict, but probably for a reason. Telephone hours were allowed more often, but he didn't have the strength to call him. If anything, he felt it was best to do this in person.

Outside the snow had begun to rain away, leaving grey and soggy dirt beneath it. It wasn't far until spring, and Rei welcomed that. After all, it was his favourite season. Come Febuary Boris would be let out. Unless he dropped out or got kicked out before that, which was a very likely possibility that Rei preferred not to dwell on. The cab swerved and glided over the road, the trip feeling much shorter this time. Perhaps because he had traveled this road before and knew what to expect, or perhaps because he dreaded this visit much more than the first one.

Rei felt so silly. It wasn't fair of him to be feeling this way but he was a person after all, he had a right to be conflicted.

It wasn't that he didn't miss Boris, quite the contrary, he missed him so much he barely knew what to do with himself sometimes, he was just afraid. Afraid of what was waiting for him and what it all would mean in the end, where this road would take them and if he'd like where he ended up. It felt wrong to be so scared. After all, Boris was in a clinic, he was getting help, wasn't that what counted?

''We're here. That'll be 20.'' the driver gruffed and extended a hand, his little machines blinking, making sounds that only served to stress Rei's nerves further.

With a hesitant sigh Rei handed the man his money, grabbed the door handle, braced himself and leapt out.

The walk to the clinic wasn't as far as the first time either. This time he made a deliberate attempt to walk slowly, drinking in every piece of the scenery just to have an excuse to linger. He looked at the dead flower beds peaking through the small heaps of snow, the footprints in the mud and the dead grass feeling air for the first time in months. There was a veranda where some men sat smoking, wearing caramel robes he assumed them to be patients. One of them waved pleasantly at him, for some reason it made Rei uncomfortable. But he waved back and even managed to slip in a wavering smile; after all, there was no point in being impolite.

Too soon for his liking had he reached the doors and within another moment he found himself standing in the lobby. His legs were mostly walking on their own accord by now, his body feeling mechanic, moving without his participation or concent. Rei figured that was for the best.

''Oh, hi!'' the same blonde nurse from the first time walked by, spotting him, instantly brightening up the room with a disturbingly wide smile. ''You're here to see Boris, I assume? I'm Soren, if you forgot!'''

Reis mouth formed a strange grimace.

''Hi'' he said and unzipped his jacket.

''I can take that for you, there's a wardrobe just around here!'' without waiting for permission he had grabbed the jacket and was happily urging Rei forward through the room. ''Boris is in the leisure room, it's just down the hall and to your left. I'll swing by in a few, just make yourself at home!''

The man had pushed him into the corridor and disappeared in a wink. Rei felt more and more disconcerted by the minute.

Despite his best efforts, he had reached the aforementioned room shortly and found it to be exactly where Soren had told him it would be. Large, helpful letters on the door spelled out ''_Leisure is pleasure_'' and with an odd snort Rei entered.

Looking around he found people strewn about seemingly randomly in couches and armchairs. Some were playing chess, others cards, someone was watching TV - the Hilary show, he noticed, feeling slightly calmer - and at one table a group of people just sat talking. He scanned the room for the familiar face and was mildly surprised about where he found him. It was by a small bookshelf that the lanky, grey haired man was positioned, flipping through a book rather unamused. Rei swallowed down his dread but it managed only to grow. Taking a deep breath he inched closer.

''What are you reading?''

Boris looked up, at first his eyes were hard and threatening, but they softened almost instantly as they noticed who had spoken, as if the man had expected someone else, someone much less appreciated.

''Rei'' he stated, frowning, thinking, then suddenly he remembered where he was and what day it was. ''Rei!''

Rei smiled, softer now, his dread giving away slowly as the old comfort the Russian strangely invoked in him spread. Boris put down the book and stood up, looking weirdly taller now when he had lost so much of his body mass. Rei let out a nervous little laugh, his legs suddenly feeling oddly fluid. Boris frowned at him, the grimace only deepening when Rei let go of his tension and hugged him. The Russian looked down at the man for a moment, before his frown weakened and he put a hand on the other's back.

''Missed me much, furball?'' that old grin that always made Rei's skin crawl appeared on the Russian's face and suddenly he felt much calmer.

Rei held on to him for another moment, not really caring about his former worries and questions - was this right? Was this appropriate? Did he really get to do this or was this right reserved for lovers? - and just happy he made the trip. He felt awfully guilty now for doubting in the first place. Letting go Rei looked at him, smile wavering, head tilted to the side.

''How... how are you? How have you been? Tell me everything!''

Boris scoffed.

''Calm down, kitten. I'm not going to disappear if you stop talking, you know.''

Rei laughed nervously, disturbingly.

''What are you reading?''

Boris cast a glance at the book, shrugging.

''Just some Tolstoy.''

Rei arched a disbelieving brow.

''You read Tolstoy?''

''Well, this is the last of his written, published works. When that's done I'm considering something else. Maybe Dostoevsky...''

Rei stared. He didn't see Boris as the book type, not that he thought him too stupid to read, it was just something he had never seen the man do. Boris hadn't even glanced at the Self help book for alcoholics he bought all that time ago. And Tolstoy, well, even Rei liked a good read and he had never mustered the energy for Tolstoy. Nodding, skeptically, he decided not to prod the matter lest he'd lose his mind.

''Uh huh.''

''How are you two doing?'' Soren had popped up out of nowhere, startling Rei but Boris had gotten used to it and merely glared. The blonde instantly shrank under the gaze, smiling nervously. ''Hey, Boris, why don't you show Rei around?''

''Why don't you fuck off?''

Soren's face stretched awkwardly.

''Maybe he would like to see the veranda? Or - ''

He didn't get to finish before Boris' eyes darkened, and the blonde quickly shut his mouth, turned on his heel and disappeared. Rei gave Boris a dead-pan stare, the other looking at him inquiringly.

''What?''

Rei sighed.

''I can't belive you, sometimes.''

''What? What did I do?''

Rei shook his head and grabbed the Russian's arm.

''There's no use telling you. It's like teaching a brick to float.''

''I'm not sure of what you're implying but I don't think I like it very much.''

''Come on, give me that tour.''

Boris gave him a thin look, but felt too numb in his head to muster a real, coherent train of thought. Instead the two began walking, Boris with great disinterest telling Rei what was what and what purpose it served, Rei not really listening but nodding as if he was. Instead he focused more of the feel of Boris' arm, the smell of him, the sound of his voice, taking joy in the fact that even if things were changing, Boris was still the same.

**X**

''So, what do you think of this place?''

The two were positioned in two chairs on the veranda, now devoid of people thanks to Boris' unpleasantness. Rei had acquired a cup of tea and sat sipping it, quiet and mellow in his actions. He was surprised himself at his collectedness. He had expected to cry or not even enter at all, but here he sat at a rehabilitation center, with his alcoholic ex, for whom he had complicated feelings and felt as if nothing was out of the ordinary at all. Which was a rather depressing insight, when he pondered it more deeply.

Boris just gave him a flat look. Rei sighed.

''Yeah, you're right. Stupid question. But still. You haven't left yet.''

Boris shrugged.

''No.''

Rei dared a sideway glance at him, hiding behind his cup as the question made him nervous.

''Are you... are you making any progress?''

''I don't know. No. Yes. I don't... It depends.''

''Depends?''

Boris growled.

''I haven't drunk a sip for... for two weeks, isn't it? I lose count. All the days seem like one in here.''

''Well, that's good but...''

''But will I manage it outside?''

Rei nodded weakly but said nothing. He felt it was a touchy subject to begin with and was surprised Boris hadn't ripped his head off yet. Another insight he didn't particularly like. He wasn't supposed to feel nervous about these things around Boris. If he couldn't feel completely safe a hundred percent of the time, what would they make as a couple? Not that he should be contemplating such matters in the first place .There were far more important things at hand than his love interest.

He was't even sure Boris wanted him anyway. Why would he? He was just whiny and insecure and such a pathetic person, even if Boris had felt for him sometime ago that person he used to be, that person Boris supposedly had grown to like, was dead and sure, little by little Rei felt the old self coming back but would it ever completely? For god's sake, he had been a teenager and teenagers changed. He wasn't supposed to be the same in his adulthood, that'd be insane.

And what if the new Rei wasn't lovable at all? Rei felt guilty for thinking this, because really, Boris had much more pressing matters to deal with. And he wasn't even sure if he could trust the man and trust was the building stone to all relationships. Would he ever grow to trust him again? Could he? Rei wasn't really sure anymore.

''Rei? Are you listening?'' Boris smacked the man loosely on the head, bringing Rei out of his musings.

''Huh? What? I'm... I'm sorry what did you say?''

Boris just glared.

''You're not listening.''

''I'm... no, I'm... uh... What?''

''Whatever. It wasn't important.''

The two sat in silence for a while, watching other patients stroll around the garden. They were playing soccer today, the players doing very poorly and mostly just slipping around in the snow. Rei knew he had to ask the question which was the main reason he had been so nervous all day, but he wasn't sure if he really wanted to. Boris seemed so calm and so... strangely normal. He didn't want to ruin the first peace the Russian seemed to have experienced in years.

Maybe it was the drugs, probably it was, but some part of Rei hoped that the therapy was working. That this place wasn't just another dead end. He hoped this was the right choice and even if he would love the man, stupid as he was, no matter how he left the place and who he was when he did, he hoped that this was a step forward and not, as so often was the case, three ones back.

''Boris'' Rei cleared his throat which had gotten awfully dry all of a sudden.

Boris looked at him questioningly, his eyes blood shot and yellow.

''I... Hilary called.''

Boris looked honestly surprised, but not the least bit impressed.

''Oh?''

''Yes.. She uh... she wondered if...'' he repositioned himself more comfortably in the chair, but his body still felt ill at ease. ''The guys have been thinking of a reunion and well... that's not really what I wanted to bring up just now but that's something I want to talk to you about too but...''

''Just spit it out.''

Rei flinched at the harshness of his voice, but at the same time took solace in it.

''She was wondering if we'd... uh... There have been rumors about your rehabilitation circulating online you see and well, Hilary is a bit mad at the press and well, personally I don't really care and I'm sure you don't either but she wanted to interview me about it all and set things straight and...'' Rei managed a shy glance at him. ''She was wondering if you wanted to come with me.''

Boris arched a brow, but gave no other emotional inidcation. Rei shifted uneasily in his seat, gulping down an unnessecarily large sip of tea, his heart fluttering awkwardly. Boris snorted.

''Is she flying in?''

Rei felt confused at the question.

''No... No, I think she wants us to fly in.''

''And we can afford that, I'm sure.''

Rei grimaced at the sarcasm.

''I suppose we'll work it out. I dunno. Don't studios often pay for those expenses?''

Boris shrugged. He remained silent, and Rei wasn't sure whether he was ignoring the subject or just thinking. He stared at the man for a few minutes, sipped his tea and waited. As more minutes passed and Boris didn't look like he was going to start speaking very soon, Rei cleared his throat for attention. Boris glanced at him and arched a brow.

''Soooo?'' Rei tried.

''So what?''

Rei glared.

''The interview?''

''What about it?''

Rei bit his teeth to stay polite.

''Will you join me or not?''

''I don't know. When is it?''

''It's... I don't know. She said if you wanted to come we could have it when you're released.''

Boris kept silent, looking at nothing in particular before he shrugged. He wondered how long the drugs were going to be given to him as he did not like their effects all too much. It was nice not to have to deal with the headache and the insomnia was a tiny bit manageable, he supposed, but they made him all too neutral and unresponsive. His brain covered in a fog only the never ending thirst seemed to cut through. He had good days and bad days and the cravings were lessening in force, but that churning feeling at the back of his head, that longing for self-destruction just wouldn't leave him alone. Boris wondered if it ever really would. Dr. Baba said it was normal and even when the physical addiction was gone the psychological could linger, and probably would, forever. It was a never ending struggle and sobriety was a full time project. Boris wasn't sure he had it in him to keep up that fight.

But he had to, didnt he? Not just for Rei's sake, but for everything. Without Rei his life wasn't all that much to put on a shelf and honestly, he didn't particularly mind the fact that if he kept up his habits he probably wouldnt live to see his thirtieth birthday. What was there for him, in the end? A job? He had no real interests. Even Beyblade hadn't been his idea and when Boris was free to do as he pleased he found the only thing he ever really felt like doing was drink. But with Rei it was diffetent. He wasn't sure just why Rei was all that special, he just knew he was and had learned long ago that it was useless to ponder. Rei was there and for some stupid reason Boris wanted him to be.

Boris was never going to change completely. He enjoyed people's suffering, he enjoyed being the cause of that torment and he enjoyed looking out for himself. But Rei was different, for some reason he wanted to protect the stupid idiot because he was obviously not doing a good job of it himself. He knew not why, all he knew was that when he woke up, he liked having Rei there next to him. He liked the way Rei would never drop things or the way he crinkled his nose when he tied his shoes. How concentrated he was when cooking and that weird, yelping sound he always made when he was about to fall, regaining his balance at the last second. Or how he thought out loud when planning things, his obsessive cleaning when upset. Boris enjoyed all of that and knew that even if it wasn't a good reason it was the only reason he had. Sure, if the two of them didn't make it, they could perhaps be friends. If they couldn't be friends, he really had nothing else going for him.

Dr. Baba had said he should get a hobby, that maybe he would surprise himself and find something else in life worth struggling for. Maybe some career he hadn't known he liked because he'd never tried it. Maybe studying something. Training, getting into another sport. Maybe there was someone else for him out there, she said, and Boris shouldn't quit because he never knew what awaited him around the corner. Those days Boris just stared at her hatefully. He had never wanted a partner, but for some reason Rei had weaseled his way into his life. He felt like a sappy idiot for thinking it, but he knew, somehow he just knew, that if it wasn't Rei then he didn't want it to be anyone else. To be honest, Boris had a hard time standing Rei most of the time and he sure as all hell couldn't stand anyone else.

He had enjoyed the solitude before him and he would rather pick the solitude after him. So what if they parted ways forever and Boris returned to his addiction and died? It really didn't matter for him. Boris knew he couldn't lead a proper life while drunk, knew he was reduced to a pathetic, miserable mess that he wouldn't condescend to spit at. He hated the person the addiction reduced him to, and that was a reason too. But without the alcohol, he hadn't much else going for him in life. Whatever happened, whether he and Rei would work it out or they wouldn't, whether Boris would drink himself to death or manage a solitary but sober life, he didn't really care either way. All he knew now was that Rei was there, and as long as Rei was, there was a chance. Because Boris Kuznetsov never gave up and for that reason he would try. Despite the painful cramps, despite the giant sore that they called his stomach, despite the insomnia, the nightmares and the tremors, despite the brain fog and the dryness of his mouth no water could soothe, he would try. Boris Kuznetsov was not one to be defeated and he would be damned if something as pathetic as a drink would.

If not for Rei, if not for his own life, then at least for his unhealthily large pride.

''Boris?''

Boris hadn't noticed he had disappeared into his head for so long. When Rei slammed his cup down on the table with a little more force than intended, Boris gave him a fogged look.

''Hm?''

''Will you accompany me or not?''

''Uh...'' Boris wasn't sure what they were talking about, he was too tired to really care. ''Yeah. Sure. Whatever.''

Rei looked surprised and didn't bother to hide it.

''You will?''

''Yes, yes, I will'' Boris waved his hand dismissingly. Not sure what he had just agreed to, but whatever it was it couldn't be worse than anything else they had done together. ''How long are you staying?''

Rei was surprised at the question.

''Uh... I don't know. I'm allowed to be here for another two hours. Why?''

''Just thought...'' he smirked, something that made Rei very wary. ''You haven't seen my room yet.''

Rei snorted.

''You do know that what you're thinking is against the rules and they will throw you out if they find out.''

Boris smirked.

''Hey now, rule breaking is what makes it hot.''

Rei laughed.

''Yeah, right. Keep dreaming.''

''You never want to have any fun.''

Rei looked at him, regarded him, fondly for a moment. From his dreadful hair and his wrecked appearance to his sharp eyes and strong jaws, he spent a moment just drinking it in. Suddenly he was very glad he had decided to come.

''You focus on completing your therapy and when you get home we can discuss fun.'' Rei frowned. ''What's up with your hair anyway?''

''What about my hair?''

''You look like a porn star. All that's missing is the moustache and satin jacket.''

Boris glared.

''Oh, so when your hair is long it's masculine and nice but when I have it I look like a porn star?''

Now it was Rei's turn to smirk.

''You know what? Next time I come I'll bring a pair of scissors. We can't have you looking like that now.''

''Oh, can't we?''

''No. What will people say Boris? That I'm shacking up with a porn star? Oh, think of the people.''

''Oh, yeah, that's the worst they've been saying.''

Rei said nothing and instead returned to his tea.

**X**

As Rei returned home he felt strangely at ease. The ride didn't take too long and the whole time he was cushioned in a soft, comforting feeling that maybe it was all going to turn out alright. It didn't matter at the moment, really, and frankly he did not want to ponder it as he was quite liking this nice mood he was in. It had gone well over his expectations and even if a drugged up Boris was a strange, creepy Boris, it was still the Russian had had missed. Still, as he returned home he started to second guess his decision. When the large empty hallway opened its dark, gaping jaws at him, and the sound of his shoes hitting the floor echoed for just a second too long, the loneliness and missing came back. Maybe if he hadn't gone he wouldn't have missed the man as much. Maybe he would have. There was no way to tell now, really. Taking off his jacket he knew he should get working on the kitchen.

So brining out the cleaning supplies, the lemon scented detergents, the flower print rags and the mop and the sanitizer spray that made him sneeze, he pulled on the pink gloves, put his hair into a knot and got to work. If Boris had seen him that moment he was sure he would have laughed, if not at the girly hairpins, at least at the frilly apron. Rei smiled weakly at the thought. He had cleaned the kitchen soon enough - after all, it was spotless from the previous day - so he got to work with the rest of the apartment. Normally he only enjoyed cleaning Boris', but since Boris didn't have one and he was about to start climbing the walls, he started his mission on getting the place spotless. He was glad neither Kai nor Yuriy was there lest they'd have him institutionalized.

But he was only halfway through the bedroom when the phone rang. Rei had gotten immensely popular as of late, much like when the reporters had hounded him but it was much more appreciated this time around. He threw off the gloves and stood up, walking over on stiff legs and aching knees he checked the display only to be confused at the number. It was nothing he recognized, but it was foreign, so it couldn't be someone too scary.

''Kon Rei'' he answered, habitually

''Hey, Rei!'' It was Hilary, sounding stressed but cheerful. ''How are ya feeling?''

''Hey, Hil! I'm uh... I'm good'' he wiped his forehead of sweat and sat down on the bed. ''What's up? How are you?''

''Oh, oh, I'm fine, I'm just - '' he heard a crash and something shattering, something undoubtedly expensive sounding. ''I'm just cooking. Pryce isn't home and you know... ah. Never mind. What are you up to?''

''I'm cleaning.'' As he heard another crash and a string of colourful, Japanese curse words he felt a little worried. ''Hil, are you sure you shouldn't just order takeout?''

''Oh, don't get smart with me, mister! Ah, god damn it!'' another Japanese string of bad words fell through the phone, and even though Rei did not understand them they made him feel slightly uneasy. Hilary always had been scary when angered. ''These fucking eggs! God damn it all! Who puts up with this? How do women do this every day?''

''Men do it too and we do just fine, mind you''

''Oh, you know what I mean. Wait a second.'' There was ruffling on the other end, followed by some metallic slammering and stomping, until after a very long, very tense silence Hilary spoke up again. ''So! I'm here''

''I was starting to worry you had died.''

''Rei, you know you're not making it very easy to like you just now.''

''Sorry.'' He grinned, even if she couldn't see it. ''What was on your mind?''

''My mind? Oh! Yes, yes that. I called to ask you how it went today.. You were visiting Boris today, right?''

''Oh'' Rei looked troubled for a moment, pursing his mouth as his throat felt oddly crowded. ''Yeah, it went fine, actually. He... uh, he seemed well. Or, well, well enough for his condition, I suppose. He told me he's going to request being taken off his meds soon so... I'm a little worried about that.''

''What meds are he on then? Is he going to go cold turkey?''

''I dunno. I think it's some sleeping pills and something for his alcoholism. I think they give it to bulimics... something about impulse control and... you know what, never mind.''

Hilary's voice was sympathetic, but not pitying, as she spoke next. ''Sorry, it ain't really my business. I just worry about you two.''

''Yeah, I do too.''

She was silent for a moment, during which Rei's stomach hardened.

''Hey'' she said then, perking up. ''Did you ask him about the interview?''

''Uh... yeah... Though I'm not sure how much attention he was really paying.''

''Well, what did he say?''

''He said yes more or less but he wondered how we were going to get to America, and I'm wondering that too actually. I'm a bit short on the funds right now.''

''Oh, don't worry about that!'' Hilary cackled evilly. ''The studio pays for all expenses.''

''Really?'' Rei's brows escaped further up his forehead. ''I don't want you to pay for me if...''

''Don't worry, Rei. How do you think I afford my kick-ass car?'' As it wasn't really a question he had only time to open his mouth before she cut him off. ''Besides, our ratings will just improve a bunch. People are very interested in you guys.''

Rei scoffed.

''I wish they weren't.''

Hilary made a thoughtful pause.

''Rei, are you sure you want to go through with this? Because you know you don't have to, right? I just want what's best for you.''

He knew she meant well but something about the way she said it made the anger stir inside him. He was just so tired of being pitied and treated like no one thought he could take care of himself at all. He felt like some small child in a world of other children pushing him around. Rei was mad, not really at other people, but more so at himself for ever sinking so low that people ever thought they would have to take care of him.

''It's fine'' he said, maybe a bit too curtly, and added in a much softer tone ''I want to do it. And I want to see you again.''

''Oh, why didn't you just say so, stud? We could have arranged something earlier.''

Rei didn't know what to answer, so he just gave her a little weird laugh. Somehow he just knew she was eyeing the phone warily.

''In any case, when is he out of the clinic? I could tell my agents and assitants to make the arrangements, and we'll get you a flight whenever it suits you and you can either stay with me or we'll treat you to a hotel suite. Besides, it'd be good to know if we could put the reunion somewhere along that date.''

''Well...'' Rei wasn't sure just how to ask this, he didn't want to intrude but the opportunity was laid out for him. It was hard to resist such an offer. ''If it's not too much trouble I'd like to ... uh, well...''

''You want to live with us? Really?'' he heard her make what sounded very much like a victory dance, squealing silently to herself. ''Oh, this is going to be so much fun, Rei! And you can meet Pryce and I can meet Boris and it will be so great and we can all go out for dinner - ''

''Not home cooked I hope''

''Do you want me to smack you? Because I will fly over there and I will smack you so hard you're going to be seeing other star systems.''

Rei laughed.

''I'm sorry. I'd love to eat whatever you offer.''

''Great! So it's a deal then?''

''It's a deal. And to answer your question, he supposedly gets out around February.''

''Have you asked him about the reunion?''

Rei bit his lip and suck in a harsh breath.

''Uhhh... well, I figured it was better just not to ask him and when it's too late lure him there. Somehow.''

''You could always ask him before he goes off the drugs.''

''Hilary!''

''What? When Pryce broke his leg just some months ago and he was on a buttload of Vicodin, I asked him all kinds of things I hadn't dared ask before that and it went by just fine!''

''Yeah, but Pryce isn't a psychotic Russian.''

''Oh, come on, Boris isn't psychotic. He's just a little rough around the edges.''

''That's very rough and that's more than just the edges.'' Rei sighed. ''I'll work it out. We'll see you there. I'll even try to bring along Kai and the rest.''

''Oooh, awesome! Hey, I got the White Tiger's too. That's gonna be so great!''

Rei's face hardened instantly.

''Is Mao going to be there?''

''Yeah, why? You guys fighting or what?''

''It's... she's just not very happy on me... being gay and all.''

''Ooooooh'' Hilary sucked in a breath. ''Well, if you ask me I always thought she was a stuck up bitch.''

''I... am not entirely certain how to respond to that.''

''Eh. I have to go anyways, something's burning...''

Rei frowned.

''Should I worry?''

''Oh, you know me. I always come out on top! Anyway, I'll...'' there were strange noises until what sounded like a fire alarm went off. ''Errrr... yeah, I have to go now. Talktoyoulaterseeyabyekisses!''

And then the conversation ended with an abrupt click as Hilary hung up the phone. Rei glanced at the phone in worry for a moment, wondering if he should call 911 or the fire department. Saving the number to his cellphone, he sent away a text message asking Hilary to message him if she had survived the ordeal. When a few minutes later recieved a sarcastic ''_haha rly funny_'', he let out a sigh of relief and felt like he could go back to his cleaning. After all, those dust bunnies weren't going to clean up themselves.

**X**

He was in hell. That could be the only reasonable explanation for what was going on, for why he was feeling like the miserable, washed up piece of trash he was. Like some sort of fish washed upon the shore, sand biting at his skin and saltwater seeping into the wounds. His head was pounding. This was ridiculous. He hadn't gone cold turkey, the doctors had adviced him against it. He had only changed medicine and gone off some of hem. The pills for the impulses, they were different, he couldn't tell quite yet if they were working as only days had passed but they sure weren't making him feel very pleasant at the moment. Or maybe it was the waning off of the sleeping pills, he wasn't sure. All he knew was that he felt like he was almost back where he started, cold sweat and hot flushes, walking through the corridors like a ghost as a veil of pain laid across his eyes. Boris didn't know what he had done to deserve this. Or, that was a lie. He knew very well, could come up with a number of reasons as to why he should suffer. Maybe when this was all over - if it was ever really over - he would forgive himself, finally. Maybe none of this torture could ever weigh up for what he had done.

Boris looked around him, rabid to the feel and baring his teeth he felt sick. Sick in the mind and the body and all the healthy people around him made him hungry. He had been too quiet too long, subjugated by their pills and their techniques. Well, he had seen through their plans and he was not going to fall for it now. No longer was he their puppet, no longer could they control him. He wanted to hurt them all so very bad. He wanted to crush their little skulls and hear them crack like eggs in a frying pan. He wanted their weak skin to tear and their flesh to bruise. He wanted to smell their fear, smell their pain and take joy out of it. Somewhere deep inside of him he knew he should calm down, but he was too far gone to listen to that voice right now. He didn't want to listen.

He had done that enough already. It was finally time for some action, time for some bloodshed and maybe finally, for the first time, some real peace.

**X**

He turned his head, slowly, painfully. The pain, the fog, it was all too thick for him to fully comprehend. His surroundings were blurry, much like his memory. What had happened? His eyes fluttered, fell and reopened, something distant in his eyes as he swept the room with his tired gaze. He tried to move but something restrained him; something hard and leathery to the touch. He had not time to dwell on it. Had not the energy.

There was someone else in the room. Someone tall and broad and something blonde. He couldn't recognize it instantly but knew by heart that he lotathed both the forms hovering above him. He wet his lips, his throat scrunched up in a dryness that was unbearable. He was so thirsty. So tired. So sleepy. What was going on? His head hurt so much, a ringing in his ear painfully reminded him to stay put.

''Mr. Kuznetsov?'' a voice, a female voice, tuned in and out of his range of hearing. ''Mr. Kuznetsov, can you hear me?''

Boris glanced in her direction. She looked large and bulky, he could not find a name to place with her face but he knew that they knew each other and he also knew he did not like her.

''Do you know what happened?''

Boris looked away. He didn't want to be here with them. He wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere far away and pleasant. He didn't want to deal with any of them, he was done dealing with people who knew nothing. He just wanted to go home. Wherever that was he was not certain, but it was somewhere close. Not as much a question of where as of with whom. But he was too tired to ask questions. He knew he would never like the answers to them.

''Hrg...'' he mumbled, his tongue heavy and useless. ''I wun gra...''

''What?'' the large woman looked confused, hestitant to lean closer but finding she had no other choice. ''What did you say?''

''I... wann...'' Boris coughed. ''... go home.''

A grim shadow fell over her face and she leaned back with a look of utmost disappointment.

''I'd rather you didn't. We have so much to go through.''

''Shudup... I wanna... Ngh...'' he groaned as a small tremor of pain shot through him. ''Wanna go home.''

The two professionals shared a look with each other, Soren saying nothing as he left with an understanding nod. Dr. Baba looked at Boris, shaking her head with a little sigh. A sigh that felt so judging.

''Mr. Kuznetsov, I don't think that would be very wise of you. You have too much to go through before leaving here, in this state there is no way you would be able to successfully stay sober on the outside.''

''Shut up'' Boris mumbled, not wanting to have her there anymore as the mere sound of her voice irritated him. Instead he began speaking in Russian, refusing to say anything else to anyone who would try to convince him so.

After an hour Boris still hadn't been cooperative. He turned silent and motionless eventually, staring at nothing and everything all at once. Curled up on the bed he seemed not to notice, or perhaps simply not care about, anything around him. Soren tried shaking him gently, telling him he had his roomate on the phone, but the Russian would not stir.

He simply lay, waiting. Shut down as to not participate in this deranged, pathetic charade anymore. Stop pretending he could do this. Stop pretending to be normal, like he ever really could be. He was a lost cause and he knew it and this place was a waste of his time. He wanted to go home, and he would go home and until that he wouldn't swallow anymore of their lies and their stories. Boris wanted nothing more to do with them. He was so tired. Just too tired to care. He wanted to sleep, in a warm bed with a warm chest somewhere beside him. Lay his aching head on a soft pillow, close his eyes and forget the monster in his head ever really existed.

And in turn, maybe the monster would forget all about him.


	20. Escape Ways

And all people live,  
Not by reason of any care they have for themselves,  
But by the love for them that is in other people.

_Leo Tolstoy_

**Chapter twenty**  
**Escape Ways**

**X**

''You know how they say that it always gets worse before it gets better? Yeah, that's you, right here. It may seem rough now, Boris, but it's going to get much better.'' Soren bit his lip with a frown as the other man still wouldn't even look at him.

He had been sitting there for quite some time now, trying to talk the man back to reality. But Boris kept stubbornly fixating his gaze on the far wall, lying still and unmoving it looked almost as if he was dead, his eyes distant and without presence. Soren scratched the back of his head and sighed. He was simply not getting paid enough.

''You can't be holed up in here forever. You know they wanted to throw you out, but I didn't let them. I was on your side, and I convinced them to let you stay because...'' he looked pained. ''Face it, Boris. You need this. You've been here barely a month and I think you need to stay longer. A lot longer.''

He sighed. Casting a glance towards the door he collected himself. This was hard. Not unusual, but hard. With more strength in his eyes he returned his gaze to Boris, trying to sound resolute and firm as he spoke next.

''You know, it's a miracle they let you stay after breaking all those chairs. You're lucky no one got hurt.'' he grazed the cut in his lip with his tongue. ''Well, okay, except me but lucky you that I was the one getting hurt. I'm forgiving. Had it been nurse Nancy you would've been out of here so fast you wouldn't even have had time to blink.''

Boris still wouldn't respond. It was as if he wasn't even in the room. Soren knew he shouldn't worry, the psychologist had said he'd snap out of it eventually, but he had seen people revert into themselves like that before. Sometimes, they never came back.

Sighing for what felt like the hundred time, he drew a hand through his soft hair and stood up.

''Well, you know what? The least I can do is find your book.'' he began walking, then turned at the door with a bothered grimace, soldiered up, turned again and went to find an English translation of the book Boris had been reading recently.

Maybe it wouldn't snap him out of his stupor, but at least it was an effort.

**X**

Johnny, for a lack of better things to do, was making himself comfortable in Boris' armchair. He had spent most of the past three days there when he didn't have group therapy, individual therapy, morning meditation or afternoon exercise. He even got to eat lunch in there, as he was responsible for giving Boris food which wasn't exactly an easy task.

When Boris lay motionless, ignoring the rest of the world around him, it was quite easy to get along with him. Johnny had told him all about himself, about the girls he had dated and this special girl, Regina, who had broken his strong, Scottish heart, as he had put it. He told him all about their problems, about the fighting and the constant cheating, feeling like it was much easier to talk to someone who was ignoring him than to anyone in his therapy sessions. He just didn't like sharing.

But, his doctor said he had to, if he wanted to get out of there. Regina's birthday was soon, and he wanted to be there. He'd spoken about the drugs they both used, how he had gone on and off since he was a young teenager, how he'd been close to heroin so many times it felt like some sort of miracle he'd managed not to fall down that particularly thorny steep.

Eventually Johnny liked being there more and more, he was almost certain the armchair was getting an imprint of his butt by now. When he wasn't trying to read the Russian books, and failing miserably, he'd take over where Soren had left off and read from the English translations.

Today though, Johnny had grown too bored with the books, and eventually after switching every other word for genitals and laughing at himself, he realized it was better to stop lest someone would pass by and think him a madman. Not that he was normal, but Johnny liked to keep them thinking so. He did want to get out of there, some day. Preferably very soon.

He closed the book and regarded the Russian, blankly staring at the nothingness as usual. Johnny sighed, wondering if he was supposed to kick him in the face or something, but decided against it.

''Ye know, Bor'' he drawled. ''I'm leavin' in a month. Ye should try t' spend some quality time with me here.''

When Boris ignored him, or failed to notice, he grew fairly more irritated. Growling he threw the book at the man, but not even then would the man acknowledge him.

''Booooooooooris'' he was whining now, regrettably. ''I'm boooooooored.''

Still ignored, Johnny pouted.

''Oh, get off it ye big lump! Ye gon' be there all year? Huh? Getta fuck out of bed ye stupid, walking sack of vodka!''

Johnny hitched on his breath, amazed. Could it be? No. It was impossble. That couldn't have been a reaction? Could it? It had seemed like the smallest of eyebrow twitches, but he was certain. It had been there. Suddenly, he got an idea.

''Ye stupid wanker'' he continued, slyly. ''Yeah, ye just lie there all day like ye always do, ye giant twit! Man, no wonder no one likes yer kind, I mean, come on. Ye're such dillydallying fucking boozehounds that - ''

Johhny got no further before a swift kick to the chin had knocked him off balance. Falling backwards, pulling down everything in his way, Johnny wondered if this had been a good idea. As his chin ached and churned in quite belligerent pain, his head needed a few seconds to stop swimming in its dizzying haze. As the room stopped spinning, he looked up to see a pair of angry, malignant eyes glaring down at him. Johnny smirked.

''Heh. Knew I'd get ye outta bed, ye big lump.''

Boris knew not whether to laugh or crush his head. He contemplated both but settled for a kick to the ribs. Johnny contorted into a ball of shivering pain, cursing and roaring. The Russian just intensified his glare, feeling tired from the small action. He hadn't eaten much in days, not more than the few pieces of meat and pudding Johnny had forced down his throat. It wasn't much and he was already feeling dizzy from all this standing.

''Yw know, ye kinda kick like a girl'' Johnny got up on his feet, wincing, despite his words, whenever the movement jarred the damage. He smirked at the other, giving him a pained little wink. ''Welcome back t' the real world.''

Boris said nothing. His glare remained blank and dark, his face motionless and dead. Johnny did not like it as the eeriness had him worried, perhaps he had not awoken Boris at all but instead just kickstarted some little reflex in his brain. The Scot frowned.

''Ye know ye've been cooped up'n here for days. Ye can't stay'n here forever. Ye've got therapy 'n stuff.''

Boris arched a brow.

''Oh, hello, mother.''

Johnny rolled his eyes.

''Just sayin'. The staff's been worried 'bout ye. Ye don't wanna get kicked out, do ye?'' when Boris didn't respond, Johnny got irritated. ''C'mon Bor, ye know as much as I do that ye need this place! Ye can't go out there like this, ye won't make it.''

Boris' glare burned hot and intensely, his anger curling in his veins and muscles like little, gnawing parasites. He balled his fists and huffed.

''You don't know shit, McGregor. Fucking shut your mouth and leave me alone.''

Johnny put his hands in the air, shaking his head in resignation.

''Fine, whutever, Boris. I don't care. 'M just sayin', ye need nothin' short of a miracle, man, and I'm tellin' ya, ye ain't gonna find any of them out there.'' he nodded his head towards the window, then got ready to leave. ''Just... one day ye're gonna wake up an' wish ye'd taken a different path a long time ago.'' he gave him a serious look, the most serious Boris had ever seen him with. ''I'm sayin' that ain't such a nice place ta be.''

When he had left Boris knew not what to do. His tired body told him to get down in bed immediately and let it rest, while his stomach churned and whined, screaming for food but he knew that if he ate he would only throw it up. Drawing a hand through his head Boris sighed. He didn't want to be here anymore. All the people with their idiotic opinions, always butting into his life as if they could do something. He didn't want their false miracles or their holier-than-thou attitude. He was sick and tired of the self-righteousness and people believing he couldn't handle it.

But truth was he couldn't. He wouldn't be at rehab otherwise if he didn't need help. Right? Boris sighed. What was the fucking point anyway? With a small glance at the bed he discarded the thought of returning to it and instead headed towards the gym.

**X**

''This does not look good, Mr. Kuznetsov'' the doctor shook his head in worry, looking rather displeased his wrinkly face was scrunched up in a way that told Boris something bad was going on. ''Not at all.''

''What's wrong?'' he said. ''It's not my liver, is it?''

''Oh, no! No, your liver is fine. You still keep up with your immunosuppressives?''

Boris nodded.

''Every day.''

''Good. But no, the liver isn't your problem I... Mr. Kuznetsov, have you been feeling abdominal pain recently?''

The Russian gave him a stupefied look.

''I always have abdominal pain. It's like white noise to me now.''

The doctor looked troubled by this, scratching his chin he looked as if he didn't quite know what to do with his patient.

''Ah, well... Have you had any pain radiating towards your back?''

Boris thought for a moment, then shrugged.

''I guess.''

''Any other problems? Have you been throwing up or losing weight or had any other problems that are not a direct cause of detox?''

Boris looked immensely more bothered. He was not in the mood to discuss these things with the man, especially not today. He had been feeling like crap ever since he arrived, but this day was the prize winner. Just everyone seemed to be out to annoy him and whatever he did, bad luck always tripped him in the last second.

''What are you getting at here?'' he said a bit more gruffly. ''Am I in trouble?''

The doctor sighed.

''Yes, I'm afraid so. I think... I think you might be having a problem with your pancreas. Acute infection of it, actually.''

''Which means..?''

''It means your pancreas has taken such damage from the excessive alcohol that it's caused an infection, which, if it goes untreated, will not only make the pain worse or the vomiting cause weightloss, but it could lead to chronic pancreatitis which is... not pleasant in any way.''

Boris bit his lip. That didn't sound too bad. He could live with the pain, he had so far. It wasn't like he was dying. The doctor saw the look in his eyes and immediately recognized it.

''Oh, yes, you know this means you have to be careful? No more alcohol, although that was the case anyway, and no more high carbonated food, heavy food or anything that puts a toll on your pancreas.''

Boris frowned.

''Why do I even need a pancreas? Are you saying I can never have steak again?''

The doctor grimaced.

''What's a steak compared to your life?''

''This isn't lethal, is it?'' Boris frowned. ''Sure, I vomit a lot but that's not too bad.''

''Vomiting strains both heart and brain quite a lot, I'm afraid, and it is not good for the body. Please, Mr. Kuznetsov, I advice you to handle this carefully.''

Boris was silent for a moment, looking around himself in the neat little white room with all the instruments and the tools. He sighed, shaking his head in defeat. He found it much simpler to not care anymore. After all, the more he did the more it all seemed to go out of its way to screw him over. Boris thought long and hard about leaving many times, but something always made him linger.

''So, what do I do?''

''I'm going to prescribe you some painkillers, other than that, stay away from the alcohol and I'll tell the caféteria staff of your new diet. Return to me later and we'll see if you've recovered.''

Boris scoffed.

''Sure I should be eating pain killers?''

The doctor shrugged.

''Unless you wanted to deal with the pain of course.''

Boris sighed.

''What do I do about the vomiting?''

''It is rather alarming...'' the doctor eyed his charts lazily. ''You're greatly underweight and this pancreatitis is coming at a very bad time. I'd like you to eat supplements...''

''Like some anorexic? Seriously?''

The doctor gave him a stern look. The man was growing quite tired of his whining.

''You need to gain weight, Mr. Kuznetsov. Do I need to tell you the dangers of being underweight? Because I can.'' he gave his patient a challenging look, daring him to take the bait. Boris had a feeling the doctor could go on forever if it meant to torture him.

''I'm not a child. I can take care of myself.''

''I dare say you can't, Mr. Kuznetsov. Your heart is going to suffer the most from this maltreatment. You already have a high-maintenance liver, do you really need heart problems, chronic pancreatitis, brittle bones, organ failure and cancer to boot? I'm not very pleased with your immune system, either... You're what, 35?''

''27.''

The doctor looked increasingly alarmed.

''Oh, how you depress me...'' he sighed. ''Quite frankly, this _will _kill you if you let it go on too far, which I dare say, Mr. Kuznetsov, is not very far at all in your case.'' he shook his head, almost as if chastising him, and Boris had the feeling he was being condescended. ''Not far at all.''

''You're exaggerating''

''I am not, in fact. When was the last time you had a check-up?''

Boris shrugged.

''A year? I don't know.''

The doctor sighed almost desperately.

''Oh, you people. Oh, well, here's the prescription, you can ask Nurse Roberts in the lobby about it and she'll come give it to you with your regular doses. Sound good?''

Boris grunted. Nothing sounded good to him anymore. Nothing but the words 'you may leave now' which were very rare. He just wanted the whole thing to be over with. But addictions didn't go away over night, he wasn't as stupid as to think as such. He just really wished they would. Sighing, Boris gave the man a last glare before he hopped off the cot. Reaching out his hand expectantly he gave the doctor a curt nod.

''Sweater'' he barked, and the man handed it to him. ''Why the fuck can't I wear my own fucking clothes? This fucking sweater is itchy.''

''Mr. Kuznetsov?'' the doctor said inquiringly as Boris was halfway out the door but not nearly halfway through his sweater.

''Mm?''

''Please be more careful. I'm quite worried about you.''

Boris rolled his eyes.

''What's with everyone acting like my mother in this place?''

The doctor smiled, sardonically. His eyes bitter and jaded by the things he had seen.

''Maybe because you need it''

With a last little snarl the Russian left, the little yellow note firmly gripped in his hand.

**X**

Boris leaned his hand against his head. He didn't quite like group therapy, never really did. He mostly spent the sessions glaring at some far off corner of the room, brooding silently. Seething in irritation, most people decided to leave him alone. The therapist was a weak little push-over, the kind he used to kick into toilets in the Abbey, with brittle hair and an odd-shaped pair of a glasses. She reminded him of someone, though he had a hard time remembering just who.

Boris had felt unusually sullen as of late. He'd had hoped the decrease of drugs would have cleared his mind a bit, allowed him to use his mind more freely and stop the numbing of his emotions. He quite liked his emotions, at least the anger and the detest. Not that he had much else to feel. It was just such a strange sensation, living with soul-numbing anger all your life and then waking up one day to find it gone. It was uncomfortable, as if he had lost a toe and was trying to walk on the bleeding stump. It was awkward, it was messy, complicated and by no means pretty. It felt, in a way, empty. He was so used to have the anger there and now as it had been reduced to a mere irritation, Boris knew not quite what to do with himself.

So he mostly spent his days sulking. Avoiding Soren, ignoring Dr. Baba, glaring at Johnny. Who did the little twit think he was, anyway? As if he knew him. Boris rolled his eyes at no one in particular, earning some strange looks from the therapist who thought he was rolling them at her.

''I'm sorry, Boris, would you like to share?''

Boris looked at her sluggishly, detached and disinterested in the world around him. It all seemed to move in blurs of grey and he felt strange being part of it now.

''Hm?''

''Would you like to share your disgust with the rest of the class?''

Boris frowned.

''What?''

The therapist crossed her arms, pushed her glasses up her nose and gave him a stern look of reprimanding. Boris felt confused.

''You know, you come in here every day, while we sit here and share our innermost fears you just sit there like a little lurking leech, feeding off of it'' one of the patients said, a gnarly mess of a person he'd not cared to learn the name of. ''Like you can just feast on our misery without ever contributing any of your own.''

Boris snorted, he could not believe it. The idiocy of his so called ''peers'' never ceased to amaze him.

''Maybe I've nothing to share'' he drawled, earning a hateful, burning glare.

''Everyone has something to share'' the therapist said. ''And it's not fair for you to just sit there quietly. I know we all need to take our own amount of time before we can open up, but you've been here for three weeks.''

''So?''

''So it might be time for you to tell us a little something about yourself.''

Boris glared.

''Fine, I'll just leave'' he said, not that he really had a choice, group therapy was mandatory.

So many things were, he felt like a rabid, diseased animal. Confined to let the disease kill him, lest he be a pest to those around him. Like their little, precious lives were not to be contaminated. How he hated them all. Some nights he dreamt of wringing their little necks like wet rags. Squeezing their pathetic lives out of them for good. Boris trembled with this new and sudden emotional clarity. Perhaps the drugs were finally wearing off.

''You can't do that!'' the therapist objected tersely. ''You have to - it's in the program!''

''Well, you can shove your program up your ass.''

The group fell into a tense silence, before one of the most obnoxious members spoke up.

''Ya know, we don't really appreciate yer tone there, mate''

''Don't fucking mate me, you stupid Brit!'' Boris grit his teeth, eyes boiling with an innate rage that finally had enough room to spread itself. It felt strange, but liberating and for a moment he felt dizzied by the sudden rush of adrenaline. ''I don't fucking care, I've had it with your stupid shit. Oooh, Boris'' he started speaking in a mock voice and thick British accent, gesturing exaggeratedly. ''please will you tell us all about yer bloody life? We are so very interested to hear all about it! Oh, Boris, my dear lad, why don't you put on this leash and name tag and run a few laps for poppy? Why yes, you are just the greatest little puppet, aren't you, laddy? Who's the best little slave? Who? Yes, you, my dear lad! Ho hoho ho ho! Tea and crumpets for everyone!''

He growled, his eyes suddenly so much darker and sharper, rumbling in them was a blood thirst that had been quelched for so long it was overpowering now.

''Fuck you, just...'' he shook his head. ''I'm done with this. I'm leaving.''

The group looked at him as if they did not quite know how to respond to that. Half of them looked torn between being offended and frightened, the other half simply annoyed, as if they were staring at a sick bear about to go for their throats. Boris seethed, the trembling worsening, every muscle clenched tight in his body as his eyes burned. The only one looking mildly bored was Johnny who mostly looked at Boris as if the Russian was some new kind of idiot, never before discovered; like he personally wanted to document its existence and habits.

''Fine'' Johnny said ''Just leave then, ya big lump. Not any of our concern, ennit? Ye wanna screw yer life up, fuckin' fine, mate. I dun' care.''

Boris snorted.

''Oh, shut your fucking mouth, Johnny. Like I'm going to take advice from you.''

Johnny glared, looking angrier than he'd ever seen him. All their stay Johnny had seemed cocky, loud-mouthed and bumptious, but never angry.

''Hey, fuckhead. Unless ye noticed, I'm not the only screw up here.''

Boris' face twitched.

''What the fuck do you know about anything, you meth-head?'' Boris basically spat out the words, and it was clear Johnny had to restrain himself from lunging at him. ''None of you fuckers have any right to tell me anything, you're fucking pathetic and just as bad as me, if not worse.''

''Yeah, we're all sinners here'' Johnny clasped his fists as if preparing for battle. ''And I don't do meth.''

''Yeah, whatever, McGregor'' he rolled his eyes. ''You're all just a bunch of loser anyway. I mean look at you!'' he stretched his hand out, gesturing to each and every one of them, the people in the room looking increasingly more offended. ''You've wasted your god damn lives and now you sit here whining because your lives're in the shitter. Fucking grow up, will you? You!'' he pointed at one shivering little man whose eyes darted around in look for an escape way. ''You fucker, you come here every god damn day crying about your little brats. No wonder you lost custody, you smoke crack all the time! That's all you do! Ever!''

''Please, Mr. Kuznetsov - '' the therapist tried, but Boris could not be stopped.

''And you - '' he pointed at a rugged woman. ''How many STDs do you have? I'm pretty sure if they ever discover a new one, they're gonna give it your name. What the fuck were you thinking?'' he turned to point at another person ''And you, oh my shit how I loathe you. Do you know how sick and tired I am? Ooh, mommy and daddy abused me so I snort lots and lots of coke! Well, fucking get off it you sissy. We all have shit to deal with. I did not come here to listen to your whining.''

''Mr. Kuznetsov! That is way out of line!''

Boris glared at her.

''And you, you fucking bitch. You sit there all high and mighty, judging us like you knew anything. Oh sure, you dropped some acid in your youth but know what? We're not you, I'm not you, and I don't need this fucking shit!''

''Hey'' a man said, getting out of his chair ''Stop it. If you're going to ruin it for us, then just leave. At least we try to get better, this is helping us and I'm not going to let you piss all over it!''

''Says the man whose daughter drowned in the tub because he was too fucking drunk out of his ass to lift a fucking finger.''

The silence was asphyxiating. No one moved for so long Boris thought his ear drums would burst. The man sat down on shaking legs, looking knocked out of his mind, the guilt so overpowering for a moment he forgot to breathe. Boris just gave a rotten laugh.

''And you'' he glared at a woman, looking blonde and thin and excrutiatingly familiar. ''You live on deceiving people. You trick and you lie and you cheat and you ruin lives, you diseased bitch!''

The woman looked confused.

''I'm... sorry?''

Boris knew she wasn't _her. _This woman was much too old and much too thin, he remembered her name beginning with a T or an N. But he didn't care. Walking around empty for so long and finally feeling all the pent up wrath the pills had not managed to kill, only subdue for a while, was overpowering. He had too much anger, too much frustration and fear and confusion he knew not what to do with it anymore, so he just fired blindly at anything it would hit.

''God, things would have been so easy had you just fucking left me alone!'' Boris trembled, grabbing one of the plastic chairs he threw it in whatever direction he could find. It ended up crashing against a wall, leaving behind it a dent and a group of frightened, confused patients. ''You're all so fucking pathetic, things would just be better if all of you would just die already!''

As he silenced, the only thing audible above the terrified silence were his ragged, rabid breaths. But Boris only heard the thumping of his sick heart in his ear, feeling it pound and kick against his ribs the world spun for a moment. He steadied himself against a chair, his vision swimming momentarily.

Johnny scoffed.

''I've got news for ye, Bor'' he met the Scot's eyes which were cold and ruthless, yet in no way unkind. ''Ye're just like us.''

Boris bit his lip.

''No, I'm not'' he said, and he wondered if he sounded as tired as he felt. As if he had walked through the Russian tundra with a boulder on his back for years, never once stopping for rest or water. ''I'm nothing like you, I have - ''

''Control?'' Johnny nodded towards the shattered chair with a little snort; when Boris' eyes landed on it it was as if he saw it for the first time. ''That's not control, Boris. You're just as fucking pathetic as the rest of us. And unless ye wanna end up like this fella here - '' he nodded towards the alcoholic Boris had just berated, who was trying to hold back tears and failing ''I suggest ye sit yer bony ass down and fucking do as ye're told.''

Boris glared.

''I've done that enough and nothing's getting better. I'm wasting my time here.''

Johnny cocked a brow.

''Did ye ever stop to think that maybe it's not helping ye 'cause ye won't let it? Give it some damn time, Bor, ye ain't in a hurry to get anywhere. Unless ye're missin' someone...'' the last part was said with a wink, something Boris did not know if he should be angered or morbidly amused about.

Johnny patted the seat next to him, since Boris' chair was all in splinters anyway.

''Come on man. Whatcha got t' lose? Yer dignity? Yer pride? Well, I say that was all shot t' hell the moment ye fell down the bottle, besides'' he winked ''ye're among a bunch of losers, nothin' ye do will shame ye. I guarantee I've done something far worse.''

Boris looked at him, quietly and blankly. His head that had previously bristled with blinding, scorching anger, was now eerily silent. Staring at the group, the chair, then back to Johnny again, he eventually nodded and sat down.


End file.
